Author's Notes: I already explained to Marlicat in a PM, but I thought I might as well explain the MARVELS Graphic Novel (that I mentioned on my AN on the first chapter) here to whoever is interested.
MARVELS tell the story of Phil Sheldon, an ordinary photographer who witnessed the Dawn of the Superhero Age on the Marvel Universe, during WWII until the 70's. It really does a great work in showing how superheroes would be seen in the eyes of the common man and the art is stunning!
I strongly recommend everyone to check it out, it's a comics masterpiece!
Also,
ANT-MAN, COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU 2015!
And
COULSON LIVES!
NATION WIDE MANHUNT FOR BRUCE BANNER
Dr. Robert Bruce Banner was already wanted for gazillions of crimes, but now, he added kidnapping to the list.
"My daughter was kidnapped" said General Thaddeus Ross, father of Elizabeth Ross "The papers say that she ran away with him, but she was unconscious when the Hul… ahem… Banner took her away. As far as we know, she was taken and is unable to make contact with us!"
Ross also said that, if Elizabeth makes contact, he will track "the shit" out of it.
Banner's Internet alias "Mr. Green" was added to the S.H.I.E.L.D. database for faster tracking.
General Ross swears that, after he put his hands on him, Banner will be unrecognizable, but so unrecognizable, that he might as well be another person.
PUENTE ANTIGUO ATTACKED BY DECEPTICON, LOCAL 7-11 DESTROYED
Something exciting finally happened at Puente Antiguo, where a giant Megazord started to lay waste to the small city, Michael Bay style!
But, despite all the brainless entertainment it provided, tragedy struck where an innocent and defenseless 7-11 store was caught in the middle of the action.
Now, the poor citizens of Puente Antiguo will never be able to enjoy their special offer for the month of May, in which, with each purchase of two slices of pizza, you can get a Hotdog and a Slurpee for only a quarter more. Limited offer expires June. Offer void in Oregon.
This news article was brought to you by 7-11.
UPDATE: PUENTE ANTIGUO SAVED
Everything seemed lost for the distraught and 7-11less citizens of Puente Antiguo, as Mecha-Godzilla burned the city down. While the Nerd Squad helped evacuate the city, the Hobbits bravely, and stupidly, confronted the beast to no avail.
And then, a surprising event occurred in the form of a plaid shirt wearing hillbilly who walked up to the Terminator, and said that his momma was fat or something, which caused the ire of the Metal Gear who bitch slapped him away. But, as all hope seemed to vanish, it was Morphing Time! Soon the redneck rose from the dead like a steroid filled, blonde Jesus, and summoned storms which destroyed the robotic demon, obviously created by Tony Stark in yet another attempt to enslave the human race.
According to some people the mysterious, mighty man was actually a Norse God. The Norse Mythology, for those who don't know, is a trippy New Age religion consisting of a pantheon of Gods who live in Mount Olympus which is connected to Earth via "Bite-Frost", the Rainbow Bridge. One of the most powerful Gods is Thor, the God of Thursdays, who wields the mighty hammer "Bjorn" and is married to Sif, the Goddess of Syphilis.
As you can see, that psychedelic crap is just another impossible fairy tale, like Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Black Holes.
However, Puente Antiguo is already taking advantage of the situation for tourism purposes, starting the production of thousands of T-Shirts saying "First Roswell, Now Puente Antiguo. Alien Bitches Love New Mexico!"
"Now, that Puente Antiguo became the location of the first documented contact with extraterrestrial beings, our [inexistent] popularity will skyrocket" said the Secretary of Tourism "But, that's not all! Now that our city became a bridge between worlds, it just adds even more meaning to the name of our city"
Puente Antiguo, for those who don't know, is Spanish for "whale's vagina".
TONY STARK AND JAMES RHODES TO RECEIVE MEDALS, DID SHOW UP Read more Pg. 37
MILITARY SURROUNDS NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LAB
The military has invaded Grayburn College's Department of Cell Biology, this evening, to arrest federal fugitive Dr. Bruce Banner who was "paying a visit" to fellow scientist Dr. Samuel Sterns.
The motives of Dr. Banner's visit are still unclear, and Samuel Sterns is being held in the lab for questioning by Major Kathleen Sparr. Captain Emil Blonsky followed her to help.
We were able to sneak past General Thaddeus Ross to talk with a heavily drugged Bruce Banner. After drooling for a little bit, Banner managed to gain enough focus to give us the following, babbling statement:
"They want to study it! Can you believe it? That's all the army does, always studying stuff! Can't they see that we should always destroy what we fear, without second thoughts? That's what I've been trying to do for the last five years! And I know it's the only sensible thing to do, because I'm a scientist! A very smart and reasonable one! Sterns think that we could harvest some good out of it, that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages, that we could, potentially, end all the diseases. The fool! Marie Curie thought the same thing, and what happened to her? She died! For radiation! She should have realized how deadly it was, and destroy all her notes, sparing the world from its horrors, but noooo. She thought that radiation could advance civilization and help save lives. Well, yeah, X-Rays helps diagnose many, possibly lethal, injuries, but did it save hers, NO! She should think about herself instead of the rest of the world, like me and all the other scientists do. That's the principle of Science: to hide all dangerous discoveries from the rest of humanity, without even trying to understand it. WHY NOBODY LISTENS TO ME? I'M A RATIONAL SCIENTIST!" and then he doze off.
General Ross assured us that now that Banner is safely restrained, there will be no more monster attacks.
When our men asked what the monster sightings have to do with Dr. Banner, General Ross arrested them for Treason.
ANOTHER MONSTER DESTROYS ANOTHER UNIVERSITY
Another monster emerged from hell to vanquish another center of education this evening at New York City. Fortunately, the army was, coincidentally, there to arrest Bruce Banner, and dashed to help. Unfortunately, they couldn't do shit.
While it was first believed to be Godzilla-Man, the monster showed many different characteristics such as exposed bones, yellow-vomit coloration, and the glaring absence of ears, genitals.
Many now wonder if Godzilla-Man shares the lack of sexual organs with this monster, since he was never seem without pants.
This event summed with the two attacks to Culver University suggest a pattern in which all the monsters seem to have a fundamental hatred for higher learning, and are driven to come out of their mythical hideouts and destroy these type of facilities.
This editor say we should get together and burn down every single college in the United States to prevent this from ever happening again.
HULK BATTLES DICKLESS MONSTER, BOTH DESTROY HARLEM
The Hulk monster, formerly known as Godzilla-Man, but can't be called that anymore because Toho Co. was threatening to sue, crawled from the depths of the realm of Subterranea to ferociously battle The Amazing Living Diarrhea.
The battle lasted 10 breathtaking minutes, and finally ended with Hulk victorious over the Human Phlegm, and then he fled. Many people also died during the confrontation, and a considerable amount of property was damaged, to say the least.
General Ross didn't care much "It's just Harlem, after all" but the Mayor of New York City is worried that thanks to this event summed to the Hammeroid massacre in Flushing Meadows earlier this week, New York may be facing a moral, touristic, and economic crisis like no other "If anything of this magnitude happens again to, let's say, Manhattan, we're royally fucked!"
Fortunately, the historical Apollo Theatre was spared. The Apollo Theatre's basement was the location of Howard Stark's Top Secret Harlem Project, which attempted again to recreate the Super Soldier Serum. Even though the project failed to produce Super-Soldiers, it did create the Globetrotters.
HULK VISITS CANADA Read more Pg. 8
TONY STARK PISSES OFF U.S. ARMY GENERAL
Some commotion happened yesterday in a local Bar.
Genius, Billionaire, Superhero Tony Stark was seen talking with Dumbass, Loser, General Thaddeus Ross about recruiting "The Abort Nation" for "The Arrangers Initiative", whatever the hell that means.
Apparently, Stark was so charming that General Ross demanded him to be kicked out of the establishment, saying that "[Stark] can forget about [Ross] releasing Blonsky".
Stark then bought the place for 1.999,90 and kicked out Ross instead.
Demolition is scheduled for next Tuesday.
MARK ZUCKERBERG ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR BY TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 5
TONY STARK VISITS TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 6
IRON MAN ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR SECOND-TIME-IN-A-ROW BY TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 7
FRICKIN' HUGE AIRCRAFT FOUND ON THE ARCTIC
While doing whatever the fuck they do in the Arctic, researchers, or penguin hunters, we don't know, came upon an amazing discovery: a huge ass aircraft stuck on ice.
Not knowing what it is, or its origins, federal agents were called from Washington to investigate. We hope they're careful though, as, odds are, this is an alien flying saucer, and could contain some "thing" that can take the form of anyone and bring death to everything in its path, you know, like in that Wes Craven movie with Kurt Russel and Mary Elizabeth Winstead based on the Stephen King novel about the shape shifting clown.
OH MY GOD! WE FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENED IN BUDAPEST!
Some of our readers may remember that something happened in Budapest, about six years ago, but we couldn't report it. Well, now some of the classified files were released for the public, and so, using our patented Sherlock Holmes Investigation Technique to fill in the blanks, we can reveal the most amazing story anyone have ever heard! It all started in Philadelphia, where a guy dressed like Kermit the Frog… Continues Pg. 6
VERY HANDSOME MAN RUNS BAREFOOT IN TIMES SQUARE Read more Pg. 7, Pictures centerfold.
Author's Notes: So, this was the last chapter before the avengers, I'm planning great things for the last chapters, but it may take a while. I'm also happy that I'll no longer have to type "Puente Antiguo", because I'm tired of seeing that red underline saying that "Antiguo" is wrong. And it is! It should have been "Antigua" because "Puente" is a female noun, so the adjective has to be female as well. But the movie said the name of the city is "Antiguo", so I have to go with that.
I'M WORKING AGAINST THE CLOCK HERE!
There are two jokes that I prepared related to Coulson's death and War Machine's whereabouts, but now that Coulson will appear in the S.H.I.E.L.D. series and War Machine's whereabouts will be explained in an Iron Man 3 comic tie-in, those jokes may be outdated and misinformed quicker than I expected (But, then again, we don't know if S.H.I.E.L.D. is gonna be a prequel or Coulson will only appear in flashbacks, and the canon status of tie-ins can always be debated).
However, I was already planning to release a "Reloaded" version of this fic when Avengers 2 comes around, updating some info about things that happened during Phase 1 that are only revealed in Phase 2, tweaking some news, removing, adding, inserting new jokes, correcting typos, etc.
I won't edit or delete this fic though. I will just post it as another fic. So, people can check the "Original" before or after reading the "Remake/Remastered version".