A/N: Sooooooooooo sorry for the long wait everyone! Carrie-Ann's been without the internet for ages and shes only just sent me the chapter today and I've read threw it and I'm posting it now!
Thanks to all who have reviewed and added us to your favourite stories and alerts list! We really appreciate fans of this story :) We promise, its gunna get awesome! This chapter is a flashback while Alice is on Heroin, the next two chapters are going to be her while shes sleeping and dreaming of the past...
Disclaimer: Copyright of original story & characters Stephenie Meyer.
POVs: Alice
August 3rd 2009
7:00am
APOV
4 years ago
I was walking down aisle after aisle, thinking of what it was that we needed. We had absolutely nothing in the house once again… unless you count the off cheese that's started growing stuff in the fridge. There wasn't anything decent enough to eat without probably dying. I needed to go shopping because I knew that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done; it was as simple as that. Anything to do with house work or food shopping was a women's job, according to James. He said and I quote, "It should be up to you to do those sorts of things, since I'M the one earning the money."
I could see from the corner of my eye that I was attracting a lot of attention. I wasn't actually surprised considering I was a fourteen year old girl wearing a mini skirt that barely covered my ass and a tank top so tight I had to peel it off before I went to bed. I had some slight heels on as well, to make me look a little taller. I hated being so tiny sometimes; people feel like they could just walk all over you and get away with it. Which in James's case, that's kind of true. I just couldn't say no to him.
My make-up probably helped me look older then I was as well. It was so over done and over the top… I didn't like it much; I only really did it for James. I probably looked like a skank to most people but I couldn't care less. I didn't know them and they didn't know me. After walking out of here I'll probably never see them again so I don't see the point in getting myself worked up over it.
It was probably a good thing I was wearing so much make-up because my cheeks felt like they were constantly on fire from my blushing. It takes a lot for me to blush and I was getting the right amount of stares just for it to happen.
I looked up from the shopping list in my hand as I walked down the next aisle and I lifted my head only to be met with the most striking, chocolate brown eyes I had ever seen… I couldn't stop staring into those eyes… I felt completely lost in them. After about 30 seconds I began to feel like a complete idiot just stood here staring at him like this but it wasn't anything different from what he was doing to me. I could see a small smile forming on his face and I blushed even harder and averted my gaze back to my list. I pretended to read it for a few seconds before having a peek to see if he was still there and I noticed he hadn't moved an inch from his spot and was still facing this way. I decided to play it cool and continue with my shopping.
I started picking stuff off the many shelves which I passed, some of it not even on the list because my mind kept wandering back to those beautiful brown eyes. I could feel his intense stare burning into my back and I didn't dare turn around to confirm it. I was way too excited. I turned to walk down the next aisle and I could tell he was following me. This just got me more excited then I can ever remember being and I could feel my heart thumping against my chest.
I didn't want this moment to ever end, so I took as long as I could, stopping every now and again to read something on the back of a box and trying to seem interested, all the while having a big smile plastered across my face. I tried hiding it but I soon gave up, I didn't care if he saw I was excited by the attention… But I knew soon that my fun had to end and I couldn't leave checking out any longer without needing to buy the whole store. I made my way to the check out desk with my beautiful brown-eyed stalker keeping a safe distance between us. I just got outside and was about to walk home, when I heard someone clearing their throat behind me. I turned around and there he was, his brown eyes meeting mine and looking straight into my soul.
"Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you." He whispered confidently and smoothly, in what I guessed was supposed to be a sexy voice to lure in the ladies. Too bad it wasn't working on this one… disappointment soured threw me.
"Did the voices also tell you to fuck off?" I replied harshly. He looked a little startled at the fact the line didn't work and I had to laugh a little. He smiled at me and his face became more beautiful then ever. I could feel my anger slowly melting away and I knew in an instant that I wasn't going to be mad at him anymore.
I couldn't believe how cheesy that line had been but I also couldn't help the giggle that escaped my lips. I knew I had misjudged him right away… he had to be really nervous if he came out with that crap. I've never been one for cheesy chat up lines growing up with James and his friends and I've always said to myself that if it ever happened to me I would laugh in the guys face and walk away. But stood there in front of him… I just couldn't do it. He was too cute. I couldn't think of anything to say that sounded cool so I just came out with the first word that came into my head and said, "Thanks." I blushed a little but I didn't remove my gaze from his stare.
He smiled at me and his gorgeous, chocolate brown eyes shone brighter now then ever, melting in the sunlight… and for the first time I got butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't ever remember feeling this way before about another boy. I wanted to keep this butterfly feeling for as long as I could so I had to do some quick thinking.
"So… you wanna walk me home?" I asked shyly, hoping he'd say yes. He nodded and my heart did a little flip. I smiled and turned to walk in the right direction and he fell into step beside me, our shoulders slightly touching and his hand grazing by mine every now and again. Every time he would unconsciously touch my hand or his arm brushed against mine it would send a whirlwind of fire in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't help the goofy grin that was permanently on display across my face.
"I'm Mary Brandon, by the way." I decided I'd start the conversation.
"Jeffrey Fernandis, nice to meet you." He held out his left hand as we continued to walk and I gave him my right to shake it… he gripped my hand firmly and moved it into the gab between us, swinging our entwined fingers lightly forwards and backwards… never letting go. My smile grew even larger as we fell into a steady conversation, getting to know each other.
I kept glancing up at him as we walked hand in hand, his light brown skin was beautiful against his eyes, his stunning black hair was thick and messy, I wanted to run my fingers threw it… I memorized his dazzling white smile and his boyish laugh as I said something which I didn't think was funny, but he thought I was amusing, in a good way I hoped… I could also see him peeking glances at me too… the butterflies in my stomach have finally come alive and they were loving it!
--
One Month Later…
"Looks like I'm going to have to go food shopping again." I sighed to emphasize that I was not really in the mood but I had to go, this made it more believable. I shut one of the cupboard doors and turned towards James.
"Sure thing babe." He handed me some money out of his back pocket and gave me a quick peck on the lips before I headed out of the door.
I knew we were likely to run out of food soon so I used this moment as an opportunity to see Jeff again. I couldn't believe we had been seeing each other for a whole month now and James still hadn't figured it out. I knew if he did he would get way beyond angry and I didn't want him to hurt Jeff. He was special to me and he made me feel special and I didn't want to ever loose that.
I walked in the direction of Jeff's house where we always met up. This way James wouldn't suspect something weird was going on and we were both safer here… until he found out that is. I knew this couldn't last forever without him finding out but I didn't want to think about that right now, I just wanted to be happy and enjoy it while it lasted. We were being careful and it was easier this way, I didn't want to see Jeff get hurt because of me.
I could see Jeff's house and him waiting outside sat on the brick wall next to his gate waiting for me. He noticed me coming and I ran the small distance between us and jumped into his arms… his kiss left me breathless and legs a little shaky as always. He put me back on my feet and smiled down at me, breathing a little hard from our heated kiss as he wrapped his arms around me. I smiled back up at him and stood on my tip toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, when I pulled back he looked me over and I knew what was coming.
"Why do you have to wear that crap? You know I hate it." He growled, trying his best to hide his anger… not for me, but for James.
I sighed and bit on my lip anxiously. I did know he hated me wearing all this stupid make-up and revealing clothes but what could I do? James likes me wearing these clothes and what James wants, James gets. I've lost count with the amount of times we've spoken about this and it gets a little frustrating to keep having to explain to him, that if I suddenly change what I usually wear for him, James would get suspicious.
"You know why I wear these clothes and this crappy make-up, so why ask?" I sighed once again trying very hard to keep the biting tone out of my voice.
"I know and I'm sorry for making you mad." He put a hand on my left cheek and I leaned into it, kissing his palm before he dropped it. "I just hate the way guys twice your age look at you, it's so obvious what their thinking… I try to ignore it sometimes but it's hard, you know?" I felt really bad for getting angry at him because I knew he was trying hard knowing everything that has happened in my life so far with James. I have told him everything and I didn't hold back on any of the gory details. I was scared at first thinking that it would scare him away but to my surprise it didn't. He didn't look at me in disgust when I told him how old I was when I lost my virginity or how I felt about it. He just hugged me and told him nothing could keep him away. I smiled at the memory and pulled him in for a hug.
"I know you're sorry but you shouldn't be… I should be the one who's sorry." I was trying so hard to hold the tears in knowing what I was going to say was true. "You should have a girlfriend that deserves you. Not someone like me who's seriously messed up. And I know how hard it is for you and I appreciate every little thing you do for me." I couldn't hold them in any more and just let them silently fall. He stood back to give himself some room and wiped my tears away with his kisses.
"Don't ever say that again, okay? You deserve the world and more and I would give it to you in a heart beat if I could. You can't help the way your life has turned out Mary so don't blame yourself… I can't stand it when you do because trust me…" He tilted my head up so I could look into his eyes and he finished off his sentence, "believe me, when I say it was way beyond your control. I know its crappy how everything has turned out… but we have to make the best out of what we have." He was right, I couldn't deny his words.
I nodded in agreement and kissed him. It was one of those kisses that showed me just how much he really loved me and would do anything for me. I don't know how I got so lucky but I was so determined to never let this guy go. I didn't think I could… I just don't know what I'd do without him…
He pulled away from our kiss, his beautiful brown eyes shining bright like melted chocolate in the sun. "Let's run away together…" He whispered; his face was deadly serious.
I was so shocked by what he said that I was frozen on the spot. I didn't know what to say to that apart from, "I can't." It hurt me so much to say those two words but I just couldn't. I know he wouldn't understand and how could he? He wasn't in my position and I depended on James for a lot of things…"I'm sorry… but I just… can't." I whispered back, too scared to look him in the eyes knowing I would see nothing but pain. "I know it's going to sound stupid but I need him and he needs me." I finally chanced a look at him and he looked puzzled, I knew he didn't get it. "I know you probably think I'm crazy but I just can't okay…" I trailed off and I pulled away from him, turning towards the direction of the shops.
"Do you love him?" He said simply, his voice held no hint of what he was feeling.
I didn't even hesitate to answer him because I knew the answer to that in a heartbeat. "No." My voice was hard, definite.
I looked back at him he was relieved but just as confused as ever. I couldn't blame him… Even I didn't get why I stayed sometimes.
"Look." I walked back to him and stood in front of him. "I know I can't explain this without sounding crazy so you're just going to have to trust me okay?" I brought my hand up to stroke the side of his face and he leaned into it, just like I had done. "I know he's done some fucked up things to me and you can't understand how I could even be in the same room as him after everything that's happened… but I… I just can't leave." I sighed trying to think of a way this could make more sense to him. "The drugs for one thing… I need my fix and only he can get it for me. I know you hate that I do it but it's just apart of my life. I hate what it does to me… what he does to me… but it's just one of them things." I struggled with my words knowing nothing would convince him and I used the sleaziest of examples.
I couldn't tell him that one of the other reasons I couldn't leave was because I actually liked the way James wanted me. It was just one of them screwed up things he wouldn't understand. I didn't understand it myself so how could he possibly understand the mess that was my brain? It was complicated beyond belief…
He just sighed and grabbed my hand…we began walking down the street. I hated when perfect moments like us reuniting were ruined by my shitty life. He gave me a reassuring smile telling me he wasn't mad, I knew he didn't entirely get it but he trusted my judgement.
-
After we finished the food shopping he walked me home, stopping at the end of my street so James wouldn't be able to see us together. He pulled me tight against his body and gave me a fierce kiss, biting on my bottom lip, careful not to draw blood so James wouldn't get any ideas. I kissed him softly on his cheek afterwards and pulled away, Jeff moaned in response from the lack of contact. I laughed a little and he gave me a heart stopping smile.
"Come back to me…" His whisper trailing off into my ears, his voice was full of emotions and I couldn't pick out which one to concentrate on.
"Always…" I whispered back. I forced myself to turn around and walked back into reality…
Back into the arms of James, my second life, the life which I hate, yet crave.
--
8 Months Later…
It has been the best nine months of my life so far with Jeff. I still couldn't believe we were still together. I'd turned fifteen a while back and he was eighteen now but age didn't matter to him. When we were together he made it feel like it was just me and him and nobody else in the world… No James or anything else that could hold us back from being happy together.
We were currently wrapped up in his bed sheets having just made love to each other. I knew I was going to have to get up and go but I didn't want to bring it up and ruin the mood knowing he would get angry. He didn't always get angry but I could tell it upset him for me to leave; knowing I didn't want to go didn't make it any easier either.
"Jeff…" I trailed off and his grip on my waste tightened. He knew what was coming and my heart began to ache.
"Please don't go…" He whispered into my neck, trailing a million kisses along my skin, burning trails of love.
"I have to… you know that." He sighed and let go, rolling onto his other side so he wasn't facing me. I reluctantly got up and got dressed. I was pulling my top over my head when Jeff finally rolled back over and I could see the anger on his face. He wasn't even trying to hide it.
"Please don't make this any harder then it already is." I pleaded. I really didn't want to get into a fight with him and I knew it was coming to just that.
"I can't help the way I feel okay?! You're supposed to be MY girlfriend… not his!" He shouted. I've never seen him loose his temper like this before and I was quickly beginning to loose my patience with him. How many times must I explain to him that I don't have a choice! It was either this way or no way at all. If James ever found out about him… well, I don't even want to think of what he might do…
"Please stop shouting… and I am your girlfriend. You know that and I know that." I moved back onto the bed and placed my hand on his arm to try and sooth him before he snatched it back. I couldn't be bothered containing my anger anymore if he wasn't going to even try and be reasonable.
"You know what…? Fine… Be that way! I thought we could handle this like adults but apparently not. You wanna act like a little child and sulk in the corner… you do that but I'm leaving." I stood up to leave when he grabbed my arm to stop me from going anywhere. I turned around to find the angry expression on his face intensify.
"Why can't you just agree with me just this once? It's always about him and his needs… I thought you were dating me! What about me?!" He was shouting once again.
"It's not always about him!" I was shouting too now, matching his tone and I let the anger take over me. "It has to be this way, unless you don't want to live! You know I love you and only you and you also knew what you were getting yourself into when we started dating! I told you what he was like and you said it didn't matter!" My face was flushed red, I could feel it. I had tears streaming down my face and I didn't bother wiping them away knowing it would be useless.
"Yeah well… I guess things change, don't they?" He growled.
"Well maybe you should have listened to me when I said being with me wasn't going to be easy" I yelled at him. I'm pretty sure I looked a mess but I couldn't care less. I couldn't believe we were fighting like this. We've had our fights before but nothing ever like this.
"Just get the fuck out okay? I need to be alone right now, so just go." His voice fell into a whisper near the end and I stood there in shock staring at him. He's not once ever told me to get out or go away where he wasn't willingly. If we had the chance to be together he would take it.
I grabbed my jacket and bag from the floor and stormed out of his bedroom slamming the door behind me not even bothering to hide the sobs coming from me anymore. I ran out of the house and onto the street and ran until I was close to home and stopped on my street corner. I couldn't go into the house looking like this; James would know something was wrong as soon as he looked at me.
I pulled out a small mirror from my bag and tried to get some light from the street light behind me. I wiped the smudged mascara from underneath my eyes with my sleeve jacket and did the best I could with the rest. I took one last glance in the mirror before walking home as confident as I could. Just before I opened the door, I paused and took a deep breath before opening the front door and going in, trying my best to calm my nerves. I walked in and closed the door just as James walked into the room.
"Hey babe, wh-" His sentence cut off as he took in my appearance and how upset I looked. This wasn't good. This was way beyond bad… I had already started shaking. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been to get myself so worked up like that knowing I had to face him. He never misses anything and this was one of those times I wish he just didn't give a crap about me.
"What's wrong with your face… why is it all red?" He asked suspiciously.
"It… it's nothing… really… I'm fine." I tried reassuring him but I don't think it was working. He took in my shaking frame and knew it wasn't just anything and that it was definitely something.
"You're lying… I can tell…" He took one large step towards me. "The question is… why would you be lying?" He took another step towards me and I backed up against the door trying to make myself smaller, hoping beyond belief that he doesn't hurt me.
"I, I'm not. I'm not lying to you. Why would I lie to you?" I squeaked.
He took another step towards me. "I don't know… you tell me. You're the one with all the answers." He took yet another step closer. "The secrets…" He trailed off, his voice holding a hint of a growl. Oh shit.
I felt physically sick. I can't ever remember seeing him so mad before since the day I've known him. Here he was, looking at me through dead eyes not even seeing me… just a look of pure hatred and anger. I could practically feel the frustration coming from him from my lack of cooperation. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me this wasn't going to end well.
"Tell me what you know bitch… tell me!" He closed the distance between us fast and slapped me across the face and I landed in heap on the floor. I brought my hand to my face and winced slightly at the already burning pain my cheek. He grabbed me by the shoulders and my hand fell away from my face and my bag fell to the floor, the contents spilling out.
"What the fuck happened tonight… If you don't tell me what I want to know, I swear to God, you will fucking regret it" He said in his most deadly tone.
I opened my mouth to say something but the only thing that escaped my lips was a whimper. He got a stronger grip of my shoulders and slammed me against the door a few times, my head hitting the wood every now and again and sending me into a dizzy state. I was thankful when he stopped but it was short lived when I realised how close his face was to mine… he gaze burning into my eyes.
"I… I've been seeing someone." I whispered, too scared to say it out a loud like it would make any difference.
"You fucking what?!" He shouted in my face, spit going everywhere.
"I… I said." I swallowed hard. "I've been seeing someone." He spoke louder this time.
"Give me a name, Mary." This was the question I was dreading. I wasn't going to give him a name no matter what he planned to do to me. I know me and Jeff had just gotten into a huge fight but I know he still loved me and I wouldn't ever wish what James would to him upon my greatest enemy. So I stayed quiet and watched the frustration he was feeling go to a whole other level.
I whimpered and kept quiet, looking away from him, answering his question. I wasn't going to tell him.
"I WANT A FUCKING NAME MARY!" He roared.
I shook my head and that only infuriated him more. He stood back and punched me across the face hitting the same area he had slapped me before just moments ago. I screamed out in agony and fell to floor clutching my face and willing the pain to stop. I couldn't believe what he was doing. I was so unbelievably scared I felt like I was going to throw up. I could see it in his face he wasn't one bit sorry for putting me through this pain. He thought I deserved it and was dishing it out as hard as he could.
His hand started twitching again and all that was giving him power was pure rage. I tried getting up to get away but as I got to my feet he slapped me again and I fell to the floor. I crawled into the nearest corner and his steps followed me all the way. I wasn't even going to bother to try and get up this time. I thought it best to be lying down for whatever it was he wanted to do to me next. At least I wouldn't hurt my head falling to the ground since I'd already be lying down.
He crossed the side of the room in three strides and started talking to himself too low for me to hear. I just knew what ever it as he was thinking wasn't good. I pulled myself up into a sitting position and leaned against the wall bringing my knees up to my chest and I wrapped my arms around them protectively.
"I'm sorry, okay. I'm really, really sorry. You have to believe me. Please." I stressed on the last word. I was crying like crazy and it wasn't going to stop anytime soon. I couldn't believe how bad this day had turned out. And it was going to get a whole lot worse before it ever got good again. If good was what you could call what I had before.
His head snapped in my direction and he looked straight through me. I shuddered from his frightening and empty stare and turned my gaze to the floor. "Sorry isn't good enough, sweetheart." He said the last word sarcastically. "But you will be." He closed in on me like a shadow filling a space that was light. He hunched over me and the last thing I saw before I cowered into myself once again was his hands pulling back and the burning, smacking contact against my skin… I cried out in pain, but just as soon as he slapped me before, he slapped me again…
--
Love is like a rare wine. When you finally find that perfect brand, hold onto it with everything you have, store it away until it ages perfectly…because you never know if someone will come along and smash that bottle, shattering your dreams along with your heart.
I'm gunna be evil and wait until HALLOWEEN tomorrow to post the next chapter, MUHAHAHAHA!!! So you will have to wait to find out what happened with Alice and Jeffrey!
I feel so bad for Alice and all this stuff she has been threw... the next two chapters are going to be devoted to this storyline! The next chapter continues straight off from where this leaves :)
Read and Review! Thanks everyone... until tomorrow! ENJOY!