Chapter 10: God is Blind

Rogue awoke to the sound of voices screaming in her own head. She didn't know if anyone was around, she couldn't even remember where she was – the noise in her head was too loud, too painful for her to even think. She shut her eyes and pressed her hands against her ears, trying to drown them out, forgetting that the sound could never be drowned out, it was a part of her. She couldn't discern most of what was being yelled at her, only one or two words. One word in particular. "Murderer."

'Stop it,' she begged of the voices. 'Stop it!' she tried to command them, tears running down her face. "Stop it!" She screamed, not knowing if she had spoken the words out loud or not.

She held her head, kept her eyes shut tight, and rocked herself on the bed. 'Please, stop.'

She felt strong hands grasping onto her arms, she was pulled into a warm body, but whose, she didn't know. She thought they may have been speaking, but she couldn't hear anything but the bellowing fragments of the people whose memories she had stolen.

'Stole much more from that man, didn't you?' shouted Roger.

'Second degree murder, for sure,' commented Officer Kerrigan darkly.

'How can you live with yourself?' asked one of the scientists.

'Thought you didn't want to hurt anyone.' Ricky the guard said sarcastically.

'Murdering bitch.'

'You're going to get exactly what you deserve.'

'You knew that you were going to kill someone eventually.'

'Did you enjoy it?'

'Can't wait till someone kills you.'

'Killer.'

'Murderer.'

'Killing is all you're good for.'

'Do the world a favor and kill yourself.'

'STOP IT!' Rogue was surprised that the strong command came not from her, but Piotr. The other voices quieted a bit, but she could still hear them. Colossus' defense of her gave her enough of a reprieve that she started shutting the voices out, one by one, starting with Roger.

'Like Ah give a shit 'bout what a pedophile thinks about me,' she yelled at him, shoving him to the back of her mind.

'And you two so-called 'scientists.' Ya were just waiting ta do the post-mortems on the mutants that had been captured. Your hands are far bloodier than mine.' She silenced both of them.

'Ah'm sorry, Officer Kerrigan, but ya have ta go, too.' She was sent to the back of her mind. And so she proceeded to drive all the personalities to the place in her head where they could not longer hurt her with their words. When all the shouting voices were silenced, she felt Piotr's presence voluntarily withdraw itself. She was about ready to rejoin the waking world, find out who was holding her, find out what had happened on the mission, when she realized that there was one voice that had not made a sound.

'Cody? Sugah, are ya there?'

She could feel his presence in her mind, it had not been shoved back like the rest. Yet he stayed mute.

'Cody, please talk ta me.' His silence was more deafening than the screams of all the others combined. 'Please believe me, Ah didn't mean ta do it. Ah didn't want ta kill him, even if he was a bad guy.'

She felt his presence slowly recede from the forefront of her mind. His silent recrimination spoke volumes. She let the tears fall for another minute, then pulled herself together.

Slowly opening her eyes, she was greeted by the bright midday sun streaming through the sheer pink curtains. Taking a deep breath in, she looked at the arms wrapped around her and smiled. "Ah'm okay now, Remy."

"Ya sure, chere?" came his soothing voice in a low whisper.

She turned her head and met his concerned eyes. "Yeah. Ah got some shit ta work through, but right now Ah want answers."

He nodded almost mournfully, and slowly released her from his embrace. She didn't really want him to let go of her – it had felt good, it had felt right – but she knew she had to act like a professional now more than ever.

Remy got off the bed and walked round to face her. "Dey want ta talk ta ya, if you're feelin' up ta it." Rogue nodded. "Okay, den. Let me help ya up."

Her right leg was stiff and unresponsive, and she was grateful for the help as she staggered to the door, using Gambit as a crutch. Caliban, Domino, and Cargill were waiting outside, in the main room of the cabin where they were temporarily staying. Caliban was sitting on a thread-bare grey couch looking contemplative, studying the medical instruments that lay before him on the coffee table. Cargill was pacing with heavy footsteps, and Domino was tapping her finger incessantly on the red Formica dining room table, glaring at Cargill. They all looked up at Rogue as she limped into the room.

Caliban rose and pointed to the carpet in the middle of the room, "Stand there."

Although a little confused by the command, she did as he asked. Once Remy was sure she could stand on her own accord, he walked a few paces back, to where the other members of Carnifex stood.

Caliban put on heavy latex gloves and rolled back Rogue's oversized sweatpants to look at her wound. It had been carefully bandaged, although she couldn't for the life of her remember it being bandaged. She couldn't remember putting on the sweatpants either. 'That should worry me more than it does.' Caliban's nimble fingers peeled back the bandages to reveal a large, bloody mass. The bullet had more than grazed her, it had ripped a couple inches of flesh from her thigh.

"Crap. Ah hadn't realized it was that bad. Why don't it hurt?"

"We gave you a local anesthetic, it should start to throb soon," Domino commented, while Caliban disinfected her wound.

"Great. Something else ta look forward to."

"You need to keep off your feet for a while, otherwise the wound will heal badly," Caliban said, as he finished redressing her wound.

"So sit," Cargill commanded. Rogue grudgingly sat in the old wicker chair that was beside her.

"Where's Piotr? Where's Avalanche?"

"In the hospital," Caliban said softly. "Avalanche got hit by some bizarre weapon that shot electricity. Like an amped up taser. He would have died if Cargill and Colossus had not taken him to the hospital. He's in critical but stable condition."

"We'll bring him home once he's up for the journey. Colossus is there to monitor the situation," confirmed Domino.

"What about the explosion?"

"Had some evidence ta hide, chere. Mission wasn't exactly covert, was it?"

"What happened ta –" Rogue gulped and took a second to make certain that the personalities in her head weren't about to start yelling again, "—ta the men Ah fought?" The silence in the room gave her her answer.

Caliban took a few soft steps and stood by Rogue's side, tentatively placing his hand on her shoulder. "The man that you stabbed was in shock, but alive. Caliban checked. He will live." He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and she looked up into his big, yellow eyes. They were filled with kindness and pity; the first she appreciated, the second she loathed.

She knew the answer, but she had to hear it for herself, "The other man's dead, ain't he?"

Caliban's eyes shifted away from her, "His pulse was very weak. He must have died before they could get him to the hospital."

"Ah killed him," she said meekly.

"Non, cherie –"

"Yes, Remy!" Caliban flinched and took his hand off her shoulder. Rogue barely noticed, staring intently at the Cajun, furious that her friends didn't understand what she had done, what she was going through. "We fought, he died. Pretty obvious what happened!"

"Why don't you tell us what happened?" asked Cargill in a far calmer voice than Rogue had ever thought she was capable of.

Rogue shot her a dirty look, but surprisingly, it was not returned. Then it hit her, probably everyone in this room had gone through what she was now going through. It was hard to stay angry at them when all they had was empathy for her. "It was an accident," her voice quivered as she looked at them with tear drenched eyes, "Ah had already taken the other guy down an' the second one had a gun. We grappled, Ah twisted the muzzle toward him, it went off. Ah swear Ah don't remember firing it. But Ah might have done it. Or he might of. Either way, Ah should have just dropped him with ma powers, not got inta a struggle." She lowered her gaze, unable to look at any of them anymore. "Ah fucked up. Ah'm sorry. Ah'm so sorry."

Rogue heard Remy's familiar footsteps. He came up to her and cradled her head with his hand, leaning his head on top of hers. "I know it hurts, petit," he said gently.

"Do you?" She whispered, knowing it was a loaded question.

He hesitated.

"Oui, Rogue. I do."