Chapter 10
Regret is Restraining
XoXoX
I sat, back against the wall, staring at my hands. The things that signed the death certificate of many; handing out death sentences like they were free samples. The hands that have the capability to save lives, and yet only chooses to end them because to save them is too much work. They're the same hands that pulled the plug; that ended my best friend's life.
I couldn't stop them from trembling. She's been dead for...five minutes. Maybe ten. I really don't know how much time has past since that moment. It feels like time has been droning. Seconds feel like hours, and minutes feel even longer. Around me, things are happening fast, or at a regular rate. My sense of reality is slightly warped. Maybe it's because I'm busy reliving the past five or ten minutes again.
I want to forget it and brush it off as another casualty, but I can't. We were too close. I have successfully pushed my other friends away, but for some reason I couldn't do the same to her. We don't get to see each other often. At times, I find myself yearning for her company. I never bothered to seek her out because I knew she was busy working, pleasing pigs, and nursing injuries that I should be caring for.
Never again. That cycle will never repeat itself.
After several antagonizing moments, I was finally living in the present. As much as I'd hate to admit it, the past still lingered in the back of my mind. When I close my eyes, I see her smiling face, then it distorts into a bloody mess. From there I just see her body as it laid when I left.
I need to get over it.
The hallway was vacant, aside from my meager self. I hate the silence that surrounds me. It was too loud. I was hearing everything and nothing at the same time. Cries of sorrow, a sullen heartbeat, an imaginary clock ticking, death leaving with my friend, and quiescence.
Stillness.
Nothing.
When I finally overcame numbness, I had to force myself to get over a feeling akin to what I think is pity. People die every single day, so what makes her death special? She wasn't going to live forever. No is, so I can't be caught up on this matter for too much longer.
I tell myself that, but I hardly believe it.
Could it be that I have finally crashed into rock bottom?
No, I haven't.
I won't.
I never will.
The moment I started walking away, was the moment I decided I didn't want to be here anymore. My legs moved with a hurried speed, moving faster at the thought of running into someone. I need to get out of this area as soon as possible.
I have to be alone, for my own sake. The smallest interaction with anyone is a gut churning thought. I can't face anyone while they are overly emotional and I don't feel a thing.
Too many questions.
Too much displaced anger.
Sooner or later I will have to explain my decision to the others. I want to delay that interaction for as long as I can. It angers in a way that they just can't see there was no hope for her. It was too late. There was nothing I could do to save her. It would have been a waste of supplies to even stabilize her in that condition.
I can't tell them that.
With their always try attitude, they wouldn't understand. They don't care to see my logic, just as I don't care to see theirs. Trying to defend myself would be a waste of breath. They won't listen to reason, especially if it's coming from my mouth.
To keep her alive is selfish on our part. Yes, she is our friend and we want to keep it that way forever, but nothing lasts forever. She was in great pain, and as her friend I didn't want her to suffer anymore. To kill her immediately was the only way to ensure that wouldn't happen. It's hard to say goodbye to friends, but sometimes you have to. It was for the best, whether anyone wants to acknowledge this or not as truth, that's on them.
She lost her life, and we lost a friend.
No one won today.
The best way to deal with this situation, is to stand by my choice.
Eventually they'll accept it and move on.
XoXoX
I woke up, not wanting it to be tomorrow. I have one task to do and that's to prepare Tenten's body for burial. I don't want to do it, much less with the help of Kabuto. I need to be professional about this. I've prepared bodies for burial numerous times. This time should be no different.
I don't miss her or wish she was still alive, but the task at hand is a little unsettling. Not that I have ever taken joy out of what I do, but this has to be the most depressing thing that I'm about to do.
Very few people are awake at the moment, which is good because I still don't want to face people. It's too early in the morning to deal with someone's disdain for me because I decided to put Tenten out of her misery.
The walk to the morgue feels daunting. My steps are slow in spite of wanting to get there quickly.
I stood on the outside of the door to gather my thoughts.
She is no different from any other corpse I've seen. Our friendship was severed the moment I pulled the plug. She means nothing to me. I don't care about her because there is nothing about her that needs to be cared for.
There is nothing more in this world that I want more than for those previous statements to be completely true.
I open the door, casting away all my inhibitions. The room was empty and quiet. The gateway to an eternal place buried beneath the surface was grim. The lighting was bright, in an ominous way. The entire area beckoned death to wait until we extract any useful things before tossing the vessel and allowing it to rot in a fancy wooden box.
I pulled on a pair of gloves and open the refrigerator that contained her body. I was glad that she was in a closed and opaque body bag. I don't think that the girls bothered to clean her up a bit before placing her in here. I'm not looking forward to unzipping it, but the longer I stand here not doing anything productive, the longer I have to stay in a room with cold, dead bodies.
The dissection table made a creaking noise that echoed throughout the room as I rolled it to where Tenten was. I carefully lift her body on the table and roll it back to the middle of the room. I find myself staring at the black bag, thinking it would magically open by itself.
The door opens, revealing a joyous looking Kabuto. He isn't truly happy unless he's dismembering someone. He smirks when he sees me. "I see someone is eager to work today."
"I just want to get this over with."
He pouts in a childlike manner. "That's no fun."
"It's not supposed to be"
While I was gathering the materials, I heard him unzip the bag. I stayed still for a moment, preparing myself for a cruel sight. Instead of looking at the table, I was focused on Kabuto's expression. He looked as if he stuck gold; wide eyes that were filled with glee and mouth set in a large grin. "She's beautiful." He gasped in astonishment. My eyes darted downward, only catching a glimpse of purple and blue. "Wouldn't you agree Sakura?" His tone was mocking.
I didn't answer him. What is laying before me is far from beautiful. Tenten was a girl of autumn beauty, the number of men she pleasures can attest to this. Everything about her was warm and welcoming.
The person on the table was not her. She was cold, her facial features unrecognizable. Her skin lost it's warmth, now replaced with an icy blue glow. The blood that was on her face dried in layers, deep wine red in color. Her lips that usually held a smile were pale, chapped, and set in a neutral position.
"Let's hurry through the external exam so we can get to the more interesting part."
We didn't bother cleaning her, that will be another person's job. I documented the exposed muscles and unattached skin. On her right bicep, I can faintly see what appears to be scratch marks. She was missing a lot of flesh and bones were sticking out of places where bones shouldn't be. In some places I couldn't tell if there was any bruises due to the blood, outside of that the external exam went fairly smooth.
Kabuto made the y-incision to expose her abdomen. I note the several broken ribs on the autopsy sheet. With his bare hands, he touches her liver which was still healthy. "That's disgusting." I commented.
He scoffs, not caring what I think. Right now, he's in heaven and nothing is going to bring him down. I allow him the few moments of admiring the organs. "We can't use any of her organs for transplants, but they would be great for experiments." He said cheerfully.
I nod and grab several containers filled with embalming fluid. I label each one accordingly as he removes the organs. When it came down to the brain, we couldn't do anything with it. Only a small portion of it was slightly undamaged, the rest was useless.
"We're not burning this one." I said to no one in particular.
He seemed disappointed at the news. "Fine."
I held her death certificate in my hands. It was waiting to be checked off for a cause of death and signed. I stared at the words homicide. Usually some sort of justice is done when someone dies at the hands of another person.
Not for her.
I labeled her death a clinical one and sign the paper.
Maybe now I can forget about this whole thing.
XoXoX
I mentally reprimand myself for avoiding everyone. It seems like such a cowardly thing to do, but I can't think of a good response that will satisfy the one question I know they will constantly ask.
Why?
I had to. If it weren't me, then it would be even more torturous for her. The other girls would have prolonged it by saying tearful goodbyes and taking trips down memory lane. There was too much emotion connecting them, us, together. It would have been impossible for them to sever that bond. Yet I did it like she was a stranger.
That response would only infuriate them.
Today is about to be the fourth day in a row that I have managed to avoid talking to them.
I should have known it would end soon.
Hinata walked in the room, eyes red from crying. She was holding a piece of paper, I presume it to be Tenten's death certificate. I was surprised that she wasn't yelling at me...yet. We've been through this too many times before, she's going to leave in tears and it's because of what I said.
She sat on the edge of the bed, with a small, sad smile on her face. "It's nice that she's going to get a proper burial." Her voice finally broke the silence.
I say nothing, an unsettling feeling swelling in my stomach, impairing my ability to speak. It was slowly getting worse as time goes by.
"It will be in a week from today. We're working on reconstituting her, so she looks nice." She turns to face me. "I know you don't care but-" The rest of her sentence went unheard, the sound of my thumping heart taking place of her words.
I do care.
She was one of my best friends, and now she's dead.
"It would mean a lot to us if you would show up." She places her hand on my leg. "At least think about it."
When I didn't give any sign of agreement, she left.
Once the door closed, whatever was causing me discomfort decided to relieve itself via throwing up all over my bed. I shudder from the rush of endorphins. My body felt heavier than usual. It took a lot of effort to get up and gather the soiled sheets. I didn't want to move, I just want to curl up in a ball.
Why have I grown so weak?
It's pathetic.
My heartbeat was like thunder, getting louder with every step I take. Luckily the laundry room isn't that far. By the time I got there, I am completely exhausted. Things were about to get a lot worse. Of all the places Hinata could have gone to, it had to be here.
She lifts her head and smiles. "Hey Sakura."
I mumble a greeting and avoid eye contact.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I know she's staring at me and the sheets in my hand. The environment is tense with anticipation. "I'm not going." I stated.
"I understand." She replied in a soft voice.
My knees gave out on me. Hinata gasps and I hear her feet pad towards me. Her arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me close to her chest. Her warmth is radiating and tries to break through my icy exterior.
It can't.
I don't think anything can.
She feels so alive, something I have been longing for. I envy a lot about her. She can forgive easily. I lack the ability to accomplish that. She can let go of anything and be fine. I will always be burdened by my past and wary of the future.
For some reason, I start to tear up. "It's okay Sakura."
No it's not.
It never will be.
I push her away and collect myself.
Everything in me wants to make peace with her, but something is holding me back. I want to be able to tell her everything, but I can't. I shouldn't bother sharing my troubles with others. She wouldn't understand; I don't even understand.
She can't ease this feeling I have.
I'm convinced that she'll only make the pain worse.
XoXoX
The interior of the compound was silent for several hours. Almost everyone was outside for Tenten's funeral. I stayed in my bed, thinking about how it would feel to watch someone you once cared about be buried. It further drives in the point that you will never have the luxury of being in their presence.
The fact that anyone wants to go through that, is beyond me.
When it was over, the overall mood seemed to be uplifted. One wouldn't know that a funeral had just occurred based on the current surroundings. They weren't laughing boisterously, but there were lighthearted chuckles.
Almost as if they have healed.
They have accepted Tenten's fate a lot quicker than I had thought. Conversely, here I am still dwelling on the matter. I pull myself up into a sitting position and stare at the door. The debate of walking out of it or staying was in favor of the former.
Being here wasn't going to make me feel any better. Perhaps a walk will help clear my mind.
I wasn't being mindful of my steps, yet I knew where I was headed to. I didn't want to go to her grave, but I felt compelled to. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this situation, but if it helps put all this behind me, then I'll do it.
It was raining heavily, a sign of the earth weeping at the burial of another innocent soul. My bare feet sunk into the grass, leaving a trail as I walked. There was something surreal about being here. Until recently, I never thought about burying her. She was strong and could endure anything.
I got down on my knees and touched the cold marble. I wasn't sure if I was involuntarily crying or if it was just rain falling down my face. I wanted to say something, but it would be pointless because she wouldn't hear me.
I was silently waiting for the heavy weight that I have been carrying to go away.
This was going to be harder than I thought.
When I heard soft footsteps, I turned around and was shocked at who I saw.
He glances at me before staring at the name engraved in stone. "It's never easy to say goodbye to someone you care about. It's almost impossible to accept. You desperately want to keep them alive, despite the obvious signs that it is time to let go. Yet, you made the choice look easy."
It was easy at the time, but now...I feel terrible and it makes it hard for me to get anything done.
"When my mother was dying due to liver failure, I thought that I could save her. I don't remember how many transplants and transfusions I went through before I finally sustained her. Even though I knew she was in a vegetative state, I didn't care. I was just glad that she was kind of alive. I let her suffer for three weeks before I realized that keeping her on life support wasn't fair to her."
He paused when lightning struck a tree in the distance.
"I struggled with the decision for hours, and finally settled with the fact that I couldn't do it. Luckily there was a thunderstorm that night that knocked out the power. It relieved so much of the pressure, but did nothing to quell the guilt."
I looked up into his amber eyes. The pressure he felt then, is most likely the pressure that I'm feeling now. I already pulled the plug, so it should be gone.
But it's not.
"There is no right or wrong way of handling the situation. Either way she would have died. It's just a matter of wanting to accept it."
"It doesn't matter because the principle is still the same. I've handed people death sentences with a cruel indifference, she should be no exception to this. She's just another person that was fated to die at my hands."
He laughs. "I have heard stories of your warped perception on life, but I never thought they were true." He looks toward the sky. "It's okay to feel remorse for something you had to do. It's part of the growing process."
"I feel like it's weighing me down."
"That's from all the unnecessary baggage that you carry. You need to come to terms with everything that has happened in your life." He starts to leave. "It'll make things a lot easier."
A small ray of sunshine broke out from the thick clouds.
Perhaps he's right. I can never forget all that has happened, but I'm sure that maybe one day, I'll be able to forgive. I wonder what it will be like to walk around, free of all types of restraints. It will probably be worth it.
"Orochimaru-sama?"
He turns his head.
"Thank you."