The next morning when Ziva looked in the mirror after her shower, she turned sideways and wiped a section of mirror clear of moisture as she examined her body. Rubbing a tentative hand across her stomach, Ziva was startled to feel a firm roundness that had not been there before.
If she squinted she could just tell that her pregnancy was starting to show, but a loose shirt would do wonders to cover that up for now. Still, it wouldn't be long until her bump couldn't be hidden, and Ziva dreaded the day Gibbs made her stay at her desk while the team went into the field without her.
All day Ziva felt self-conscious, as if every eye in the building was trained on her. Tony noticed that she was more jumpy than usual, saw how her eyes flickered around the room every few minutes to check on who was there. Normally he would chalk it up to nightmares and lack of sleep, but with her being pregnant now he didn't want to assume anything.
Even once they were alone and slouched on his couch for Movie Night, Tony didn't say anything. But halfway through Jungle to Jungle, he glanced over and caught Ziva's hand slowly caressing her lower abdomen. It was unnerving to say the least and she looked zoned out, like she wasn't really there with him. Frowning, Tony paused the movie.
"Hey, you okay?"
Ziva looked up and stopped the motion guiltily. Pushing herself up, she tucked her body into the corner of his couch and drew her knees into her chest, effectively protecting (though probably unconsciously) her unborn baby. "I am fine," she answered at last, avoiding his gaze.
"Zi," he called her name in a pleading tone, "talk to me, please."
She sighed. "Even if Ducky had not insisted on a blood test, the truth would've been obvious soon enough." Ziva folded her hands together. "I can feel the change in my body. I noticed it this morning and today I thought everyone could tell. My clothes do not fit as well either, but there would be no reason for that, I am back to my usual routine."
Tony nodded. With the way she worked herself she wouldn't be gaining any weight, though sometimes he wished she would. It was only noticeable when he held her, but even after three months Somalia had still left her so skinny. It hurt him to remember how healthy she had been before.
Wanting to reach for her hand but trying not to be clingy, Tony swallowed. "It's a good thing though, right? You should be showing by four months?"
"I do not know if I am strong enough to do this Tony," Ziva said in a whisper. "I do not want the world to know, to see the evidence of my shame."
Her eyes were fixed on the couch and Tony nearly groaned. Gosh, he would give anything to be able to hug her right now, to let her find shelter in his arms and his love, but it was clear how ready she still wasn't to hear his heart. Instead he rested his palm on one of her knees and Ziva forced away her still natural reaction to flinch at touch. This was Tony and he was not a threat.
"It's not shame Ziva, it's strength," he tried to convince her. "You survived Somalia, you made it out of there alive. This child you're carrying is a victory, a triumph over what was done to you. You're giving life Zi, not taking it. You are so much better than the ones who hurt you."
"I have no right to be a mother," Ziva's fear spilled out because Tony was a safe place to be vulnerable, to be real with all the walls and defenses stripped away. "What kind of life can I give this baby?"
Tony's eyes became very serious. "Give him or her the chance you never had," he said confidently, "a chance to be loved unconditionally and to grow up outside of the shadows. You can give your baby the right to grow up happy and safe. You can do this Zi, I know you can."
His faith in her was a thing she didn't understand and despite her best efforts, a tear escaped. "We should finish the movie Tony."
He coughed and hit the 'play' button. "Yeah, right." Tony only hoped that something of what he said had gotten through her doubt, because it was the truth. Ziva needed to be able to believe in herself again.
NCIS
It was eleven am on Saturday morning and Ziva was already deep into the study materials for her citizenship test. It was still months away, but she wanted to be absolutely sure she was prepared. By eleven forty-five however, Ziva was getting distracted and at eleven fifty, she got an idea.
Picking up her phone, she scrolled through her contacts and chose one in particular. After four rings a very cheerful sounding feminine voice answered. "Hello, you've reached Thom E. Gemcity's personal assistant, how can I help you?"
Ziva chuckled. "Hello Abby. Is McGee there?"
"He's hard at work on his next masterpiece, but I'm sure he'd be happy for the distraction."
"Oh," Ziva paused. "Well, if he is busy I do not want to disturb him."
She heard a shriek like Abby had been surprised and an amused, "Give me that!", before Tim's voice came on the line. "Hey Ziva, sorry about that, she got to it before I did."
Ziva couldn't help but smile. "It sounds like the two of you are having fun."
"That's what lazy Saturdays are for, right? So, what can I do for you?"
She bit her lip. "I do not want to intrude."
McGee's tone sobered. "Please Ziva, I always welcome the intrusion of friends. Now what's up?"
"Well," Ziva sighed, "if your girlfriend can spare you for an hour or two, I was wondering if you would help me go shopping for a new computer. It has been awhile and I...need one again."
Tim smiled. "I'd love to. What time?"
Ziva considered this. "One o'clock? It will give you time for lunch with Abby, and I have several more pages to read through yet."
"Sounds good. Want me to meet you at your place?"
"Sure," Ziva nodded. "Thank you McGee."
"Whatever you need Ziva, seriously. See you in an hour."
"Goodbye."
As soon as she hung up, Ziva pulled up Tony's number and sent him a text. Busy this afternoon. Storm check for movie and boardgames?
The speed with which he responded made Ziva smile. Rain check Ninja. Seriously? Having fun without me? I'm crushed.
She rolled her eyes. I think you will live. Breakfast tomorrow still, yes?
Wouldn't miss it. Call if you get bored. Or if you feel like feeding me...
Ziva chuckled. Do not hold your breath.
I'll miss you too :) He sent a smiley face and Ziva gave up and went back to her reading. The man was hopeless.
NCIS
"So what kind of computer are you looking for Ziva?" McGee asked as they entered the store, holding the door like the good gentleman he was raised to be.
Ziva's thoughts were on her bank account. Although she'd had a regular paycheck coming in for a month and a half, she had more to worry about than just herself now. Being pregnant and having the baby meant a whole new set of bills she needed to save for. "Just something simple. I will be using it mostly for research and email and documents."
Tim nodded thoughtfully, reading between the lines that she needed something less expensive but good quality to last awhile. He pointed them towards the section for refurbished laptops. "You said you used Macs in Mossad, right?"
Ziva raised an eyebrow. "You were paying attention McGee."
He shrugged. "I remember stuff about computers."
She patted his arm. "I think Abby will appreciate that you take notice of the details."
McGee swallowed, trying to make his expression stay neutral. When Abby came home from spending the evening with Ziva on Wednesday, she mentioned that it was hard to act as though nothing had changed between them. Even this morning when she called Abby his girlfriend, he'd wanted to correct her. He was proud to claim Abby for his wife now, but they'd talked about it and knew that it was not the time to tell everyone. So Tim tried to be careful with his words, knowing that Ziva would catch him if he slipped up.
"I try," was all he said in the end.
The two friends spent almost an hour looking at computers until Ziva found one she liked that was in her price range and McGee approved it for quality. They went back to her place after and Tim spent another hour adjusting specifications on the machine until he was happy with the way the laptop functioned.
"Thank you McGee," Ziva smiled. Then she hesitated, wanting to offer him a friendly hug for the time he'd given her, but finding it still difficult to initiate contact.
Tim, more perceptive than others gave him credit for, read the situation and folded his arms around Ziva carefully and briefly. "Happy to help," he told her, then grinned. "You know me, I like playing with computers."
Leaning against the doorframe as he got ready to leave, Ziva cocked her head. "Did you ever figure it out Tim?"
He drew his eyebrows together, trying to place her question. "What?"
Her eyes were clear and lit with interest. "What you want?"
Memories flashed by of Abby on their second date, her eyes shining under the stars. Abby when he proposed, her genuine surprise and the love on her face that gave him the only answer he wanted. Abby walking towards him in a wedding dress, saying the words that would take them to forever.
Then a page flipped and it was Abby laying with him in bed, really together for the first time in years. Abby kissing him with gentle tenderness and heated passion. Abby keeping the nightmares away with just her presence and her head on his bare chest. Abby and how her eyes glowed when they saw the little house that was now their home.
Fingering the silver band on the keyring in his pocket, McGee blinked and smiled, contentment resting on his features. "Yeah, I figured it out."
Though she wanted to ask what he was going to do to get it, Ziva left that inquiry for another time. "I am glad."
"What about you Ziva?" Tim threw the question back. "What do you want?" It was partially to deflect her curiosity away from him and Abby and partly because he really wanted to know.
Ziva sighed and sadness filled her eyes. "It does not matter what I want. That kind of choice has never been part of my life."
Care for her flooded Tim's gaze. "You don't get it, do you Ziva? In less than three months you're going to be an American citizen. You live here. Your baby will be born in DC and become part of the group of people who love you like family. No one will ever be able to take that away from you." He raised an eyebrow. "Maybe for the first time you'll get to decide what it is you want."
"If I pass," Ziva said, resigned. "Former Mossad assassin does not look great on the application."
"It's the 'former' part they'll look at Ziva. And the status of probationary agent at NCIS doesn't hurt either."
"If you say so." It was too hard for Ziva to hope with everything else that was going on.
"Just think about it Ziva," McGee encouraged. "Think about what you want. I'll ask you again sometime."
She managed a glimmer of a smile for him. "You are a good friend McGee."
"You're worth the loyalty," he said firmly. "See you Monday."
"Goodbye."
Ziva closed the door and Tim pulled out his cell phone. He picked Tony from his list of recent numbers and tapped out a quick message. Bring Ziva dinner tonight.
The response came as McGee was taking the stairs down. What's wrong? He could hear the urgency in his friend's words.
Trying to decide how to phrase the feeling he had, that Ziva didn't think she had the right to be happy, to ask for something permanent, slowed Tim's steps and he thought it over. On the other hand, he knew Tony was just waiting to give her all that and more. And it was clear that Ziva was the answer to the meaning Tony had been searching for.
When he didn't immediately answer, Tony send a reminder. Tim? He only called McGee that when he was serious.
Tim sighed. She just needs someone to make her smile. You up for the job? He shook his head, keeping his thoughts to himself. She needs someone to make her feel important, worth something. McGee knew Tony could do that. They were that close.
There was a lightness in Tony's next text. My specialty Probie.
Feeling as if he'd done something, McGee closed his phone and zipped up his coat to brave the winter weather. After the look he'd seen in Ziva's eyes, Tim just wanted to go home and hold his wife.
NCIS
Two hours later Ziva was deep into research about pregnancy and babies, but more interested in the effects of rape on women, specifically mothers who kept a child conceived from the act. It was heavy stuff to read. She rubbed her eyes and looked down at her stomach. This baby deserved life and Ziva desperately wanted someone to love. Maybe the effects wouldn't be as bad as the information she'd seen.
Finally she closed the laptop, unable to read any more. The intercom buzzed twice and Ziva frowned. What was Tony doing here? A couple minutes later there was a knock at her door. "Special delivery," came her partner's teasing voice. "Let me in Ziva, you'll be glad you did."
Ziva got up and reached for the handle, his words suddenly so full of meaning she couldn't deal with the emotions. So instead she slipped a mask into place and crossed her arms. "I thought I said no today."
Tony looked up. "No, no, I distinctly remember you saying no this morning and wanting a rain check for later." He shrugged. "It's later."
She stood aside to let him in and Tony deposited several bags on her kitchen table. "I went with Middle Eastern comfort food for supper, and chocolate cupcakes for dessert from that place you got Abby's. Our movie tonight is Mrs. Doubtfire and I've got Sorry and Mousetrap for boardgames." He glanced over his shoulder, smiling. "Regular or paper plates?"
For some reason, having Tony around to keep her from thinking dark thoughts was a relief. Ziva let her crossed arms drop and her expression warmed. "I do not feel like doing dishes."
"Paper it is," Tony said, pulling them out with a flourish. "You put the movie on and I'll dish up the food."
As she reached for the DVD, Tony thought he heard her whisper, "Thank you,", but he didn't say anything. He cared about Ziva, this was how it was supposed to be. It was always easier to keep the darkness away when they were together.