Chapter 10

AN Reviews make me happy, so, yeah. Keep doing that. Please.

The rest of the night passed with a somewhat happy atmosphere, I learned the geeks name, so I can stop calling him the geek. The scary lady came over shortly after I got Gabby to take her nap. I like Ziva, she seems dangerous and just a little broken, and she's pretty, but it's obvious that Tony likes her, so i'm not gonna go there.

Tim is pretty cool, he reminds me of Sammy, just smaller and less muscley. I would like to keep Abby forever, she is weird and funny and so fucking nice to me, she's unique and obviously loyal, and her style is definitely out there, but it fits her personality. I still haven't made up my mind about Gibbs yet, he and Tony obviously have a father son thing going on, but he keeps a lot to himself, i'm not sure what he is capable of, so i'm wary of him still.

Gabby is my favorite though, when she woke up from her nap we all had dinner and then me and Gabby played with blocks on the floor while we were all talking, she would babble at me and I couldn't understand a word she was saying but she was so happy when I nodded my head like I did understand her. She is an adorable little girl, she didn't scream or cry, except that one time Tony talked too loud and scared her, then she climbed into my lap and cried into my shoulder for a while, Tony shut the fuck up for a while after that. But overall she was happy and bubbly, and it was a reminder of what I honestly do my job for, I do my job for the innocent, and she was the perfect reminder of that innocence that I try so hard to protect.

I will never have a kid of my own, no matter how much I used to dream about having a family, and a ton of kids to call my own. I chose instead to protect people who have families, to protect babies and moms and dads and siblings. Sam and Tony decided to chase the dream instead, and while it turned out Sam ended up back in the business, Tony seems to have gone pretty far in life.

And that's what makes me so fucking angry, despite him having abandoned me, clueless in a dirty motel, the fact that here he is, free to have a wife or a husband and kids, it isn't fair.

I'm not the oldest, the oldest is the one who is supposed to take care of the youngest, that's how it was for me and Sammy, I protected him with everything in me, every fibre of my being was spent trying to protect Sammy from whatever I could. And Tony was supposed to protect me, but he left, and now here he is, a life filled with endless possibilities, while here I am, in a life that will and has, ended in heartbreak and tears and pain. In a life that makes sure that I will never have a kid, or a wife, or a husband, not unless I want them to be in danger their whole lives. In a life where I should already be dead, where I am looked upon as ancient because of how long i've been hunting. In a life where I have the possibility of nothing, I hunt, and I drink, and I fight, and while things like Gabby make every moment of this shitty fucked up life, worth it, and while I would never change a thing, because I know how many lives i've saved. It shouldn't have had to be me, it sounds so fucking selfish, I know that, but I wasn't supposed to have to live this life, I wasn't supposed to have to sacrifice everything I dreamed about, while everyone around me, sacrificed me, for their dreams.

I was so goddamn proud of Sammy when he got into college, and I had known that he wanted to run like Tony had, I knew since he was a kid. He wanted out, he wanted college and a life.

But no one ever realised that I did too, no one around me realised that I got straight A's in school, that I only got into so much trouble because I was fighting the bully, or I was stealing because we needed food, or I was hustling because the money dad left ran out. No one realised that I was only the perfect little soldier to make dad happy, that me being the perfect little soldier made it so much easier for Sam to go out and chase his dreams, that the only reason dad didn't break was because I was there holding him together, that the only reason Sam got into college was because I made sure he could spend hours on homework instead of training, that I took him to the library and that I was the one who made sure he didn't go hungry, that made sure he didn't go on his first hunt until he was 16, not 12. The one who talked dad down when he wanted to push him harder, when he wanted him out hunting at 12, when he wanted him training 6 hours a day like I was, wanted him to dropout of high school when he was old enough to take the GED.

Tony left, and he never answered my phone calls, and I never heard from him again. And then Sam left, and he never called me, he never sent me an email, or a text. He didn't even return my calls, for years. And then dad left, once Sam went to college, dad decided he didn't need to stick by me anymore, he gave me the car and sent me on my way. He would send me on hunts through phone call, and I probably saw him once a year.

My whole family left me, they went to their own places, made their own choices, and left me in the ruins of our family, the only one left behind, with a responsibility to the family business, because everyone else was gone. Because I was the only kid left to take the responsibility, and someone had to. So I never got a childhood, I never got to make my own choices in life, I never got the choice of hunting, or of a normal life and a family. Yet now I fully embrace my life, my life filled to the brim with horrors and nightmares, this life where I get to save people. Because I never told anyone of my dreams, they all just assumed I was perfectly happy being daddy's little soldier, that I was perfectly happy with the direction my life was going, and that direction was a lonely life and an agonising death. So now I have fully embraced it, there is no point fighting it anymore, and it feels good to save people, to rid the world of monsters. It feels good to drive alone on an empty stretch of highway with the radio blaring and the wind in my hair, it feels good to know that i'm making a positive impact on the world.

But sitting here, being faced with the reality that I never had a choice in the matter, that I was told that this is where my life was going, and I had to adapt to loving this life, that I had to bend or break, and I chose to bend. The fact that if someone asked me right now, if I was happy with what I did with my life, I would tell them yes, because while I went through horrors no one should have to, I saved people, and everything I sacrificed, I would sacrifice all over again, because I know what other people gained from my suffering. But if anyone had asked me 20 years ago, if I wanted to be a hunter for the rest of my life, I would have told them no, I would have told them that I wanted to become an engineer, that I wanted to go to college, that I wanted to marry someone and have kids. But no one asked me.

AN So this is a little insight into Dean's head. Thoughts? Good? Bad? Meh? Lemme know what you think. :)