Chapter 10

It began a few days later, when Jen received the first text out of the blue.

She was irritated, more than anything, but didn't think too much about it because she was so wrapped up in her studying, and her art, and filling time before she could snatch a moment or a contact with her beautiful student. They'd not been able to see each other since the weekend and their wonderful day trip away, which was killing them both – but it was a good thing too, as it happened...

That first text was a tester, Jen thought, born out of boredom, or nosiness, or perhaps regret...but she was not interested in responding – she didn't want to give the wrong impression. So she left it unanswered.

She did the same with the second text that came the next day, and the other follow-up ones – the third and fourth which she received at the end of the week.

It wasn't in Jen's nature to be rude or stand-offish and she didn't want any unpleasantness, so on that particular evening she decided to reply and was just about to press 'send' when Diane called up to her, to where she was sitting at the desk in her room, doing some work.

"Jen? Jen? There's someone here to see you! ...Come on in then, love, it's cold outside tonight... I don't think she'll have heard if she's working hard – she gets too involved in it – so why don't you just go on up?..."

Then there were footsteps on the stairs, and a confident knock on the door.

Jen was only momentarily taken aback when the door opened; she'd been half expecting it really, but even then, she was a little perturbed as she sat looking up at her visitor, who now spoke, smiling confidently. "Hi there stranger, how've you been keeping?"

"Hi," Jen answered breezily, "fine thanks, busy as always! You?"

"Oh, fine, fine. You know me – always got lots of projects on, never really finished any... Although I have got a very interesting one on at the moment!"

"Why are you here?" Jen asked directly.

"What, you have to ask?..."

There was a pause before continuing again, deliberately changing the subject as a way of prolonging the conversation and, perhaps, to test-out Jen's responses, she thought uncomfortably.

"...Hmm. Nice room. You've got a cosy set-up here haven't you? ...Big bed..." There was another pause, heavy with meaning. "So. You still got your heart set on being a teacher? You're on your first placement now aren't you? ...I always thought you'd make an excellent teacher Jen. You're such a...passionate person..." Another pause, again heavy with meaning, this time spoken with a wry, almost regretful, smile.

Jen watched, guardedly, starting to feel even more uncomfortable, sensing that this was leading somewhere; there was some hidden agenda. She forced herself to look outwardly calm and friendly, when she repeated herself: "So...why are you here, again?"

"Oh Jen, I wanted to see you, of course. I wanted to try to – "

"We talked about this" Jen interrupted, "You know how I feel about things. That's all resolved now, you know that."

"Yes, but there's always room for – "

"No there's not" Jen interrupted again, "Not this time! It's happened too often, you've talked me round, but not now! I want something different. Anyway... everything's changed..."

"Ah, I see..." There were traces of hurt in the voice.

"How did you know I was living here?" Jen continued, a worrying reality beginning to dawn on her.

"Well, now that's an interesting story actually... May I sit down?" Another pause, and a gesture to the bed. Jen shrugged and nodded briefly. "I'm still perfecting my pen-and-ink style for life-drawing and so, on Saturday, thought I'd go and check out Gormley's statues for some help with the human form and so on..."

Jen's breath stopped. Her heart rate shot up. She felt the colour drain out of her face. But she was still determined to present an external persona of quiet, unassuming, innocent calm. "Oh, yes?" she asked lightly.

"Yes. So imagine my surprise when I saw your jeep parked-up there! I didn't realise how much I wanted to see you again until I saw that... Do you remember that night we sat out in it and – "

"Yes I remember" Jen interrupted again, reddening slightly, wanting to take charge of the conversation – and anything else remotely dangerous being flung her way. "Yes I was at the Gormleys on Saturday too. Just, you know, getting ideas and...the light was amazing wasn't it? And the shadows and everything..."

"Certainly was, but then it always was a great place to go, wasn't it?"

Jen felt she had to continue with her justification of being there, and so she added, in a light, matter-of-fact way: "I stayed all day actually. Didn't leave until late. Wanted to make the most of the setting as the light changed, and the colours..."

"Yes I know you did."

"What do you mean, you know?"

"Look, I didn't mean to Jen, I didn't mean to follow you – "

Jen froze.

" – I just wanted to see you again... Jen... talk to you, but you looked... busy... so I thought if I found out where to reach you, where you were staying, I could catch up with you another time."

"What do you mean, I looked... busy?" Jen's heart was in her mouth; she could hardly get the words out.

"Well when I first looked, you were busy sketching. You were totally absorbed in it – it was magical to watch you Jen. Always was. ...I didn't feel like I could disturb you, though I wanted to, so I got myself set up and did my own ink sketches. ...You weren't alone, were you?"

"Why – why do you ask?"

"Oh, I just wondered. It seemed like you were with someone. Looked like a student to me... but you were far off, I suppose. I just wondered, if you'd taken a class, where the other students were?"

Jen's heart was hammering now. "I was with... a friend" she admitted reluctantly.

"Oh, I see. A friend hmm? ...Well of course, that would explain the hand-holding when you were paddling in the sea, I suppose."

Jen's pulse quickened even more, as she wondered what else had been witnessed.

"So does she live round here too?"

"That's nothing to do with you, is it?" Jen answered firmly, inwardly so very, very thankful that she'd dropped Tilly off at the bus depot on the outskirts of town, where she'd easily caught a taxi ride for the last half a mile home. "Anyway," Jen continued, defensive and angry now, "since when did you become a stalker?"

"Hang on a minute!" came the indignant reply, "I've already explained why! I only wanted to know where you were staying so I could catch up with you – as friends – surely we can still be that, can't we?"

"Haven't you heard of texting?" Jen was curt, incensed.

"Yeah, but it seems you have a problem with your phone, since you don't seem to answer them! I kinda figured that'd be the case anyway... And I knew you'd get all defensive if I approached you while you were working too – cos you'd think I was spying on you or something."

" Well you were, weren't you? Spying! ...And I was about to answer you a minute ago, actually, after a very busy week... So stick to texting next time! Okay? I don't like being watched. Or followed! ...Huh, and you wonder why I'd had enough!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Guess this meeting hasn't really gone the way I thought it might, hey?"

"No," Jen paused, knowing it was important to smooth things between them again. "Look, I appreciate you making the effort, but there's really nothing more to say... Now, I'm tired and I've still got lots to do for tomorrow, so, if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you to – "

"It's fine. Fine! Okay. I'll leave you to it then. ...It's really good to see you Jen. ...The town's really pretty too – I might just stay a bit longer."

"Why? Why do you have to do that?" Jen was angry again; protective of the new life she'd begun to build for herself. "Can't you see that I'm happy now? There's nothing here for you."

"Yeah well, we'll see... Goodbye then, Jen. Look after yourself yeah?"

"Yeah, bye."

Jen's body relaxed its tight tension only when her door was closed and she heard Diane say goodbye and then the front door of the flat close too. She found she was shaking all over. Damn it! That was too bloody close! She knew she needed a drink with some sugar in it, for the shock from thinking just where that conversation could have headed – what it could have revealed...

When Diane saw Jen emerge from her room looking so pale, she was instantly worried and got up to make her a cup of tea straight away. "Did you have a nice chat with your friend, love?" she asked, a little anxious.

"Oh that wasn't a friend," Jen replied, tired now from it. Exhausted.

Diane did a double-take. "Oh love, I'm sorry, should I have not let her in?"

"No, it's fine. No problem" Jen answered lightly, smiling briefly as she spoke.

Somehow, trying to make it sound so matter-of-fact did nothing to dispel the unnerving dread that she could now feel start to lie and stretch in the pit of her stomach. "Tilly – " her inner voice called-out, panicked, saddened, lonely. God, how she wanted, needed her arms around her now...

Back upstairs, tea in hand, Jen smiled briefly to herself, in spite of everything, at finding another text on her phone – this time, a loving, caring one from Tilly telling her how special she was and how much she missed her. What am I going to do? Jen asked herself, as she replied with kisses and packed up for the night. She could feel the same old inner conflict to walk away start to creep up on her again – away from everything she cared about; in fact, the one thing she cared about most in the whole world: Tilly. ...She had to protect her. And herself. Or everything would come crashing down for both of them... Wouldn't it? ...Didn't she? She re-read Tilly's text to her again, tears in her eyes. They'd come so far with each other, shared so much. This wasn't like the last time she walked away, she knew... it would crucify them both. And she was tired of running. So. Very. Tired.

Right now, she thought to herself, what's the worst that could happen? She ran through the range of worst-case scenarios in her mind, and then imagined being without the younger student in her life ever again – because that's what would happen if she shut her out and walked away from her again, especially now, after such intense, intimate moments together... and she couldn't bear it: the thought alone made her feel pain.

In response, instinctively, she reached for her phone and texted her:

'Miss you. So very much. Want you here with me now. Right next 2 me. Curled around me 4 ever. Lets arrange smthing soon ok? But MUST b EXTRA careful, trust me, things r very tricky now. Anyway, sweet dreams. Night night ;-* xxxx'

Damn it then. She thought – now in pyjamas and clambering into bed – damn it all to hell. She read Tilly's loving reply to her text, which moved her again. Tilly wouldn't desert her, would she? Bring it on then! She thought at last, resolved, steadfast, to stay and fight for them both.

...

If only life was that simple.

But there are two in a relationship...

And there are some relationships which people think are never over...

And some which people think should never have begun...