Wife ∙ Sun Xian ∙ AD 223
It is when I have no more tears left to shed tonight that I realise that, for the first time since the death of our son, my husband has not come to take my hand at night and coax me into bed.
Yan'er, our bonny son, succumbed two weeks ago from illness. After crying myself to sleep for numerous days, I thought that I had begun to come to terms with Yan'er's departure, but today, on what would have been Yan'er's fifth birthday, I could not stop the tears from brimming again.
'Yan'er would not wish you to grieve so over him,' Boyan attempted to comfort me as I wept uncontrollably.
'Perhaps you have accepted Yan'er's death,' I replied bitingly, glaring at the dry face of my husband, 'but I have not. Please leave me to grieve on my own.'
Observing the level of the oil in the lamp, I realise how late it is. Where is Boyan? Not finding him in the study, I walk out to the garden, the place that is richest in memories of our son. Boyan sits beneath Yan'er's favourite maple tree, fiddling absently with the wooden sword that was Yan'er's fourth birthday present. Walking closer, I hear him composing a poem extemporarily:
'Dost thou recall the promises I made thee
To teach thee to read, to write and to fight?
Now swift and callously the earth has claimed thee
To its cold embrace, away from my sight.
The storm stripped the leaves off this maple the day
The dream of a youth perspicacious was lost.
No more shall it rustle with laughter so gay.
Go peacefully, child! thou untouched by the frost.'
Oh, how could I imagine that Boyan grieves less deeply than I over Yan'er's death? He just does not allow himself to show it, because he must be strong, both for our family as well as for the country.
'Zishu, I'm afraid,' Boyan confesses to me in his tent at Xiaoting. I am visiting his camp in the guise of 'Kan Ze's nephew'. 'What if Liu Bei attacks from both water and land, and does not move to the wooded regions, contrary to what I predicted? The generals will be right that it will be too late to defeat him.'
I squeeze Boyan's hands in reassurance. 'Boyan, you've never been mistaken in your judgement of military tactics.'
Boyan smiles weakly. 'Nevertheless, it is the future of Wu I am gambling with.'
To the people of Wu, my husband is an infallible pillar of strength, a hero with no fear. Only I, his wife, can see his doubts and fears and sorrows; only I can share them with him.
'Zishu, we shall have other children in future,' Boyan says as I sit by his side and rest my head upon his shoulder.
'And you shall teach them to read and to write, to play and to fight,' I reply.
Tonight, it is I who leads him back into our bedchamber.