Oh how I love me some cliffies...! =D Of course that means this chapter is significantly longer than the previous (twice as long, in fact!), but I think it's very much worth it.

And some good news—we're almost to the end of writing! WOOHOO! And we're (read: I am) just soexcited with the content I can't stand waiting to upload another chap, haha. So that kinda explains why there've been like two updates a week. Thisissomuchfun! ^_^ Mkay now down to business...! Lol

This one is definitely a doozie. Majority from Alexa's point of view with a scene of Tessa thrown in, plus a lot of heavy-hitting character development and hurt/comfort. Definitely pay attention to the warnings on this one! We're rating it M for some content which is slightly more graphic than the rest has been. Detailed descriptions of self-destructive behaviors and the after-effects appear. A summary of the scenes, free of triggers, will be available at the end. So if any of the warnings below make you uncomfortable, feel free to scroll straight to the bottom of the page. (We love you. *heart*)

Warnings: Purging; self-harm (scratching); OCD-type-anxiety and its after-effects including catatonia and meltdowns; weight loss; imprisonment

Chapter 10

I bolted out of the car, Dusk already forming in response to Tessa's panic. She hadn't called me but like hell I'd let that stop me. I practically vaulted over the hood, using a single hand as leverage— thank God for gymnastics— before I crashed straight into arms so immovable they might as well have been iron. Rowen was in subarmour, himself, but instead of going to help her, he was holding me away.

"Let me go!"

He practically threw me back just in time to feel a distinctly magical explosion. I froze in my tracks. He must've known it was coming; I was so focused on getting her I'd not seen the preparation. He leapt to the ground beside me, both of our subarmours skidding on the pavement from the momentum.

The minute my shock was over, I jumped to my feet only for him to snag me despite my squirming. I knew these attacks and these explosions. They were safe now. But even Strata's weakest layer was too much for me to break through, Rowen's arms around my waist in a vice grip. It did not help he was six inches taller than me.

"That's our mom!"

The energy signature was unmistakable. I knew her power inside and out, having literally grown up trying to break her curses. Despite the dulled connection I still felt Dawn somewhere out there, but the bubble around it was thick and toxic to everybody involved. The burns on Dusk ached in memory and I didn't care. The only thing on my mind was preventing her from getting any.

Rowen shoved me back with a hand on my shoulder, stepping in front of me to block my way, every muscle tense. His voice was just as heartbroken as mine. "It's too late. They've got her."

My adrenalin dropped down in defeat, enough to bring Dusk's power back into an orb. "We have to get her back."

His response was immediate and determined. "I can follow her."

I grimaced and raked my fingers through my hair, feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. If he stayed, we'd have to track her using primarily my connection with a risk the trail would go cold, meaning she would be there longer and potentially not leave— either alive or with her mind in tact. If he went, we'd have an exact location and could find her much faster, but he could be captured. I knew what they did to armour. Even a fully-fledged one like his wasn't safe.

I also knew that the longer I waited to make up my mind, the farther away they got.

"Don't engage," I growled out. "They've made it I can't access Dusk, before. And you've seen what they did to it. But go."

He gave a tense nod, taking that information in, before stepping back. "Call Sage. He'll come pick you up and you can follow. I told him what happened."

His armour unfolded and I didn't have any ability to appreciate the dark blue steel before he took off like a shot.

I pulled out my phone and clicked Sage's contact. It barely had a chance to ring before he picked up. "Get over here. Now. Tell Dad the car broke down or something."

Sage was surprisingly good at masking his voice. "Alright, see you soon."

It'd taken us forty minutes to get here. 'Soon' was relative. I turned on the ignition and got the AC going in order to get away from the summer heat in Virginia at noon, although I was always cold so it's not like I needed the air that low. Anxiety dropped my temperature down farther, but I didn't want to add heatstroke onto my list of medical problems. My eyes were practically glued shut as I traced Rowen's every movement, keeping what attention I could on Dawn.

Only to notice a disturbing pattern along the edges of their trail, one I'd felt before but so rarely I almost didn't want to believe it.

Thirty minutes later, the familiar van pulled into the parking lot. I turned the car off, yanked the keys out, and locked the remaining door to keep it safe. By this time I was practically swearing as I confirmed exactly what was going on.

I leapt into the van, parking myself in the empty seat by the door and slamming it shut. "They're manipulating spacetime."

Sage simply narrowed his eyes. "Then let's keep up."

I yelped when he floored it.

"Sage drives racecars," Ryo said in a surprisingly calm tone. "Don't worry."

"Yeah," Kento added with a small laugh. "He won a race two years before he was legally able to drive."

"Not helping, guys!"

At least that explained why they'd made the drive ten minutes faster than we had. The whole atmosphere in the car was grim, nobody wanting to break the silence that we were doing this for a second time in as many weeks.

We were already on the highway, two hours out, when my phone rang.

I swallowed at the contact name. "Hey, Dad."

"Hey…" Our father sounded about as awkward as he did the previous night, something that did not help my nerves. "Is Tessa's phone dead? I tried calling her and got no answer. I thought you'd be home by now."

It took almost superhuman effort to keep my jaw from trembling. "Michael took her. We're tracking her down. It's… our mom's behind it."

There was dead silence on the other end of the line. "He did what."

"Kidnapped her."

"Please tell me you called the cops."

I bit my lip to hold in a string of profanity. "They're manipulating spacetime to get as far away as possible in as little time. The cops won't look far enough and we need to get there now."

"What do you mean—"

"Look." My own voice surprised me, sharp and tense and dangerous beyond belief. "They just kidnapped me last week, that's why I'm even here. Our mother tracked me down for the sole purpose of getting me back under her spell. Now we've just found out Michael was involved with her for the sole purpose of getting Tessa to manipulate her. I lived in that goddamn place for twenty years and I know exactly what they're capable of. And I promised myself, the minute I found out how abusive she was, that I would never let her hurt anybody else again. I fully intend to—"

My monologue stopped dead when I heard the background chatter of Rowen's voice cut off right after 'going', and the only thing I could get out was a loud, bloodthirsty, "That fucking idiot!"

Another growl silenced Dad's demands to know what was going on. "They just got a second armour we seriously have no time. We're already on our way there."

I hung up before I said even more I'd regret, trembling hands getting my phone on the floor before I threw it out the window in pure rage.

Panic had already consumed the car. Kento was swearing as loudly as I had, and I heard Sage snap 'shut up' in Japanese— automatically translating it over the armour connection— but he quickly realized it was futile, instead speeding up our already barely-legal mileage. Cye was stone silent and pale as a ghost, Ryo reliving what I hoped wasn't a flashback but I knew those eyes from the mirror well enough to know it probably was.

He was the first to speak. "You're sure they got Rowen?"

I swallowed and jammed my fingers through my hair again, pulling a few out by the roots in the process. "I told him not to fucking engage with them and I told him they can negate armour powers to the point sometimes I can't even pull up Dusk and if he's there and if he was going in then they had more of an upper hand than Rowen probably realized."

My previous insult towards him rang through my head again. Ironically, it was our mother who kept saying the higher the IQ, the lower the common sense.

Sage was icily calculated when he spoke. "Nether Spirits."

I looked up, glare practically demanding an explanation.

Ryo swallowed, hard, and provided it. "During the Dynasty War, we ran across some youjakai spirits who could block us from using our armor. It took an ancient monk's power to break that influence and allow us our armors back. So the fact they were able to prevent you from calling Dusk…"

"Used to."

They all paused.

I set my jaw, one fist pressed against my hand as if I'd just caught my own punch. "I've lived with them for twenty years. You build up a resistance."

Kento's grin was dark and feral. "Alriiiiight—let's go raid some Nether Spirit cult hideout."

—/—

Shivers brought me from oblivion back to life.

I lay on something not soft but not stupid-hard, either—from experience, I judged it to be a little like a pew bench or maybe even my school mattress. Some draft was blowing air down my body to cause my goosebumps; artificial light clawed at my eyelids.

Entirely too uncomfortable to try going to sleep and maybe waking up back at home, I crawled my way to a sitting position. One hand went to my head while the other rubbed at my nose, still tingling from the effects (and awful smell) of the chloroform. I hoped they hadn't needed to use too much, as embarrassing as that would be. I'd hate to experience the worse side-effects of the chemical.

The hinges of a rusted door squeaking finalized my waking up. Tense for a fight—hearing voices growling and snarling at each other—I forced my eyes open to see what was the commotion.

A too-familiar head of blue hair stumbled into the room, whirled for the door that slammed in his face, and spat countless Japanese curses.

Too many emotions to process crashed into me. "Rowen?" I asked in disbelief.

His expression went from fury to tired concern in an instant. "Gomen, Tessa… I screwed up."

Guessing at his meaning—he'd apparently gone after me, alone, and wound up right where I did—I sighed and slumped against the wall behind the rickety cot I'd woken on. "Iie, Rowen-kun. I screwed up." I couldn't look at him, too full of shame to meet his eyes. "I should have listened, I shouldn't have gotten that close, I should have realized there was something wrong with him—"

Rowen sitting beside me and drawing me into his arms cut me off. But damn he was as strong as Sage when he wanted to be. "No, Tessa. It's not your fault. None of us could have known he'd be working with the cult."

Fear overwhelmed me, the same terror I'd spoken to Alexa about. So, that confirms it; they really did get me. I buried my face in Rowen's sweater and hugged him so tightly I don't think someone with a crowbar could have separated us. His arms wrapped just as strongly around me, fingers of one hand twisting in the hair that had somehow gotten loose in the time I'd been unconscious.

"I'm glad you're here," I finally managed to get out.

I got an answering squeeze. "The others should be on their way. I was keeping an eye on your trail for them; Sage had to drive out to pick up Alexa before they could start this way."

My feelings warred between being glad I'd picked the flier of the group and dismay over having not brought a second driver. Eventually I mentally shrugged and chalked it up to hindsight being twenty-twenty vision.

At least the cavalry shouldn't be too far behi—

"The only catch is that your mother apparently has time-space continuum-distorting powers. So they could be days out."

And there went my Big Damn Heroes hopes. Tears finally sprang to my eyes and tracked down my cheeks, disappearing in his sweater. I asked the only thing I could of him that would help me feel better.

"Will you sing? That lullaby from last time," I explained. "It's soothing."

I felt more than heard his tender chuckle. Rather than saying yes, he simply started humming.

Somehow that kept thoughts of my biological mother from haunting me for at least a little while.

His voice was just starting to scratch with hints of going hoarse when I finally felt calm enough to let him stop. He'd shifted sometime in the first few minutes so that he now sat with his back wedged into the corner where the bed met the edge of whatever room this was; he'd held me the entire time, and once I'd glued myself against his side I was not moving anywhere else.

"So, where exactly are we?" I asked, voice very small.

"Appalachian Mountains, probably northern Pennsylvania." My heart sank—that was easily seven hours from my house. "Looks like they turned an abandoned school into a military training complex."

That was encouraging. Alexa got the ranch—I got the military compound. Somehow, though, that seemed twistedly fitting.

I yawned, rubbing one eye with the back of my hand. The draft returned, and with it my shivers. Rowen's hand scrubbed up and down my arm, having felt the tremors. "Cold?"

A nod. He gently sat us up, carefully wormed his way out of the cardigan he'd pulled on over a light blue T-shirt, and pushed it into my hands. "This should help. It's getting on toward sunset; judging by the decor in this place, I'd say it was built before ice even existed."

I wanted so badly to refuse it, to put on a brave front and deny him the chivalrous act, remind him of his low blood pressure—but only for a split second. I knew how bitter mountain nights could get, even in the summer. And though I wasn't normally so bad about the cold, that was when I could make quips about simply putting on more layers. "Arigato…"

It didn't take long after I'd pulled it over my button-down 'safari' shirt (as I called it) for him to hug me again. Dimly my brain registered the fact that I should be incredibly content with this arrangement, but where exactly we were and the circumstances in which we'd gotten here completely overpowered that.

For once.

A thought hit me. My hand fisted in his shirt. "Rowen, what're they going to do to you?"

One shoulder shrugged; it was too nonchalant for my tastes. "Guess we'll find out."

I pushed upward to get a look at his face. "But you're Japanese, and the blue hair, and your name—they won't like any of it—"

A finger to my lips stopped me. Part of me wanted to be incredibly mad that he didn't seem to be taking this as seriously. "We'll be alright. I can speak French, if that will help, and they'd probably just alter our appearances anyway if they didn't like it. I'm not sure the name is such a bad thing—after all, look at Michael. His name doesn't fit the bill at all."

Maybe he had a point. "Well...just in case?"

His sigh lifted his entire torso, but the smile on his face was placid and indulgent. "Alright." After a few moments' thought, he said, "Y'know, my mother always called me Touma-kun. Spelled any number of ways, you can come up with a five-letter English variant that almost matches you."

I tested it on my tongue, both in English and Japanese, before deciding that I preferred the original. Mollified, I regained the space against his side from which I'd propped myself up. "I like that name. It suits you."

That I spoke so freely about my liking something about him probably attested to how emotionally a wreck I was. Thankfully, Rowen didn't seem to care. "And I think Tessa suits you."

I didn't have the energy to blush, but I managed a small smile. "Thank you."

A faint corner of my brain thought that maybe I should make more of an effort to recon our cell. Having my ear pressed to Rowen's chest, listening to his heart and breathing, made wanting to follow that difficult, however. With a mental shrug, I decided to allow myself at least an hour of worry-free relaxing with him as my watchful guardian.

He tightened his embrace around me, cheek resting on my hair. "I won't let them hurt you."

My eyes snapped open again. The thought had been so powerful and so clear that it rang inside my head with Rowen's exact timbre. A quick poke at Dawn revealed the cause—and I could have jumped for joy. The armor's energy coursed through me with my sudden understanding that it had finally manifested.

His mental voice sounded more deliberate this time, though there was a hint of something sad beneath the surface. "Congrats. You're officially a yoroi bearer."

That made me happier than I should have had a right to be, considering the whole "kidnapped by a cult" deal. Not only had Dawn finally showed up, I could unashamedly cuddle my now-number-one crush. (Of course the half of my brain that was actually reasonably processing things wondered if maybe I wasn't deliberately pulling a little of the Damsel in Distress card, but Gwen hushed that up right quick.)

Rowen's breathing abruptly became shallower; his cheek lifted from my hair, and I got the distinct impression he was staring at me. I almost didn't want to peek...but all of a sudden things felt a lot more awkward than they needed to be. When I sat up just enough to look him square in the face, I had to gulp.

I had never seen his eyes burn like stars before. In my mind, Gwen growled like a happy tiger about to pounce its prey.

For a moment, there was sheer silence. Even Dawn couldn't reach Strata to figure out what its bearer was thinking. Goosebumps prickled on the skin of my arms that had nothing to do with the freezing cold air. My already-thundering heartbeat nearly leapt out of my chest when his hand cupped the back of my neck; I swallowed, hard.

He barely had to lean forward to kiss me.

I melted, eyes fluttering shut.

Before we could have any more time to process what just happened, though, the creaky door banged open.

Rowen reacted with the speed of a warrior's honed reflexes, both hands pulling my body to his as the too-short kiss disengaged. Strata dropped all the defenses that had been shoved up between us, and now Dawn could feel the typhoon of protectiveness, anger, and loathing that crashed together in his mind with crystal clarity.

The sheer depth of what could only be described as love beneath it all made my head spin like a galaxy.

"It's Michael," Rowen informed me.

That roused enough anger in my draconic soul to burn down a continent-wide forest. It fueled my swift scramble from his protective arms in order to stand and face my abductor. Fists clenched, I took a martial stance and narrowed my eyes at him.

"You've got some nerve, coming in here to gloat about h—" I paused, blinking. My ex-boyfriend seemed completely changed from the dangerous kidnapper I'd seen hours before. Those doe-eyes stared at me almost...heartbrokenly? He shook his head sadly, one hand going to his forehead in a disbelieving gesture.

"Oh, Tessa, darling, how you wound me," he explained, voice soft as a new lamb. I couldn't come up with anything to say, instead listening with a growing feeling of horror and dread. "I thought you were better than this. I treated you like a princess—I never did anything to disrespect you or hurt your feelings or shatter your dreams. I even gave you my blessing when you began your overseas trip." The hand at his head dropped to level an accusing finger at Rowen. His volume dropped even more dramatically—sounding almost broken at a soul-deep level. "And this is how you repay me? By not having the courtesy to tell me the truth about why you wanted to break up with me?"

My stance wavered; my leading foot dropped back, as if shoved there by the guilt worming through my heart. That accusation had been exactly what I'd wanted to avoid. "T-That's not true, I never—I wasn't—I couldn't—I waited 'til I came back to tell you—"

"That you were cheating on me with some blue-haired freak?"

"N-NO, that's not—"

Rowen offered a telepathic arm, stabilizing me. "Don't listen to him, Tessa. He's trying to throw you off-balance."

That sense of love gave me new courage. I took a breath, steeling myself for what I was about to say. "As far as I'm concerned, I broke up with you today...whenever our last conversation was. Ask anyone I knew in Japan—ask my sister. They'll all vouch for me when I say I did not cheat on you, that in fact that was the last thing I wanted to do." Hiding my grimace, I amended, "To you."

Michael seemed to mull this around a few moments, then smiled. It was so sickeningly sweet as to roil my empty stomach. "Well. I suppose you're not so unfaithful as I'd feared." His arms expanded in a gesture that obviously meant I should hug him in repentance. "Will you come back to me? You know how your mother thinks of me—I'm sure I can help you smooth things over with her."

I chanced an uncertain glance over my shoulder at Rowen. Every fiber of my being told me to go to him instead, to spit in Michael's face and let my defiance speak for itself. Dawn felt barely recognizable to me for how it seemed to meld with Strata's powers, drawing additional strength from the older armor.

Reluctance was plain in his nod and telepathic voice. "Placate him. Hopefully that will buy us and the guys some time."

So I dragged my feet to Michael, giving him the stiffest, least-contact hug I could get away with.

I shuddered with revulsion and horror when he whispered, "You've got to be careful with him— he could turn on you on a dime. You know I would never do that.

"I will protect you from him."

—/—

By the time ten pm rolled around, everyone was exhausted from adrenalin having worn off and the only emotion permeating the car was grim, resigned fear. I kept everything inside to not make the atmosphere darker, shoving triggers away in the name of getting work done. It had only gotten worse when Dad called again, half an hour later; I told him the general area where she was just to placate him while also minimizing possibility of police involvement. We'd not made as much progress as we wanted on the drive, me muttering a few choice words at the holiday weekend traffic. There really wasn't any option but to pull over and stay in a motel that night; there was no sense in exhausting ourselves needlessly and all of us getting caught.

Despite my best efforts, they must've seen something in me, because when we split up into two rooms, Sage ended up in mine and immediately claimed the bed by the door. My heart dropped as I realized what he was doing, putting his body between me and any intruders to make sure I wouldn't be kidnapped again and taking the biggest risk.

His hand on my shoulder temporarily stopped the spiral of negative thoughts. "The armours are bulletproof and they're not about to shoot through the door." Before I could move to check, he went over and knocked. "It's reinforced with metal. Besides, it'd be shooting blind. And it would draw attention to themselves."

I nodded and made my way to the other bed, legs not able to support myself much longer. I sank down on the edge with my head in my hands, elbows on knees, and just tried to breathe.

He sat next to me on the mattress, one hand on my upper back rubbing soft circles, staying silent but otherwise letting me know he was there.

I finally dropped my hands from my face, staring at the floor. "I'm okay."

His hand slid off my back and something about his tone indicated he knew I was just saying that, but I didn't want to talk about it. "Alright. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me."

I nodded but otherwise stayed stone still. He was slow in gathering up what he needed, seeming to delay leaving and give me time to break beforehand. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad sign that I didn't feel like it at all. My emotions were perfectly locked down to the point I wasn't even sure they existed.

I knew this was dangerous on some level— especially as my whole body seemed to itch— but at least I could somewhat function right now.

The door clicked shut and I heard him turn on the shower, which only reminded me how much grime was on my skin. Oils and dirt and fear sweat felt like it was a coating everywhere, flaring up acne and making my very existence miserable. I could not remember the last time I had cleaned myself off.

I reached around and dragged my nails up my back to scratch that phantom feeling, from the bottom of my shoulder blades to neck, and immediately knew I had made a very bad mistake.

My skin wanted to split open and my nails gave it momentarily relief. Every part of my mind screamed at me to keep going, to turn my skin into a crosshatch of red and broken pimples and peace.

With Tessa and Rowen captured, my own kidnapping threatening to come roaring back to the surface, and my childhood one step behind, I didn't have the energy to resist.

I was so wrapped up in scratching— my calves would be covered in scabs tomorrow, so would the backs of my thighs, my chest was bright red, and I was working on digging out the large, excruciatingly painful acne on my back— that I didn't even hear Sage come out.

"Alexa?"

My hands left my back like they'd been hit with hot water, hair dropping in front of my face to hide. I'd told people I self harmed, but not him, and nobody had ever caught me after a particularly bad session, let alone during. My freshly opened wounds stung as my clothes settled back on them, easing how much my heart hurt at being caught red handed.

I looked at my nails. In this case, literally red handed.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "So, so sorry."

His fingers lightly brushed my shoulder, attempting to rest there but him not wanting to press on any potential wounds. He moved to kneel in front of me, the smell of his body wash still hanging around him. I refused to look at his face and the emotions I knew would be there.

He gripped my wrist and used his other hand to carefully touch my blood smeared fingertips. "What…" He swallowed, seeming to rethink his train of thought. "How badly did you hurt yourself?"

"Don't ask." I scrunched my eyes shut. "I'm not bleeding much, though."

He sighed, and I recoiled at the sound. His free hand immediately went to stop me from pulling my legs up, holding me in place as a way to let me know he wasn't angry. "No, Alexa, it's alright… Look at me, please."

I shook my head.

He brought his hand back up, gripping one of mine in both of his. "You've done nothing to be sorry for."

"I hurt myself."

"You're in pain."

His simple words floored me enough I did look at him, immediately seeing the tears brimming in his eye, corners of his mouth trembling.

He picked up on my growing guilt before it had a chance to fully manifest. "It's only because you're hurting." He swallowed again, one hand squeezing mine, voice actually showing signs of strain. "I promise."

Any resistance I had towards crying a few moments ago completely broke down. I slid to the floor and practically dissolved into Sage's chest. His hands stayed on my shoulders for fear of pressing on anything; I moved one hand towards my relatively unhurt mid-back, his arm readily snaking around me to pull me close. His clothes and skin radiated the smell of cherry blossoms and crisp, cool air, all wrapped up with well oiled wood.

It, combined with his protective hold, calmed me down almost as well as Ativan did.

"You should clean those," he said into my neck. "A shower will help you feel better, too."

I blinked, slowly, realization dawning. "You haven't asked to heal them…"

"Do you want me to?"

I shook my head.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was curling up around me. "That's why."

A part of me I hadn't even realized was tense melted into his care. The part of me that never knew how people would respond and how much I would have to keep reaffirming my boundaries. He enveloped me and put a hand on the back of my head, letting me stay against him as long as I needed.

Eventually, I managed to pull away and gather up my things. My knees felt carpet burned on still-there bruising— I hadn't eaten enough for my body to actually heal on its own— and every part of me stung, but the overwhelming desire to peel my skin off had faded to manageable levels.

A few moments later I was in the bathroom having my own shower, surprised at the lack of pre-existing steam. Of course Sage had cool showers; from the way Tessa talked about him, he'd be the type to dive into an icy stream for meditation. He probably wouldn't even flinch at the famed Canadian polar dip.

The thought of him diving into the ice-cold water and being just fine among the shivering participants was all too amusing. It was a welcome distraction from rubbing soap over protruding bones. I knew I'd lost weight over the past month, but not this much. I could pinch the tops of my hips, there was so little around them on either side. I stubbornly refused to look in the mirror and see my ribs, even though I couldn't help but notice the dark shadows on my abdomen from the growing hollows.

He was laying in bed by the time I got out, cloud of musky, stout-scented steam following me, Halo softly glowing on the bedside table. "I hope you don't mind the extra light."

I shook my head. "If I can't sleep, I'll just get Dusk to darken my side of the room. Or something."

I didn't know who I was kidding with the idea I'd actually sleep tonight.

Sage watched me crawl under my own covers, seeming to study me. "Are you going to take anything?"

"We're leaving early, right?"

He nodded.

"Yeah no not a chance." I rubbed my face. "Ativan knocks me out for at least eight hours, and it fogs me up all day. Everything else doesn't work. Chamomile tea might do something, but when I'm this stressed all it does is take the edge off at best."

"Ah." He turned over and clicked off the bedside light, Halo's glow nothing in comparison. "Let me know if you can't sleep."

"I will," I murmured back. I made sure the telepathic link between everyone was very much closed before adding, unless you're sound asleep.

I lay on my back, trying to focus on his breathing as he slipped into unconsciousness, but the day was catching up to me. My stomach twisted in tight knots— I'd not had lunch, and an attempt at dinner had resulted in me nearly violently throwing up after just a few bites. My body was locked in fight or flight, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it short of Ativan, and today was a day I didn't want the side effects. I'd need to be sharp tomorrow, which meant I needed to stay away from anything that would impact my performance long term.

That didn't mean I wouldn't have needed it.

I grabbed my iPod, thankful for Halo's steady glow so I wasn't fumbling in the pitch black. Music helped ease my stomach so it wasn't contorting in pain, my single softest playlist easing my eyes closed. I wasn't quite sure when I fell asleep, but I sure knew when I woke up. The music was over and my anxiety was through the roof, dryness in my mouth spreading to my throat.

I coughed.

Only to mentally swear.

My muscles were frozen half heaved, another cough threatening to rip its way out. I eased out of the covers and into the bathroom, continuing to glance at Sage asleep in his bed. I shut the door and turned on the light, falling to my knees and letting my muscles move how they wanted.

The bile was incredibly thick as it came out, concentrated and slimy enough it stayed behind in my throat, burning the already tender lining of my esophagus. I'd barely drunk anything all day and now I was going to pay for it in the form of not being able to purge.

Another set of coughs. I had to hack up the remaining bile and winced as the intense smell went up my nose, stinging everything it touched. With a burst of strength I went to the sink and downed half a glass full of water, feeling the moment it hit my stomach with yet another heave.

This one was welcome, the almost pure water clearing out the residual acid.

I gasped as what I thought was the last of it spilled out of my mouth, panting from oxygen deprived lungs trying to fill themselves. Lightheadedness and intense shaking made it almost impossible to think, most of my weight resting on my calves on the floor and forearms on the seat. I forced the glass of water back to my lips, taking a few cautious sips to ease my paper-like system, my eardrums so dry they felt like they were cracked.

To my shock and bone deep fear, I heaved again.

The last of my strength gone with the fourth time I'd thrown up in what was likely fifteen minutes, I sank to the floor and curled up in a very tight ball. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes, more self hatred than I knew what to do with swirling in every fibre of my being. First the self harm, revealing part of the depth of my depression to Sage, and now an absolutely debilitating anxiety attack when I couldn't have one, shouldn't have one, even though I knew I had too much in my mind I couldn't remember any of it, the only emotion present self loathing.

I hiccupped a breath and fell onto my side, sprawled as if asleep with my eyes closed to boot, body unwilling to respond to any of my commands. I could move, but nothing past small shifts. Every time I tried, I shook uncontrollably and promptly went back onto the hard floor. I couldn't even cry.

I didn't know how long I lay there before the door hit my feet. I reflexively pulled them away, letting it open.

"Alexa!"

I already had a tentative relationship with my name at best, and hearing Sage continue to say it in various alarmed and horrified tones was turning my ambivalence into outright hatred.

I groaned when he took my pulse, trying to pull my hand away but not having the strength. Apparently having caught on my voice did not work, he reached out with Halo. 'Can you hear me?'

'I'm alright.' I continued speaking when he practically recoiled from disbelief. 'I've had these before. Just… give me some time.'

Sage, of course, refused to listen, and he most certainly wasn't going to leave me alone. He slipped one arm under my torso, the other under my knees, and lifted. My mood dropped out from under me without the solid weight of the floor to reassure me I was real. Once I realized he was about to put me on the bed, my depersonalization melded with outright panic.

He paused midway. 'What's wrong?'

'The mattress is too soft.'

I'm not sure he understood, but he relented, placing me in the small space between the beds… and laying down beside me.

I managed to find my voice. "I'm okay."

"No," he said firmly. "You're not."

My hands fisted in his pyjama top, knowing he was right and trying to shove those thoughts as far away as possible.

"Alexa…"

"Don't," I snapped. "Don't don't don't use my name it just reminds me of her I'm tired of hearing it she named me according to cult rules and now I'm going to go see her again and she has my sister and who knows what she could do to her!"

And just like that, everything slammed into me like a ton of bricks, the obsessions which had been swirling under the surface turning into all-consuming thoughts that I could no longer ignore. There was danger, it was real, I knew just how bad it could end up, and my best friend was the target.

Sage held me close, muffling my blood-curdling shriek with his own body.

I didn't think I stopped sobbing for a solid twenty minutes. The past two weeks, two months, twenty years— I couldn't determine the time period I was remembering, but it felt like the entirety of it was ripping its way out of my muscles and bones.

It hurt.

I ended up collapsed on Sage's chest, sure I'd torn holes in his clothing from the strength of my grip. He carefully eased his way up, seeming to relax when I was physically able to shift and follow him under my own power.

Now that my hands were untangled from the fabric of his shirt, I felt the ache of overtaxing my tendons and muscles trigger another wave of hatred. "God, I'm so broken."

Sage rubbed my back softly, shockingly unphased by my commentary. "Have you ever heard of kintsugi?"

I shook my head, fury too unfocused to not be upset at the apparent non sequitur.

"It's a practice back home," he said, voice calm and even. "Where we repair broken pottery with lacquer that's been mixed with gold or silver, in order to fix the damage but show the break was part of its history. Instead of hiding the imperfections, correctly mending the piece makes it more beautiful. Taking the time to heal it, so to speak, to make it whole again."

His implication hung in the air, and even when I couldn't quite comprehend the depth of it, I had enough understanding for my eyes to well up with tears again.

'I'm still worthwhile.'

"Yes," he said verbally, giving me something to hold onto with my senses. "You are."

All I could think to do was turn and look at him, feeling empty but calm and, somehow, secure again. The emptiness wasn't terrifying and I didn't feel as many cobwebs lurking in the corners of my mind. I felt real, sitting on the ground with a pulse in my chest. "Thank you."

He simply smiled, shifting so he was detached from me. "Think you can make it to bed?"

I nodded and shakily got up, his hand reaching for mine when I held it out in an attempt at balancing myself. He kept the grip while pulling down the blankets I'd left in a knot.

Within a few moments I was already half asleep under the covers, Sage sitting beside me and stroking my hair. "Try to get some sleep. Please wake me next time."

I doubted there would be a next time, but I nodded under his hand. He squeezed my shoulder before pulling back, heading to his own bed.

I took a breath, feeling the air sting. "Sage?"

He paused halfway to laying down, looking at me as a prompt to continue.

"My… throat." I frowned as I kept feeling wave after wave of burning pain, one for every breath. "Could you… heal it?" I conjured some moisture in my mouth to swallow. "Please?"

He came back to my bedside, fingers going to my neck. I shifted my head to give him a better reach, Halo slowly, carefully spreading out along where it hurt.

He was about to ask another question when I said, "My ears and nose, too. Anywhere it… burns."

A moment later, metal-cool energy spread along the white-hot, bile-touched membranes as Halo worked. My eyes slipped shut as it did, Sage's consciousness right on the edges of Dusk's iron clad protection, me still refusing to let him anywhere near the deeper reaches of my soul. But for once, it wasn't fearful. Just habit I didn't have the energy to break, nor did I need to.

The liquid-like relief stayed when Halo left, the last traces of my anxiety dropping away now that my body no longer hurt.

"Better?"

I nodded, pulling the covers back up to my chin.

He adjusted what I couldn't, making sure I wouldn't get cold. "Oyasumenasai. Goodnight."

The little inclusion of the language— helping me understand bits and pieces at a time in their own contexts, when he was comfortable including them— made me smile. "Oyasumenasai."

He paused getting up to put a hand on my shoulder, the last touch I registered before I finally managed to slip away.

Summary

Alexa attempts to follow Tessa, but magic keeps her from going after immediately. Rowen offers to fly after and track; by the time Sage and the others pick up Alexa, she's realized her mom is behind the kidnapping and is using time distortion to move farther faster. Rowen ends up getting caught, and in discussion the guys realize the force which sometimes prevented Alexa from using Dusk was Nether Spirits.

Meanwhile, Tessa wakes in a cell somewhere in New England just before Rowen is thrown in. After some conversation, Tessa discovers that Dawn has finally manifested itself. Shortly after, Rowen kisses her-just as Michael walks in. Tessa keeps up the charade that she's still in love with Michael in order to buy her and Rowen some time.

Back with the gang, Alexa and the guys are forced to stop for the night due to heavy traffic and distance. Sage and Alexa share a motel room while the Three Stooges take another. Once in the room, the day starts catching up to her. The minute she's alone while Sage is in the shower, she breaks down in a fit of self injury that only ends when he comes out. He comforts her and lets her know he understands, respecting all previous boundaries she's put up, before telling her to take her own shower. She tries to sleep but anxiety gets the better of her again, resulting in a second breakdown in the middle of the night. Sage is once again there for her, introducing the concept of "kintsugi", repairing pottery with gold lacquer, to tell her that despite the old traumas, mental illnesses, and disabilities, she still has worth. Thanks to his gentleness, she allows him to heal parts of her injuries before going to sleep."