"ATTEN-TION!" Captain Cooper yelled and everyone on deck lined up in two rows facing the wheel. "You have been appraised of the situation. We only take what we need, with minimal casualties if possible. Defend yourselves, but do not attack unprovoked. If they surrender, let them. Fresh water is our main goal, but leave them enough to make it to port safely. Any valuables you think you cannot live without are up to you, but once we get the water, we retreat. If your greed overcomes you, I will not wait for you. Are we clear?"

A resounding "Aye, Captain!" rang throughout the ship.

"To your stations, then, men! Ready the grapples and planks, but stay out of sight until the ship is within distance. Mr. Hofstadter, be ready to raise the colors when we board."

All the excitement was rubbing off on Penny and she felt herself smiling in spite of her misgivings. They'll leave the other ship with enough to live on and just take what they need, no big deal. As long as no one fights back, no one gets hurt.

Having donned a bright read wide-brimmed hat, Sheldon steered them toward the other ship and Leonard put their white flag on the line. The other sailors stayed hidden, except for the few that pulled on the rigging to change the sails' directions slightly to favor the wind. She decided she'd stay out of sight and out of the way for the most part, but she wasn't going to sit on her ass and do nothing if it looked like she could help.

When she could see the ship nearing, Leonard raised the white flag to just over half-mast and readied their pirate colors, a red sword through a white skull on a black background. Simple and elegant.

When they were board-and-board, Sheldon yelled "NOW!" Action erupted on deck as the pirates rushed to complete their tasks. Penny ducked behind a barrel and watched. From the other ship she heard someone yell "Pirates!"

Captain Cooper was the first to cross over, with about half the crew following him. His bright red hat immediately identified him as the captain and the sailors cowered when he drew his sword.

"Attention sailors!" he shouted. "No harm will come to you if you surrender peacefully. We will only take as much as we require. On my honor as Captain of the Enterprise, you will have enough provisions to make it to port, but if you follow us I will not hesitate to blow you out of the water!"

Penny heard murmuring from her spot behind the barrel and peeked over the edge to see.

Sheldon and Thompson had their swords drawn and pointed at what looked like the captain and his first mate, while the other six pirates searched the ship for supplies.

When the pirates were below deck, a single sailor, hidden behind a barrel much as Penny was, snuck out with a dagger and held a finger to his lips to quiet the crewmembers who saw him.

He was trying to sneak up on Sheldon!

Penny slipped off her flip flops and picked up her lasso. If her Sheldon could see her now, he'd say she was the embodiment of Wonder Woman wielding her Lasso of Truth, or something nerdy like that.

Silently, she ran to the railing and jumped up onto the gangplank, deliberately not thinking of the ocean beneath her. When she reached the other ship's rail the sailor saw her shadow and turned. Penny threw her lasso around the sailor's neck and pulled tight before he could get his hands up, causing him to fall forward. She was careful not to suffocate him or break his neck. She jumped down and used the rope to drag him slowly toward her.

"Only cowards sneak up on people," she said before she kicked him onto his back and hogtied him in ten seconds flat. "I could keep you like this and tie a string around your balls. They'd fall off after about a month." The sailor started crying and the men within earshot cringed. Penny nodded and took her foot off his chest but kept a tight hold on the rope.

"We good, Cap?" she asked Sheldon. He nodded without taking his eyes of the other ship's captain.

The pirates made short order of the supplies and were back on the Enterprise without further incident.

A/N: So I realized I've been referencing a lot of things (and I will continue to in the future) but I hadn't specified where this story fits. Turns out, it fits right after The Staircase Implementation and before The Lunar Excitation. So Bernadette, but no Amy. Just, y'know, if you wanted to know.

And I figured I'd upload a chapter ever time I finish writing another one.