So I received a comment lecturing me about the difference between a neurologist and neurosurgeon that was unsigned, so I decided to respond to it here. The review was to Chapter 5 and the word neurologist was in the chapter twice. Twice. Out of what? Like 3,000 words? I know I said that I apologize for any medical inaccuracies, but a neurosurgeon is still a neurologist to some extent in my book. For me and probably for a lot of book, saying a neurosurgeon isn't even in the slightest bit a neurologist is saying that a surgeon isn't a doctor. And the commenter likened a primary care physician that diagnoses stomachaches to a general surgeon who operates on the stomach, but I must say that both a neurologist and a neurosurgeon specialize in neurology. I for one have actually been to a neurologist. The name on the office was like " [last name] Neurology" but he was a neurosurgeon. So, as much as I appreciate constructive criticism, that was a little much, especially considering the tone of the comment. It's one thing to say "Hey, just thought you'd like to know…." But that comment was kind of rude and I didn't really appreciate it. I have to say, I have posted many times on this website before and I've never received anything that I could even contort to be rude or condescending and I've already had two in this story. It's really discouraging I must say.

As for all of my offer WONDERFUL reviews, thank you sooo much!

So this chapter ended up being shorter than I expected, so that's why you guys are getting it so early. Well, that, and my amazing ability to procrastinate studying for the two exams I have tomorrow that will be followed by two tests for my online class. Now, I shall go force myself to study.

Enjoy….

Chapter 10: If You're Leaving

Meredith sat in the chair next to Michael's bed as he drifted in and out of sleep. Her eyes were focused on the window to the hallway, the blinds open and barely obscuring her view. She knew she probably shouldn't be watching, but she didn't really care. She was emotionally exhausted because she had just cried into him and confessed her fear to him, but he was standing out there talking to his fiancé like none of it had happened. She wasn't naïve enough to think that her breakdown was going to change the course of their lives, but she selfishly wished it at least affected him. Instead, he was acting like everything was okay and he was just talking to his fiancé about a business trip, instead of a trip of indefinite length to save his son's life. She didn't mean most of the things she had said to him out there, but she couldn't help but question if her and their kids really came in second now. Obviously they weren't – or at least she wasn't – as important as before the divorce, but now he has replacements. She was trying to ignore the parallels, but all she could think about was that Michael and Jackie were going to know almost their entire lives that they were replaced. At least she went nearly thirty years before she figured that out about herself.

They say you marry your father. She never knew that was a possibility for her since she didn't know her father, but apparently the cosmos worked against her. At least her mother didn't really love her father. When they got divorced and he left, she wasn't suffering from an immense amount of pain because the love of her life had just walked out the door. She was upset because her lover wouldn't leave his wife. Meredith on the other hand did have to watch her soul mate walk out the door when she spent the most of her life thinking soul mates didn't even exist. The world's irony really sucked. Part of her wished that she never let Derek convince her that love and happiness and forever actually existed. This whole divorced thing would be a lot easier. At least with her father she could tell herself that her father was replacing her mother and her sister just kind of came with it. She could tell herself that he didn't go seeking out a new daughter. But now, she knew Derek did go searching for a replacement. He wanted a wife that could be everything that she couldn't. She wasn't enough.

Watching them talk was painful enough. Watching him gently place an arm on her or touch her was excruciating. But none of it compared to when he leaned over to kiss her. It was short. Quick. Like a habit. It wasn't something he was supposed to be sharing with anyone other than her. A dark part of her wondered if she had done this to Addison. Addison had only been there for a week or so before Derek divorced her, but she was in Seattle for a little bit longer than that. She wondered if every time Derek had smiled at her, had it torn Addison's insides to pieces. Had she resented the ground Meredith walked on? Meredith couldn't begin to know what it was like for Addison to see that day in and day out when Meredith and Derek had been so affectionate, even at the hospital. They left and came in together every day that they could, holding hands and kissing goodbye. Had she stabbed Addison in the back so many times that she just eventually lost feeling?

The only good that Meredith could find in any of this was that she didn't live here. She didn't have to see this after today. She didn't have to come to their wedding or really ever see them again. Michael and Jackie could, but she didn't have to. They might not understand it now, but eventually they would.

In a darker part of her, all she could think about was that Derek was coming back to Seattle with her. To take care of the kid that he shared with her. From the marriage he shared with her. Not with Elizabeth. With her. In some twisted way, that almost made her feel better.

"Meredith?"

Her transfixed gaze finally left the window, moving quickly to the doorway, hoping that her visitor didn't know what she'd been staring at for the past ten minutes. "Oh, Helen, hi."

"I'm sorry for just dropping by," Helen said, once again running her hand through her short brown hair. Apparently Meredith had been right before. Nervous habit.

"No problem, having conscious company would be nice," Meredith said, smiling politely. For some reason, she felt inclined to like this woman. Not just because she was friends with Derek, but there was just something about it that Meredith wanted to trust.

"You know, they're like passing roads. They never cross or connect. They don't ever seem like they're on the same page. Besides, she's been married three times in the past seven years. That should say something," Helen offered, trying to be supportive of this woman. She was probably the only one in New York who knew how torn up Derek was when he first came here. She was the only one who knew how Derek still felt about Meredith.

"This will be Derek's third," Meredith answered absentmindedly. She'd already been found out, so there was no point in her forcing herself to stop staring at Derek as he interacted with his fiancé.

Helen shrugged. "Yeah, but he was married to Addison for ten years and to you for how long?"

"Eight years," she whispered.

"Big difference from what she does. It just doesn't make sense. She doesn't need the money. She shouldn't even have time for all the weddings and divorces when she has two kids, but whatever works for her."

Meredith nodded, "I guess."

Helen walked over to Meredith, "Look, Meredith." Meredith finally turned her eyes over to the woman, "I've known Derek for a long time. I knew him before Addison, during, and now I know him again. He was a mess when he came here. He's still a mess. He hides it, but some days he just can't."

Meredith nodded, but she didn't really believe it. She didn't want to. It was easier to hate Derek and his stupid fiancé. Anger was easier to deal with. Better yet, denial. She could just ignore that the state of New York existed. Then none of it would matter.

"He missed a week of work. Wouldn't answer any phones or the door. When he came back, it took me two more weeks to get him to tell me why he had disappeared. He said it was your anniversary. He said you guys always took that week off and spent it together. He said he just couldn't handle reality that week."

A tear escaped and Meredith's hand immediately moved to hide the evidence before she turned away, crossing her arms on her chest and fixing her gaze on her son. She didn't want to deal with this or think about it even though it was coming at her in a thousand different directions. Despite any of her attempts, the memory of remaining in her bed for a week the past few years kept coming to her mind. She couldn't deal with the fact that neither of them could handle that week. She didn't know what it meant and her mind couldn't process the possibilities.

Helen sighed, running her hair through her hair again. "I know this isn't any of my business, but I just felt like you were missing some of the details. Feel free to tell me to shut up whenever you want me to. I can get kind of nosey."

"It's okay."

Helen didn't move at first, but Meredith's gaze returned to Derek and Elizabeth, watching as Derek kissed her once more before Elizabeth turned to walk in the opposite direction. Derek just stood there, watching her leave and for the millionth time, a part of Meredith wished she knew what he was thinking. Only a part of her, though, because the other part knew that whatever he was thinking would probably only break her heart a little bit more.

Helen silently left the room, hoping Derek wouldn't realize that she had been there to begin with. She really didn't feel like having him attack her for saying anything to Meredith. Luckily enough for her, they were both so far into their own minds that they barely noticed her at all.

A few minutes passed before Derek returned to his son's room as he was intercepted by an intern with discharge papers. He smiled slightly at Meredith, hoping that her mood was back to normal. She barely acknowledged him, so he left her alone, instead sitting down on the other chair in the room. He filled out the papers without really even looking at them. Even though he was used to filling out the doctor part of these papers, they were so familiar to him he could fill out the patient side in his sleep.

"Are we going to make our flight?" Meredith finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Derek looked at his watch, "Yeah. I need to go home a get Jackie. Ms. Jacobs next door is expecting a dinner party and I think one of the requirements for entrance is to be over ten years old."

"Okay," Meredith nodded."

"We'll get into Seattle really early in the morning. Hopefully we can sleep on the plane so our schedules won't be too messed up. We can either go straight to the hospital or back to the house first. It's up to you," Derek said, signed his name in the last spot before standing back up.

"We can decide when we get there."

He nodded. "Right, well, I'll go drop these off at the nurse's station and then I'll go grab Jackie and back a bag. I should be back in an hour. Hour and a half tops. Will you be okay here?"

Meredith nodded, pulling her legs up on the chair and wrapping her arms around herself. He wanted to comfort her, but he wasn't sure he could do anything to help her. At this point, he could read her well enough to know she just wanted him to leave her alone.

"Right. Well, I'll be back soon. Maybe you should try to take a nap or something." Derek turned around after saying the words, looked at her, but she didn't seem to have heard him. She was in her own world and he no longer had claim on any land there.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Just to let you know, half the stuff Meredith speculates about in the beginning so isn't true, but it's what she thinks. Just remember that there is a difference in truth and what she thinks from her vantage point. Things can be very different from the other side.

Once again, no editing. Forgive me :)