Ikari Update #02

Shinji showed up to my session with bruises on his face. After some coaxing, he told me he had been involved in a fight at school. One of the students had their sister hurt during the battle with the angel, and hearing that Shinji was the pilot, well...he took it out on him.

(pause)

That, sadly, is one of the dilemmas of war. Steinman would lecture me on this during one of our many meetings, whenever we went over his old cases. There will be casualties, and not all of them will be soldiers. Innocents caught in the destruction's wake, children no less...it's the soldier's job to protect them, but it doesn't always work out that way. Shinji, unfortunately, got to realize that right at the beginning.

He takes the responsibility for it. He blames himself, believes it is all his fault. To which I replied that it wasn't; accidents happen, and there are always things you can't take account for when you go to battle.

But what else can I say other than that? What can ANYONE say that provides any comfort? That you just need to bear it? That seems cruel to say to a fourteen-year-old. Make an effort to do better? Like he has ANY control over that.

This is one of the things Steinman would have been well-suited for. He would know what to say in these situations. All I can do is offer some comfort, but my words feel weightless.

So I try to alleviate his worries, but he seems content only to dwell upon them. School, he deems as fair, but he has no friends and he doesn't seem to feel himself worthy of them. He doesn't feel worthy of the positive attention that Captain Katsuragi gives him. He doesn't take pride in being a pilot saving millions.

No, in his mind, he sees himself...as a villain. As someone who believes should be left alone in a hole somewhere than be a bother to anyone.

I compare his attitude here to that of our first session and I notice a noticeable decline in his mood. Last time he was shy but friendly enough; today, he seemed almost...not hostile, but moodier. At one point when I told him for a fourth time that the accident with the classmate's sister was not his fault, he said...well, I don't recall word for word, but it was something along the lines of that it would have been better if it had been him instead.

(pause)

He has a bout of depression, I'm sure of that. And he's at the right age for it to be seriously affecting him. Depression and APD, as I talked about in the last session. However...

(pause)

I don't want to jump the gun and misdiagnose, Katie, but I'm starting to suspect Shinji might suffer from a touch of bipolar disorder as well. Not bipolar EXACTLY, I should clarify, but rather a variation of it. I will need a few more weeks in order to judge it properly, but...well, if it IS the case, then I don't want to simply ignore it. For now I will make a note of it and keep it in mind, look out for other possible signs.

If it IS bipolar, or some form of it...then I shudder to think of what would happen if-

(loud explosion noise)

What?

(continuous low booming sounds)

Oh no...not another one...end recording.