A/N: Hi, you probably don't remember me at all, but I'm baaaaack. Well, kind of but we'll get to that later. Anyway, you would not believe how hard I've been finding writing at the moment, particularly for St. Berry (probably because of the amount of Finchel being shoved down our throats right now.) But I've managed to actually finish a one-shot but I apologise now because it's a) awful and b) angsty. Oh, and there's one swear word near the end – thought I should just warn you now.

I've got about six one-shots all part-way through, I just can't seem to finish any one of them. But I'm trying hard to get another done because let's face it, the world is lacking in St. Berry love right now.

Though having said that, this piece is somewhat lacking on the loving. Still, I'm just happy to have actually finished a one-shot and I am trying so very hard to finish some more :)

What If Jesse Slept with Santana?

He sleeps with Santana because at the end of the day, everyone screws over everyone and it's not like Rachel would care anyway (he's wrong, she does.)

And Santana's just there (in her dress that Jesse is sure is meant to be worn as a top) and she wants him (unlike Rachel) and they're both quick to clarify this means nothing. Well, not to them anyway. Santana, in her defence, sometimes needs someone close because, contrary to popular belief, it's actually hard to be that bitchy all the time. Why? Because you start to believe that's all you can ever be and sometimes you need someone to love you to prove that you can be something more. And she knows Jesse doesn't love her (she's not sure Jesse can love anyone, except perhaps himself) but it's probably the closest thing she's going to get right now. So when she feels his hand on the small of her back, she's not about to push it away.

She might say otherwise, but there is a small part of her that feels guilty over what she's doing to Rachel, but Jesse's the one who should be feeling guilty, not her, and since he's showing no qualms, Santana decides not to either. She doesn't ask him about Rachel; doesn't tell him they shouldn't do this, because thinking and talking are not top of their list of priorities. And that's where Jesse will always slip: because he can never make someone (Rachel) his main priority. And that's naturally due to his family (or lack thereof) but that doesn't make it acceptable. And the fact that Rachel won't forgive him (not that he's asked her to) only serves to make Jesse give Rachel even more reasons to never do so. It's wholly illogical but Jesse's come to realise nothing makes sense without Rachel, so he's bound to live solely by his instincts (however lacking in logic they may be.)

She doesn't kiss like Rachel, she's not nervous like Rachel and Jesse supposes that's a good thing but he just can't help but compare them. He doesn't place gentle kisses on her neck, he doesn't run his fingers over her stomach and when he looks at her face, her eyes are open and expectant unlike Rachel, who'd always clamped her eyes shut the minute he try to go further than kissing.

It's over pretty quickly and as he lies beside her, this nagging feeling bites at his stomach and he thinks it's guilt but he's not quite sure if there's something else living beside it. But he pushes those thoughts away because this is what his life is going to be like from now on. They don't lie close and they don't talk about it, but the silence is oddly comforting and before long Santana falls into a lulling regularity of breathing and Jesse knows she's asleep. He follows soon after and neither one awakes when Quinn, Brittany and Kurt burst in on them, in the hope of finding Santana. They find her (and a whole lot more) and it appears that they do all have moral consciences because not one of them wants to tell Rachel. Kurt can't even begin to understand how the two of them ended up in Santana's bed (or how Brittany managed to find a key to Santana's house) but after waiting two hours for Santana to show at the movies, Quinn had become increasingly impatient and resolved to fetching Santana herself.

"We shouldn't tell her," Kurt affirms the next time they're all in rehearsal but Quinn's quick to fold her arms, tap her foot and look more disapproving than normal.

"And let that dirt bag get away with it? No way," Quinn's more concerned with making Jesse pay than saving Rachel's dignity (and feelings) but to her, they're one and the same. The endgame remains unchanged.

They resolve to tell Finn who can in turn tell Rachel and Finn being Finn takes pride in being the one to inform her of Jesse's most recent misdemeanours. He thinks (and hopes) that this will be the last push she needs to come running back into his arms but he's foolish to think that (he slept with Santana too, remember, only he's decided that that was different.)

"Rachel, can we talk?" She hovers, turns and stares, not uttering a word in reply. He takes her silence as approval and begins to talk. "Look, Quinn and Kurt found out some stuff and well, we thought you should know that Jesse – "

"I know, Finn." She cuts him off and he stumbles a little because this was not how the conversation was supposed to go. He was meant to tell her gently, hold her close as she cried into his shirt and she'd realise – in amongst all the mess – that he would always be there for her. But now as he looks, he can see her eyes are already red from crying. "Jesse slept with Santana."

"Wh – How did you - ?"

"How I found out is irrelevant. I'd just really appreciate it if it didn't go any further than Glee club." Finn's left open mouthed (and a little bit annoyed – Jesse's still managed ruin his heroic moment.) "I mean, I assume everyone else already knows?"

Finn's inability to formulate an answer tells her that yes, they already know. Rachel sighs, dabs at her eyes and takes a seat beside Mercedes, who takes a hold of Rachel's hand and gives it a soft squeeze. Santana sits beside Brittany and a warm rush is felt in her cheeks that she swears isn't guilt (it is.) Finn hovers in front of the rest of the club before avoiding Santana's gaze and finding his seat.

"You deserve better than him," Mercedes whispers as Mr. Schue turns up and starts handing out music. Rachel nods (and though she knows Mercedes is taking about Jesse, Rachel can't help but apply it to Finn too. In her eyes, they're both as bad as each other. If only she knew just how alike they were.)

Jesse finds out pretty fast (via a text from Santana) that Rachel knows. Panic turns to (self) pity but he eventually settles on ignorance. He's a screw up anyway; he's been told from the day he was born that that's all he'll ever amount to (until he meets Shelby, who tells him to fuck them all, only not in those terms.) So that's what he does, he looks out for himself and no one else, disregarding the consequences.

And when she rings him, he's this close not to answering but this way, it'll all be over quicker.

"I take it this is Rachel?" He doesn't question the fact she still knows his number. He also doesn't tell her he still has her number stored so he already knows for a fact that it's her.

"Why did you do it?" Not that he can tell but her eyes are closed and she's hoping for some half-hearted apology that consists of the word 'drunk.'

"Because I could," is instead what she hears and she didn't think it was possible, but her heart breaks a little bit more. It's cold and callous and his voice splinters hers ears and her eyes and she doesn't wasn't to hear anymore but she forces herself to listen, to ask more.

"I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you," she replies tearfully and she's so innocent, so broken that Jesse tells himself that he was right to do what he did. Because he's dangerous. He's deadly and he's hostile and he would have broken her (more than he already has done.) And this is the sacrifice he has to make. He has to choose between being Jesse and being Jesse St. James and somehow, the latter always comes out on top. He swallows and closes his eyes because he can't close his ears and he just needs to get her out of his head. So he ends the call and promptly throws the phone against the nearest wall, watching it shatter to the floor.

And as it does, he can't help but think of the irony; it's a metaphor for his heart breaking and Jesse can honestly say he's never hated metaphors (or himself) more because both remind him too much of Rachel.

And though he knows in time she'll get over it (get over him), it doesn't ease the pain (or the guilt) that he's feeling now.

Something tells him, nothing ever will.