Chapter 9.


It took only a second for me to arrive in closed space, and only a second more for the pain to strike. My head felt like it had shattered on the pavement. I screamed. My body needed a release, some way of expressing to whoever the hell was in charge that it couldn't take much more of this and the safety of the world be damned if it had to.

Only a second later, the pain was blissfully gone and I was dry-heaving on the school pavement. What the hell? The last time Haruhi brought me into closed space had been nothing like that. Did sleeping really make all that big of a difference?

Wait. I remembered what happened last time in closed space? Did I remember this before I came here? No, I couldn't have. After all, that memory was pretty much entirely about—

"Kyon?"

I wiped my mouth and turned to see a highly concerned Haruhi. I felt my remaining memories slowly fall into place. Of course. To her, this was a dream. Why shouldn't dream Kyon remember her?

Dream Kyon didn't have anything to lose, in her mind.

It was three days ago. No, I guess that wasn't right. It must have been longer than that she had started to wonder about how I felt. I hadn't really left her a choice. There had been that dream, of course, which she must have secretly hoped had actually happened. After all, the very next day I had complimented her on her ponytail. Her sub-conscious couldn't possibly have had that good an intuition.

But after that, nothing had happened. We got ourselves into a comfortable groove with one another, but it had been a natural development rather than a decision we made. I never liked making the first move, or a move period. I didn't want to even think about it. Waiting was always so much easier.

So, she waited on me and never said a word. It only made sense that she would start to think up excuses for me, to assume the worst. I guess it sounds terrible, but there was no way I could really help her. I didn't even know how I felt. I still didn't really know.

"Kyon? Are you okay?"

What do I say?

"Yeah. I'm fine, Haruhi. What's wrong with you?"

She scoffed. "You're the one trying to puke," she said, turning to look at me, her eyes wary and mistrustful.

The same eyes of three days ago, staring me down from across the classroom as Taniguchi called out to me.

I had turned to find him coming right behind me through the door of the classroom, with Kunikuda in tow. Haruhi's glare from her seat across the room had caught me straight in the back. She had never liked him much, to the point where he had the unwanted record of the shortest time of dating her, but now I could see it had been more about me than him.

"Hey."

"You busy tomorrow?"

I hadn't answered right away. I was far too aware of Haruhi's eyes watching me. "Yeah, I am."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her turn away and I turned back to see Taniguchi sighing in exasperation. "Let me guess: Suzumiya? Sometimes, Kyon, I pity you."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm serious! She hangs on to you like you're her own personal pet. How you can stand it, I'll never know. Unless … " His eyes narrowed.

"Don't tell me you two are finally dating?"

"It's freezing out here. I want to go inside."

Haruhi said this in her usual way, making it clear that she was telling me to go inside with her instead of merely announcing what she was doing. I didn't mention that it was easily warmer right now than it had been in the real world. She probably already knew that she was exaggerating.

I nodded and pulled myself up, regretting it instantly. A wave of vertigo hit me like a lemon wedge taped to a flying brick and it was all I could do not to fall right back down on the ground. Balance returned after a minute or so, but I didn't know if I could do this whole walking thing.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, Haruhi."

She stared at me, not certain at all. "Don't lie to your chief," she commanded, and then, walking forward, gently grabbed my arm and placed it around her shoulders. "I'll help you inside."

I didn't say anything at first, but as we started to slowly move forward, I muttered a soft 'Thanks' that she might not have heard. She certainly didn't look at me when I said it, so instead I tried as best as I could not to lean on her.

Haruhi was still watching the window. I remember mentally thanking every deity I knew in existence for that. The idea of her hearing Taniguchi's stupid remark had terrified me. Yet somehow, I hadn't hesitated to say what she really shouldn't have heard.

"Your stupidity never ceases to amaze me."

"Hey, I'm just saying!"

Kunikuda piped in. "It's like I said before. You've always had a thing for the weird ones, Kyon."

"And as I recall, I told you not to say things like that." And then, the clincher, which I said slightly more quietly and with a sideways glance at Haruhi across the room. She hadn't seemed like she was paying attention.

"You know how it is. It's Haruhi, after all. You think I wouldn't get out of it if I could?"

My valiant desire to burden Haruhi as little as possible deteriorated as we made our way inside the building. My head, which didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, instead felt swollen and heavy, although not nearly as much as my lead-filled legs. Just the act of keeping them moving was a Herculean effort and by the time we got to the clubroom, I realized I was practically being carried as Haruhi shifted my weight to get at the door. Where she got the strength, I'll never know.

Upon getting the door open, Haruhi tried to herd me into a chair, but I opted for the floor near the door instead. She scoffed, but let my arm go as I slowly slid down the wall. I really needed to stretch out my legs. She gave me a momentary, evaluating glance before going to make some tea. Had Haruhi ever made tea before? I couldn't remember off the top of my head. Either way, I couldn't help but feel fairly pleased about this, if only for the thought.

Haruhi didn't speak as she boiled, and I took the reprieve gratefully. What did I have to do now? Somehow I didn't think a kiss was really going to be enough this time. Sure, it might serve as a temporary fix, but to her it might seem an empty gesture now.

Taniguchi had laughed it off, muttering a "True, true!" and some crack about her weird antics. Eventually, we parted ways and I headed back to my seat. Haruhi didn't talk to me, and when it was time for lunch she headed out and I had followed her.

It seemed almost weird to think that this was really the cause of everything. Haruhi never seemed to care about what people thought of her.

But then, that wasn't the real problem. She didn't care if Taniguchi thought she was weird. She cared about what I thought of her, and she thought I cared about what others thought of me. It was easy to see why; even thinking back on it, that's how it would seem to the regular person. It wasn't as easy to see that in reality, even then, I had been waiting it out.

"Tell me what happened."

Only Haruhi would try to blackmail an injured person by withholding potentially divine, warm tea. Holding it out behind her, she kneeled down to meet me at eye level, not looking the least bit sorry or even sympathetic. I met her glare as evenly as possible, but she wasn't going to give it up. I sighed, resigned.

"What do you want to know about?

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Kyon. I just had to drag you halfway across the school grounds, not to mention that we're in this weird place again."

I didn't react, but inwardly I flinched a little. Weird place? Again?

"I mean, at first I thought it was a dream, but now I'm not so sure."

Okay. She hadn't figured it out. She had guessed, but she wasn't completely certain. Uncertain was good. Uncertain gave me a chance to do what I had to do, if I could just work up the nerve and figure out how.

"Although, if it's not a dream, how did you get your memory back?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Don't lie to your Brigade Chief!"

"How do you know I'm lying?"

"You're not giving me a straight answer. Usually you'd at least get annoyed by now," she said, finally relinquishing my cup of tea. I took it and sipped before she could take it away from me again. It wasn't perfect, but then again, with my head starting to pound again and my stomach doing some rather impressive acrobatics, I could have sucked down ambrosia and found it not to my taste. It was warm, however, and considering the potential reaction of the person who made it if I didn't drink it, I downed it in three gulps.

"Have some manners, Kyon, at least in front of your Brigade Chief!"

"So," she finally said, more quietly than I had ever heard her speak before. "How did you remember?"

"Haruhi—"

"Don't try to deny it!"

If I hadn't been leaning against the wall, I would have jumped back. I could barely remember the last time Haruhi had yelled at me, and I mean really yelled at me. Not just yelling because she was upset or commanding or in her usual leader Voice of Power. In fact, if I really had to think of a time, it had been back around when we first met, that day my rambling had given her the idea to create the Brigade. I barely remembered what I said; it had sounded impressive at the least, and it had seemed at the time like the necessary response. After all, it had been the one I'd been given.

Despite all this thinking, I didn't respond, and an uncomfortable silence grew like a weed between us. Like that weed in a garden, it seemed to choke us, preventing us from saying anything to disturb it, even as a dozen more thoughts ran through my head like bullets while she stalked away to stare out the window.

I was doing it again. But I couldn't do it again. But I couldn't not do it.

I was a coward, the worst kind there was. Haruhi's melancholy was hanging on her like an oversized trench coat, bulky and large and heavy on her slender shoulders, and I wouldn't do anything about it. This was my fault but even then, I couldn't so much as speak.

I hated to see her like that. But I hated to do the one thing that could stop it.

Waiting. It was all I ever did. It didn't used to be like that. I used to be like Haruhi, actually, although never that bold and never with such a big mouth. Passivity wasn't a trait that randomly cropped up, after all. It didn't used to be a fear though, as pathetic as it felt to admit that now it was. It was just quiet where Haruhi was loud, accepting where Haruhi was rebellious. An action rather than a feeling.

When middle school ended and I gave up on all those things she wanted, that was when it started to happen, I think. When the act became more. When nodding my head meant I didn't care anymore and attention waned in things too difficult to handle. In that short period of time, it became very easy for me. I guess that was how negative things worked. This whole affair was proof of that.

Then again, I had confessed my innermost desires, my hopes, my dreams to the first person whom I felt could understand, and she had slammed the hammer of reality down on it all. If something like that was enough to damage Haruhi, then I had never really stood a chance.

My head started to hurt. Without looking at me, Haruhi started again in that far too quiet tone: "You know, Kyon, the only reason I ever was interested in you in the first place was because you reminded me of a guy I knew once, back in middle school."

I didn't react. I didn't even blink, though the pounding in my head was fast becoming unbearable. I simply watched, afraid to take my eyes off of her, as she continued:

"You weren't anything like him at all. He was fun, and exciting, and he believed in things. Almost more than I did. But you kind of looked like him, so I hoped that maybe you'd change. That maybe— "

She stopped abruptly. Through the haze of pain covering my senses, I heard her sigh before she continued talking.

"The thing is, I dragged you into my Brigade without really thinking about you, what you wanted. Not that I'm apologizing or anything, but … maybe … I shouldn't have done it."

I gritted my teeth against the pain, fighting it, trying to keep my skull from splitting in two.

"So, I was thinking . . . I was thinking maybe - "

Unable to hold it in any longer, I let out a scream.

Haruhi had been the one to change that, not that I ever really showed it. It was a slow conversion, rather than the sudden change after Sasaki. Bit by bit, action became action again. I cared, even if I didn't realize it or would never admit it to anyone. I wanted to win the game for her. I wanted to beat the Computer Club for her. I wanted to be there for her.

It was strange how a pattern like that could come about without you even noticing. But no, I guess I did notice, if somewhat grudgingly. If I hadn't noticed, wouldn't I have changed back faster? Or would it not have happened at all?

And, the greater question, one I still couldn't really answer. If I was willing to do so much for her, why couldn't I do the one thing she really wanted?

Why couldn't I stop waiting?

"Kyon!"

I welcomed her shout, as with it the pain lessened greatly. She must have been thinking about sending me back when I distracted her with my newfound collapsing ability.

"Hey," I finally said weakly, looking up. I was surprised to see Haruhi's concerned face very close to mine.

She stared for a moment, then asked aloud, "I was right. This is real, isn't it?"

Do I lie?

"Maybe . . . a little."

Silence. Haruhi's eyes went to the floor, and she seemed to think about that fact.

"And you came here because I wanted you to," she said after a while.

I didn't reply, focusing my attention instead on figuring out precisely what she was thinking. I had an idea, but I didn't want to think about that. Except I had to, didn't I? If not now, then when? I had wasted enough time already. There was only one way to fix this, and now that she knew the truth, I could. So, why couldn't I just do it?

"So." Her tone was oddly flat. "It looks like I dragged you in again. Even after I found out what you wanted."

Wasn't I tired of this?

"And if I brought you here … "

Wasn't I tired of waiting?

"I can send you back."

"No!" I started to yell, but my head was splitting along the seams and for all I know it didn't come out as a word at all. I reached out blindly, grasping the first thing I could, just needing some sort of grip, anything to keep me anchored here, anything to keep my mind from breaking off and flying away …

And then, the pain was gone, and I found myself with my arms wrapped tightly around Haruhi Suzumiya.

"... Kyon?" The fear in her voice made me tighten my grip, but although my head was nestled somewhere on her chest, away from her face, I imagined the slightest tinge of red in her cheeks. "I … I don't … "

Yes. Yes, I am.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I mumbled into her shirt, panting for breath.

Slowly, wincing slightly, I adjusted myself so that my head rested on her shoulder. For the first time, I glanced out the window, and noticed the celestial wreaking havoc just outside. That's right. We were in closed space. This was Armageddon all over again. Somehow, I had forgotten.

Even now, it seemed like a very faint, distant concern.

"I'm an idiot."

"You don't have to tell me that."

Despite the sarcasm, her arms stretched gently across my back, and I continued,"I didn't mean what I said. Actually, it's not what I feel at all. It's the exact opposite of what I feel.

"I don't care what they think, Haruhi. I like the Brigade. I like getting caught up in all your weird stuff. In some ways, it's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. The games, the movie, the trips. You, Nagato, Koizumi, Miss Asahina. But mostly … "

I ran my hand up her back until my fingers were nestled in her hair. I pulled her in as close as possible, enjoying the way her body felt against mine, the silky texture of her hair, and the slight trembling in her arms as she tightened them around me in response.

"Haruhi, I …"

Say it. Make her understand.

I turned my head, and, as the lights shut off and we found ourselves lit only by an approaching celestial's glow, whispered right into her ear:

"I never want to forget you, ever again. I don't think I could stand it. When I say the Brigade . . .

"I mean you."

Then there was darkness, and I wasn't able to see her response.

Tomorrow, I bid goodbye to this fic. You all do as well, but for you I assume it's more fun because it's finally complete and you know it all. For me, who's known it from the beginning and never had to read to see what's next, it makes me feel a little melancholic (and apparently fond of puns).

So until we meet again.