Chapter 10: I Never Wanted
"You're not the only one in this situation," I jump out of my skin at the voice behind me. I turn my head to see Kaji sitting in the chair next to the bed with arms crossed, "Most of the country is still in the trance."
"Wait, what?" I finally broke my personal silence, "So, you know what happened?"
"Yes, unfortunately, I do. To be completely honest with you, we've known of the second Deviant for some time now; about a day. It's been orbiting Earth since we first spotted it, and as of ten hours ago, it shot a massive EMP down to us. We're not sure how, but it caused all of us to go into a trance like state. Between you and I, that was the first circle of hell; Limbo. In Limbo, the sinners are forced to watch their downfalls over and over for eternity – that was just a taste of it. Anyone that was strong enough to break away from it already has… hopefully more do so soon," wait, they knew about that Deviant?
"You weren't seeing if I could still pilot…" he breaks eye contact with me, reassuring my suspicions, "You were going to send me into battle! Are you serious? I haven't so much as seen an Eva in three years!"
"You had the highest sync rate! We had no choice!" for the first time for as long as I've known him, he raises his voice to me, "You see what happens when we ignore these things? We're lucky that an N2 Mine was able to take it out! NERV has no choice but to start its operations again, and you're a part of it now," a coat of silence fell over the room, both of us feeling awkward at what just occurred.
"So… how are the others?"
"Shinji snapped out of it first, then Rits, then me, and the rest of the NERV staff soon followed suit. A few of them are in rooms like this – one of them being Rei. She's gotten to the point where we've had to restrain her, but she calmed down a little this past hour, so we think she'll come out of it soon. Like I said, most of the nation is experiencing this. We're not sure how many fatalities have occurred yet, but Japan seems to be the only area affected by this. Now get up, we have work to do. There are some clothes in the bathroom, meet me in the hallway," he stands up and walks out, leaving me alone. Following his orders, I stand up and walk towards the bathroom.
So he wasn't making all that up… the concept of Limbo seems to make perfect sense, considering the circumstances. Jesus, if that was only the first level – or circle? – of hell, I can't imagine what the others would be like… are we going to have to experience each and every one of them? I suppose I should have seen that coming. After all, I've been through more odd things in my life. I guess the best I can hope for is that each of the Deviants doesn't have that power… after dressing myself in the clothes that I wore here in the first place, I walk out to see Kaji and an obviously worried looking Shinji waiting for me.
"How are you?" Shinji immediately spoke to me, looking almost anxious at the action.
"Me? Oh, I'm fine, just a little shaken up," that was the understatement of the century… I'm still trying to get my heart to slow down. The image of the last vision keeps replaying in my mind, and I can't stand it, "You?"
"Fine, fine, same as you. Sorry for not telling you the whole situation, I never approved of you entering an Eva, the plan wasn't for you to fight," he glares over at Kaji.
"Hey, we needed to do something! You and Gendo were just ignoring the elephant in the room, so Rits and I just decided to-" Shinji holds up a hand, cutting Kaji off.
"I don't want to hear it. Pull something like that again and I have absolutely no issues with lowering your clearance, got it?" Kaji only keeps silent, "Now, Asuka, as much as I hate to do this, you need to learn the new controls of Eva before the next Deviant shows up. If Kaji's hunch is right, then Lust will be next, and since we know so little about this whole situation, we have to be ready for anything. I'll be piloting too, so you won't be alone," I really don't think I can get in that entry plug again… I'm sure he sensed my hesitance, but if he did, he ignored it, "Before that though, let's at least get something to eat," I was finally met with a warm smile of his.
"What time is it?" the lack of clocks and windows around here made it impossible for me to even guess.
"Two AM, so I think we should get breakfast, don't you?"
"I'll be in the control room with Rits," in a cold voice, Kaji leaves Shinji and I standing alone.
"How are you being so calm about this? And with Rei still in the trance…" he leaned up against the wall, looking down at the floor as he put his hands in his pockets.
"Well, I've always thought that we need to stay positive in these times, so we might as well at least eat, you know? And as for Rei, she's stable, so I'm not too worried… what I am worried about is you. We all had our little sins to go through, but you… I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm sure that yours was particularly bad, am I right?" I didn't even have to answer, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah… just… it doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it. Let's go," he smiles weakly as he begins to walk, guiding the way for me, "How was yours?"
"Nothing too bad. Honestly, it was more of a joke than anything else… it did make me realize a few things though. It was actually a positive thing in my opinion, even if I do still have a blasting headache!" well at least he had a good time…
"Okay, Shinji, I think we need to talk about something," he apparently knew exactly what I was talking about, as he chimed in almost instantly. I really want to know a little more about these Deviants – something tells me he's not giving the whole story.
"Yeah, I know, I know… listen, you know that I'm in a relationship with Rei, but we obviously can't keep beating around the bush like this," um… "I mean, that was the second time something like that happened, and I doubt it'll be the last. I can tell Rei is starting to catch on to what little is going on – she's not a stupid woman after all," I suppose this is what happens when people jump to conclusions, "So, I guess it's up to me to make the move… if I leave her, would you be with me?"
"Well," I put on a small smile, partly because of the situation as a whole, and partly because of pure happiness, "For one, I was talking about the Deviants, so nice speech, but off topic. Secondly, I'm not going to just take you from Rei, it's not fair to her," I decided to leave out the part of her assaulting me, "Sorry."
"Oh… well, this is awkward, huh?" he has no idea how much I wanted to say yes, but I just wouldn't feel right doing that, "Okay then, Deviants… well, from what we know of them, they each represent a circle of Hell. That original bird – Sirus, I think Kaji calls it – was the guardian to Hell, and this new Deviant, one we have dubbed Nemo, represented the first circle… honestly, that's all we know."
"Nemo?" wasn't that a fish?
"Yeah, it's Latin for 'Nothing' – we labeled it this because of the nature of the first circle. But, like I've said before, all of this is just theory. For all we know, these things are still angels that have yet to reveal themselves… of course, there really would be no reason for them to wait this long, so I have no idea. Regardless, we still need to handle them accordingly, so I suppose it doesn't really matter," yeah, that told me nothing new! Once he finished, an awkward silence fell over us as we both continued to think about his previous small speech.
"You realize Rei loves you," he let out a long sigh before continuing on.
"What I realize is that she needs someone to be with. I don't feel like she's actually capable of loving, you know? She's just too distant. Plus, we've both made it pretty clear that what we have is essentially a physical relationship, nothing more," that's not what she thinks at all, "Which… is why I brought that up."
"Well, if she's not capable of loving, then she's quite capable of jealousy. I got chewed out by her because of how you and I have been around each other recently. Listen Shinji, I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't want to be with you, but really, what's the point? What will change between us? So we get to have the physical aspect of a relationship, big deal – we already have the emotional," I didn't mean for it to come out that way at all…
"That's my problem though, if we continue what we're doing, Rei will just be hurt worse in the long run. While her view of relationships is quite skewed, I do agree with the fact that emotional affairs are much more serious than physical affairs," this whole groveling thing doesn't suit him too well, I must say.
"Shinji, let's just drop it. Maybe later, when the circumstances are different, but not now, okay?" he really is making this more than it needs to be.
"Okay, sorry, didn't mean to impose," as he finished the statement, we arrived in a long room with small openings, like the ones that dispense soda out of a machine, all along the wall, each with a menu above it, "Well, something tells me that we won't have any cooks on duty right now, so you'll have to order one of the instant meals," leading the way, he approached one of the openings, pressed a button next to one of the items on the menu, and took hold of the Styrofoam cup that plopped down.
"Is it all automated like this?" sure, the technology was fairly old, but you still don't see this very often.
"For the most part, yeah. Down at the end you can order from real cooks, but that's obviously not in service right now. Plus, I prefer this anyway, reminds me of living with Misato! Now hurry up and order something, I'm starving."
While we did eat and exchange a few conversations in the process, I could hardly think of anything but the short exchange we had about the whole relationship between him and I. Maybe I should take him up on it – after all, Rei doesn't appreciate him at all! All she uses him for is a crutch for her own problems, and the occasional sex doll. That's no way a woman should be in a relationship… of course, who am I to talk? I'm the one that just got done seeing herself sell her body… but that's aside from the point! I'd treat him great, and I wouldn't disrespect him the way she does. But still, who am I to say how she should treat him? After all, he's the one that chose her in the first place; if he didn't like it, they would have broken up years ago, so she must be doing something right… right?
And plus, does he really even know me? I mean sure, he absolutely knew me years ago, and I would understand this all perfectly if I was still the way I used to be, but I've become much more… passive would be a good word, but in my opinion, I've become weak. I bet anything he's just in love with the old Asuka, which is perfectly fine, except for the fact that, unfortunately, she's gone. I'd love to go back to the way I was, but hell, I just can't seem to get back into the swing of it. Those years of submission, as the man said, have grown so deep in me. I bet Shinji is just falling for the old Asuka, and once he gets to know the present me more, he'll come to realize that I'm not the same as I used to be… even though I may change again. And hey, by Rei's own appeal, there's nothing stopping us from enjoying the finer things in life, now is there? But who am I kidding? We both know that we wouldn't be able to keep it only a physical relationship, and if he's trying to avoid an emotional one, I'm not entirely sure how he plans on doing that exactly. This is especially true seeing as we live together and are forced to see one another every day.
When we finished eating, Shinji led me to yet another new part of NERV – the command room. It was essentially a fairly large room with a massive window in the front that overlooked absolutely everything; engineering, battle information, research, and a few other things I didn't really recognize. Seeing NERV like this was more than a little unnerving.
A/N – ba-dum, shhh
When we got there, Gendo was looking out at the bleak artificial landscape, occasionally broken by a single person making their way across one of the sectors. He kept his usual stance, all firm and in charge, but at the same time, there was this aura of dread surrounding him… why is he all depressed? I mean, these people will be coming out of their trances eventually, right?
"This was the first large scale attack conducted by any angel or deviant… I can only pray the rest of them aren't this powerful," Gendo spoke to us as we stopped about five feet behind him, "How are you," he turns and looks at me, "Soryu?"
"Me? Oh, I-I'm fine, just a little shaken up. So, you believe in the whole deviant thing too?" he raised an eyebrow, almost as if he was offended by the very question. He glanced down at my arms, noticing the set of four faint lines going down them.
"Tell me Miss Soryu, how was your experience? It must have been something quite painful to cause you to do that to yourself, no?" how did he know I got these from the deviant?
"Father, stop, this isn't the time."
"No Shinji, I'd like to know," Gendo approaches me and stares me down, sending shivers down my spine, "You think some imaginary being caused this?" he grabs my wrist and holds it up, "Let me tell you something – when God has given up on us, there is only the other side to take care of us. This is the result," he releases my arm and turns back around, taking his place back as the observer of NERV, "What did you see Asuka, hm?"
"Gendo," Shinji cut in, to no avail.
"Turning tricks for next to nothing? You hitting up with some needle you found on the ground? Or did you see something that may be less painful to you – back when you were a child? Maybe the countless night you made Misato stay up crying, or the broken hearts you left waiting in line. Am I getting warmer?" I clench my jaw as I try to hold back any form of emotion.
"You're sick…" I was finally able to muster at least some form of audible language.
"And you're tainted. Shinji begged me to allow you back in here, and the first thing you do is destroy one of the most valuable pieces of equipment known to man," what is he talking about? The brief amount of silence was his response, and he, too, had an answer for it, "What has Shinji not told you yet?"
"Gendo, I said that's enough!" Shinji put his hand on his father's shoulder, and his only response was Gendo looking over his shoulder at me.
"Unit 02 died shortly after you entered it. We believe it was one of the reasons Nemo decided to attack now; after all, the Evas are essentially clones of Adam. We knew that impure bodies should not enter the Eva, but we had no idea you had the capability of completely killing it. Quite impressive, I must admit," Shinji's hand fell off of his shoulder – he's already said everything, "Leave. Your contract is void."
"I'm completely fine with that."
"Well then, good day," the rest of my time in NERV was spent walking out of the place, towards Shinji's car. He obviously guided me, but this was done in complete silence. He tried to apologize a few times for what Gendo said, but the more I think about it, the more he was actually right… I mean, if my Eva really did die, then I'm the only thing that could have done it… and Jesus, I can't believe it actually died. I always thought those things were immortal or something – I mean, they've taken shots to the body that should have killed any living being, so why would I kill it with only be 'tainted' body? I just can't believe it… and frankly, I'm not entirely sure that I do, but that's outside of the point. I don't want to be working for a guy like that anyway. The silence was almost unavoidable once we got in the car and began our slow ascent.
"Listen, he's just angry. You're more than welcome to stay with NERV," I realize that those two are equals, but really, I doubt he'd go against his father's word. A brief moment of silence passed before I responded as I gathered the needed words.
"Is my Eva really dead?"
"Well, in the most literal sense of the word, it wasn't alive to begin with…" I glare over at him, "But yes, it has become unresponsive. It doesn't matter though, we still have three other Evas – one for Toji, Rei, and I – and we've been doing research on how to produce more."
"Why did you want me to pilot if you knew what could happen? Don't you think I've been through enough?" I can't believe I killed the thing that kept me alive those countless battles…
"We had no idea something like that could happen. We only knew that people that currently had drugs in their system would affect… it…" he looks at me with wide eyes. What does he think I took something?
"Oh shut up! I'm not going back to that! Yes, I did have a few drinks with Rei the night before, but that's it!" he hangs his head and rubs his eyes with one hand as we finally reached the surface, "What, you don't believe me?" without a word, he started the car and began to drive.
Both of us refused to speak to one another after that. He didn't trust me, and I was appalled that he just accused me of that. When we finally got home, I immediately took a shower and went into bed. It was about three thirty in the morning when I finally fell back onto the bed, and I was absolutely dead tired, but I simply couldn't sleep. My eyes were heavy, my body was weak, and my mind was tired, but I just couldn't stop thinking about everything that's happened since I left with Shinji to NERV. At first, I thought he loved me, and by the way he's been acting, that thought was completely justified. However, he just got done proving to me that he doesn't trust me what so ever, and what kind of love is that?
And what of Rei? He seemed to care so little for what she may very well still be going through. I mean sure, he claims that she'll be alright, but he just seems too… cold about it. He's normally such a caring person, even to those he doesn't actually enjoy in the least. Maybe this is just his way of coping – everyone has their own personal way of dealing with these things. Come to think of it, how would I even know how he copes? I've never seen him in a truly depressed state outside of the few times he got upset at NERV. Regardless, it's just not socially acceptable to do that! I would go talk to him about this, but I'm still furious that he accused me of using again. Sure, I may not have much under my belt, but he should at least know that I'm not going back there! Plus, even if I wanted to, Dee would probably end up killing me or something, so he should know that's not even an option.
I wonder what ever happened to Dee? I mean, he obviously wanted me back after the first time I went back to him, so why did he let me go so easily? After all, I did just run out of the house when Shinji came to see me… did he not see me? I don't remember if he was in the living room or not, but he should have at least heard me leave. Ugh, I just wish Shinji would answer my questions! He has a way of making you feel like you got a response, but didn't actually address the issue at all! He needs to be a politician, seriously.
Roughly two hours have passed since I got back into my room, and I was still wide awake and bringing my thoughts into circles, always going back to the same conclusions I made twenty minutes ago. Since I was a little girl, I always found ways of getting to sleep on those nights when it just wouldn't come, and believe me, I've had enough of those to last a lifetime. A cup of that herbal tea people drink to specifically to get tired usually works… but somehow I doubt Shinji has any of that stocked up. Thinking that it was at least worth a try, I crawl out of bed and make my way into the kitchen. Unfortunately for me, the living room was on the way, and I was immediately met with the sight of Shinji watching TV in complete darkness. I suppose I can't really ignore him, can I? With a heavy sigh, I walk over to the couch and take my place next to him, noticing that I got a little closer than really needed.
"You're still up?" he didn't break eye contact with the television as he spoke.
"Yeah… just can't stop thinking, you know?" he let out a small chuckle.
"Tell me about it," he finally breaks his stare from the television and looks at me as he holds out the remote, "Care to drive?" his eyes were framed by faint bags, but outside of that, he was still managing to keep his composure, regardless of the hour. Returning his small smile, I take the remote and begin to flip through channels as I begin to have a slight sense of déjà vu. When I finally came across some meaningless game show – MXC I believe it was called – where people essentially intentionally hurt themselves in order to win. Shinji and I shared a few laughs during the hour long show, and by the end, I found myself laying down with my head on the armrest opposite of Shinji. He was still sitting in the same spot as before, but now he was resting is head on his hand as it propped up against the armrest.
As another rerun episode of MXC started to play, we found ourselves speaking about random subjects. It started off as whether or not we would go on the show, and eventually drifted off into different subjects. The subjects couldn't matter less, but what did matter was that we were actually cordially speaking to one another without any hint of anger, which frankly surprised me quite a bit. There was a mountain of tension when I first sat down, and as time went on, it completely disappeared. It was during this two hour period that I finally made up my mind about something. Yeah, this was definitely a case of déjà vu…
With a single action, I grabbed the remote, turned off the television, and swung a leg around him so that I was sitting on his thighs. We looked at each other for a short time, confirming one another that what we were about to do was okay, even though it actually wasn't. when we finally broke the deep stare, just like in the car, we moved in slowly towards each other, eventually beginning a passionate kiss. We both knew what was happening, and what was about to happen, but I really don't think we cared. At least, I didn't. I took him up on his offer, and now, there's no way he's going back. I want him to myself; I'm not going to share with any other girl, and I'm sure as hell not going to share with Rei. Shinji's been mine since I first saw him, as corny as that sounds, and I'm not going to lose him again. In my opinion, Rei can go to hell for all I care.
While we almost started the true action on the sofa, I decided that this needed to be a little bit more special than a fling on the couch. Shinji and I slept in my room that night – I intentionally brought him in here for the actual action. I didn't want to go into his room, not where I knew he'd think of Rei. This was my time with him, and I'll be damned if he thinks about anything but me during. We finally got to sleep at around seven in the morning, so you do the math on how long we were up. I was finally able to fall asleep easily… I suppose the tea won't do it for me anymore.
When I finally woke up, it was three in the afternoon, and the first thing I realized was that Shinji wasn't in bed. I thought about the actions of last night before standing up, making sure that it was all real and wasn't another dream – my lack of clothes reassures me of that. Trying to hold back a smile, I stand up and hold the bed sheet around my body, creating a mach-robe. God forbid someone was home outside of Shinji! I peak my head outside of the room, immediately looking into the living room to make sure no one was home, and then I called out for Shinji. Predictably, he didn't respond, so I decided to leave the lair of my room in search for him. Within five minutes of searching, I assumed that he wasn't home, which made me just slightly angry. I mean really, we just got done with last night, and he leaves without so much as a word? I let out an aggravated sight as I walk to the fridge, where a bright noted hung from a piece of tape. At least he left me something, right?
"Went to NERV, something is happening with Sirus. Probably just some paranoia. I'll be home later on tonight, feel free to order food if you want."
Looks like he still hasn't learned the trade of romanticism… not like it matters, at least he told me. But I wonder what's going on with Sirus? Well, like he said, it's probably just a bunch of anxiety about what just got done happening with Nemo.
"Well, what now?" dropping the sheet and dragging it back to my room, I realized that I was left here, by myself, for the rest of the day without anything to do outside of watch television. I hate boring days like this… I throw on some lounging clothes – an enormous T-shirt and shorts – and put the sheet back on the bed, not really bothering to make it. Not really knowing what else to do, I fall back onto the sofa where everything last night began and turn on the TV. Not even ten minutes passed before I was up and looking around for a phone book; it's about time I give an old friend a call. Did Rei say that those two were already married or just engaged? Hell, I don't even know what last name to look up…
Luckily, I found Hikari's number fairly easily, regardless of the fact that the Tokyo-3 phone book was insanely large. Hopefully she still has this number; I would really like to see what I've missed over these few years… that and I need something to do! When I dialed the number, not even a full ring finished before she picked up with the typical 'Hello?'.
"Hikari! I'm glad you picked up! Do you recognize my voice?" a brief pause fell over the line.
"Can't say I do, sorry. Who is this? And how'd you get my number?" well, she's sure lost that perfect attitude, hasn't she?
"Really? Doesn't even ring a bell?" once again, silence, "It's Asuka!"
"Asuka? Seriously? Where have you been?! It's great to hear from you!" I'm actually a little surprised that she remembered right away.
"You too, you too! Listen, I'm not doing anything today, how about we meet up or something?" I just realized – I'm going to have to tell her something as to why I left and where I went… I guess a little white lie couldn't hurt.
"Yeah, that sounds good. You hungry? We could meet up at a diner," the word 'hungry' doesn't even begin to describe just how much I wanted food.
"That sounds fine, but could you pick me up? I'm not in a position to drive right now," I really have to get myself a car… and a license… "I'm at Shinji's place, if you know where that is."
"Of course I know where he lives! Toji and him get together every so often, and I'm usually the one to drive Toji. I'll be there in about an hour, I have to get ready first. That okay?" crap, I have to get ready too! I should have thought of this before calling her.
"Sounds great, I'll see you soon!" and with that, I quickly wrote a note to Shinji on the paper he hung up, and rushed into the shower after gathering the outfit I was going to wear; which was a tight pair of faded jeans and a subtle dark red blouse. If she's still anything like she was in high school, she's the type of person that will show up at least fifteen minutes late, so I knew that I didn't have long to get ready. Keeping this in mind, I hurried through the shower and threw on an extremely light coat of makeup – I've always thought that I didn't really need much. I've still got that natural beauty! As expected, the doorbell was ringing just as I finished combing through my hair, and I opened the door to see an aged, smiling Hikari who, like all the girls I suppose, filled out.
"Asuka!" she leaped at me and initiated a hug, not really giving me a chance to see what she was wearing, "What the hell happened to you?" she leaned back and smiled once again… hm… her freckles went away…
"Oh, you know, life," I finally got a glimpse of her outfit; a woman's cardigan with brown capris. And I thought I was over dressing… "So, I heard you and Toji are together again, hm? And a kid already?" she blushes slightly, averting her stare. What, did she think I wouldn't find out? I'm still not sure if they got married or not… I can't remember!
"Yeah, he sure is a handful," we begin to walk to her car, "The baby's quite active too," we share a short laugh, "But really Asuka, you have to tell me where you went. We all missed you after you left."
"Well, honestly, I dropped out of high school. Wasn't really my thing, you know? I've just been working miscellaneous jobs here and there since then, and now I'm living with Shinji and Rei," maybe one day I'll tell her the truth, but not today – I'd rather keep this a happy day, "So, I'm willing to guess you're in college now or something, right? I know Toji works for NERV, but what about you?"
"Yeah, I'm a full time student and parent. Toji actually watches the baby most of the time while I'm in class. Good news is that I'll be done at the end of this year, so not much longer until I'm a psychologist!" jeez, did she want to pick a more predictable career for a mother?
"BS or BA?" knowing her, it's the former; she's not one to cut corners. She started up the car and began to drive to a destination completely unknown to me.
"Huh? Oh, no, I'm completing my MS. I did my BS back in high school," Jesus! I knew she was smart, but not that smart!
A/N – A BS is a Bachelor's of Science, a BA is a Bachelor's of Arts, and an MS is a Master's of Science. A BS is above a BA, and an MS is above an MA. In case you didn't know.
"Wow, impressive Hikari! How do you like it so far?" come to think of it, what does one even do with that degree? Do they work on their own or work for a company?
"Oh, I love it. I've pretty much taken over the psychology department at NERV. I'm the person that gives the yearly mental stability tests for all employees, and the monthly tests for the pilots," she works for NERV too? Who doesn't work for NERV?!
"Ugh, you too? Man, it seems like everyone I know works for them now!" she glances over at me with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, come to think of it, I heard that you were going to start piloting again. Is that true?" of course she'd know! Nothing is ever easy with me.
"Actually… yeah, I was piloting, yesterday in fact. They… think that I'm the one that cause the Deviant attack," her eyes got wide as she continued to look at the road, "So, needless to say, I won't be piloting again. Gendo voided my contract the day it was written!" I force out a weak laugh, trying to lessen the moment.
"They let you pilot without consulting me first?" her surprised look turned into one of anger, "Well then, no wonder the Eva died – I was told it simply passed away," so it's true? "I specifically told them that Akagi and I formatted the entry plugs to sync perfectly with the mind of the pilot; without any formal input of your data, the Eva simply couldn't handle the new body," wait, they knew all of that? Then why'd they have me pilot in the first place?
"Listen, how about we just stay off this topic, it's so not worth it. I didn't really want to pilot anyway; I'll leave the whole 'saving the world' thing up to you guys!" she lets out a long sigh, "Have you heard anything about Rei? Last I knew she was still in the trance," come to think o fit, how did Hikari manage her trance? Hell, the worst I bet she's ever done is have pre-marital sex!
"Rei? Well, I'm not really supposed to say anything, but she's not doing too well. She was having convulsions all night, and we eventually had to put her in an induced coma before she died of exhaustion. We're not too sure why hers is lasting so long; nearly everyone in the country has recovered by now. I believe there are five other people except her still in it, but I can't be certain," maybe that's the real reason why Shinji left… "I called Shinji earlier today to go into NERV and check her out. He seemed really cold about the whole situation, but I'm guessing that's just because he's shaken up about it. I just left there myself not two hours ago, and he seemed a little… I dunno, just weird. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" leave it to the psychologist to analyze the two most messed up people in Japan…
"No, nothing at all. He has a lot going on right now, I'd just give him his space," she looks at me curiously, forcing an awkward smile to my face, "U-Uh, Hikari? You know you're driving, right?"
"You know more than you're letting on…" I hesitated before responding.
"How did you know?" she gives a cocky smile as her eyes returned to the road.
"I didn't. That was the oldest trick in the book. Now out with it," damn it!
"Ugh… fine, but you have to promise that you won't say a word!" hurry up Asuka, make up a lie! Hikari jokingly holds up the Boy Scout salute as I come up with a half-assed lie, "Shinji may be feeling just a little guilty… he's the one that convinced me to join NERV, and since I caused this whole thing, he may be feeling like it's his fault," that was absolutely horrible!
"Oh, well, that makes sense," wait, what? "Anyway, have you considered going back to NERV? I mean, it wasn't your fault at all, and I'm sure Gendo was just angry. I could pull a few strings and get you back in."
"Even if I did want to go back, what Eva would I pilot? You said mine died, so there's nothing left. But that's outside of the point; I don't want to pilot, and there's really nothing for me outside of that," even I'm not sure if that was a lie. I would love to pilot, but there are certainly moments where it's the worst job on the face of the planet, "NERV just isn't my kind of place."
"Well, just know that we'll always be here with open arms for you. So, moving on from that, you seeing anyone? You seem like the kind of person to have been married by now," heh, if she only knew.
"No, not really. I was seeing a guy for a short time, but it didn't really work out," she once again looks at me with one of her faces. What did I say now?
"What do you mean 'Not really'? That means you're seeing someone! C'mon Asuka, quite telling me these half-truths, we're friends you know! You can tell me anything," a friend… been awhile since I had one of those.
"Fine, fine," I took a brief moment to myself, trying to convince myself to not tell her, "See, Shinji is having some relationship problems with Rei, and he's probably really cold about her whole ordeal because… we're kind of together now," at least I hope we are. If he used me for a one night stand, I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle it.
"Oh, is that all? Jeez Asuka, I was expecting that! Both you and he are glowing today, so I just kind of assumed you two hooked up. He shouldn't feel too bad though, Rei's probably the worst girl to be in a relationship with. She's a nice girl and everything, but not for him. I'm happy for you two!" I couldn't help but release a smile, "How'd you even come to meet up with him again, let alone live with him?"
"Eh, it's a long, uninteresting story. What about you and Toji? Were you guys on and off these last few years as you were in high school?" hopefully not, seeing as how they have a child now.
"Oh no, not at all. We're actually really happy together – he grew up a lot. You'd never recognize him, personality wise or physically! Believe it or not, he turned into quite the charmer," I noticed that she began to blush, "Gotta love him."
"Well, if that's true, I'll have to meet up with him soon!" as I spoke that, we pulled into a huge parking lot belonging to the mall. This area looks a little familiar… eh, probably something from high school.
We spent the majority of the afternoon there, just wandering around shops and doing the typical routine of trying on things without ever really buying anything. We must have gone through every single clothing shop, and even a few jewelry stores, just messing around like we were teenagers again. I swear, that was probably the most fun I've had with another person in a long time! And what was weird about the whole ordeal was that it felt like we never separated in the first place. There was no awkwardness around us, which was odd seeing as there was even that feeling when I first came home with Shinji. I have to say, I'm really happy I decided to call her, I needed this today. Well, I did need it – it was all perfectly fine up until we felt like we needed to eat. Of course, we stayed in the mall and just ate at the food court. Hikari was able to get us a free meal by flashing her NERV card; she said something about federal employees getting free meals. This was just perfectly fine in my book, and once we began eating, I noticed a man across the central floor staring at me almost nonstop. He was the typical creepy mall guy; wearing an old hoodie with torn up jeans.
"Hey, Hikari, don't look, but there's this guy over there that's been staring at me for awhile now… it's starting to creep me out," she just smiled as she stabbed more food with her fork.
"He's probably just ogling you, don't worry about it. You act like you don't get looks normally!" well, I believed her for a moment, but it really got my heart racing when he decided to stand up and start walking over to us.
"He's coming over, I think we should go," she continues to eat with that cocky smile on. Jesus, she really needs to drop this ignorant schoolgirl act! I've been around guys like this before, and this isn't innocent! We're in a nearly empty mall, it's eight at night, and we're two girls!
"It's fine, it's fine. He won't pull anything, he's probably just drunk or something," my heart slowly sped up as he got closer, and I felt like leaving Hikari behind when he finally got up to the table.
"How much, Red?" he never made eye contact with me, which was all the better, seeing as my eyes were as wide as dinner plates.
"Listen," Hikari spoke up, "I've got a 9mm in my purse with five bullets in it. I'm in no mood for a guy like you."
"What? She not working tonight or something?" he can't be talking about that… he plants his hands on the table and smiles down at us, "Listen, I'll pay whatever price you ask, last time was amazing. All I'm looking for is a quickie, okay? You still do that?" he looks over at Hikari, "You can't spare your friend for a few minutes?" she still had her overly confident, cocky smile on as she reached into her purse, making the guy take a step back, "Jeez, okay, okay, I'll leave," and with that, he walked off, but the damage was done. He left Hikari looking at me, now without a smile, as tears started to well up in my eyes.
"So that's where you were those years? That was your 'small job'?" I covered my face with my hand, not wanting to look at Hikari anymore and trying to hide my tears. She took hold of my hand on the table, "Why didn't you just tell me? You know that I wouldn't judge you for it."
"I'm so sorry…" I didn't even know what that meant, but I had to say something, "I just didn't want you to know," she stood up, still holding my hand, guiding me to my feet.
"Come on, I'll take you home," and with that, we made our way to the car and drove in silence. I never mustered the courage to look at her the entire drive, but I didn't have much choice once we got to the house, "Do you need me to go in with you? I don't want you to be home alone."
"No, I'm fine," my voice was hoarse from the held back tears. I was no longer crying, but I was definitely holding it in, "Thanks for today, really," and with that, I got out of the car and damn near ran into the house, trying to get away from the situation as quickly as possible. After walking in, I was met with Shinji sleeping on the sofa. Does he ever sleep in his room? I tried not to wake him as I made my way to my room, but the sound of shoes meeting the tile made sure that wasn't a possibility.
"Asuka? That you?" he looked up with half open eyes, "Did you have fun?"
"Um, yeah," I tried to hide the sad voice that was overly apparent, "But I'm tired, I'm going to head to bed."
"You okay? You sound a little off," he rubbed his eyes and looked at me once again, and his face told me that he noticed the still red eyes, "What's wrong?" he stands up and walks over to me as I felt the tears starting to well up again.
"At the mall… a guy walked up to me…" finally, the first tear rolled down my face, "And tried to pay me for sex… he knew me Shinji! He said that he's been with me before, and I don't remember ever seeing him!" Shinji takes me into a hug as I begin to cry into his shoulder, "I can't even remember all of the men that I've slept with! He was a complete stranger, but he's had sex with me!"
"Shhh, it's okay Asuka, it's okay. You're not like that anymore, you haven't been for awhile now. Just relax…"
"It doesn't matter if that was in my past! I still did it!" at this point, I was screaming into his shirt as I felt it getting wet from my tears, "I was a whore Shinji! Don't you get that? How could you be with a girl like me? You could have had me earlier if you had just given me change!" he puts his hands on my shoulders and yanks me back, looking at me with angry eyes.
"I said that's enough! You think I'm proud of everything I've done? We've all made mistakes Asuka! The best you can do is put one foot in front of the other and move on!" the tears stopped out of pure shock at what he had just done, "I care enough about you to leave my girlfriend of three years, and you think I haven't already considered what you've done? I don't care about that!" I don't think he could have said anything to make me feel better, "Listen," he lets go of me, leaving me standing upright on my own, "I completely realize that you went through some serious stuff, and you're still upset about it. I get that, okay? But you have to stop with this self loathing," he takes my hand and smiles, "It doesn't suit you very well. You're stronger than that," a small gap of silence broke out between us before I mustered something that had been haunting me since I woke up after last night.
"Are… we together?" I may have worded that like a middle-school student, but I don't care at this point. He let out a small laugh.
"Listen, even though Rei always told me I could sleep with other women, I never took her up on that. It's a personal moral of mine," he leans in and places his forehead against mine, "I only sleep with women I love."
After Shinji stepped down off of his soap box, we went into my room and spent another night together, actually sleeping this time around. He definitely made me feel better, but I still felt as if I was less than what he deserved. Beyond even that, I still can't believe that I disrespected myself to that extent… but, like he said, I can't dwell in the past. Unlike last night, I woke up before him, and found myself still lying next to him. We were still in the position from last night, to where we were both on our sides facing each other. I have to say, he's actually kind of cute when he sleeps!
We spoke a little last night while in bed before going to sleep, but about nothing in particular. Just drifting about what we did as children, where we see ourselves in years to come, and so on. In fact, I don't even remember the conversation ending… did I just fall asleep? Eh, like it matters, I still had a good time. Shinji's always had this sense about him that's been able to calm me down; even when we were children and I acted as if I loathed every word of his, he was still calming me down when I went on my rants. I really can't believe this happened… hell, I can't believe two things happened; for one, that we're together in the first place, and two , that I stole him from Rei! Sure, she may be a crazy narcissistic control freak, but it's just not my thing to take another woman's man. I guess it can't be undone…
"Hey there," a voice snapped me out of my daydreaming, and it didn't take much brain power to realize that it was Shinji, "How long have you been up?"
"Just a few minutes. Sleep well?" all he did was smile back at me, "Yeah, same. Sorry about last night… I didn't mean to freak out like that," will I ever get over what I've done? I'm really starting to get sick and tired of this.
"Don't worry about it, you know I'm here for you," his smile slowly faded in the brief pause, "And, on that subject… when Rei comes home, there's obviously going to be a small amount of tension between the three of us."
"A small amount?" I shoot a sarcastic smile his way, "You have no idea."
"That's the problem, I do know. Rei's… a really sensitive girl, even if she doesn't show it. She may not take it very well," so I assume this is his way of saying that we're actually together, "That being said, I think we need to lay low about this for a short time. Just give me a little bit to break it off with her, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, that's fine… but will you still be… you know, with her? I'm not her, and I wouldn't really like seeing you kissing her or anything. It was bad enough when we weren't together, but now… you know," hey, I don't care if I'm being demanding; he's mine now!
"That's okay, but you know she'll think something's up when-"
"What the hell is this?!" we both pop up to see Rei standing at the door, looking a complete mess as she dropped a backpack with what I assumed to be full of clothes to the ground. She was in a worn down t-shirt with jeans, and she obviously didn't bother to shower or even make up her hair before leaving the hospital, "I was gone for less than two days and this whore seduces you?" Shinji stands up, holding his arms out to her.
"Rei, relax, we were-" she once again cuts him off with a swift slap to the face, hard enough to make it look like she gave him whiplash.
"No! You've completely changed since you started seeing this tramp again! And now you're sleeping with her?" well, isn't she a hypocrite?
"Weren't you the one that said sex is meaningless?" I finally speak up, forcing the reaction of a death glare from Rei. I've never seen her this mad… that was actually scary.
"Yes, I did say that," she slowly makes her way over to the bed as I sit up, knowing that she's angry enough to get physical yet again, "But it's not meaningless when you have emotions behind it!" surprisingly, she never raised a hand to me. She only leaned in close enough to try and intimidate me, but also close enough for me to see that she had tears I her eyes. She once again looks at Shinji, whipping around as she does so, "Do you know how much I love you?" she finally stopped screaming, "We were perfectly happy without her around…" she hung her head as she spoke those last few words.
"You were, Rei. You were happy," Shinji looks down at her with such a demeaning face it was almost unnerving, "We're done."
"Please…" she falls to her knees as I see the first tear fall from her face, "Please don't say that…" Shinji, losing the tough attitude, holds out his hand in front of her, only being confronted with yet another one of her tear-filled glares, "Don't touch me…" she stands up on her own and walks out of the room towards theirs, leaving behind the backpack, Shinji, and I.
"Maybe… you should go talk to her…" hell, even I felt a little bad after that whole situation, "A little later."
"Yeah, I'll do that… for now, I think that it's best if you go out or something. She might get violent again, and I don't really want you around if that happens," where exactly did he think I could go? He picks up the phone on my nightstand, punched in a few numbers, and soon began talking, "Hey, it's me… yeah, I need a favor. Can you come pick up Asuka and take her over to your place for a little bit?" a small pause, as I tried to figure out who was on the other line, "Yeah, I know you're working. You can have the day off – with pay of course. Her and Hikari were just together last night, so it should be alright with her," crap… don't tell me it's him, "Okay, great, thanks. And try to hurry… okay, see you then," he hung up the phone as I looked up at him, subconsciously moping.
"Toji? Really?" he couldn't have thought of someone else?
"Would you rather stay here and risk anything Rei might do? It's fine, Hikari's home, so it won't just be you and him. I'll come get you when everything's back to normal… or at least as normal as it can get. Now go get ready, I'm just going to wait in the living room… I doubt Rei wants me in there right now. Jesus, I don't need this right now," he mumbles that last part as he walked out of the room, grabbing the backpack and closing the door as he did.
So what, now I have to spend the day with a person I barely know just because Rei had a little tizzy fit? I guess it a necessary evil, as much as I hate to admit it. Plus, more than anything, I suppose it'll give me a little time to catch up with Toji. Sure, I never really considered him a friend before, but if he's changed as much as Hikari claims, I might end up befriending him.
With a deep sigh, I stand up and throw on some new clothes – I was tempted to just wear what I wore yesterday, but since Hikari will be there, I wouldn't want her to see me in the same outfit two days in a row. Luckily, I didn't really need a shower, and my hair wasn't so bad that I couldn't just pull a comb through it. Trying to stay as comfortable as possible, I throw on a simple white t-shirt with a gray hoodie, ending the ensemble with a pair of jeans. No, it wasn't really like me to dress this way, but I wasn't in any mood to do much more. I walked out into the living room to see Shinji sorting through some envelopes on the table; I assume they're just bills.
"Hey Shinji?" he replies with a 'hm?' without looking up, "Don't think that I'm not going to be paying my way here. I'm still going to get a job and help with the bills," still without looking up, he smiles and shakes his head.
"Asuka, this house is completely paid for by NERV. All pilots get free housing, it's always been that way. I just wanted you working because I assumed you would hate being at home all day… that and we needed another pilot, but I'm guessing we need to find someone else," that last part was said with a small amount of disappointment, "We haven't had to come up with a new pilot since Toji…"
"Well, I never said that I'd never pilot again," okay, so maybe I did, but he knows I don't mean most of what I say!
"That's just fine, but we need a pilot now. We have no idea when the next Deviant will show up, and I fit's anytime soon, I doubt Rei will pilot. So that leaves only Toji and myself – we may be good pilots, but we just have no idea what we're up against. We're relying on numbers here Asuka, and now we're down two pilots," he finally made eye contact with me, and for the first time in my life, I saw what his true panicked state was like, "Jesus…" he rubs his eyes with one hand, "What if we have to pull out a third?" he mumbled it under his breath, but I was able to hear it perfectly.
"A third? You are the Third Child," he lowered his hand to reveal wide eyes.
"Nothing, I misspoke, I meant a Fifth Child," he frantically went back to looking through the miscellaneous envelopes. He's not one to speak before thinking – what did he mean by that? And why did he seem so surprised when he said it?
"Shinji?" he throws the envelopes down on the table and looks up at me.
"Damn it, Asuka," he started off harsh, but quickly got his reaction under control, "Listen… there is a lot about NERV that you don't know, and it's better that you don't know. You need to just lay off, okay? You're not an employee, and our higher ups have no issues with disposing of any possible informants. Just leave this alone, you don't need to know," and with that, he rushed into the kitchen with obviously false intentions.
"What the hell…?" what did he mean by that? I mean sure, of course there are things I don't know, but that's to be expected. Regardless, the way he acted… it was like it was something even he didn't want to know… jeez, what he said is going to be bugging me for days! I decided that the best thing for me to do is to wait outside for Toji, as it seems like the entire house is pretty much off limits at this point. Luckily for me, I didn't have to wait long; apparently Misato taught Toji how to drive, because he came around that corner like a bat out of hell.
"Asuka! Long time no see!" wow… he did grow up… he let his hair grow out just slightly, as it was now reaching his neck loosely. Just by looking at his arms I could tell he was into body building, and his face definitely matured over the years. I actually had to stop myself from looking too deeply.
"Hey, yeah," I walk around the car and get into the passenger side. As I was walking around, I realized that he was driving a fairly high-end sports car… much too typical for him, "Thanks for picking me up, there's a lot of drama going on in there right now."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. There's always something going on between those two!" he pulls out of the driveway and, as predicted, races down the road, "So, Hikari told me that you're back! Gotta say, I don't blame you for leaving that prison that call school. I got outta there as soon as I turned sixteen myself. But why didn't you stay with NERV?" I pray she didn't tell him everything… no, I don't think she'd do that.
"Eh, just not my thing, same as us with school. I didn't like having such a strict schedule all the time, you know? Not too sure what I'm going to do now though, it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to go back to Shinji's place anytime soon…" he lets out a less than subtle laugh.
"They always get over their little tiffs quickly, don't you worry about it. They'll be all love-dovey come tomorrow!" somehow I doubt that! Apparently Hikari didn't tell him about everything if he's still oblivious to our relationship, "But, you know, if you're looking for work, you can babysit Yui for us every now and then. Sometimes Hikari and I have schedule conflicts, and we always end up leaving her at the daycare in NERV, but neither one of us like that. It'd be a pretty steady job," he's spoken to me for five minutes and he's already offering that I take care of his child? And that name… it sounds familiar.
"Huh? Oh, well, I think you might need to run that by Hikari first!"
"It was her idea! She told me that you weren't with NERV and looking for work, so we just kind of assumed you'd like to. Yui's still an infant, so it wouldn't exactly be easy, but hey, it's something to do when you're bored, right?" a small moment passed without either of us speaking, "But listen, you don't have to make up your mind now, think it over. So tell me, you seeing anyone right now? I always took you for the 'marrying an old rich guy' kind of girl!" I'm not too sure if I should take that offensively or not… he probably didn't mean any harm, he's still a stooge just like before.
"Heh, no, I'd rather have a good looking poor man than a rich saggy one," once again, he let out an overzealous laugh, "What about you though? Did you and Hikari only tie the knot because of Yui?"
"Oh gosh no, we've been engaged since we were eighteen. Yui just seemed like the final push to get us hitched, you know?" before I knew it, we were pulling into the driveway of a two story house – something much nicer than Shinji's. Actual houses were hard to come by these days; because of the drastic overpopulation, the vast majority of people lived in apartments. Only the wealthy could afford the land that a house was built on, so it was a sign of prestige, "Well, here we are – home sweet home."
"Way to keep it subtle…"
"Hey, NERV insisted on paying for it, so I thought we might as well go big! I did get chewed out by Gendo when he found out though…" as he got out of the car, I saw him reach for something on the floor of the driver's side, which soon turned out to be a cane. He walked with a severe limp, and almost all of his weight had to be supported by the cane in his right hand. He didn't look crippled by any means, but it was certainly noticeable.
"What… um… what happened to your leg?" he looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "Sorry…"
"No, don't be, I just thought you knew… you were there, weren't you? Remember when I first started piloting and Shinji had to take me down?" that's right! I completely forgot about that! I guess I never really cared enough about him to see how he was out of the hospital, "Yeah, well, I'm actually pretty lucky. My spinal cord was completely severed from my mid-back down, and I couldn't even feel my legs up until I was sixteen. Luckily, NERV paid for some stem-cell treatment on me, and this is the result. They say I should be completely normal within the next couple years… but somehow I doubt that. The progress was great when I first began, but I think I've reached a plateau with my recovery, because it hasn't gotten any better since I turned nineteen," he opened the door to his house as he finished explaining, revealing a home with an obvious woman's touch in terms of decorating, "You want anything to eat or drink? I'm not much of a cook myself, but we have all the materials for it if you can figure it out," yeah right, I'm worse than Misato!
"No, I'm fine, thanks. Is Hikari home?" he falls back onto the sofa, guiding me with his hand to take a seat in the chair across the room.
"No, she's at NERV speaking to Gendo about something or other. I've learned to stop asking questions," maybe I should pick up that habit, "The remote's over by you if you wanna watch something, I'm gonna catch a couple Z's. Shinji called me just as I finished training, so I'm wiped," and with that, he placed a magazine over his head and became motionless.
I did turn on the TV to some music station, but I was far from watching. I was still focused on what Shinji was saying back at the house. What the hell was he talking about? I mean, I understand his little soap box speech before, but I don't understand what he meant about the 'third' thing he mentioned. I suppose that's both the problem and the benefit… but that still doesn't stop me from being curious. I wonder if he'd tell me later on if I asked again; somehow, even I knew that was a crazy plan. He'd probably just get angry again!
I tried to force myself to think about something else, because thinking around in circles like this wasn't going to do any good whatsoever. I eventually began to think about something I've been trying to avoid for quite some time now; the early years of my life. What convinced me to join NERV in the first place, let alone stick with it for that long. I really did hate her for leaving me like she did… just because she couldn't handle the stress of being a single mother? That's just ridiculous, and I completely realize that it is, but I'm unable to stay mad at her for long, but only because I barely knew her. I have vague memories of what she was like before she was admitted to that hospital of hers…
I couldn't have been older than two or three, but the memory is much too vivid to be an over active imagination. We were together in a living room – at least that's what I think it was – and we were playing with one of those peg sets young children love so much. She was so nice, so warm, so motherly… she was the perfect person in my eyes. I don't exactly remember her face, though I do know what it looks like through pictures, but I do remember that smile of hers, framed by the classical fire-red hair. I think that's why I've kept my appearance the way it is all these years; I suppose it reminds me of better times. I don't know, I'm not good at that kind of stuff, but I certainly did always want to make her proud.
When she first started to lose her mind, I don't think I really noticed. In my mind, Mommy was just changing. It was as simple as that. The only hint to me that something was off was when she was admitted to that hospital and I was taken away from her… I used to visit her every week, but as time went on, it only brought on more and more pain. At first, she did know me, but she soon forgot my face all together and started playing with that damn doll of hers… she still wanted to be a mother, and that was the best her mind would allow her to do. Every week for an hour I would stand there; just staring at her as she played with it. Combing its hair, dressing it, and even feeding it on some occasions – she treated that thing better than she did me. When I finally called out to her, she looked up at me with yet another smile I'd never forget… it was nothing short of demented, that's the best way of describing it. It scared me so bad, I just wanted to leave. I suppose that the problem was that I didn't leave, and I just smiled back at her, only encouraging her behavior.
At this time, I was about five, and the German branch of NERV chose me as the Second Child. I really have no idea what I was thinking; did I think that she was suddenly better? Did I think that she would snap out of whatever trance she was in when I told her? I really don't know, but the sight I was met with still haunts my dreams occasionally. I was so happy… I was so damn happy! I wanted to tell her! I wanted her to be proud of me for the first time in years! I wanted a mother! Instead, I was met with two hanging bodies, one representing myself. In my own way, I think that I'm still hanging up there with her. She was caught up in her own little world, and she wanted to spend time with me forever. I was in a small, self induced world of my own for awhile also, so I guess that's just another thing I modeled from her.
Why did she become like that? I didn't do that to her, did I? No, she chose to be a single mother… ugh, I'm just thinking in circles again! I've already been through this in my head a thousand times! The mind is a complex thing, I'm old enough to realize that, things happen. It probably was because of the stress – just because she chose it doesn't mean it was the right choice.
I… wonder if my father even knows about me…
No, I'm not doing this again. He knows that he has a daughter, and he never bothered to look me up, so it doesn't matter! I mean, he'd have to know, right?
"Asuka?" Toji speaks up, making me jump. He's still awake?
"Yeah?"
"I'm not trying to get in your business or anything, but why exactly are you living with Shinji all of the sudden? I mean, you have to have had a place of your own before, right?" the magazine was still covering his face, making the conversation a little bit easier. I'm sick of lying, and he's going to find out anyway…
"Well… you have to promise not to judge me, okay?" he holds up a hand, confirming my request, "After I left high school, I was working as a hostess for a restraint for quite awhile, and I was living on my own, but I… fell into the wrong crowd and ended up leaving my place to live with another guy."
"Eh, all girls go through that bad boy phase, it's nothing to be ashamed of," he's not making this very easy!
"Well, no, he wasn't my boyfriend. He… introduced me to drugs. It started off as LSD, but it went to everything from coke to heroine. I was a real bad druggie for awhile," he stayed silent as I paused, trying to sum up the courage to finish it off, "I became a prostitute to pay for my habits. Originally, it was only the first guy, but I eventually ended up working for him, serving other guys," once again, he remained silent, "I'm clean though, I've been clean for awhile."
"No, no, I believe you, I'm just… surprised, you know?" he tried to gather his words, "I mean, as much of a wench that you were those years ago, I still respected you. You were so strong, and I admired that… what happened to you? What caused you go down that road?" the odd thing about this was that I wasn't about to cry like I would have just a few days ago.
"You know, I'm really not sure. I think I was just bored to begin with, and I got hooked unintentionally… to be honest, and I know this sounds stupid, I don't even remember a lot of what I did. I remember how I knew that sleeping with all these men was wrong, but I didn't care, because I needed that hit. It's really a bad feeling," he takes off the magazine to reveal a weakly smiling face.
"No, trust me, I know. I got into the whole cocaine thing for awhile after I lost my legs. I was so depressed, and it makes you feel better. Let me guess, your 'guy' was someone that calls himself Dee, wasn't he?" my jaw literally drops open as he said that, "I'll take that as a yes. He was the largest supplier of any kind of drug in Tokyo for years. I got out of it when NERV started the treatment on me, but I did keep up on him. I was so angry at him, and I tried turning him into the police but there was never enough evidence."
"Was?" that was the only word that stuck out in my mind.
"Yeah, he was killed a few months ago… in fact, sounds kinda like you got out right when that happened. The police have no idea what happened; he was shot in the forehead some day, and the house was completely empty," he sat up to finally look at me, "I'm willing to bet that's why Shinji took so much time off those weeks ago. He took a vacation not two days after Dee turned up dead," he's not saying that Shinji killed him, is he? "Bah!" he falls back onto the sofa, throwing his hands up in the air, "I'm just talkin' out my ass! Hell if I know what happened. Shinji isn't that kinda guy. Probably just a drug deal gone bad. Forget I said anything," that was quite the random thing to just spurt out… he put thought into that. Does he know this for a fact? I mean, it would make sense, why Dee let me go again and all… but is Shinji really capable of that? I wouldn't ever think that he would, but on the other hand, I wouldn't put it past him either.
"So… you were in my world for awhile too, huh? How long did you say?" he hangs his head and smiles.
"Long enough to get myself into trouble, I'll tell you that much. I'm not even too sure what I did during that time, all I remember was that it started off with coke. Hell, for all I know, I could have moved on to the harder stuff. Definitely a possibility," that wasn't exactly a straight answer, but I'll take it, "Looks like we both were saved by Shinji in some form, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess…" from that, I assumed that it was Shinji who first confronted Toji about his treatment, "Do you ever miss it? I mean, I wouldn't go back to it, don't get me wrong, but it was a nice escape. Whenever you would get upset, you'd just do a hit of whatever and instantly feel better."
"Yeah, definitely, I agree with that. The problem is that you end up feeling bad all the time, so you gotta stay up there unless you want to face reality," he's telling me like I don't already know. Hell, I was in the world way deeper than he was, "I guess you just gotta find something else that makes you happy. For me, it was piloting. It kept me busy, never really let me think about much else. Sure, I can see how you hate it, but what do you have?" I took a second before responding.
"Myself."
"Not good enough," he replied sternly and immediately, "You need something external to keep you going. Something that's all your own, that you don't have to share with anyone else. Like, Shinji's thing is music – either listening to it or playing on that oversized violin of his. Now, try again; what do you have?" since when did Toji become this deep? I have to admit though, he is making me realize a few things about myself…
"To myself? I… guess nothing," that came as a harsh reality to me, "Like you, it used to be piloting, but that just doesn't do it anymore. I've been piloting since I was five or six, that just won't help me anymore."
"Well then," he stood up, putting all his weight n the cane, "Looks like you need to find something, or I'll put money on you going right back to that world," he made his way into another room – what I assumed to be the kitchen. While I don't really agree with him completely, I'll give him some credit in the sense that I have vaguely considered going back a few times. Even if I wasn't serious, those thoughts can't be going through my mind!
"What… could I do then?" I hear a can open in the other room.
"If I had to choose for you, I'd say piloting, but I'm sure I don't know enough about you to make that decision. What do you enjoy?" silence, "Music? Writing? School? What? I mean, you have to be passionate about something."
"I… forgot what I used to care about a long time ago. It was definitely piloting… but I had stronger morals before."
"Hell, you were stronger all around before," well that was a little rude!
"You know, I went through a lot Toji," he finally walks back around the corner, "I realize that I've changed, but not without reason," he simply rolls his eyes as he sits back down with the soda now in his hand.
"I'm the wrong person to be self-loathing to. You put yourself through that, so that doesn't give you the right to change. Drugs make you stupid, not boring," did he just call me stupid and boring in one foul swoop?
"Well, you're no peach either, you know. You're more whipped than Shinji is. At least you used to have enough of a spine to stand up for yourself," he takes a sip of the soda, seemingly ignoring everything I just said, "Stooge…"
"There we are!" he suddenly bursts out with a smile, "See, that's how you used to be. I know you're still in there, you just need a little pushing. Can you try being the old Asuka we miss for just a little while?" as annoyed as I still was, he forced a smile out of me, "I think Shinji would appreciate it too."
"You know, don't you?" he only smiles as he once again covers his face with the magazine.
"We all knew before you did sweetheart," normally, I'd go off on any guy that used a pet name to refer to me, but I couldn't help but smile. I have to admit, Hikari was right; he's become quite the charmer. He smartened up quite a bit too, regardless of the fact that he dropped out of high school before I did. Some would say 'old soul' I suppose, but I don't really see him that way; I think that Hikari just rubbed off some of her smarts on him. Yui hasn't the slightest chance at being normal…
Most of the day was spent sleeping, as I dozed off soon after Toji did. I have no idea how I was tired; I've gotten more sleep than a bear during winter these last twenty-four hours! Not like it matters, I still fell asleep regardless. Frankly, the only reason I woke up was because of a crying baby – one I immediately assumed was Yui. The first thing I did after opening my eyes was glance at the clock on the wall; eight? Already? I've been asleep all day! I've always hated it when I did that… and entire day gone!
"Oh, Asuka, sorry about that," I turn to see Hikari walking through the front door with a baby in her arms, "I forgot that you were here. Everything okay about… you know?" I just nodded as I rubbed my eyes, trying to fully wake myself up, "Good, good. Listen, Shinji hasn't touched base with us, and unfortunately, you can't really spend the night. My parents are coming in, and there's just no room, I'm really sorry," I could tell by the look on her face that she really was feeling bad.
"Oh no, don't worry about it, I wanted to go home anyway. Can Toji give me a ride?" she called out to her husband as she walked into another room with the crying baby. I could tell that she still wasn't used to the hectic behavior of a crying child.
"I heard, I heard. I'm not exactly the fastest person alive you know!" he emerges from the hallway with his same cane, "Morning Sleeping Beauty! I take it you didn't sleep much last night," he sends a small wink my way as he made his way towards the door, "I'll have you home in no time."
"Thanks, I appreciate it," I have to admit, that long nap of mine was great! I haven't felt this rested in years! Hopefully Rei and Shinji worked out something, because I'm in a great mood right now, "When did you wake up?" we entered the car as I spoke.
"Eh, around five, not too sure. I was just watching TV for awhile while you were asleep. Gotta say Asuka, you're not the typical 'cute sleeping girl' I've seen before!" I narrow my eyes at him.
"Then what exactly would you label me as?" he bit his upper lip in thought, obviously choosing his words carefully.
"A… mother bear," I punch his shoulder quite hard, "Proving my point Asuka! It's not an insult! Not like you can control how you sleep," he wasn't exactly a 'cute sleeper' himself! Bastard… "But seriously, good luck with Shinji tonight. I'm not too sure what you're walking into, but I don't think it'll be pretty. It normally takes them awhile to solve problems – more than a few hours," as he spoke, we pulled up to the house. I actually watched where Toji lived this time; it couldn't have been more than a thirty minute walk, "Good luck."
"Yeah, tell me about it," with a small smile, I get out of the car as he sped off, "They better be over it by now," I open the always unlocked door, immediately running into Shinji sitting on the couch in the dark with a muted TV as the only light source. He was hunched over with his arms resting on his thighs, head hanging low enough to where I couldn't see it. A beer bottle hung from his right hand as he remained motionless, his ponytail falling to the side in an unusually messy manner, "I assume it she didn't take it well?" he simply slowly shook his head.
What was up with him? He's never been like this! Jesus, she must have made him feel horrible! Why does she always have to be so controlling? Why does she always have to be like this? You know what? I've had enough of her! She has absolutely no right to treat people like this! With a grunt, I storm over to where I know their room is and was confronted by a closed door. Trying to at least respect Shinji's privacy, I knock before entering.
"Rei? Can I come in?" I was stern with my voice, but still slightly soft. When an answer didn't come, I knocked again, much harder this time, "I'm coming in, get decent," I give it a moment before walking in.
When I first met Rei, I thought of her as the most arrogant, self centered, rude little girl to ever walk the planet. She looked down on everyone so much that she wouldn't even speak to those she didn't see as worth. I eventually came to realize that this wasn't quite the case, and it was just a major personality flaw of hers, but she still never rubbed me quite the right way. When her and I first spoke alone about an actual important subject, it was about Shinji and his death – well, we thought he was dead after that angel literally swallowed him in a sea of darkness. I was simply trying to vent my anger, as I didn't want the world to see me cry, but she ended up taking her hand at trying to psychoanalyze me.
"I wonder… do you only pilot to seek the satisfaction of others?"
I hated her so much for that! If Misato hadn't shown up, we would have been short another pilot beyond Shinji! However, at the same time, I did see a hint of emotion in her for the first time. At the moment, all I saw was an opponent, but after I thought about it, I saw more than just anger in her eyes. I saw her caring for Shinji, and I saw an actual hint of emotion for once in her life. What made him so special that she'd break her code of monotone for him? I suppose that's when I first started to look past the superficial Shinji. Before that, I saw him as a friend, yes, but not anything close to a boy I'd like to be with. After I thought about what exactly made him that special to her, I started to fall for him. So, I guess, it's because of her that I fell in love with him in the first place…
How ironic that a girl like her would teach me love! Talk about the butterfly effect, right? Such a small choice on her part eventually led to my personal destruction and rebuilding… how odd. I would never tell her this, but she definitely did play a major role in my life, even before I left. That creepy little girl sitting in the corner ended up being what I could vaguely call a friend as time went on. If not a friend, at the very least an acquaintance.
It was because of this that I fell to my knees when I saw her hanging there, so motionless, red eyes forever staring at the ground.
A/N – There, a nice, long chapter to make up for last week! This chapter is an oddity, I will admit that; it's about thirty percent of the entire story! Don't expect them to be this long in the future, I'm just making up for last week. It's Thursday night as I write this, so I'm giving myself plenty of padding to make sure I don't give you another three page chapter like I did last Sunday. Anyway, how'd you like this chapter? I think that this is my favorite one; it had the perfect blend of angst and 'bubbly' writing, as I like to call it. By the way, I wanted to do that thing with the guy offering Asuka money for sex for awhile now, and originally Jun was going to do that, but it just kind of turn d out this way. Well, hopefully I cleared up a few questions that you all had, and if not, they may be answered next time. So, check out the next chapter, Dirge Inferno; until then, keep on keepin' on!
A/A/N – Artist: Cradle of Filth. As a side note, I really appreciate those of you who give reviews, but I'd love to see some new faces. It's pretty much the same three or four people giving their input; I want to hear from you guys! I want to hear how I can improve my writing, because I know very well that I'm not perfect. Thanks!