Sirius

Ninth Track: Colours

Why does it always end up like this? The exact way I do not want it to end up? That is with me stark naked in my scarlet duvets with a naked Daphne melted unnaturally into my body, her top over there skirt over here tights up there shoes down there bra somewhere and thong elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, Daphne James is a fantastic shag and pretty great snog but she's not exactly my type. Ah yes my type, in my eyes my ideal woman my dream witch.

I see her tall and lean with an elegant physique, soft and smooth olive skin that glowed like a goddess. Her lips the fullest to be seen and rosy like the blush on embarrassed schoolgirls, her neck long and graceful like a swan a neck waiting to be attacked by a thousand kisses and nibbles by me. I want her with waves on her head that reminded me of chocolate smothered in darkness like her soul, her dark, nebulous, misunderstood soul that possessed burgeoning good that was waiting to bloom. I don't want her to smell like stuffy designer shit that people like my cousins Narcissa and Bellatrix wore, perfume with labels, I want her to smell sweet to smell nectarous to smell like toothsome honey draped in rained flowers. I want a woman to be able to laugh at the most inappropriate moments and not afraid to be different, I want a friend and a lover, someone to be mine someone to be my forever. I want Nell. Yes, I've finally came to realize and accept the fact that I am and for a very long time enraptured deeply with my best friend and probably have been since I've met, since the day she tried to kill me…

FLASHBACK

"Come on James, just talk to her mate!" Pleaded a young Sirius

He was trying to get the small scrawny boy with glasses and messy hair to chat up with the pretty redhead muggle born in the turquoise sundress and braided pigtails. The scrawny boy named James was immediately in love.

"But Sirius-"

"No buts my friend! The girls like her play hard to get, and you have to keep egging her on until she gives in."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, I'm Sirius Black I couldn't be surer!"

And with that nonsensical logic, James Potter followed Sirius Black to the compartment with the redhead girl in the turquoise sundress. On the way they met a tall lanky boy with a mop of caramel curls named Remus Lupin, and his friend a stubby fat boy who very much resembled a mouse named Peter Pettigrew, which Sirius Black was very reluctant to hang out with but James Potter insisted it was the polite thing to do.

So the four boys slam the compartment door open to not only see the redheaded little girl with the braids and sundress, but a greasy, puny boy with an outrageously long nose and grimy black hair who James and Sirius immediately took a disliking to. There was another girl; she was extraordinarily small for her age looking more like a five year old than a ten year old with golden blonde hair down to her waist with an overall dress obviously annoyed at her lengthy hair tugging on it aggressively hoping that it would snap off. There was another girl in the compartment who sat by shyly practically hiding behind the small girl which was funny because this girl was extremely tall for a ten year old looking more like a thirteen year old. She was thin so thin that if she turned around she'd probably disappeared, unlike most children in England, this girl was tanned with a rosy tint, she had freckles sprinkled on her nose, big blue- green eyes and long, wavy, blonde hair that was shiny and luscious. Ah but there was a girl who caught Sirius Black's eye the moment he sought her, she was tall but not like the tanned blonde one she as about Sirius' height, and she too as thin but not exceedingly thin. Her skin was creamy yet olive and flawless, high cheekbones and haughty lips with cold yet the most beautiful violet eyes he's ever laid eyes on with long and thick lashes around them, her neck was long and elegant very much like a swan and her hair was dark and wavy pulled back into a violet ribbon in a lace doll- like dress, obviously dressed by her mother. This beautiful little girl was definitely an upstanding pure- blood so what was she doing with a muggle born?

"Uh, I-"Stuttered James.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"This is James Potter, I'm Sirius Black, that's Remus Lupin and that one over there is Paul Parker."

"It's Peter Pettigrew." Squeaked "Paul Parker"

The redhead little girl twirled a pigtail and flashed two perfect rows of straight, white teeth. James was going to die.

"It's pleasure to meet all of you, I'm Lily Evans and this here is my very best friend Severus Snape."

Before Snape could scowl, the small one spoke up with a high- pitched squeaky voice.

"And I'M Alice Sophie Little, the only child and I may look small but I will kick your butt!"

Alice made punch at Peter who squeaked/screamed and ran to hide behind Remus.

"AW! You're like a mouse, how adorable!" She squealed.

The pure- blood princess rolled her eyes and smirked making her way over to the commotion. Sirius couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"The shy one back there is Reid Maxwell, she besides ginger over there is a muggle- born, I'm befriending them to get me parents knickers in a twist, and I'm Perenelle Stardust, but from this point and beyond you will not address me as such, it will be Nell you got that?"

And Sirius couldn't have thought of a name even more beautiful, it was so fitting. Mischief flashed in his mystique gray eyes as he stopped forward to Princess Perenelle.

"Well…PERENELLE will have to do." He grinned.

Rage, aggravation, vengeance, and curiosity danced like wildfire in Perenelle Stardust's amethyst gaze. And before Sirius Black could come up with another cheeky line, Perenelle grabbed no YANKED Sirius by his dark curls getting a panicked screech out of him that sounded a lot like a puppy's yelp, she tugged him over to the window of the compartment and aggressively opened the window having the audience gasp and squeal in fright, Lily Evans begged her to stop this nonsense while James Potter laughed getting a scowl from his newfound love interest.

"Or what Green eyes? I can do whatever I please and I'm going to teach this prissy princess a lesson, but don't worry, in a way I'm helping him to NOT be like his maniacal family! First lesson of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Black: Never. Mess. With. Nell. Stardust!"

And with a cackle and a smirk, she practically threw the poor boy out of the wind, with his entire body hanging out except for his calves and feet! He was screaming bloody murder and Perenelle was getting a laugh out of it! After a myriad of pleads and a lecture from the trolley cart lady, she reluctantly let the troubled youth back into the train.

After that, those misfits became the best of friends all except for Severus who disliked all but Lily and Perenelle. When they were in the boats, Perenelle continued her sly tricks and decided to tell Sirius a terrifying and gory tale of the giant squid whom resides in the bowels of the black lake along with the most ugly and baneful merfolk, Sirius put on a brave face but he was shaking in his boots. And to make matters worse, she pushed him into the lake, but his friends James and Remus helped him out while Peter learned to fear Perenelle the Tyrant.

When the sorting came, everyone they have met except for Snape of course got into Gryffindor, even young Black. Now Perenelle Stardust was everything but a wimp and she wasn't going to let anyone know this but she was absolutely petrified. She comes from the most important, extinguished, wealthy, messed up, bloodthirsty, and evil family of pure bloods. She hated everything about them and often thought about death and was quite fascinated by it; she loved funerals and the talk about thanatology which she was taught by her Great Uncle Elijah Monroe Stardust who died after he saw the grim. Her family made her think about death, but it could be because she's witnessed so much of it ever since she was a very small youngling with big and curious eyes and an imagination the size of her innocence. Her family was full of Slytherins on both sides, every single one of them, and if they didn't go to Hogwarts they went to Durmstrang and if they were squib they were killed. She was not allowed, no it wasn't an option she had to get in, or else… but she didn't want to be in Slytherin, she didn't want to be like her family she hated them all except for her little sister Persephone with hair so blonde it was white like the moon and eyes bluer than ice. She couldn't really say much for her biological father since she has no idea of his existence. She wanted to be in Gryffindor with her friends, Ravenclaw they were all too brainy, Hufflepuffs were way too nice which sickened her in so many ways but Gryffindor were just right, they knew who they wanted to be and that's exactly what she needed.

"PERENELLE STARDUST!"

She glared daggers at the old bat who called her name and ignored whispers and quiet tones of people either admiring her or hating her for her bloodline, when she climbed onto the stool the old and tattered hat was placed on her perfect and silky waves and she was not phased when it spoke, she has relatives after all, her cousin Rodolphus told her all about Hogwarts.

'Ah, a Stardust a family of wicked nature who have been in the house of the sly and cunning, and The Lestrange's too my, my you are wicked child by blood indeed.'

'Shut up you old hat! Listen I am nothing like my family got that?"

The hat chuckled.

'Feisty without any worries, but you are afraid of something, something dark yes…I see darkness in you as well as light. You can be sly with your devious tricks and cunning when need be, but you could only think of your clever plots if you were exceptionally bright, and you definitely do not possess the unnatural kindness of a Hufflepuff, yes I think it's ping ponging between Ravenclaw and Slytherin.'

'Give me either of those and I shall shred you myself!'

'Alright, alright no need to be hasty…you are brave especially with the bold moves you have made in the past, and the way mischief glints your eyes when you think of a foul idea, you also know where your loyalties lie and exactly what you want so it will be….'

'GRYFFINDOR!' The hat shouted.

And she couldn't have been more content and Sirius couldn't have been more in love.

END FLASHBLACK

I want her; I need her…Nell it hurts, why can't you love me like I do you? Why can't you be mine, why can't you look at me the way I want you to? I need go see her.

"Baby, where are you going?" Cooed Daphne as put my clothes back on, we had an hour until our next class.

"I have to go."

"Where?"

"You don't need to know."

She giggled but it as sharp and posh, so unlike Nell's carefree one that made all worries disappear.

"You're so mysterious Siri."

"That's why you want me."

And with that I raced out of the Marauder's lair, down the stairs through the common room and out the portrait. It pouring buckets outside which meant she was on the Astronomy tower, so that's where went and when I found her I did not like what I saw.

Nell, my beautiful, perfect, and wonderful Nell was passed out on the boards of the tower. Her olive complexion was pale and clammy all color drained from her, she was her normal weight which means she was smoking less. An empty bottle of fire whiskey and a half empty goblet of vodka sat beside her as a half empty bottle of pills were there as a witness as well, and what's worse was all the blood around her, a knife by her body and long, wounded slashes on her wrists. Oh, no, oh fuck no, no, no, no, no, no, no… SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

I scooped her delicate frame up into my arms and I was crying like a baby, she was so broken like an old porcelain doll I wanted to unhurt her.

"NO! NELL WHAT THE FUCK? WHY? WHY? WHY? MERLIN WHY?"

Why didn't she tell me she was hurting?

I didn't even know my feet were moving, and before I could say help and sing my plead for cure I as in the Hospital Wing before Madame Pomfrey the young and new nurse with yellow hair and plain eyes, begging her to do something while she repeatedly asked what happened. After a while she knew she wasn't going to get an answer out of me, I was too damn distraught, so she took over to a bed and closed the curtains working her magic as I was trying to figure what the hell was going on and why the fuck wasn't I by my girl's side. Hours passed and the marauders and the girls showed up but I barely noticed them, they were like figments of my imagination, like ghosts somewhat when they asked what happened and Lily was freaking with tears coating her face, James holding her, Remus trying to think up a logical explanation, Reid trying to calm everyone down while not having a meltdown, Alice kicking and screaming for answers. And Peter doing nothing. More people came like Dumbledore, McGonagall, and a woman who looked exactly like Nell so much like her it was scary, I went up to her thinking it was Nell and she gave me a harsh, cold, and annoyed look before walking off leaving me to yell in frustration. And in an instant I was gone…

"Sirius, Sirius."

What? Am I dead, it's so bright…?

"Sirius, Yo dude wake up."

The voice was beautiful and silky like honey and velvet. But who would sound proper while speaking so un proper.

"Damn nuggets and Circe's pigs Sirius! Man wake the hell up, I'm bored!"

And I did, and I was glad I did so because Nell was up in the hospital bed, sitting against the ivory pillows in an alabaster hospital robe. She looked like Nell, but at the same time she didn't. She had her toothy, goofy 'it's all good' grin, her eyes twinkled with roguery, and she was beautiful. But then she wasn't, she was fragile, thinner even, her skin pale and it looked…frigid. Her thick and luscious waves that covered half her face and ended at her chest was dull and brown, even frizzy and looked teased. She had purple bags under her eyes, white bandage was wrapped around her head and she had stitches and gauzes on her arms. She looked broken, and I hated that.

I grabbed her hand and I could've sworn I saw some color return to her high cheeks, but It was probably the light playing tricks on my eyes.

"Nell…what happened?" I heard my voice crack from lack of usage.

Her grin disappeared and she looked ashamed.

"Shit…uh, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you promise me something?"

I moved closer to her and stared into her gaze.

"Anything."

She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Don't hate me."

"Nell, I'd never-"

"Just promise me!"

"I promise that nothing you can do would make me hate you, even if you shaved my hair off my head, but don't it's so pretty." I joked.

She laughed but it seemed force.

"Sirius, you know my problems at home?"

Anger suddenly boiled up inside me as I thought of her family and how much I wanted to kill them for hurting Nell.

"Yeah." I growled.

She laid a hand on my cheek trying to calm me down, and her soft yet cold touch worked.

"You know what I did to cope-"

"FUCK NELL! You're doing it again!"

I didn't mean to scream, I didn't mean to explode like I did I just did. I hate how she hurts herself, the things she does to herself. The excessive drinking, the chain smoking, the drugs, the cutting, all the suicidal attempt all the blood. Damn, all that fucking blood. I was mad at her for not coming to me, I was mad at her family for causing all of this, but most of all I was mad at myself for not being there for her.

"Listen Sirius, I'm not in the mood and Pomfrey's got me on a load of drugs all doped from whatever she did to me and lots of blood and what not, so I'm real mellow but don't yell, not at me, not you, please Sirius please! I don't want to disappoint you, I don't want you to hate me or be mad at me you and the gang all are all I have…" She choked and tears fell down her lovely face and all I wanted to do was wish them away.

"I just want to disappear, but you guys are the only ones who make me want to live, if I don't have you if I lose you I'd- please love me please don't leave me please be there for me, I need you I need you so much it hurts, my mum she wants…she wants me to go to the psycho ward at St. Mungo's."

My eyes widened at that and I stood abruptly ready to fight.

"Sirius, please."

At her plead I sat down, but I sure as well wasn't calm.

"She said if this happens again, she's going to register me in, with nutters! My own mother…"

Without even thinking, I got up and sat beside her in the bed, encasing my arms around her fragile body sniggling her close and resting my cheek on her head breathing her in. The smell of sugar, flowers, rain, whiskey, and cigarettes…all together it smelled so refreshing so beautiful so Nell.

"Go to sleep." I whispered.

She cried and laughed and whispered.

"You're a real softy for an asshole."

And she fell asleep in my arms. If I died right now, I'd be content with that, as long as I have her, I'll be alright.

So I pull the switch, the switch, the switch inside my head.
And I see black, black, green,and brown, brown, brown and blue, yellow, violets, red.
And suddenly a light appears inside my brain
And I think of my ways, I think of my days and know that I have changed.

If the color's (bad?)
No need to be sad.
It really ain't that bad.

If the color's (bad?)
No need to be sad.
You've still got your (hand?)

So Mistress, Mistress have you been up to the roof?
He shot himself, self
There's blood on the wall
'Cause he couldn't face the truth.