This is my first parody done from scratch, with no draft from high school to refer to.
Enjoy!
SPOOF TREK: FROGGER
"Ex-Lax"
(Spoofing "Parallax," Season 1)
Summary: B'Zooka Tourguide punches Lt. Jim Carrey in the nose. Other things happen too, but that's the only part any of us will remember seven years later.
Captain Myway(V.O.): Captain's log, star date 5432.2345. Yesterday, my ship was dragged into the Dipwad Quadrant by the Banjo Man, and today, both the Star Freak and Mosquito crews are attempting to integrate. [Pause] I think it's going well.
SICKBAY:
Lt. Jim Carrey: …Just keep that freaky Clingon lady away from my engine room!
[The Doctor is treating Lt. Jim Carrey, whose nose is gushing blood. Commander Chevrolet observes.]
Chevrolet: How hard did she punch you?
[Carrey and the Doctor turn towards the wall, and Chevrolet follows their gaze. There is a huge hole shaped like Lt. Carrey….in that wall, in the next wall, and the next and the next, all the way to Engineering.]
Chevrolet: [Rubbing his temple.] So what happened?
Carrey: Well Tourgide thought she knew more about engineering than I did. So I kinda started dancing around the warp core, and being all like, "Riddle me this: if there's a warp core breach in ten seconds and the com. system is down, what do you do?" just to, you know, test if she really knew what she was talking about. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with blood pouring down my face….fifteen rooms away.
The Doctor: Keep this ice-pack on your nosecone, and take this orange soda. [Hands Lt. Carrey a can of Sunkiss.]
Chevrolet: I'll have a word with Tourgide.
[He steps out of sickbay, and runs into two Mosquito crewmen, Salsa and Hulk Hogan. Salsa is a brunette woman in a green Star Freak uniform, with Cargassian scales on her neck and ears, and a smiley-face mask covering her face. Hogan is a muscular man in a yellow uniform, with a blue bandana and a blonde mullet and mustache.]
Salsa: Commander! We heard that B'Zooka punched Lt. Carrey. And now everyone's saying that B'Zooka's going to be publicly hanged from the warp core for treason, all the Mosquitos are going to be confined to the Box when off-duty!
Chevrolet: [Sigh.] As first officer, I should probably ask where you heard that ridiculous rumor, just to make sure that there's no spy onboard who hates being bound by Star Freak protocols, and who's trying to manipulate the crew's emotions so they'll want to rebel against the authorities. BUT, I'm too tired to deal with any of that right now, so I'll just pretend I didn't think of it.
Hogan: …Huh?
Salsa: We just want you to know, we're ready to back you.
Chevrolet: Back me?
Hogan: If you wanna take the ship! [Pounds fist into his palm.]
Chevrolet: If I hear either of you talk that way again, I'll personally throw you into the Box for mutiny! I am finished with rebelling against authority! From this moment forth, for the rest of this series, I am Captain Myway's most obedient officer!
[Chevrolet walks away, leaving Hogan and Salsa looking shocked. Well, Hogan looks shocked. We can't see Salsa's expression behind her smiley face mask; but we do see her jump back a little, as if startled.]
B'ZOOKA TOURGIDE'S QUARTERS:
[B'Zooka Tourguide paces around, seething. Cardboard boxes line the walls; she's not done unpacking for her new quarters. When Chevrolet opens the door, she grabs a heavy box and throws it at him. He dodges it, not too surprised.]
Chevrolet: B'Zooka, I want you to apologize to Lt. Carrey—
B'Zooka: Lt. Carrey is an IDIOT! He can't give one order to the Engineering team without throwing in some stupid impression of the Grinch or the Riddler—
Chevrolet: [Sternly] —not just a polite apology, a personal one! Over a hot bowl of tribble-soup! You just might need support from idiots like him, if you're going to be Chief Engineer of this ship!
B'Zooka: Pfft, right. Chevrolet, I can't tell if you're joking, or if you've been smoking your little peace pipe again.
Chevrolet: Neither. Although I might need a puff or two to calm my nerves, before I tell the captain that I want you to be her Chief Engineer!
B'Zooka: [Taken aback] But, but Carrey's next in line,
Chevrolet: You're a better engineer than he is. And a far more interesting character. I'll be damned if I'm going to see a half-Clingon, ex-Mosquito engineering-wiz like you play recurring-crewmen while some bland Star Freak goodie-goodie like him gets a regular role on this series! So fix your behavior! [Leaves.]
THE READY-TO-START-THIS-SERIES ROOM:
[Captain Myway, Chevrolet, Tuvacca, Tim Parsnip, and Fairly Dim are the only ones sitting around the table, for this first meeting.]
Captain Myway: Let's get down to business. First off, let's get the old "Lord of the Rings" joke out of the way. This is the first of probably hundreds of times we'll be sitting around this long table talking dramatically; no one's even said "the ring must be destroyed!" yet, and the joke's already old. So let's just get it over with. Would anyone care? Mr. Parsnip?
Tim Parsnip: Hmm? Oh, sure! [Clears throat] The ring—wait no! I think Tuvacca should do Elrond's line, he's got the ears and the composure! Let me be that other guy, who's like, "One does not simply walk into Morridor,"
[Suddenly, Cakemix and Keish come rushing in. Keish is dressed in a colorful Tinkerbell dress, with jingly bells dangling from the skirt. Cakemix has an apron that says "Kiss the Cook!"]
Cakemix: …And mesa can be the rugged ranger king, with is beautiful elf princess lover! [Keish beams; the rest of the room stares at Cakemix, unconvinced about the first part.] Sorry wesa late, but no one informed us there was a meeting.
Myway: Cakemix, the Senior Staff meetings are for Regular Characters only. And while I've accepted you and Keish aboard my ship, but I'm not about to force the audience to endure either of you every single week.
[Cakemix begins that annoying squeaky laugh of his, in a soft cackle that's actually kind of creepy. Next to him, Keish smiles slowly.]
Cakemix: The studio thinks ooootherwiiiiise….
[He hands Myway a packet, labeled "CAST." Myway reads, her eyes widening with horror. Tuvacca and Chevrolet read over her shoulder.]
Tuvacca: It would seem that the powers-that-be intend for Mr. Cakemix to be our show's "alien hustler," our equivalent of Corkscrew, from "Freak Space Nine." [Everyone looks at Cakemix, VERY unconvinced.] And we must keep Keish so that we have at least three female regulars, for political correctness.
Fairly Dim: Political correctness? They're concerned about being politically correct to women, so they write in a flower-picking nurse in a miniskirt, in love with a way-older guy who treats her like crap? Why don't they give her floppy pink bow and a rolling pin, while they're at it?
Chevrolet: I don't understand it either. They've got seven good, original characters already. Do they really need to shoehorn in a Corkscrew-rip-off and a Counselor Trite rip-off?
[Neither Cakemix nor Keish reacts react to these comments. They just stand there, grinning expectedly.]
Myway: Might as well admit defeat. Go ahead Cakemix, Keish. Have a seat. Hmm, there don't seem to be enough chairs…
Tim Parsnip: Here you go, Miss. [Stands and offers his seat to Keish.]
Cakemix: Yousa hittin' on MY girl? I'LL KILL YOU! [Starts to strangle a surprised Tim, while Keish watches, looking slightly worried.]
Myway: [Pops some aspirin and washes it down with coffee.] We still need a doctor, or at least a nurse. Ah—no, no, Keish, [Keish has raised her hand] According to this bible here, [Smacks the "CAST" booklet Cakemix gave her] the powers-that-be want to spread the job-assignments out a little. This episode is for B'Zooka becoming Chief Engineer; next week, they'll let you prove yourself as nurse. [Keish puts her hand down.] Lt. Parsnip, you studied biochemistry at Star Freak academy, didn't you?
Tim Parsnip: [Finally manages to get Cakemix with a 3-Stooges eye-poke, and breaks free of his grasp] Yeah, so? That's not even remotely like taking care of the sick and wounded! What about all those science-department green-shirts? They must know far more about the humanoid body than I do! Or if not them, one of the Mosquitos; they must be used to nursing injuries on a regular basis—
Myway: We need a doctor for when the ship's in a crisis. Parsnip, what happens to nameless greenshirts or redshirts or yellowshirts during a crisis?
Tim Parsnip: …Right. [Looks defeated.]
Myway: It's only until next week, when Keish gets her episode. So now, we need to worry about chief engineer, and some other positions.
Chevrolet: Here's a list of Mosquito crewmen who I think would make good characters. [Hands her a PAD]
Myway: [Reading] Hmm…Chip, a Bowlian; a blue crewman popping up now and again would be cool, yeah…...Hogan for the Engineering team? Well, I guess it'd be useful to have someone who can literally punch things back into place… and…B'Zooka Tourguide for Chief Engineer? Wasn't she involved in that incident with Lt. Carrey?
Chevrolet: [Nervously takes a deep whiff from his peace pipe, then stows it back under the table.] Yes. Yes she was.
Myway: [Quietly] ….Anger management problems?
Chevrolet: Hoh yes. Her mother was a Clingon—and she's very conflicted about that. Probably filled to the brim with angst and flashbacks. In addition to a talent for ass-kicking, of course. But anyway, she's the best engineer I've ever known, which is why I've recommended her.
[As he's been talking, a smile has been spreading across Myway's face, like the Grinch, as she imagines all of the juicy episodes they can wring out of B'Zooka Tourgide.]
Myway: Well, I'll just have a word with Lt. Tourgide!
SICKBAY:
[Keish walks in, and The Doctor appears.]
The Doctor: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Keish: [Holds up Chevrolet's peace pipe] Hello The Doctor! Commander Chevrolet let me have a puff of this Earth instrument, and I felt so free…like my mental powers could go anywhere….and that gave me an idea; I could prepare a gardening bay for the ship, filled with plants like this! We just need some soil to grow it in. Can you replicate some?
The Doctor: Who told you to ask a medical program to operate the replicator for you? If going up to a replicator and saying, "Computer, three cups of soil please!" is too complicated for you, couldn't someone else on the ship do it for you?
Keish: …You're very grumpy, aren't you The Doctor. You certainly don't seem very happy. But maybe that's just because you're secretly bashful. In any case, I'm sure you're a great doc, and you could help anyone who was, I don't know, sneezy. And you're a hologram, so of course you never get sleepy, but your social skills might be a bit dopey…
The Doctor: What.
Keish: My point is, I think we'll make great friends! I could help you out here in sickbay, and sing songs about my true love, as I teach you how to treat people nicely and keep your sickbay clean! We can whistle while we wooork… [Birds whistle the song with her, as she dances and twirls her way towards the door.] Oh by the way The Doctor, I think you're shrinking.
[She is right; the Doctor is now a head shorter than her.]
The Doctor: ….Thank you….Please remember to turn off the program….
Kesih: Computer, deactivate Emergency Regular Character. [Doors shut behind her and her birds.]
The Doctor: There, was that hard? Now why should replicating some soi— [Vanishes]
BRIDGE:
Tim Parsnip: Oh look, a singularity! A black hole that sucks in and destroys everything in its path! Who wants to bet me five bucks I can't do a wheelie around this thing without falling in? Anyone?
Myway: There will be no gambling on my ship, Mr. Parsnip! We have to investigate every space anomaly we encounter, if there's a chance it may provide a way home or a smashing episode. So you'll do those wheelies for free!
Tim Parsnip: Aye Sir—[Gets a disapproving look from Myway] Ma'am— [Another disapproving look] Goddess of the Power Bun? [Look of approval.]
Keish: What's a singularity, Cakemix?
Myway: [To Chevrolet] What the hell are Tinkerbell and the kitchen rodent doing on my bridge?
Chevrolet: [Shrugs, playing "Kingdom Hearts" on the little computer by his chair.]
Cakemix: A singularity is a star, that has collapsed in on itself. Why, mesa almost got caught in a black hole once, on a particularly dangerous mission—
Keish: A star! I know what that is! When you wiiiish upon a staaaar—
[Myway rubs her forehead, while the rest of the bridge cringes painfully.]
Tim Parsnip: Is that a ship in that black hole, out there?
[A jingly sound comes from Fairly Dim's consol, like a '90s computer getting an email]
Fairly Dim: Captain we've got mail but…I can't open it! I'll try reversing the polarity…okay I think I've got…oh no… "Windows is loading"…
Myway: Try "Control, Alt, Delete," Ensign.
Dim: ….No effect!
Myway: I'm going to try sending a message to that other ship. Open a channel. [He does] Alien vessel, this is Captain Kathryn Myway of the Federation starship Frogger. Do you need help?
Farily Dim: They're not responding. But I've got the email opened! Here it is:
Email: Alien vessel, this is Captain Kathryn Myway of the Federation starship Frogger. Do you need help?
[Everyone stares at each other in confusion.]
ENGINEERING:
Lt. Jim Carrey: Hey, Clingon lady, I'm s'posed to tell you that there's a meeting in the Almost-Ready Room, or the Ready-Bluey-Greeny Room, or something weird. Anyway, you and me are both going, 'cuz I guess we're the two runners up for Chief Engineer. Just remember that I'm the Star Freak officer here, and you are the convicted crook. So don't say anything smart unless you're spoken to, got that?
B'Zooka Tourguide: All right. Thanks for the advice, I guess.
Jim Carrey: Okay, so just to make sure, [Leaps up onto the railing around the warpcore, twirling a ?-shaped cane] Riddle me this! If no one has spoken to you during the meeting, what do you do?
[B'Zooka raises her fist to punch him again, but his held back by Hulk Hogan and Vulcan Ensign Forklift. Carrey winds up slipping and falling backwards to the floor, anyway.]
THE BREAKFAST-IS-READY ROOM:
[All of the Regular characters are around the table, plus Carrey, but minus The Doctor because he's stuck in sickbay, and minus Telephone Line because she isn't on the show yet.]
Myway: So apparently, that ship we thought was an alien vessel distress was in distress, but it wasn't alien; it was us, five minutes into the future! A time-delayed reflection, if you will!
Tim Parsnip: Wait, wait, wait; so, we were cruising along at Warp 6, when we found a ship in distress. But now you're saying, that ship was a reflection of ourselves, from the future. And that signal we got from them was the greeting you sent out, only you hadn't sent it yet. I think I speak for the whole audience when I say…dude, waaat?
[A screen on the wall turns on, showing the Doctor. He looks…flattened.]
The Doctor: Sorry to interrupt, but I'm shrinking. I'm now only four feet tall. I'd like someone to fix me before I wink out of existence, please.
Lt. Jim Carrey: Can I make a midget joke right now? Or would that be, like, racist or something?
Myway: The only bigotry we tolerate in Star Freak is that against holograms, Mr. Carrey. So no, no midget jokes. But we can rudely hang up on him. [Turns off the wall screen.]
Carrey: [Impressed] Oooh!
Myway: All right, now it's time for what I like to call… "Sudden Death!" Carry, Tourguide, I want each of you to answer….How the hell do we get out of this black hole?
Carrey: [Flipping through a Star Freak Handbook] We could, like, uh, make first contact with the black hole, and like, reverse the polarity, in accordance with Star Freak policy.
B'Zooka: We could rip the black hole a new one, literally, by emitting a Butt-Pull Beam from a shuttlecraft. Then Flyboy here can take us out at maximum warp. [Thumbs to Tim Parsnip.]
Myway: That's my girl! Let's get a shuttle, Tourguide.
Tim Parsnip: You'll need the best pilot to help you with that!
Myway: No, Tim. It's too early for you to start trying to impress B'Zooka. Bicker and argue for a couple seasons until the fans want you together, then make your move. B'Zooka and I will take the shuttle out alone. In the meantime, you can hit on some obvious babes, to establish your character as a womanizing flyboy.
[Tim looks around for an "obvious babe." His eyes land, inadvertently, on Keish, and Cakemix lunges at him again. No one reacts.]
SHUTTLE CRAFT:
B'Zooka Tourguide: Captain, I respect Chevrolet, but he's wrong. I can't be your show's chief engineer. The truth is, I quit Star Freak academy because everyone said I was just a rip-off of Commander Wart and Ensign Schmo from "Next Generation." And they're right.
Myway: But Tourguide, Wart and Schmo were among the best characters on "TNG"! Being their rip-off is high praise! Besides, plenty of good characters are direct rip-offs of previous ones…but it's a rare great character who's a rip-off of two very different ones. A combination like that makes for something new and interesting! Professor Chapstick said in his records that if you ever re-applied for Star Freak academy, he would support you.
B'Zooka: What? Professor Chapstick hated me! I fought with him every day!
Myway: Some professors like troubled delinquents. They can spice up a classroom…or a TV series. [Smiles.]
B'Zooka: [Filled with hope] Emitting the Butt-Pull beam!
[They emit the Butt-Pull Beam, and a hole is opened up in the black hole. They then return to Frogger…only to find that there are two identical ships next to each other!]
B'Zooka: Oh no, one of these is a time-delayed reflection.
Myway: According to this TV guide, we only have five minutes left of the episode!
B'Zooka: That means we only have time to guess once to get the right ship! It must be the one pointed towards the exit…
Myway: No! It's the other ship! I can feel it in my bun!
[They fly to the ship, and it's the right one. Then Frogger flies out of the black hole, to freedom. And there is much rejoicing.]
SICKBAY:
The Doctor: [The size of a Ken Doll] Is anyone ever going to fix my program?
Tim Parsnip: You know doc, right now I've only got… [Counts on his fingers] Chevrolet, B'Zooka, all the Mosquitos, Cakemix, my own dad….five sworn rivals in my life, at the moment. I could use one more. So don't take it personally if I insult you. [Folds arms.] I think I like you better this way!
The Doctor: [Disapproving stare.]
ENGINEERING:
Lt. B'Zooka Tourguide: [Shouting]All right you tribble-brained termites, get to your stations! Hogan, stock up the gel packs! Salsa, run a diagnostic on something, and get a new uniform; green doesn't work for you, try yellow. Forklift, press those buttons over there! Crewman #3 and Crewman 65, go work at that station on the second level—and do it without dying for god's sake! I want all of you working, on the devil! ….Please. [They all get to work.] And Carrey…
Lt. Jim Carrey: [Unenthused] Yes…Lieutenant?
B'Zooka: I realize that you're probably more up-to-date on Star Freak protocol than I am, and I have to rely on you to keep me informed about the rules…so…[Sigh]….you can….drill me….if you want.
Carrey: [Suddenly brightens up with a smile] You can count on me Lt.! [Leaps up onto the little elevator, pulling out his ?-cane] Riddle me this! If you disagree with a superior officer, what do you do?!
B'Zooka: I ask for permission to speak freely…respectfully…and I do not punch them.
Carrey: YOU ARE CORRECT SIR! [Dancing around the second-story railing. He accidently knocks Crewman #3 over the edge, killing her.] Riddle me this! If the ship is caught between two binary suns, and reversing the polarity doesn't work….
[Above, Myway and Chevrolet watch, proudly.]
Myway: Commander, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful season.
[They walk past Crewman #65, working on a wall-panel. He presses a wrong button and is electrocuted, dying instantly. They don't notice.]
Chevrolet: Permission to speak freely, Captain?
Myway: Go ahead.
Chevrolet: If our satiation had been different, and we were on my ship instead of Frogger, and I was still wearing my rugged Mosquito outfit…would you find me sexy?
Myway: [Smiling] One nice thing about being captain, sometimes you can keep things to yourself.
THE END!