I just wanna go home.

Which is so typical of me, yet here I am at another party on a Friday night.

"Why does it seem like you're having the worst time?" Madison asks me, handing me a bottle of water that I asked her for, "are you okay? What's up?"

"I'm fine," I tell her, "just really tired."

I was tired so it's not an excuse, but I also don't wanna sit here and watch Cole get drunk. I hate when he gets drunk. And I hate it even more when I have to witness it. I'm tired of his partying, I'm tired of him always having to be at every party which makes me want to be here so I can keep an eye on him. Like, this isn't what life is all about and it's getting frustrating that this is what I have to deal with every single weekend.

Mads, obviously, doesn't let it go. "Look, stop making yourself suffer and just call it off. It's not worth it, Gabs, it's really not."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah, why not? You're not in love, you're just wasting time."

I wouldn't say I'm wasting time, but I feel like we hit a standstill and it's not going anywhere. I mean, how could it when his weekends are consumed by the party of the weekend? And then being too tired the next day to do anything together.

Maybe this is as good as it's going to get and I have to accept that. But I don't know if I really want to.

You see, in my stupid head, a good reason for staying with him is I have absolutely no right to have feelings for someone else. It restricts it in a way.

It doesn't necessarily prevent it, but it helps a bit.

And right now, I can't deal with getting stronger feelings for Troy. I really, really can't let that happen. So in a way, having Cole around, it suppresses them and it sounds SO bad. It sounds SO fucked up, I know. But I think that's what it is. Along with I don't want to really hurt him.

"Mads, it's not that easy."

"Sure, it is," she shrugs it off, "you know you're not happy. And I doubt he'll be devastated."

We both look over to where he is and he's about to take a shot. He's laughing, holding his shot glass out, making a toast with his friends and then downing it.

It looks like he's having the time of his life and this is what happens every weekend. It always looks like he's having the time of his life every weekend, which is not bad. He should have fun, he's young. But it's excessive. And it's not for me. It's not something I want in a significant other, it's just not.

"I feel like we have this talk way too much and I'm so sick of it."

"Don't sugarcoat it," I tell Mads.

"Sorry," she apologizes, "you know I love you, but I just don't think this relationship is healthy. You're not happy."

She's right. I'm not that happy. And it sucks. I wish I was. I so wish I was.

I look back at Cole and he's laughing his head off about something. His buddies are all high fiving each other and then start to set up a beer pong table for a game. My eyes move a few feet over and there I spot Troy. Who's with Samantha and a couple of his friends and he has no drink in hand.

In fact, he hardly has a drink in his hand.

People come to parties to hang out and talk with friends, not necessarily to drink and I appreciate that.

All of a sudden, Troy sits down on a bench and Samantha takes a seat right next to him and she leans her head on him and laughs about something.

Ugh.

I don't need to see this.

"It's really not the time or place," I tells Mads, uncapping my water and drinking almost half of it, "I'm tired of having this conversation just as much as you and I get it. I get you want the best for me. I want the best for me, to. And it's just something I have to think about, okay?"

"Okay,' she puts her hands up in defeat, "you can do whatever you want."

I give her a small smile and then we walk back to our group and for a minute, I'm enjoying myself.

But then I hear Cole laughing so loud, I turn around to see what was going on over here.

His friend fell. He was so drunk, he fell over. And Cole is standing there laughing at him which is something I can't even wrap my head around.

I quickly went over there to make sure Jackson was okay. One minute he was standing on a chair, I guess, and the next he was on the ground. Granted, it's his fault for being drunk and stupid, but still, I want to make sure he's okay. So the second he opens his eyes and chuckles a bit, I know he's fine.

"What the fuck," I push Cole.

"Geez, what?" He says, putting a cup of beer down, "hold on guys."

He pulls me away from them for a moment and I don't know why I'm so mad at him right now. I think it's just everything at once.

Before even telling me anything, he looked over at his friends and told them not to play just yet. "What's your problem? Jackson's fine, okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine, thank God," I tell him, "but what if he wasn't? You're standing there laughing. He was drunk standing on a fucking chair. He could have been hurt a lot worse and you were laughing. This isn't a joke, Cole. Drinking is not a fucking joke."

"Geez," he says, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." He doesn't get it. He doesn't fucking get it. "You make me so mad sometimes and you don't even know why."

He shakes his head, "no, I don't. I think you just like being mad. We're having fun. Maybe you should try it sometime, you'd be a lot happier."

I couldn't believe what he just said to me.

Nope. I was done. But I was not going to break up with him here.

So with that, I just walked away. I walked away, angrily of course, made my way through this stupid crowd and went out front. I needed to get away from everyone. I needed a minute to myself. I can't believe it's gotten to this point. I can't believe this is where we're at.

And it sucks.

It sucks my boyfriend does not seem like a decent human being anymore.

All he cares about is partying and having fun. And laughing at his drunk friends who could have been hurt.

That boggles my mind. It boggles my mind that he was laughing at him. He could have hit his head really hard and he could have gotten a concussions or cracked his head open. Who even knows. And he was standing there, laughing at him. Who does that? I can't believe him, I really can't.

"You okay?" I hear from behind me.

I turn around, try to hold the tears in and see Troy standing there.

Fuck. Not now.

"I'm fine," I tell him, wiping a tear that was falling before he saw it, "just getting some fresh air."

"Are you sure?" He comes over to me, "I don't know what was said, but I know something happened, so if you want to..."

"No, I don't," I kind of snap at him, "I don't wanna talk about it. I'm fine. You don't need to come after me. You don't need to ask me if I'm okay like you actually want to be out here right now. It's not like that anymore. So, why don't you go inside and hang with Rebecca and just have the best time, okay!?"

Nothing was said. It was silent.

And I have no idea why all that came out of my mouth.

I was frustrated with Cole and jealous and combined, it just made it all come out.

Fuck. Now he's going to know I'm jealous and it's seriously the last thing I want right now. But I just couldn't help it.

Troy took a step back and gave me a lingering look, "sure, okay..."

I shouldn't have blown up at him like that. But like I said, I was jealous and frustrated. Here I am, in the midst of breaking up with my boyfriend and there he is, starting a relationship with a beautiful girl. And it just sucked. So many aspects of my life suck right now and it makes me incredibly sad.

Before I could apologize for basically screaming at him, he's back inside.

I do feel bad about it, but right now, I just wanna be alone. Actually, I just wanna go home.

And forget about this stupid night.

I went all of Sunday not talking to Cole. Not even one stupid text from him.

But now, at school, he's trying to talk to me.

"Oh, now you wanna talk?" I ask him, trying to walk away from him, "what, your phone wasn't working?"

"I was busy," he says, as if that's a good excuse. He doesn't care about me and frankly, I'm over it. We're done. And if we're breaking up right here at school, so be it. "Come on, Gabs, talk to me. I'm sorry, okay? I was drunk and I wasn't thinking clearly and I'm really sorry."

"That's the problem, Cole!" I turn around and yell at him, "you're always sorry. You're always not thinking clearly and I'm so fucking over it."

He groaned the second I turned around, but grabbed my arm, "babe, come on, don't go..."

I made him let go of me. I couldn't do this. "Cole, this isn't working and this isn't going to work. You don't know how to be a good boyfriend and apparently, I'm not the best girlfriend for you. So, let's just walk away..."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah," I tell him, "it's not working."

"You know what?" He says, looking upset, "I'm sorry I'm not a 4.0 student, I'm sorry I like to have fun, I'm sorry I don't like to read. But you're not fucking better than me and you can't act like you're the best around. Like I somehow am the bad one in this relationship, okay?"

I get what he's saying, but it's so irrelevant, it really, really is. "Cole, stop..."

He shakes his head, though, and keeps going. "You're never going to find someone because you're just miserable and I can't understand why."

I'm not miserable. I'm not miserable in my life at all.

That's a little extreme.

With that, he walked away and we were officially broken up and it was like a huge weight was off my shoulders.

His words hurt, though. I understand why he said those things that he said. Was it right? Probably not. But I get it. I bitched at him a lot. I know I did. And looked down on all his partying. But I'm not going to apologize for who I am. Ever. Someone will eventually love me, I hope.

It just wasn't him and that's okay.

But it still hurt and it still made me feel a bit sad about it.

So as I made my way to my car, I fought back these tears. tears abut time I wasted, about the words he said to me, and about how I'm being.

"Whoa, what's wrong?"

Of course. Of course Troy is approaching me, asking me what's wrong. "Nothing."

He didn't buy it. "It's obviously not nothing."

"Cole and I broke up," I tell him really fast, trying to get past him to get to my car. I just wanted to go home.

"You did?" He didn't look totally surprised, but it looked like he wanted to know more. "I'm sorry. I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you, it was loud and clear, but honestly, Gabriella, if you need someone to talk to..."

"Thanks," I smile at it. I appreciate it. And I'm trying to take back what I said the other night.

He gave me a smile back as we just stood here in the parking lot next to my car. His was a couple cars down. "You deserve way better, though."

I deserve better? "What?"

"What?" He looks a bit confused and chuckles, "you deserve better than Cole. He's an asshole if he doesn't know how great you are."

Oh PLEASE. Spare me. This is total fucking bullshit right now.

And I can't believe I'm about to go off on him in the SCHOOL PARKING LOT.

"Oh, I deserve better than Cole?" I ask him, "you don't even fucking know me anymore so how could you know what I deserve and don't? You left me three years ago without one single fucking goodbye. No text, no phone call, no letter and you come back into my life, thinking we could just pick our friendship back up and then you try to tell me that I'm fucking great and I deserve better. Fuck you, Troy. Seriously. Save me that fucking bullshit."

"Gabriella," he attempts to respond.

But I cut him off, "no, don't. You left. You barely know me anymore. You can't fucking say I'm great. You just can't... because if I were great..."

I don't even finish that sentence. If I were great, he would have kissed me back.

No, I can't tell him that.

So, I don't. I just stop right there, turn around and get inside my car and I drive. I drive away. I drive and cry. And think about everything in the past few years. I think about that stupid kiss. Him leaving. Him not calling me. The day he moved back. The day I met Cole. Everything. I'm just thinking about everything. And how my life would have been life if he had never moved. If I had never kissed him that night.

I can't go back, though. This is my life. And this is what I have to deal with.

Fuck this.

It's complete, one hundred percent bullshit.