Steak and Vegans

Finn set the plate of skirt steak in front of Rachel, having marinaded the basil over it just like Kurt had told him to.

"Oh, this smells wonderful!" Rachel raised the plate to her face, smelling it with a sweet smile on her face.

"Yeah," Finn grinned in his typical goofy manner, "Kurt taught me how to make it."

Rachel bit into the meat, her eyes widening when it his her tongue, "Wow, this is great Finn! Tell Kurt I love his recipe, I'll have to get it from him... it almost tastes like real meat!"

Finn froze, fork halfway to his mouth, "Oh. Yeah. Because...you're a vegan."

"Right!" Rachel beamed, "I'm glad you know me so well! When we were first dating, you probably would have tried to feed me steak!"

Finn laughed awkwardly, "Ha. Yeah. Imagine that...uh, excuse me for a sec...I have to go...pee."

He fled the room, pulling out his phone and dialing Kurt.

"Dude," He hissed as soon as his brother picked up, "Why did you give me that steak formula?"

"You mean the skirt streak recipe?" He could hear Kurt's raised eyebrow through the phone. "Because it's delicious and you asked for an entree you could make."

"But it's steak!"

"Yes, I'm well aware," Kurt sighed, "Does this have a point? I'm out with Blaine."

"And I'm here, man. With Rachel. And steak."

"Did you burn it or something? Because my skirt steak is always exquisite, so you can't blame me."

"Rachel is a vegan, Kurt."

"...oh. Oh." Kurt giggled on the other end of the line, and Finn scowled, "It's not funny!"

"How could you forget that Rachel was a vegan? You've been dating for four months."

"It just...slipped my mind." Kurt was laughing at him again, so he hurried to continue, "What do I do?"

"Switch it before she notices?"

"She's already started eating."

"Oh dear. Well, just hope she doesn't notice, I suppose."

"Seriously? That's the best you've got?"

Kurt huffed, "She's not my girlfriend, Finn! I'm not supposed to think about these things, you are! Besides, if she does realize it's actually meat, maybe the guilt from eating animals, possibly baby animals-"

"Not baby animals," Finn moaned.

"-will drive her to insanity and force her to abrubtly end her candidacy for class president. Not that it matters, because I'll win by a landslide either way."

"Drive her to- why, why would you ever even say that, bro?" Then, in a small voice, "...you don't think that will happen, do you?"

"Unfortunately, no," another sigh from Kurt's end of the phone, "I'm going to hang up now, so just go out there and pretend it's meat substitute, okay?"

"She'll never buy it."

"Are you kidding? Rachel's so gullible I once told her that her Macy's bought purse could pass as Gucci and she bought it."

"I feel like this is a good time to mention I only understand half of what you say, like...ever."

"Gucci? Really, Finn, we've lived together for almost a year and you don't know Gucci? I'm ashamed that we're related."

"Well, we're not, really..."

"Point being, if I don't hang up now, I will find a way to eviscerate you through the phone-"

"Your large words mean nothing to me."

"-so just smile and hope for the best."

"Right," Finn didn't move.

"...go, Finn," Kurt chuckled, "Or she'll think you're pooping, right?"

"Cheesus, she probably already thinks that," Finn rushed out one final sentence, "Thanks for you're advice, bro, gotta run."

He hung up, cutting off Kurt's grumbling about idiot step brothers, and walked back to the kitchen with a huge grin.

"There you are," Rachel smiled, raising another piece of steak to her lips, "What took you?"

"Not pooping, that's for sure. Ha."

"Right..."

"So how's the, uh, vegetarian...soy...bean...fake meat stuff?"

"It tastes so real!" She told him, her eyes wide, "You'll have to tell me the brand so I can introduce it to my dads!"

"Totally," When she looked at him expectantly, he continued, "I think it's called, um, Bor...snick...el...derson's soybean fake meat. Or something like that."

"Cool," Rachel smiled her gold-star smile.

Finn smiled back, looking pained, "Cool."

a/n – So, an episode comes out where Kurt and Blaine actually canonically do it and this shit is what I write. Shoot me. In the face.