Chapter ten
Adam sighed as he hovered in the bedroom doorway looking at Kono lying curled in the duvet, her hollow eyes open and staring into space not even registering his presence. He was worried about her, really worried but she had closed up so much he couldn't get through to her. Not that Kono was ever very open she was incredibly stubborn and independent but with Adam it was normally different. Adam had watched Kono become a shell of herself ever since her mum had died a month ago. Kono had been devastated at the news and she beat herself up every day that she hadn't made it to the hospital in time to say goodbye…she had been surfing, away from her phone. At first she cried and cried until after the funeral. She then threw herself into work despite everyone telling her to take some time where she eventually collapsed at a scene, she was ordered to take a leave of absence which led her to become depressed and closed off. She sat at home every day barley talking or eating and snapping at Adam or anyone who dared visit her for no apparent reason.
"Baby do you want some dinner?" Adam asked softly as he bent down next to the bed.
She avoided his gaze, kept her eyes focused on the ground just past him; she barley flinched at his voice. He sighed; she had been in the same position since he left for work that morning. Normally he would find her curled in another position or occasionally on the couch. He knew it meant she hadn't eaten anything, and he began to wander if she had even moved to use the bathroom. He noted he glass on the side table; she had drunk half of it.
"Kono have you been to the bathroom today?"
She didn't move for a few seconds before her eyes turned cold and she looked up at him, only her eyes moving.
"I'm not a child" She bit through gritted teeth as she looked back to the floor.
Adam sighed and pulled the covers back suddenly, revealing Kono's lithe frame her knees pulled tight to her chest, her clothes and the bed sheet evidently wet.
"DON'T!" She snapped suddenly.
"Kono you've wet yourself!"
"I haven't!" She denied as she pulled the duvet back over herself covering her face and avoiding Adam's gaze again.
"Baby please, let me help you shower" Adam begged.
Kono tried to cover her face as tears slowly rolled down her grey cheeks. Adam sighed; she was at least showing an emotion. He gently pulled her into a sitting position before standing her on shaky legs. She didn't look at him; she stared at the ground as he led her to the bathroom.
"You need to shower" Adam whispered softly.
She didn't respond but Adam removed her clothes and turned on the shower before lifting her under the water. She just stood there staring, her eyes glassy and glossed over as Adam washed her hair and body gently.
"You ready to get out?" He asked softly.
She didn't respond not that Adam expected her to; he took her hand and helped her out. Adam sat her on the toilet hoping she would go, she did easily as though he weren't in the room and she had all the privacy. Adam realised that she didn't even know he was there, or she was blocking him out. She would always kick him out the bathroom if she had to pee, or at least make him turn around. He dressed her and led her to the bedroom.
"Go sit in the living room, I'll re-make the bed"
When Adam was done he found Kono curled up on the couch, no TV, no radio…silence.
"Kono will you eat if I make you food?"
Adam sighed at the silence and went to the kitchen quickly making an omelette and bringing it back out to Kono.
"Here"
Kono looked at the offered plate before looking away again.
"Kono you need to eat!"
"…"
"Baby please just eat something, your worrying me"
"No"
"Kono"
"No, no!"
"Please baby" Adam begged as tears welled in his eyes.
Kono's face remained cold and hard but she took the offered plate and began eating tiny mouthfuls. Adam sighed and stat next to her, his hand gently resting on her thigh hoping she would understand that he was always there for her.
Adam sat adjacent to Ke'ano Kalakaua, a cup of coffee in his hands as he spoke to his father in law, hoping to find something to help Kono.
"She's just so closed off, it's like she's not even their anymore" Adam sighed sadly.
"They were so close Adam, it broke Kono when her mother had the aneurysm she never grieved for that, she stayed strong for me and her mum, tried to find the positives losing her mother all together I think it's too much for her"
"It's not like her; I don't know how to help her"
"My Kono's a fighter Adam and she loves you, please stand by her"
"Gosh of course I will, I love her Ke'ano I would never leave her but I just don't know what to do anymore. She lies in bed all day, hardly speaks to me unless I lose my temper…I don't want to shout at her but she just looks past me. She doesn't eat; I'm scared she will be in hospital if she doesn't start eating"
"Has Chin tried talking to her?"
"Yes…she just cried, she wouldn't say anything she just sobbed then locked herself in the bathroom for hours"
"Maybe she needs help…serious help"
"I don't know how to even approach that topic"
"Keep trying…we all need to keep trying, she is tough this is just hard for her, for everyone. She will pull through; she just needs all our support"
"She keeps looking at a photo of Nani, just sits and stares at it at night"
"Kono looked up to her mother, Nani taught her so much" Ke'ano explained his own voice breaking.
"Nani was an amazing woman, everything Kono ever told me about her was so inspiring, she really made Kono the strong women she is today"
"She really did, she loved her little girl"
Adam returned home that evening to the usual silence. A few months prior and he would return home to the sound of music as Kono danced around, her infectious laugh filling the room and making him grin not matter how bad his day was. He dropped his keys on the counter and shrugged off his blazer. He then heard the sound off running water fill the silent house, almost splashing harshly. The hair's on his neck standing up and sending a chill down his spine. He ran to the bedroom, the duvet pulled back and the bed empty. Steam penetrated the bedroom from the En-suit bathroom. Adam turned the door handle desperately…
It will be easier, I can't deal with it, I need to see you again mum. I never got to say goodbye to you, I never got to tell you how much a loved you. The pain is just too much, this is easier…I need to say goodbye…Adam will be mad, he gets mad at me…but I can't talk…it's too hard to talk, I just need you I need to touch you again and I need you to hold me, hold me in your arms like you did when I was small, I need my mum, I need you, It hurts so much without you…
Adam gasped at the sight before him, his chest constricting and he found himself struggling to find air. Kono lay in the overfilled bath, still in her pyjama's, her hand forcing pills into her mouth as she tried to swallow them all and pull herself under the water. Adam lurched towards Kono and grabbed her under the arms dragging her out of the water and pulling her into his arms. Her patted her back as she coughed, and her opened her mouth telling her to spit out the pills. He put his own fingers in her mouth and helped her spit them all out before pulling her close to his chest rocking her as she sobbed and broke down, her eyes looking to him desperately seeking his love and comfort as she grasped his shirt tight.
"Sssshhh you're okay baby"
*cries*
Adam continued to rock her like a small child, her face grey and lifeless and her eyes tired. He lifted her gently and easily into his arms, he walked her to the car and placed her in the front seat with no resistance. He drove her straight to the hospital, silence filling the space between them as she sobbed and didn't fight him.
Adam held Kono's hand as he led her back into their house after seventy two hours in the hospital. Kono was looking healthier but was still really quiet. She wasn't allowed back to work until a therapist signed her off and her silence concerned the team and Adam.
"Do you want anything?" Adam asked softly as Kono sat on the couch
"Some water?"
Adam smiled, at least she asked for something. He grabbed her a glass of water and joined her on the couch, keeping a distance from her scared he would upset her if he tried to smother her. Kono didn't miss the distance Adam placed between them. She knew she had fucked up but despite keeping her own distance from everyone around her for the last month, she had always known that Adam was there for her, but now he seemed distant, like he didn't want to be close to her. She had been keeping quiet since being in hospital, accepting everyone's words of comfort but choosing not to devour too much. She wanted to talk to Adam, she trusted him and felt safe in his arms but since he was being distant she doubted being able to talk to him.
"Erm…how you feeling? Adam asked awkwardly.
"Okay"
Adam smiled and turned to the TV, the distance between the two growing as Kono curled further into herself.
Kono lay in bed staring at the ceiling the distance between her and Adam there once more. Adam lay with his back to Kono his own eyes open his heart racing as he worried about her. Kono could feel the tears stinging her eyes, she had bottled everything up for so long, she needed to talk to Adam but she thought she had ruined things. She started to think he was still there out of sympathy for her.
"I'm sorry" Kono mumbled tearfully.
"What?" Adam questioned as he turned over.
"Shall I go?" Kono asked softly as she sat up.
"Go where?"
"I don't know…I could maybe get a hotel…"
"What are you talking about?"
"You don't have to stay with me…you can be honest, I know I ruined things so I can go, maybe it's best, I understand…"
"Kono I don't want you to go anywhere" Adam stated in shock.
"But you don't want to hold me, you moved away from me on the couch…I don't blame you, it's my fault, so I can go I don't want you to think you have to stay if you don't want to"
"Baby…"
"I just need to pack a few things…" Kono began as she went to move from the bed.
Adam reached over and pulled Kono into his embrace, kissing her neck softly and pulling her face to his.
"You're not going anywhere, and neither am I"
"Do you want me to go?"
"No Kono…I didn't get to close because you've been so distant, I didn't think you would want me smothering you"
"I need you"
"What?"
"I need you Adam…I really need you right now"
"Okay, I'm here baby I'm here"
"I need to talk but I will only talk to you"
"Okay I'm listening"
"I didn't mean to do what I did…"
"But you did Kono I've never seen you like that"
"I never said goodbye"
"What?"
"I never got to say goodbye…I was surfing, I was surfing Adam I should have been there to say goodbye"
"No Kono don't do this to yourself, is this why you did this because you felt guilty…"
"I should have been there Adam! I needed to say goodbye and I didn't get to!"
"You were surfing!"
"Exactly and I didn't make it…"
"You were surfing!"
"I know!"
Adam sighed and grabbed Kono's face in his hands.
"You were doing what you loved, what your mother loved and taught you…Kono she would be proud of you, she would want you to be doing what you both loved so much, that's how you said goodbye, you surfed for her baby"
Kono said crying clinging to Adam's chest, accepting what he was saying.
"I miss her"
"I know baby, I know"
"It's my mum Adam, she's my mum…"
"It's going to be okay darling, I promise"
"I love her"
"She loves you"
"Maybe"
"She does, she loves you Kono and she's looking down on her keikei and she's protecting you"
"I nearly died"
"But you didn't"
"But…"
"I got there in time baby"
"I'm sorry"
"Ssshhh"
"I'm sorry how I've treated you"
"You needed to grieve babe, I'm here for you I'm not going anywhere and we will work through this"
"Promise"
"Promise"
I love you Keikei
Love mum