Chapter 10: First time again.

Like always, life was harder now that the twins were here, not because they woke up at night no... Even at only three weeks old, the pair never woke at night, not even for feeding. Although, Fili and I agreed that it was mainly because they stuffed themselves silly during the day and then didn't have room at night for anything else.

I haven't been sleeping properly.

There a feeling in my stomach that I can't shake, the feeling that something was about to go wrong, something very wrong. I confided this feeling to Tauriel in the hopes she'd understand how I felt, but she could only suggest writing things in a diary.

I decided to begin where I did, at the start of my journey with the Company, I had to ask Ori for help since I couldn't very well remember the start... The very start.

My dear Children,

I think, by the time you get to read this, I will be old or in a very dire circumstance, passed. My eldest daughter, Torva Janet, daughter of the house of Durin and your twin my eldest son, Frerin Vila, son of the house of Durin. I give you this gift to serve as a reminder of the journey your family endured, to share with any siblings you may have and to teach you the lesson of strength and loyalty and faith in your people.

Your family loves you all very much.

Love, Amad.

Three weeks ago, Dis and I had been at odds over the truth of the twins conception, she had argued that they were not true to the line of Durin due to being conceived out of wedlock, if that's even a relevant thing anymore... Never was for me.

Since then, Kili has threatened to cut his hair six times and Fili has told his mother that if she cannot accept his children then he shall up and leave, taking his family to the Blue Mountains and only bringing us back once in a fire moon. I have never been sure where King Thorin stood on the matter of his nephew's children, but he now proudly wears the title of Grandpa Thorin, or Gror, as Frerin cannot say Thorin as of yet, though we all have hope.

Five and a half moons have passed since the battle for Erebor, yet still now more than ever my bones ache for another battle, something to be worried about or to have adrenaline in my clients again. Fili says this is normal after a first fight, he says that he had it as well for a time in his youth, but no longer.

Now he wishes to settle down and only fight when necessary.

I guess we've swapped places.

"That pillar ought to be there actually Bombur, if it goes there then the whole house would appear lopsided." I corrected, balancing Torva on my hip as I pointed out the design flaw, Bombur nodded as Frerin pulled himself up to stand at the table, his tiny legs wobbling unsteadily as he grinned at me. In his pink mouth, I could see the shadow of another tooth cutting, he was growing too quickly whereas as Torva was not. "Be careful my little dumpling, do not fall." I warned, Frerin giggled and lowered himself back into a crouch, the door opening with a creak. I didn't even need to look around to know who had appeared, Frerin squealed and ran to his father, I frowned as Fili cheered him on.

"He's already walking?" He asked, I shook my head and then sighed, kissing Torva's head softly.

"Not walking, running to be more exact. He can't even stand without holding onto something yet he runs as if he has his entire life." I replied worriedly, Fili nodded and grinned at his son, who was wriggling over his shoulder to Kili, who had followed.

"Let's go pester the kitchen staff." Kili said in what I assumed he thought was a quiet voice, he reached for Torva as well, I sighed and passed her to him.

"I know you worry my love but-."

"Torva doesn't develop as quickly as Frerin does, she can't stand yet, she doesn't crawl and only one tooth has come through. Frerin runs, he stands and he has many teeth and more coming. I know you say it's a Dwarf thing but I worry for her, if she is more me than you it means she is human and no Dwarf." I interuppted, Fili rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Do not roll you eyes at me, I'm not crazy Fili, I know what I am taking about because I am their mother." I snapped, leaving him to shake his head and disagree with me. "And if you think I'm letting you and Kili give our son weapons you can rethink that plan." I added over my shoulder, scowling at the empty corridors as I searched for Dwalin, needing to work my frustration out with a good old sparring match.

"Always he thinks he knows better because he's a Dwarf! I carried those children, I birthed those children and now I raise those children, all he did was put them in my belly and now he plays with them." I hissed, Dwalin shrugged and stopped our match.

"He just wants to put you at ease." He suggested, I shook my head and sighed, sitting on the grass and taking a drink of water.

"He wants to try and put me at ease, I just wish he could see things from my point of view, Torva may be sick for all he knows, but he ignores it because it a Dwarf thing." I replied.

"If it bothers you that much then take her to Oin, ask him what's wrong with her." Dwalin argued, I nodded and then looked at the Mountain as the guard changed.

"I have, Oin doesn't know what can be done for her." Dwalin didn't answer, he sat beside me and nodded. I swallowed thickly as a guard ran over to us, bowing deeply as I stood up, worried.

"My lady Clary, you must come quickly, there has been an accident." He panted, my heart stopped as I ran with him back towards the mountain, Dwalin at my side for support as we cleared the gate and made out at through the twisted corridors. We are to a stop outside the infirmary, where the doors were swept open by Dis, who immediately pulled me into her arms.

"What happened?" I asked, Kili looked pale as he sat beside the only occupied bed, Fili was also there with Tauriel and Frerin. Dis pushed Bombur aside gently and held onto me as time stopped.

On the bed was a tiny lump under the sheets, I could hear my own heart beating maniacally at me. It was as though the world had stopped to allow me a second of peace before my shaking hands reached out and peeled the sheet back.

The loud beating of my heart stopped. My ribcage stayed motionless, my hands stopped shaking and I saw clearly what was in front of me.

Scarlet claw marks, black and purple bruises, puncture marks in the shapes of teeth. Soft white flesh dyed blue with death, corn coloured tufts of hair, tiny hands.

It felt to me like a cruel joke.