CHAPTER 10

It was the worst Christmas Dean had ever had. He didn't want to sit down to the nice dinner his parents had made and he didn't want to spend an evening being cheerful and pretending to be happy about his presents when he really didn't care about them, all things considered.

He did his best for his family's sake; after all, he didn't want to ruin their happy day but he was desperate to call Cas and talk to him. Maybe now that he had actually broken up with Dean he'd changed his mind. Maybe there was still a chance for them. But then he thought he was wrong. If Cas wanted to be with him he would have called him already.

Dean felt like he had to do something to change the situation but he couldn't force Cas to be with him and he probably wouldn't be able to convince him to stay. He got so frustrated he clenched his fists and paced around his room. He'd never felt this helpless before.

He'd put the present for Cas in the back of his wardrobe. He couldn't stand to look at it.

Two days after Christmas, Sam came to talk to Dean who was just lying on his bed trying to decide if Mongolia was far enough to get away and different enough that he would forget about Cas.

"So, did you and Cas break up?" Sam asked and sat on the bed.

"Sort of. He broke up," Dean said.

"I'm sorry. Did he say why?"

"He's met someone who's a lot more intersting and fun and smarter than me."

"Did he say that?"

Dean sighed. "No. But he might as well have."

They were quiet for a while.

"Maybe he'll realise he's made a mistake."

"I've already been down that road, Sammy. He's not gonna change his mind."

Sam squeezed his shoulder, then left him alone. New Year's Eve was in a few days and Dean had no idea what to do. Not that he wanted to do anything. What was the point?

He called Stan and told him he wasn't going to the party at Sharon's house they'd planned on going to. When Stan asked why he decided to just tell him. Might as well get it over with. Stan said they could do something else but Dean told him to go to the party. There was no reason he should have his evening spoiled when Dean just wanted to wallow in self-pity. After a little convincing, Stan said he would go to the party but Dean just had to call and he would come over.

Dean ended up spending New Year's with his parents at home. Sam was going to a friend's house. John had heard from Mary what had happened and he tried his best to be diplomatic and didn't mention Cas. They went ouside to set off a few fireworks at midnight and Dean decided to go to bed soon after.

A few days later, Stan came by and Dean was dying to ask if Cas had been at the party. He decided not to ask, though. If he was going to live through this break up he would have to stop thinking about Cas and wondering what he was doing and who he was with. The last part hurt the most. To know that Cas was with someone else. Doing all the things he'd done with Dean.

Stan accidentally let slip that Cas had been there. He was telling Dean about an incident at the party and mentioned Cas. He immediately went quiet.

"Sorry," he said.

"It's alright," Dean said and tried a smile but it didn't feel right.

"If it eases your mind he was there alone," Stan said.

"Oh." It did ease his mind. At least a little.

When Dean started school again, the aching he'd felt at losing Cas had turned into a numb pain. He had one week of school, then he was starting a three month internship at Bobby's. He was happy about that because when he got home in the evening he was tired and he did his best to always be with people so he didn't have time to think about Cas. When he went to be he fell asleep quickly. If he felt like he wouldn't, he would stay up a little longer. He didn't want to lie there and think about what Cas was doing.

He'd put all the photos Cas had sent him on a USB drive. He didn't want to stumble upon them when he used his laptop but he wasn't quite ready to delete them yet. The bag he was going to give Cas for Christmas went to Sam instead and the panties and feather boa went in the bin.

He was very thorough in deleting all traces of Cas from his life. He'd thought about going to talk to him before he left but didn't see the point. He didn't want to know who the new guy was and he didn't want another apology. He couldn't use that for anything so he stayed away from town until he was sure Cas had gone back to San Diego.

He rekindled his friendship with Ariana who was working at the beauty counter in the mall full time. She was enjoying her life and was thinking about moving out and finding her own place. Her mother wanted her to stay at home and Dean couldn't help laughing when she talked about all the reasons her mother had given for her to stay.

They went to the cinema one evening and by the end of April Dean realised they were dating. He wasn't sure how it had happened but Ariana had been to dinner at his house five times in four weeks. That seemed kind of serious.

He spent an afternoon deciding if he should go with it or stop it before it went too far. He decided on going with it. In the time he'd been alone he'd tried to figure out if he was gay. Whenever he went somewhere he would look at the men and try to find something attractive about them but he never could. Then he looked at the girls and found a couple that he wouldn't mind getting to know better.

So at the beginning of May, when Ariana asked him if their dates were leading anywhere, he said yes. She had smiled and kissed him and he found it wasn't unpleasant.

So in the Summer of Dean's 20th year he found himself with a girlfriend.

John was more than happy, of course, and Mary was just glad Dean wasn't pining anymore. But whenever Dean saw a dark haired boy he couldn't help but feel a surge in his stomach. Then he remembered Cas was far away and even if it had been him, Dean didn't want to talk to him.

At the end of July, Ariana turned 20 and had a small party for her friends. Afterwards, Dean and her were sitting on the sofa in her parent's house. Her mother had managed to keep her home until now, but she was determined to find her own place and Dean had been to a few flats with her to have a look. She still hadn't found anything she liked, though, so she had to have her birthday party at home while she had managed to convince her parents to go away for the night.

Dean soon found out why she had wanted them to go away. After kissing for a while, Ariana put her hands under Dean's shirt and the unexpected touch on his bare skin made him jump.

"Sorry," she laughed.

"It's alright," Dean said and smiled crookedly.

"Do you want to?" she asked and played with one of his buttons.

"Erm." Dean shiftet in his seat. It wasn't that he didn't want to.

"It's not my first time so you don't have to worry," she said and smiled.

"O-kay," Dean said, not really knowing what to think about that.

Ariana stood up and put a hand out and before he knew it, Dean was on his way to a girl's bedroom at her parents house while they were away for the night. He couldn't help thinking that this was supposed to have happened two years ago.

Once in Ariana's bedroom they got on the bed and started undressing. Even though Dean wasn't a virgin, he still felt like it was his first time. They kissed and touched each other for almost half an hour but still nothing happened. Dean didn't get hard. He was starting to feel embarrassed and that didn't help the matter.

He finally decided to put an end to it. He apologised and started picking up his clothes.

Ariana looked disappointed and put her robe on.

"So you're really not into girls," she said and sat down on the bed.

"What?" Dean stood up straight and zipped his jeans.

"Dean, your gay. It doesn't matter how much you say you like girls and it's just Cas you want," Dean felt floored at the mentioning of Cas' name.

"You're gay."

She was smiling but Dean could tell she was upset.

He went and sat next to her. "I've tried to find other men attractive but I don't," he said.

"So? You've had your heart broken. Of course you're not going to find someone else right away."

Dean thought for a while. Maybe she was right. "I'm sorry," he said and took her hand.

She smiled. "It's not your fault."

"So we can still be friends?"

"Sure."

Dean hugged her. He was relieved. Relieved that they were still friends but most of all that he didn't have to pretend to like her. He'd thought a lot about it and he found her attractive but he'd never felt sexually attracted to her. Stan had found it strange that they'd been together for two months without having sex and under normal circumstances Dean would have found it difficult to wait but he just didn't feel like having sex with Ariana.

He left soon after and on the way home he decided he would take some time alone and when he felt ready to meet someone new he would go for a man. His thoughts briefly went to Cas and he felt the familiar twinge in his stomach. He was able to think about him without crying now but he still felt sad that it had ended when it did. He hadn't been ready. He'd still been madly in love with him; now he felt empty when he thought about him.

Just before school started after the Summer, Dean was in town to find a few books about classic cars. He hadn't worked on the Impala since Cas broke up with him. The car reminded Dean too much of him. But now he felt ready to get the last few things done.

He'd found a couple of books and had been to get a coffe for the walk home when he spottet a black haired guy walking down the other side of the street. Dean was used to seeing guys with black hair. It was like if you thought about buying a bright pink bag then suddenly you would see bright pink bags everywhere.

Dean, although he did his best not to, still thought about Cas every day and he would always spot guys with black hair that weren't him.

This time it was him, though. Next to him was...Eli. Dean stopped dead in his tracks. Eli had a possessive arm around Cas' shoulder and there was no mistaking what their relationship was. Dean felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. He thought back to the time he'd been in San Diego. When Eli had sat next to them in the old house as they kissed. When he'd come to talk to Cas after his brother had been expelled and how he willingly had said he would check up on him the day after the disastrous party. Hell, he'd even offered to drive Dean to the airport to make sure he left.

All that time Eli had probably had a thing for Cas. And he'd had plenty of time to manipulate him. While Dean was at home waiting for Cas to return, Eli had turned to Cas for comfort in a difficult situation and had made him believe he was a better match for him.

Dean started walking home with long strides. He knew he was probably making up at least half of this stuff but he felt betrayed. By Eli and by Cas. They'd had all the time in the world together while Dean had been missing Cas like crazy.

On the way, he automatically liftet the coffee to his lips and muttered angrily to himself. When he reached home, he felt sure he wouldn't find it difficult to forget about Cas now. He was furious and went upstairs to put the books on the shelf. He'd lost interest in them and the Impala. The Impala? No, he still wanted to finish it, just not now.

He was looking forward to school starting. This would be his last year and he had a six month internship at Bobby's ahead of him. Then he would be a fully licensed mechanic. He almost couldn't wait. He could get his own place and could have his boyfriend to stay the night. His boyfriend. Dean sighed and sat down. All the anger was gone and he was back to feeling hopeless despair. His life was starting for real soon and he couldn't share it with the only person he wanted to be with.

Dean's life might be a little up and down, but Ariana had more luck and she finally found a flat she liked. Dean and a few others were going to help her paint and they spent a Saturday doing the place up. It was quite small but since Ariana would be living alone it was all she needed.

It was September and the leaves were slowly starting to change colour. It was earlier than usual and everybody expected a cold Winter.

When Dean woke up the Sunday after the painting party he felt awful. Maybe he was getting a cold. Or maybe it was that chicken sandwich Stan had made that had been a bit off. Then again, maybe it was because he'd had sex with Ariana. He wasn't quite sure how it had happened. He'd been the last one there and while Ariana had happily chirped away about how happy she was with her new place, Dean hadn't been able to forget the sight of Cas and Eli together. He still felt angry about the whole thing. Anyway, he'd ended up sleeping with Ariana and when he left they'd decided they could still be friends despite of it.

He stared at the ceiling for about 10 minutes before finally getting up.