"What, you think I'm stupid?"

She paced in front of the window, swinging her arms around like a gorilla. At least he thought it was like a gorilla. That was the best animal he could think of, anyway. Well, if he had to suffer stuck in Cerberus' snare, this tattooed temptress could suffer with him. He squinted at her tats, trying to make out just what was clothes and what was ink. Shit, I'm slipping. I can't tell the difference. Is she topless, or…? Well, except for that strap-bra thing…

"This ship is going down in flames. You want to burn with it?"

"Could disable her, bring her on ship," the salarian said.

He still hadn't gotten used to the man's utter lack of pronouns or leading nouns, or nouns of any stripe. Well, except for "ship," and "her."

"We're not going to attack her." Not with weapons, anyway.

"Good move," the girl said. "Look, you want me to come with you, make it worth my while."

"Tell me what you're thinking."

Let it be what I'm thinking. I mean trying not to think, I mean… He swore he was going to follow Kasumi's dating advice, even if it killed him.

"I bet your ship's got lots of Cerberus databases. I want to look at those files, see what Cerberus has got on me. You want me on your team, let me go through those databases."

That's all you want? Sure, I'm game for exposing the Illusive Fucker's dirty ops to anyone who wants to see.

"I'll give you full access."

"You better be straight up with me."

Kasumi snickered behind him. "I bet he's straight up, all right."

"So why the hell are we standing here?"

"You're asking me? Get a move on if you're in the mood to keep living."

Oh, did Tits have some choice words for him once he told her to release the databases, and most of them involved the words "irresponsible," "loose cannon,' "unpredictable," "danger to the organization," and "overstepped your bounds." At least she had the decency to let the tattooed and warped woman leave before she launched into him with the fervor of a Jehovah's Witness. He stood and watched her jiggle as her face flushed redder than a ripe tomato. I didn't know anything could bounce like that and not fall off.

"Are you even listening to me, Shepard?"

"Of course. You're my crew, Miranda. But we're here for one thing: to defeat the Collectors. Not to promote Cerberus, not to keep its secrets safe. If this'll get Jack to calm down and help us, then I'll release every goddamned database on this ship. And I'll get someone to hack the Illusive Fu—Man's databases if she wants me to."

"Dangerous, Shepard. Just remember who you're working for."

"And who tried to kill me. More than once. Dismissed, Miranda."

"Shepard, I won't let you endanger Cerberus in your quest for revenge."

"That's nice. Dismissed."

Her ass twitched angrily as she left, and he watched it rotate in that tight, tight leather suit. Nice. Very nice. I wonder if Jack's pants hug her like that back there…

Kelly more than made up for Miranda's little lecture. "She approaches sex casually."

"Really?" Score!

"She may come on to you, but she doesn't really know what she wants."

"Well, if she wants that…"

"You don't really want to do that, do you, Shepard?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint…"

"Shepard, she's not right in the head. She's a criminal, and a dangerous woman."

"Don't worry—I'll protect you if I piss her off."

"Thanks. Thanks a lot. Just warn me if you do. I want to hide. Off the ship, and somewhere far, far away."

"Ever think of taking a vacation, Kelly? I hear Thessia has some top-notch beaches, and you'd be adorable in a little, tiny…"

"Shepard, get your hind end down to Engineering!" He hadn't even heard Garrus approach. "Jack's threatening to take out the entire ship if you don't get her those databases right now."

Shame she doesn't approach reading as casually. Oh well.