A/N: Thanks to everyone who's stuck with things this far. I hope you're enjoying it! Some decisions get made this chapter, so things are progressing nicely.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did there would be a lot more werewolves and lot fewer vampires.
Rachel:
What the hell was he doing? Did he honestly think that making me drive his truck back to school was the same as putting gas in my car? He was out of his mind. I hated driving trucks. They were hard to handle and gas hogs. I couldn't afford to fill his tank, especially with gas prices what they are right now. He's out of his mind.
He gave me an innocent look. "I'm just getting you all packed up to go," he told me, covering my basket with the tarp.
I was angry that he wasn't even giving me a choice in this. "I'm not driving that thing," I informed him.
He did even look slightly phased. "Of course not," he said. "I'll be driving."
I raised my eyebrows at him. He was going to be driving? He was driving me back to school? This was stupid.
I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "That's very nice of you, but you don't have to do that. I'll make it back just fine." I kissed him lightly, hoping to change his mind. I used my driving time to think, something that I had a hard time doing in his presence. I had planned to use this trip to think about my relationship with Paul and make a decision about grad school. I couldn't do that with him there.
"I know you will, I just want to spend more time with you," he said, bringing a hand up to my cheek.
I nodded. I could certainly understand that. I didn't want to leave him just yet either, but was driving to Wazzu and back really worth it? I didn't think so. Though I guess I couldn't really see things from his point of view. I wouldn't be in physical pain driving away from him. Just emotional pain. I could handle emotional pain. I'd been suppressing it for years from various sources. This just presented another one.
"I just don't want you to have to drive that far. You won't make it back until practically tomorrow morning," I tried to warn him. I didn't want him falling asleep at the wheel. I would feel so guilty if he got hurt just because he wanted to be with me a little while longer.
He started chuckling and dropped his gaze to the ground. He brought his eyes back up to me with a smile. "Rachel, I'm not driving straight back. I'm going to stay with you this week."
He was staying with me? Where did he think he was going to be sleeping? Because I definitely only had a twin bed, and we were not both going to fit on there. And what was he going to do? I had two finals this week that I had to study for. I couldn't have him there distracting me. Not that I wouldn't need study breaks occasionally, I just didn't want my entire week to be a study break. I had to pass both of these exams to graduate. If I didn't then I would automatically be back in the fall, still an undergrad. I shuddered at the thought. I really didn't want that.
I looked at him, biting my lip. "I don't know."
He smirked at me. Apparently he disagreed. And when he looked at me like that, I did too. He could come, right? He'd be good company in the car. He would stay out of my way when I had to study. Hell, I could probably even talk him into helping me study. I wouldn't mind trying to sleep in the same bed, and if we didn't succeed my futon was still very comfortable.
I was going through all of these options in my mind when I came across another bonus to having him come with me this week. He'd be able to help me move home if at the end of the week. I'd been worrying about how exactly I was going to make everything fit it my tiny little car. I probably would have had to rent a U-Haul and pack it myself. Now that Paul was coming, I could put him work.
As I smirked at this I realized that while I was making plans for Paul to help move me home, I had decided that I was going to be moving home. Where had that come from? I'd been on the fence about grad school for weeks. And now suddenly I had no reservations about moving home next week. I knew Paul had something to do with that. I just wasn't sure if I was completely okay with that.
I'd always promised myself that I would never do something just because of a guy. And now I'd been sort-of-dating Paul for roughly 12 hours, and I'd already made the biggest decision of my adult life. Maybe I needed some space away from him.
I looked at him. He was waiting for me to say something. I didn't know what to say. I put my hand on his stomach as I tried to let him down as diplomatically as possible. "I'm not sure if that's the best idea."
He shook his head at me. "I thought you'd say that. But can I just tell you why?"
I nodded. Hard as I tried I couldn't come up with a reason that made the pros outweigh the cons. I doubted he would give me anything new.
He did. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to help you get through your tough time with Katie. You need to focus on your finals, and it's going to be pretty hard if you have to deal with the fall out from your fight all week. I'll help you talk to her if you want. I'll keep her away from you. Hell, I'll toss her out a fifth story window if you ask me to," he promised.
I chuckled, knowing that even if I did ask him he wouldn't do it. He didn't the capacity to harm someone so maliciously. I honestly hadn't thought about Katie at all since yesterday. I'd been too caught up in my confusion over Paul to even remember my issues with Katie. The prospect of having to deal with her hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't face her alone. I was starting to panic. I needed help. And Paul was offering it. I couldn't turn it down.
"Okay," I agreed.
He looked at me skeptically. "Okay? Really?" He was waiting for me to confirm my approval.
"Yes. Paul, will you drive me back to school?" I asked, hoping that he would realize that I wasn't just granting his wish to go, but that I wanted him to go too.
He smiled widely and kissed me. He took my hand and walked me over to the passenger side of the truck, opening the door for me. I got into the cab and settled in as Paul walked around to the driver's side.
He got in and started the engine. "Ready to go?" he asked me with an easy smile.
"As ready as I ever am to spend 8 straight hours in the car," I grumbled.
He started backing out of the driveway and turned his head to look at me. "Now what kind of an attitude is that at the start of the trip?" he inquired, still smirking.
"A perfectly acceptable one," I countered. "I just don't like sitting in the same position for so long. My back gets stiff." I could tell from the smirk on his face that he wasn't feeling any sympathy. "Also," I added. "I'm at high risk for developing a deadly blood clot from sitting for extended periods of time," I shared.
"Oh really?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. He didn't believe me?
"It's true," I assured him with fake sincerity. "Women on birth control are much more likely to have pulmonary embolisms."
He looked at me with surprise. Did I really just tell him I was on birth control? I re-ran the conversation in my mind. I had. Shit. And it sounded like the only reason I brought it up was so that I could tell him I was on birth control. What the hell was wrong with me? I needed to get over this comfortable feeling before I told him something really embarrassing. Though I was fairly certain that was an impossibility. Especially since we weren't even out of La Push before I put my foot in my mouth the first time.
I shrank lower into my seat and put my feet up on the dashboard. I didn't even want to think about the horrible things that would come out of my mouth in the next 8 hours.
What was I thinking? I'm pretty sure my brain decided to stop functioning the second I opened my mouth. Now I sounded like a whore. I was going to have to set the record straight soon. I fought the urge to dry heave at the thought of casually discussing my sexual history (or lack thereof) with Paul.
I wouldn't have had to if would've kept my big mouth shut. But no. I had to tell Paul that I'm on birth control. Which meant that I was also going to have to explain why. Was there a tactful way to say 'cramps from hell'? This was a nightmare.
I sank down further into my seat and stared out the window. Maybe he hadn't noticed or didn't think anything of it. I snuck a glance over at him, and he was staring at me with a smirk on his face. He was spending more time watching me than the road. That wasn't safe.
"Could you watch the road please?" I asked irritably.
"Do you have something you want to talk about?" he asked me, still not looking at the road.
"Not as much as I want to survive this trip," I growled, pointing for him to keep his eyes on the road.
He rolled his eyes and focused straight ahead. After a few seconds he glanced over at me. He took my hand in his, and I fought the urge to pull away. After that horribly awkward comment, I was content to curl up into a ball and hide for about a week or so. Apparently Paul didn't feel the same way.
I smiled at him nervously, biting my lip. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I shouldn't have snapped at you."
He brought my hand up and kissed the back of it. "It's okay. We'll talk when you're ready."
I groaned.
"What's wrong," he asked, his voice filled with concern.
I shook my head. "It's nothing really. I'm just pretty sure I won't be ready to have that discussion for awhile."
He smirked at me. "Can I ask why?"
I sighed. This was going to lead into the topic I was avoiding. But he deserved to at least know what the problem was. "I'm just not ready to talk about it," I hedged.
He wasn't having it though. "Will you at least tell me what we're not talking about?"
I looked at him like he had two heads. Was he really going to make me say it? I looked at the floor, closed my eyes, and whispered as quietly as possible. "Sex," I said with disgust.
"Oh," he breathed, turning back the road willingly.
I'd done it. I'd finally scared him off. My inability to open up about difficult subjects had come back to bite me in the ass once again. I shook my head and tried to pull my hand out of Paul's. It had to be making him uncomfortable.
He didn't release my hand though. If anything he held on tighter. I sat, staring at him, waiting for him to say something.
After what felt like an eternity he finally spoke. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I don't want to have sex with you."
What? I was shocked. I dropped my gaze. He didn't want me. I knew this was too good to be true. He had reconsidered and decided that he just wanted to be friends. I couldn't say that I didn't understand. I had so many issues and so much baggage it was easy to see why he wouldn't want to get too close to me. It just hurt. Before I could stop it, a tear slid down my cheek. I tried to wipe it away but Paul saw and pulled off on the side of the road.
He threw it into park and turned his entire body to face me. He wrapped his arms around me and turned my face up to his. "Look at me," he requested. I obliged, allowed a few more tears to fall as I moved.
"I said don't take it the wrong way," he said with a wry chuckle. I looked down again. If he was going to make fun of me, I didn't need to watch him do it. He put his finger under my chin and tilted my face up again. "Rachel, you're gorgeous," he said, pushing a lock of hair behind my ear. "I love you. I want to make love to you. But not yet."
I sniffed as I stared into his eyes. "Why not?" I asked, pouting.
He smirked again. "Because you're not ready and neither am I. But trust me, when we are, you'd better watch out," he said with a glint in his eye.
I laughed and kissed him. "Thank you," I whispered, putting my head on his shoulder.
He wasn't ready either. That steadied my nerves greatly. I wanted to ask all sorts of questions, but I knew that I had no business asking my questions if I wouldn't answer his. I'd have to wait until I was ready to talk about this before I could hear why he wasn't ready.
He kissed my hair then inhaled deeply. "I don't know why you're so worried about it. It's not like we're official or anything," he said, more casually than necessary.
I smirked into his shoulder. That's what he was getting at.
"That's true. We're not," I mused.
"Would you like to be?" he whispered. I looked at him and his intensity sent shivers down my spine.
"Would I like to be what?" I asked, dragging this out as long as possible. I wanted to hear him say it.
He smirked. "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" he asked, running his fingers through my hair.
I contemplated it for a second. I'd already told Paul that I loved him, and I had meant it. 'Girlfriend' didn't seem to be enough to describe what we had between us. But then again, I didn't want him going around calling me his imprint either. That would be awkward trying to explain to most people.
"Do we have to label it at all?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Not if you don't want to, I guess." He didn't seem too enthused about it though.
I needed to try to explain. "It's just that 'girlfriend' doesn't seem like enough, you know?"
He breathed out a sigh of relief. "I get that, I really do. But we're not quite ready for fiance, wouldn't you agree?" he asked with a smirk.
I smirked back at him. "Yeah, we're totally not there yet."
"So that leaves the question, what am I going to call you? Do you want to be introduced as 'my friend, Rachel'?"
I thought about that for a second. Just because girlfriend didn't fit us 100%, didn't mean that I was content just being called 'friend'. We were so much more than friends.
"Okay, Paul. I'll be your girlfriend," I said.
His smile was blinding. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" he asked.
I nodded as I brought my lips to his. "Once or twice."
Paul:
She was mad. I'd expected this right? Okay, not really, but I could deal with this. I just had to show her why it was a good idea for me to go with her. I guess. I wasn't really sure how to go about it. I settled for just answering her question.
"I'm just getting you all packed up to go," I informed her, still placing the basket in the bed of truck. I covered it with the tarp and looked back at her. She looked disgusted.
"I'm not driving that thing," she sneered. Like I would let her drive Lucille. Especially after insulting her like that. I was going to have to give Rachel a lesson in manners to my truck. Lucille was very sensitive and didn't like being called names, especially 'that thing'.
"Of course not. I'll be driving," I told her. She wasn't getting near the driver's seat. She was going to study the whole drive back so that she could take a night off this week. We could go on a date. I already couldn't wait. I was glad I grabbed long pants when I was home.
She still wasn't letting it go though. She came over to me and put her arms around my waist. I couldn't complain about that, anytime she wanted to touch me was more than all right with me. "That's very nice of you, but you don't have to do that. I'll make it back just fine."
She leaned up to brush her lips on mine, and it took quite a bit of self-control not to bow down to her wish right then so I could keep kissing her forever. But I could kiss her all week if she would just get in the freaking truck.
I moved a hand up to cup the side of her face. I smiled, reveling in the deepness of her eyes. I almost for got what I wanted to say. "I know you will, I just want to spend more time with you."
I still hadn't technically broached the subject of staying with her for the week but I felt it coming up shortly. Maybe she would figure it out on her own. She was a smart girl. I was still unsure of her reaction. More than anything in the world I wanted her to say yes, but she had many good reasons to say no. I just hoped that she wouldn't be able to think of them.
"I just don't want you to have to drive that far. You won't make it back until practically tomorrow morning," she explained. I chuckled as I realized she was concerned for my safety. That was so sweet of her. She really did love me. I fought the urge to sigh. That would have been a little girly.
I looked to the ground, hoping my explanation would help her understand my previous chuckle. I looked straight into her eyes and told her what we were going to do. I didn't give her an option because that left room for her to say no. And I really didn't want her to say no.
"Rachel, I'm not driving straight back. I'm going to stay with you this week."
Her eyes widened, and I realized I'd shocked her quite a bit. She hadn't been expecting this. What if she blurted out 'no' with even thinking about it? That would be painful. I needed her to think this through. It appeared that she was, though I hoped she wouldn't think for too long. There was such as thing as over-thinking. I'd never run across that problem personally, but apparently it's a common affliction among those who choose to go on to higher education.
She bit her lip, looking torn. I could work with torn. "I don't know," she told me.
I lifted up the corner of my mouth in a slight smirk. I wanted to let her know that I thought it was a very good idea, not only for me but for her also. For us, as a couple. If we spent the week together, there was a very good chance we would be coming home as boyfriend and girlfriend. I beamed at the thought of introducing Rachel as my girlfriend, though that word didn't seem to cover my feelings for her. Still, it would be awkward to introduce her at parties as my soul mate.
'Hi, Grandma, I haven't seen you in a while. I just wanted to introduce you to the reason that I breathe.' That would probably embarrass Rach just a little bit. I figured we'd just stick with girlfriend until it switched over to fiancé.
My knees almost gave out when I thought about proposing. Just the promise of one day being married to Rachel would make me happier than I had ever been in my entire life. I couldn't wait. I had to start planning now. It had to be perfect.
I was standing there with a sappy, dopey grin on my face when Rachel stepped close into my chest and put a hand on my stomach. My abs tightened, and it was hard to focus on what she was saying.
"I'm not sure if that's the best idea," she said. Or something along those lines. I really couldn't be absolutely certain. Her hand was tracing shapes on my stomach while I was working so hard to stay upright.
I shook my head trying to clear it. "I thought you'd say that. But can I just tell you why?" I hoped she would give me the chance to explain.
She nodded giving me permission to start my argument. I thought for a quick moment of how I wanted to go about this. There were so many reasons why I thought I should go with her, but I needed to pick the one that she would be most appreciative for. A reason why, if we had been seeing each other longer, she may have asked me to come.
And I knew exactly what to say. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to help you get through your tough time with Katie. You need to focus on your finals, and it's going to be pretty hard if you have to deal with the fall out from your fight all week. I'll help you talk to her if you want. I'll keep her away from you. Hell, I'll toss her out a fifth story window if you ask me to," I promised.
She laughed out loud, and I knew that I was in. She wouldn't make me stay now. Would she?
"Okay," she agreed with a smile.
Was she sure? I couldn't tell. "Okay? Really?" I asked. I wanted to make sure that she was doing this out of some strange sense of obligation.
"Yes. Paul, will you drive me back to school?" she asked. I smiled. I loved that she was asking me to drive her now. She wanted me to go, she was just afraid of what it would mean. I was too, but there was no way around it. We belonged together. I sighed just thinking about it. I couldn't stop myself, not matter how much it made me look like a pussy.
I kissed her quickly then walked her over to the passenger side of my truck. I opened the door for her and closed it behind her. I walked around to the driver's side and climbed in, starting the engine.
I looked her to her with a smile. "Ready to go?"
As I saw the look on her face, I could tell that her mood had flipped completely in the last ten seconds. She gave me what could only be described as a dirty look as she grumbled, "As ready as I ever am to spend 8 hours in the car."
What had brought this on? If I didn't know any better I would have thought this girl was bipolar. She was kissing me and practically begging me (okay, not begging but close enough in my warped view of it) to drive her back to school, and now she was treating me like I was dragging her back against her will.
"Now what kind of an attitude is that at the start of the trip?" I asked with a smile, keeping the mood light.
"A perfectly acceptable one," she answered, still sulking. Then she started whining. "I just don't like sitting in the same position for so long. My back gets stiff." Was she really going there? Who was the one who decided to go to school so far away in the first place? Because if I'd had a say she wouldn't have gone away at all.
I was enjoying this ranting far too much, and she was about to start with another. I hoped it would be just as amusing as the last one. "Also, I'm at high risk for developing a deadly blood clot from sitting for extended periods of time," she said seriously.
"Oh really?" I asked. I was pretty sure she was bullshitting me but you never know for sure. I wasn't nearly prepared enough for her answer.
"It's true. Women on birth control are much more likely to have pulmonary embolisms," she shared as though it was completely normal to be telling me about her contraceptive status.
I raised my eyebrows as I stared at her. Why did she tell me that? Was she trying to tell me something, or did it just slip out? I couldn't be sure. It didn't seem like something she'd planned, but was there any other reason for her to bring up this subject at all? I didn't think so. So she'd just told me she was on birth control. There was really only one reason a girl told a guy she was dating that she was on birth control.
A smirk spread across my face. This was going to be an interesting ride back.
She sank down into the seat, obviously embarrassed. Maybe she hadn't meant to tell me that. It looked like she just had a temporary case of verbal diarrhea. I stared at her, still smirking. If it was possible, her verbal incontinence just made me love her more.
She glanced over at me, looking irritated. "Could you watch the road please?"
She was avoiding something now. "Do you have something you want to talk about?"
"Not as much as I want to survive this trip," she grimaced, throwing her hand in the direction of the road.
Like we would actually crash. I was kind of annoyed that she had such little faith in my wolf-like reflexes. Well, not even wolf-like, actual wolf. I fought the urge to chuckle at my bad joke, knowing that she wouldn't appreciate it very much.
I turned my attention to the road and found it extremely boring. Rachel was so much more interesting to look at. I grabbed her hand in mine, reassuring her that she could talk to me.
I didn't have to wait long before she spoke up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you," she apologized.
I kissed the back of her hand. "We'll talk when you're ready," I assured her. I wasn't going to talk about anything that reason wasn't ready for. Especially when just thinking about it put her in a bad mood like this.
She groaned and I didn't catch on at first. "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing really," she said, shaking her head. "I just pretty sure I won't be ready to have that discussion for awhile."
What discussion? I just wanted to know why she was in a bad mood. What was there to discuss about it?
"Can I ask why?" I nudged.
She sighed and I became even more concerned. What was she avoiding?
"I'm just not ready to talk about it." She was evading my questions.
I was getting tired of this. "Will you at least tell me what we're not talking about?"
She stared at me like I was crazy. Was it so unreasonable for me to want her to tell me what was wrong? I didn't think it was.
She looked at the floor as she whispered her answer. "Sex," she stated simply.
"Oh," I breathed. That was not the answer I was expecting. I could see how her train of thought had taken her there, but I wasn't ready to have this discussion either. Well, I guess we could talk about it, but I knew it was extremely uncomfortable for her. A fact that would only be complicated by my inexplicable knowledge of Thor. I wanted to hold off on this conversation for as long as possible.
Apparently I'd taken too long to think about this when she tried to pry her hand away from mine. I wasn't about to allow that to happen. I held on tighter as I tried to pull my thoughts together into a coherent idea.
I knew I had to say something soon but I wasn't sure what. Finally I settled on the most straight forward explanation. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I don't want to have sex with you."
I tried to smile at her, but she was already staring at the floor. I didn't understand what was wrong until I saw a tear falling down her cheek. She thought I was rejecting her. I'd put my goddamn foot in my mouth.
I swerved over to the shoulder and threw the truck in park harder than I should have. I turned to face her and pulled her into my arms. I brought her face up to mine but her eyes didn't move.
"Look at me," I implored. She obeyed, and I saw more tears fall.
I smiled at her. "I said don't take it the wrong way." She looked at the floor again, and I knew that joking was not helping. I brought her face back to mine again. I needed to explain to her just how much I loved her. "Rachel, you're gorgeous. I love you. I want to make love to you. But not yet," I qualified.
"Why not?" I still didn't have her convinced.
I was going to have to spell it out for her, wasn't I? "Because you're not ready, and neither am I. But trust me, when we are, you'd better watch out," I promised with a wink.
She laughed and brought her lips to mine. She whispered her thanks and rested her head on my shoulder.
I inhaled the scent of her hair and thought about our conversation. She was thinking about sex already? We hadn't even been together a full day. We weren't even officially dating yet, and she was all concerned that I was expecting things from her already.
I knew what I had to do now. "I don't know why you're so worried about it. It's not like we're official or anything."
"That's true. We're not," she considered.
I stared at her intently, willing her to look at me. This was the most important question I'd ever asked. "Would you like to be?" I whispered.
"Would I like to be what?" she asked with a smirk. She was playing dumb and making me ask her properly. I could do that.
"Would you like to be my girlfriend?"
She looked at me long and hard before she responded. I was starting to get nervous that she was going to turn me down.
Finally, she put me out of my misery. At least partially.
"Do we have to label it at all?" she asked, almost meekly.
I just shrugged. As much as I wanted to call her my girlfriend, I wasn't going to force her into something she wasn't ready for. Then she went on to explain.
"It's just that girlfriend doesn't seem like enough, you know?"
I did know. I knew better than she did, but it was good that she felt it too.
"I get that," I replied. "I really do. But we're not quite ready for fiancé, wouldn't you agree?" I asked with a playful smirk.
She smirked back, but I could tell there was mild horror under her features at the mention of fiancé. I had to get this conversation back on track.
"So that leave the question, what am I going to call you? Do you want to be introduced as 'my friend, Rachel'?" I asked, trying to show her the other side of the coin.
The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. As much as I wanted to claim her, she wanted to claim me, too. Nothing could have made me happier.
"Okay, Paul. I'll be your girlfriend," she said.
I wrapped her more tightly in my arms and smiled widely. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"
She smiled as she kissed me. "Once or twice."