AN: Sadie says - Thank you for your very kind wishes regarding my sister. After her 3rd treatment, she's still got a smile on her face that we hope she doesn't lose. Blue - As always, thank you for your very awesome reviews, we so love hearing from you and love writing this for you. Our awesome beta, Shinata-Riyoko is super awesome and we are super grateful for everything she does. We'd say more but I'm laying on my side listening to adorable rugrats fight over my Kindle and I don't want to move to type in a more comfortable position. That is all.

Chapter Ten: Living Like You're Dying Isn't Living At All

Callie didn't question her early release nor the odd, sad silence between Arizona and Mark. She was too relieved to be leaving the hospital and the idea of uninterrupted sleep and relaxation. The privacy her apartment would secure made her antsy in anticipation. She didn't even question Arizona as she loaded her into the car making sure she was comfortable with enough fluids to hydrate a small nation for the short two second drive.

While they were waiting to exit the long line of cars with departing and arriving patients, Callie started to succumb to the exhaustion of her own departure as the excitement of her leaving the hospital finally burned up, leaving her feeling lethargic. Sitting in the front seat of Arizona's SUV, the visor pulled down, she stared at the reflection of Mark and Teddy standing on the sidewalk in front of the main doors of the hospital. They both raised their hands in a slight wave, their faces a mournful look of despair. She raised her own hand out of the window, a more enthusiastic wave with underlying joy behind it for her release. As they moved down the line of cars, just as her friends were moving out of sight, she watched Teddy collapse into Mark's arms, his own face completely destroyed with grief. She went to question their absolute dismay at her release, why they were acting as if she were dying today, and then it hit her, Mark and Teddy were saying goodbye. For Callie, this release was a blessing, but for her friends, it was the end. They didn't fix her. They didn't cure her. And now they were letting her go home to live out her final days and instead of giving her a moment's grief over it, they had pasted on their cheerful grins and let her go. God, they were letting her go. She looked over at Arizona, her own face set in a stone expression, staring forward at the cars before them, waiting their turn. She watched Arizona, memorizing her face, her features, wanting every second left with her to be the best until the worst was the only option. Slowly the exhaustion of the day took over and she fell silent in her seat. Closing her eyes against her will, a quiet snore filled the car as Arizona pulled out of the hospital, turning left instead of right, leaving any chance Callie had behind in that hospital and taking her own chance from here on out.

Arizona couldn't help but smile at the gentle snore which turned into a small snort as the vehicle rolled over a pothole in the road. Arizona took a quick glance to make sure Callie was all right. Her face was relaxed and peaceful as she watched her breathing gently. Getting out of the hospital had lifted Callie's spirit already, however her own face darkened as she remembered her warning.

Footstep after footstep seemed to penetrate the fog of her thoughts as she sat, hunched over in the chair staring aimlessly at the floor. With her hands writhing together as she watched the shiny surface reflecting blurred images of the people scuttling past, her head almost snapped when she heard the door open. Looking up with fear and sadness in her eyes, she watched the woman step out of her office and straighten her lab coat.

Tight curly hair bounced as she flicked her head up, her eyes making contact with the blonde who sat across from the room looking ready to pounce at her. Intense blue eyes burned into green as the recollection passed over her like a wave. Silently, she returned her hand to the door of her office and reopened it, standing to the side and gesturing with her free hand for the blonde to enter.

Arizona quickly stood and hurried across the corridor, giving the woman a silent nod as she passed her. Dr. Emory, closed the door and re-entered her room. Rounding her desk, she sat and took in the other doctor's face – sadness, unfortunately an emotion she knew too well in her speciality.

"Dr. Robbins…"

"Before you start the patient confidentiality stuff, just hear me out as…" Arizona rushed the words from her mouth, but faltered as the woman placed a gentle hand over her hand that she had unintentionally banged against the table expecting a fight.

"Doctor Sloan has already given me permission, as Callie's medical power of attorney, to discuss anything with you." Doctor Emory smiled gently trying to calm the other woman.

"Callie wants to leave and I- I want to take Callie away from here, she's had enough." Arizona let the words spill from her mouth before her brain could stop them.

"As a doctor I know you know what that means, what that will entail." She waited a beat for Arizona to nod in response. "But as a loved one, do you really understand what you are asking? What you are going to have to deal with?" Dr. Emory kept her voice soft as she would for any patient's family, because titles aside, Arizona Robbins was just that, Callie Torres' family.

"The treatment isn't working, it isn't shrinking the tumours anymore… she just wants out of the hospital. She's in pain all the time, and the stress of being stuck in here is doing her no good." Arizona's voice wavered, she knew exactly what she was asking, that she would indeed be watching Callie live out the last of her days. It was Callie's wish, she hadn't been there to support her through her fight, but she was here now, and she would do whatever Callie asked of her.

"Dr. Robbins…"

"Arizona, call me Arizona." She looked up into the sympathetic eyes, Arizona was relinquishing the doctor in her. "Look, be straight with me. Don't sugarcoat it... is there nothing left that can be done?" The sentence choked her as she spoke the words.

Arizona watched as Dr. Emory sadly shook her head. "We've exhausted every avenue. There's always a risk with chemo when treating the original cancer that the cancer will develop somewhere else, and unfortunately it came back aggressive. The radiation had been slowing the tumour growth on her lung, but that's starting to be less effective as well, eventually that will restrict her breathing. Surgery on the spinal tumour would normally be the treatment plan, but it's so entangled and risky, and Callie…" The oncologist was cut off by the sad and whispered voice from across the desk.

"She's refusing anymore treatment, isn't she?"

"She didn't want to risk permanent paralysis and be anymore of a burden to anyone." She closed her eyes and took a breath trying to gather in her own emotions. "She knows what it means, I know she… Arizona, she just wants to live what life she has left and we have to respect her wishes. We're here to make her as comfortable as she can be, that's our goal here." She paused giving Arizona a moment to absorb the new information she'd been given. "I'm sorry."

Arizona sighed, wiping at her wet cheeks. "She wants to go home. I want to take her home." Because that was all they had left and Arizona was going to do it, with or without her doctor on board.

"If that's what she wants then you know I can't stop her. It's against my recommendations, but if she wants to leave the hospital, I'll get the discharge papers ready." Dr. Emory looked into glistening eyes, she could see that deep down the doctor side was fighting - matters of the brain and heart. "Arizona, be aware that the tumor on her spine, as it grows, can bring on sensory changes, numbness, tingling, decreased sensitivity to temperature or cold sensations. There can be a loss in control of motor functions, loss of control over bowel or bladder function. And of course back pain, constant pain that can be hard to pin point. That's a lot for you to take on, here she has a constant flow of people and medicine to help."

"I can do this." She spoke loudly, pushing the words out abruptly. Was she trying to make Dr. Emory believe her or was she trying to make herself believe? "Callie just wants to go home."

As the car came to a stop and Arizona turned off the engine, Callie slowly came to from her slumber.

"Oh man," Callie yawned and stretched out her legs with a groan. She lifted her body off the seat as her feet came into contact with the front of the car once her long legs were fully stretched in the short space of the car. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep for those five minutes," she rubbed at her eyes heavy with sleep. "Although it feels like I've been out for a good forty-five." She yawned and rubbed at her eyes.

"An hour." Arizona answered absently as she stared straight ahead where she'd been frozen in her spot for the past half an hour trying to convince herself she was doing the right thing here.

"An hour? What did you do, drive around the city as if I'm a child that can only sleep with the car's engine on?" Callie joked as she finally took in her surroundings. "Um Arizona, where are we, and since when is my apartment surrounded by trees?"

Arizona smiled as she listened to Callie. Even just an hour out of the hospital added perk to her voice she hadn't had in probably longer than Arizona even knew and she took great comfort in that. "I only drove around for an extra thirty minutes. You were so deep in sleep I decided to take in the surroundings and give you some time to wake up on your own." She explained.

"That doesn't explain the trees. Buildings, cement and brick, yes, but there are no trees within eyeshot of my apartment."

"Oh that." Arizona leaned over the center and kissed Callie's cheek while releasing her seatbelt. "I decided you, well we, needed some time away from everything. You can't sit out on your roof and absorb the sun without the sound pollution of the city doing more harm than good, so I called up a friend owing me a favor and this is ours as long as we need it." She pointed at the medium sized cottage sitting about twenty yards from the coastline.

"You mean until I die." Callie snorted a defeated resignation.

"Let's not borrow trouble. We're here to relax, recoup, some time just for us." Arizona evacuated the car before Callie could witness the pain that her honesty caused. She walked back behind the car taking a few moments to steady her racing heart and blink back the tears that were threatening to fall. She had to be strong for Callie. She opened the hatch of the SUV, riffling through the groceries she'd collected along with their belongings while she tried to calm herself. When she saw Callie begin to right herself to exit the car, she raced to the passenger side and helped Callie out, leading her toward the front door.

Avoiding souring the mood anymore than her last statement already had, Callie let herself be led into the cottage and then sunroom off the back of the house. She hadn't meant it, it had just came tumbling out of her mouth before her brain had a chance to stop it. "We'll take a tour once I unload the car and get us settled, but for now the sun in here will do you some good. I'll make it quick, will you be okay?" Arizona asked, worry edging her voice over the uncharacteristically quiet.

"I'm good. I'm good." Callie spoke breathlessly, the trip from the car to her current position had knocked the wind out of her sails.

Arizona watched as Callie tried to steady her breathing, panic in both of their eyes. "I'll be fine, go do what you need to do."

Feeling torn, Arizona teetered back and forth. She didn't want to leave Callie while she was in this state, but at the same time she didn't want to hover and worry Callie into her using those same false pretenses with her. Damn it, why did it have to be so damn difficult?

"Arizona..." Callie started to lecture her. She had pushed her limits and knew it, but she'd calm down and she didn't want Arizona stressing out over her. They were both supposed to relax.

Arizona watched the flare of annoyance across Callie's face and took pleasure in such little things about getting to spend this time together. She wanted to annoy each other, she wanted to argue and sometimes fight, to cuddle and to love each other and to experience everything they'd lost over the course of the past three years. Smiling, she took a few steps to close the gap between them and kissed Callie on the cheek. "I'll be quick."

She got about halfway to the door when she heard Callie calling after her.

"Yes?" She popped her head back into the sunroom, relieved there was a smile on Callie's face even if she still was trying to catch her breath.

"There will come a time when I'll get more than you kissing me on the cheek again, right?" Callie looked up at her with hope shining from her eyes, the first real sense of security in her voice. She smiled as Arizona smiled and they both got momentarily lost in each other's happiness.

"You betcha." She continued grinning as she backtracked toward the door.

Reaching for the handle, Arizona paused. For weeks now she'd been feeling every single emotion under the sun, often times refusing to succumb to any of them, but at that very second she had the nagging need to just fall. To allow herself the ability to just feel. She turned from the door and, tripping over her own feet, raced back to the sunroom.

Callie's death grip on the chair arms no longer whitened her knuckles, her chest taking slow and easy breaths, a sense of calm filled the room as she returned to normal.

"I'm good, Arizona. I told you..." She didn't finish her sentence as two cold hands cupped her cheeks, blue eyes shining in the afternoon sun sparkling with love stared deep into her own, and lips as soft as velvet captured her mouth.

Arizona's heart beat erratically and, for a moment, she wasn't sure which of them should be hooked up to a heart monitor. As Callie's hands came up to circle her wrists, a small moan left those plump, swollen lips, and Arizona, almost crazed by a sound she never thought she'd hear again, almost threw caution into the wind and took Callie right then and there. It was the labored panting from the woman she hovered over that brought her back to reality.

"I'm sorry." She was wracked with guilt as Callie sat there, once again, completely out of breath. Watching her take in deep breaths, filling her lungs, looking as if she were suffering, tears started falling down her cheeks and staining her white cotton blouse with stains of diluted mascara blotches. "I'm so sorry."

Rich laughter filled the air as Callie let go and wiped at the falling tears. "Oh god, don't you dare apologize for that." She shook her head and glared a less than serious look into Arizona's eyes. "That... that was amazing, thank you."

Standing back up, Arizona gave her a confused look. "Thank you?"

Still laughing, though not as hard, Callie's face took on a huge grin. "Yeah, thank you. That... you kissed me for real. Not one of those cheek kisses or forehead kisses that make me feel sick or like I'm ten years old, but for thirty seconds, I didn't feel sick or like you were humoring me. You kissed me like you wanted me. I..." She grew quiet, a bit sad, but still honest. "I haven't felt desirable in a very long time, so thank you."

Wanting nothing more than to bring back that smile, Arizona leaned in one more time and let herself go. As their lips met again, Arizona put everything she was feeling behind the kiss. When she sucked Callie's bottom lip deep inside, she felt a warm tongue flick against the crest of her mouth. It was all the invitation she needed and their tongues began a welcome dance in the heat of passion. Both women moaning in satisfaction until this time, Arizona found herself breathless, panting in want, desire, and need. If she stayed like this, they'd be in trouble. There was much to talk about before they found themselves acting on their building passion so for now, this had to be it.

She pulled back, leaning her forehead against Callie's as she sucked in large quantities of air into her lungs. Callie laughed as Arizona's labored breathing was worse than her own.

"Thank you." Arizona whispered, grabbing one last quick peck before she stepped back completely. "I'll be back. Quickly." She smiled and once again, tripping over her feet, took off for the door this time before she decided to screw talking and just screw Callie.

The sunroom was perfect, and not because it was all windows with just enough tree cover to cut the harsh rays of the sun to allow the most gentle and beautiful rays of light into the room, but because Callie was in there. It took Arizona about forty-five minutes to sort everything out and when she ventured to find Callie, the sight took her breath away. "See, a little sun, a little privacy and you're already perking up." Instead of opening her eyes, Callie tipped her head back another few inches, bathing in the warmth of the sun's rays, the smile gracing her face now a wide grin.

It was in that very second that Arizona found herself in dangerous waters. Her mind wandered forward to another time, another place. They were both sitting on a picnic blanket, cold bottles of water in hand as they watched a small child dancing off in the distance. Under the big oak, they enjoyed the gentle breeze of the afternoon, the shade offered by her big, lengthy branches and full leaves welcoming against the bright sun of the afternoon. She was in heaven, the little girl, as she danced in circles. Her arms spread wide, head tipped back toward the sun, the gleeful laughter, and screams of joy, and Arizona didn't know of another time where she'd been so happy. She caught Callie's eye, the smile of understanding the importance of the moment passed between them. Shielding their own eyes from the sharp rays, they looked out as their attention was drawn by the excited squeals and calls across the field. "Mommy. Mama. Look, I'm a butterfly." She was giggling so hard it was intoxicating. Spinning in circles, her head still thrown back and absorbing everything the sun had to offer, Arizona's eyes pricked with tears. She'd seen that look before, that exact face.

The pain of reality was paralyzing as she came back to the here and now.

"Arizona, are you okay?" Callie's face creased with concern as she watched tears fill those beautiful blue eyes.

Shaking the vicious thoughts from her head, Arizona smiled sadly at Callie. Dreams obviously change, and she had no idea that one was buried so deep inside. Dreams might change, but the reality of their situation wasn't going to, there would be no children in their future, and as it stood, there would be no them in their future either.

"I'm fine. I'm good."

Callie tilted her head to the side, studying the woman across the room. She didn't believe a single word out of her mouth, but the look of desperation on her face told Callie this wasn't the time to question her. They'd have time to talk. God she prayed they'd have time to talk.

Feeling restless as Arizona cooked, Callie wandered around the cottage, taking in the glorious views from almost every side. Arizona's plan for a relaxing setting was spot on here and Callie could already see days out on the beach soaking up the vitamin D offered by the sun, the peace from the constant interruptions of visitors, spending time with Arizona.

"I made something easy for tonight, just some lightly marinated chicken, some fresh greens, and some mashed potatoes. Eat what you can." Arizona put two plates on the table as Callie made her way over.

Stopping at the kitchen to grab some bottled water, Callie spotted a crockpot already at work. "What's in here?"

"Just a stew recipe, supposed to slow cook for twenty-four hours so dinner for tomorrow is already taken care of, too."

Callie smiled and joined Arizona at the table. She was being so domestic and it meant the world to Callie, Arizona giving them this time, whatever this time meant for them. They never got much of the joys of living together before everything fell apart and with surgeon schedules, if they found time to eat together, they were one of the lucky ones. There'd been no vacations for them to just relax in each other's company nor experience the valuable time togetherness brought with it. Arizona had even gone so far to set the table, no TV trays or eating at the breakfast bar. It was intimate and lovely and Callie was eternally grateful for everything.

"You're staring." Arizona had already cut up her entire meal and Callie was still sitting there with a goofy grin on her face not having touched a thing.

"Thank you."

"For what? Dinner? I can do better, but it's already late and I wanted to see what you could handle. Those antibiotics tore up your stomach and you haven't been off of them long enough for there to be a remarkable difference." Of course Arizona would take that into consideration and it only caused Callie's heart to swell even more.

"I switched to pills with this morning's dose, it's the IV ones that made me sick. I'm even a little hungry." She smiled and dipped her fork into her mashed potatoes taking a heaping helping into her mouth.

"Just don't overdo it, please. I have enough food in here to last a lifetime so anytime you are hungry, whatever you want, I probably have." She wasn't sure what she said, but Callie's face fell immediately and she looked away only focusing on cutting up her chicken. Arizona thought hard, they were talking about food, what could make Callie so sad so quickly?

"Callie, I'm sorry." She apologized as it hit her. A lifetime.

"No, it's okay. I've already accepted a lifetime means different things for different people. My days are just more numbered than most. I've accepted that."

"Callie..."

"This chicken is really good. The lime and cilantro really play well together outside of seafood recipes." Callie looked up and found Arizona was still staring at her with concerned etched across her face. "Anyway, thank you for doing this. The short time away from the hospital already has done some good. I mean, I'm still weak and feel like shit, but it's nice not having a bunch of people examining your every move, questioning you every time you groan, and poking you like it was their job."

"It is their job. Nurses kind of get paid for that so we don't have to." Arizona teased. Callie obviously needed an easy night, one without drama and confrontations and anything else that they probably had to explore, and she'd give her just that. She'd give her whatever she wanted.

Callie smiled easily and continued to pick at her meal. "Remind me in my next life not to come back as a nurse, their job is too hard. Maybe a singer. That sounds fun."

Arizona laughed, gaining a teasing glare from Callie. "You can't sing a lick, Callie." She reminded her.

The glare melted into a sultry look, she took a moment before grabbing the mashed potato spoon and carefully licking off every remaining speck. "Oh, but I can lick something good." She smiled, flicking her tongue against the metal one last time, content in her actions when she watched a soft blush creep up from Arizona's collar.

"Calliope Torres, eat your meal before it gets cold." Arizona scolded through a choked cough.

The rest of dinner went off without a hitch as Arizona cleaned off her plate and Callie stayed around to toy with the food on her own. She'd eaten enough to satisfy Arizona's doctoring instincts and so far there'd been no mad dash for the bathroom, which was comforting for both involved.

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

"But what if I get cold?"

With a knowing grin, Arizona motioned toward the end of the bed. "There are three extra blankets there if you get cold."

"But it's too quiet, what if I can't sleep without all of the monitors making those damn beeping sounds? It'll get lonely." She went another avenue thinking she stumped Arizona this time.

Grabbing for Callie's phone, Arizona smiled as she keyed some of the buttons, waited a beat, and handed it back to Callie. "Just plug your phone in and they'll play until you turn it off or set a snooze."

"Hospital sounds app? Are you kidding me?" She couldn't help but laugh, it seemed like Arizona had an answer for everything. Sighing, she thought she was out of whines and then she smiled as the thought came to her. "But what if I can't sleep without being woken up every thirty minutes by somebody coming in my room?" Of course Arizona would rather stay with her than have to wake up every thirty minutes to make that happen.

Taking the phone back, Arizona again keyed the buttons, another huge grin on her face. "They're set to go off every thirty minutes ending at eight."

Feeling defeated, Callie tried one more thing. "But what if I get too hot?"

Arizona laughed long and hard. "Then without me here you can get stark naked and cool yourself down." She walked over to the bed and kissed Callie's forehead. "Goodnight, Calliope."

"I'd rather be naked with you doing something on the down." Callie mumbled under her breath as the door closed, but Arizona still caught it and smiled to herself on the way out.

She made it ten steps from the closed door when she heard not one, but two pillows land against it as Callie had a mini-tantrum. They were not sleeping together; not with so many unanswered questions, so much to talk about, and not when there was no question that it would lead to something more regardless of how sick Callie was feeling.

Arizona read three chapters, two periodicals, and sent off half a dozen emails before her brain could turn off and find peace in sleep well after one in the morning. She only hoped Callie had succumbed to sleep much earlier. She hadn't been out that long when she heard a crashing sound followed by violent heaving and heartbreaking sobs. Her heart raced so fast, it was painful, out of breath, her lungs laboring for oxygen, and her foot throbbing from where she slammed it into the corner of the bed, Arizona stopped dead in the doorway of the bathroom where she found Callie hunched over the toilet, her body looking broken as she continued throwing up and crying.

"Oh Sweetie." Arizona was kneeling next to her, a cold wash rag being draped across her neck, and soothingly rubbing before Callie even realized she was no longer alone.

"I tried." She lifted her head up from the toilet. "I really tried."

"I know." Arizona continued rubbing her back. "But you don't have to try, Callie. Just let it out, you'll feel better." Callie's admission brought bucket loads of guilt with it for Arizona. She did not want Callie pretending on her behalf; this was about her recuperating, not about her humoring Arizona's worries.

A few more minutes passed as Callie finished emptying her stomach before either spoke again. "What if I get sick?" She asked, her voice broken between quiet sobs.

Helping Callie off the floor, Arizona sat her down on the closed toilet and filled the sink basin with warm water, grabbing more wash rags, some dry towels, and body soap before returning to her side. She was sweating up a storm, her fever probably about 100°F if Arizona had to guess.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Arizona spoke softly, helping Callie disrobe in the softly lit room. She repeated the same words she'd said over and over and over again throughout Callie's time in the hospital, the same actions almost now like a habit, a dance, an intricate waltz they'd practiced into perfection with years of study, not merely the matter of days they'd really been at this.

Taking her time, she washed Callie's sweat ridden body, careful to keep eye contact to give her a sense of modesty Arizona knew from the past several days that this simple act took away from her. Callie was clearly very exhausted from the episode, void of all energy and simply sat completely stationary as Arizona gently washed her down. Chilled skin followed the path of the wet cloth as Arizona washed the sweat away, only taking time away to re-wet and soap the rag before tackling another body part. There was now a quiet understanding between them as she wiped the cloth against parts of Callie she'd once worshiped in the same slow, gentle speed, except the intimacy of the act was one without a sexual nature any longer. It wasn't the first time she'd done this since her return, although there was no trepidation on either part any longer as she took gentle care making certain to only show Callie the utmost respect in such a dispraising moment for someone once so strong and confident.

Without words, Arizona re-soaked the cloth and handed it to Callie for the finishing touches, turning for the towels to give her a moment of privacy. Even though this destroyed Callie's self esteem, being unable to handle even the simplest task of cleaning herself properly, they'd come a long way in a short time as Arizona started out having to take charge of the entire bathing routine, private touches and all. The first time they went through this dance, Callie broke down afterwards, sobbing almost uncontrollably at the sheer embarrassment of it all. Nothing Arizona said or did could calm her, and she ended up crying herself to sleep in Arizona's arms that night, the two of them squished into the small hospital bed together. The next time, she simply closed her eyes while Arizona took such great care of her, but even then, she cried silently the entire time. Once Callie finished, Arizona gently dried her down, helped her change into a pair of light cotton shorts and tee-shirt and they both made their way back into Callie's room.

Pulling up a second blanket to help warm out the chills, Arizona climbed in behind Callie, cradling her tight. "What are you doing?" She asked through a yawn.

"What if you get sick?" Arizona tucked Callie's head under her chin and started gently rocking her.