The Talisman VII: The Journey
by chips challenge
Chapter Eleven: And now...
Nice was the word that Harry would have used to describe the wake. The ceremony had been in honor of all five people who had lost their lives in the attack. Harry and Snape had been forced to watch everything from the corner of the room where nobody would accidental run into them. There had been live music representing the favorite songs of all the honored dead. People had been given the opportunity to speak if they wished. It was during this portion of the ceremony that Harry learned about many other people that Jenner had helped during his lifetime. He felt bad that he couldn't share with them and with everyone what Jenner had done for him. On the other hand, though he really had no desire to speak about such private things to strangers, but he thought they should all know that he wouldn't be here today or in any condition to help them all with the war looming ahead if it weren't for Jenner. Harry knew that he had to do something for Jenner - something that would honor him and something that would help make up for the fact that Harry couldn't do anything to help him when Jenner had needed it most -in two situations actually. He had a lot to make up for.
As soon as they had returned from Jenner's wake, Professor Snape had gone into his private room and closed the door. Harry had seen that Snape had been affected by the ceremony, and he felt a little guilty that he was glad that Snape hadn't wanted to talk with him afterwards. Maybe Harry should have been the one to try and comfort Snape, but he didn't have any idea what to say, and he wanted to be alone himself. Harry had not heard a sound from the room in the past three hours, time which he had spent meditating and practicing his Occlumency
When thinking about what he could do to honor Jenner and get on with his life, The first thing that came to Harry's mind was he had to get over his fear of his own magic. He had to learn to control it and how to use it so that he could do what he had been prophesied to do. If he couldn't do that, then nothing else would matter. Harry still hadn't heard anything from Snape's room, but he couldn't wait any longer. He couldn't remain still any longer. He had to get started. So, he gathered his apprentice robe from where he had left it before starting his meditation and went out to the forest behind the house. Harry knew the limits of the protection on the safe house. Snape had been very clear that he wasn't to go beyond them for any reason unless Snape was there with him. But Harry didn't plan to go beyond the limits, he just need to get far enough away from the house that he wouldn't damage it or anything inside it.
Harry took the main path into the forest and quickly veered off in the direction that would take him farthest from the house the quickest. Once he could no longer see the house, he stopped and turned around slowly. He could see nothing but trees in any direction. He had found a good place to try his magic, but what spell should he try? Alohomora came to mind first, but he couldn't really unlock a tree, so he would have no way to know if he was doing it correctly. Jelly legs? Again he had only trees to practice on. Maybe something simpler. One of the first spells that he had ever learned...lumos.
He put his hand out and conjured up the bright image that he thought of when performing the spell without his wand, but when he tried to execute the spell, nothing happened. He didn't feel a surge of magic, he didn't see a hint of light. Just nothing.
Maybe he wasn't trying hard enough. He took a deep breath and then took a full minute to conjure up the image of the spell, but when he tried to release it again...he felt nothing and saw nothing. Maybe that was the wrong spell. Maybe he should be tying something that he knew he could do. He had knocked out two Aurors during the attack. Maybe he should try doing that spell. This time the image was completely different and much stronger. Harry was sure that he would feel the magical energy when he released the spell. But he felt nothing. Not even a release of power. But there could be no release of power when none had built up to begin with. What was wrong? Why couldn't he do any spells now?
Harry knew that he just had to keep trying. He conjured up the image again and again. And again and again he felt nothing. He tried focusing his thoughts on the tree that he was trying to knock down, but still nothing. He felt the sweat beading on his forehead. He knew that he was working hard, but no matter what he tried or how hard he tried to do it, nothing made the tree even sway. The wind wasn't even blowing. In his frustration, Harry went over to the tree and shoved all his weight against it. Of course the huge trunk didn't budge. He tried to shove it down again, but knew it was futile and exhaled as he leaned against the tree in defeat.
"Apprentice, how long have you been out here attempting such feats?" Snape asked.
Harry looked up, though he really didn't need to, and saw his Master standing under the shade of an equally strong tree looking over at him. Harry knew, or he should have known, that his actions - whatever they were, wouldn't stay under his Master's radar for long.
"Not long," Harry replied slightly embarrassed to be caught trying to push down a tree. "It's a big tree. I know I'm not strong enough. I was just frustrated."
Snape raised an eyebrow and rephrased his question, "I meant how long have you been attempting to do magic under a null field?"
Huh? Harry thought. Oh... "Oh umm awhile I guess."
"Awhile? You guess?" Snape repeated. "Be more precise, Apprentice."
"Umm..." Harry thought. He didn't really have any idea. "What time is it, Sir?" he asked.
"6:15," Snape replied without hesitation.
It was dinner time. When he was an Apprentice, Snape expected him to be at the table in his rooms or in the great hall at 6:00 on the dot for dinner.
"3 hours," Harry guessed. "Maybe four."
Snape sighed audibly but said nothing.
"I didn't know there was a null field."
"Obviously," Snape replied.
"Why is there a null field here anyway? What are we supposed to do if someone tries to attack us? Why didn't you tell me?" Harry asked his questions in rapid succession.
"It was necessary. It is not permanent. And I should not have needed to tell you," Snape answered.
It was necessary because his magic was out of control, Harry thought. Snape could remove it if necessary, so it really was in place just because of him. And Harry knew that he shouldn't have gone off to try his magic on his own. He knew that before he tried it, and yet he couldn't stop himself. He didn't want to disturb Snape, and he didn't want to wait. More truthfully, he didn't want Snape to know just how poor his magical ability and control were just now. He should have known better. He did know better, and he didn't have any excuse. He just nodded.
Snape continued looking at him, but didn't say anything. Harry knew that he wasn't out out of trouble yet, but that Snape had something more pressing on his mind.
"We need to dissipate your magical energy," Snape said.
Harry looked away and then down at the ground as he spoke softly, "I wasn't actually able to conjure any magic."
"You did. I can feel it from here," Snape said.
"I don't feel anything," Harry replied.
"You will when I remove the field," Snape said.
Harry felt his heart beat quicken. If he had build up enough energy that Snape could actually feel it, assuming that he could, there was no way that Harry would be able to control it. That's why they needed the field in the first place. To prevent the explosion that Harry was sure would occur if Snape let down the field.
Harry felt himself shaking his head as he backed away from his Master. "No, you can't," Harry said.
"Stop right now, Apprentice," Snape stated.
Harry stopped. He wouldn't disobey a direct order. He shouldn't have disobeyed the implicit order not to try something this stupid on his own.
"You cannot run away from your magic."
"I know," Harry replied. Though at that moment, he very much wanted to try.
"Sit down."
Harry looked around. They were still in the middle of the forest with nothing to sit on but the ground. "Here?"
"I would prefer that you do not destroy the house. Yes, here."
Harry pulled his robes tightly around his body and sat down. He wanted to curl up in a ball, bury his head and try to forget about what was happening outside himself.
"It was a joke," Snape said with a slightly lighter expression that most other students wouldn't have noticed. Snape kneeled down on the ground in front of Harry and placed his wand on the ground between them.
Harry watched the seriousness of his Master, and that was what scared him. Harry still felt nothing.
"You know how to dissipate energy," Snape stated.
"Yes, Sir," Harry replied even though it wasn't a question. He did know how, and his Master had taught him so he knew that Harry knew, which was why Snape's concern worried him.
"You will need to allow me to help you with the excess energy."
"Allow me access through the bond. You will need to dissipate as much energy as you can, but you can't try to hold back the energy that you can't control. You must let it out and allow me to dissipate it."
"But what if you can't?" Harry bit his tongue as he spoke the last word knowing that he shouldn't have asked.
"I will," Snape replied.
"Give me you hands and let's begin. Do not hold on to any of the energy. Do not block me."
Harry extended his hands and allowed his Master to take them. Then, he tried to clear his mind. He didn't know what else to do.
"Don't try to do anything," Snape said.
Harry took a deep breath and struggled against his instinct to close off his mind.
"NOW."
Harry felt the null field dropping around him. It was like a magical field that had been held tightly against him was now gone. It had been so tight that it felt like his skin, and he hadn't even noticed that it was there, and now it was gone. He felt naked, like the true air was touching him for the first time.
He suddenly felt powerful. He could feel all of the power that had been building up in his body, and it was too much. It was too much for Snape, he was sure of that.
No. Heard his master's voice in his head the moment he thought of blocking him from his power.
You must trust me.
Harry wasn't sure the he could trust Snape; he was even less sure that he could trust himself. He just gave up and let it go. He felt a white power over him, draining from him, exploding from him, and he did nothing. He just let the feeling overwhelm him and take him out.
Some time later, the feeling ended. The power was gone, and Harry felt empty and drained. He felt cool air on his skin and could tell that the evening had turned to night. Harry knew that he had to get up. If he were still laying outside like this, then Snape must be worse off. He had to help his master.
Harry struggled to a seated position and leaned his back against the nearest tree. He didn't feel any pain, he was just completely drained, and he just wanted to sleep. In the bright glow of the full moon, Harry could see Snape lying on the ground several feet away from him. Harry could see him moving and assumed that the must be awake, but he wasn't getting up.
"Professor?" he spoke as loudly as he could, which he realized may not have even been loud enough to carry over the slight breeze.
"Master?" Harry spoke again louder remembering to use the proper title.
Harry didn't hear anything from his master and he didn't see any more movement, so he decided that he would have to move. He pushed his knees under him and half-walked half-crawled over to the ground where his master was lying.
"Harry take the potion in the left pocket of my robe now," Snape whispered.
He found his teacher's robes and found one small vial in the left pocket. He could tell that there were vials in other places, but he left them alone since didn't know what any of the potions were.
"What should I do with it?" Harry asked. He looked back to Snape and saw that the man's eyes were closed. He wasn't moving again. What was he supposed to do? Should he take the potion or should he give it to Snape? The logical thing to do seemed to be to give it Snape, since he was in worse shape, but Snape had told him to take it. Or had he just meant get it? He had to make a decision.
If Snape had wanted Harry to give him the potion, he would have said so. His master was nothing if not precise. Harry pulled off the cork and quickly drank the potion. He immediately started to feel his strength coming back to him and as he did, he knew that he had made the right decision. Soon he was able to lift himself to his feet and he walked back towards the house.
Once inside, Harry opened the door to the room that he had assumed was Snape's bedroom and workroom. Once he had lit a candle and taken a quick look around, he could see that it was just a workroom. One of the two doors in the back of the room must have led to Snape's personal rooms, but that wasn't what Harry was interested in at the moment. Harry walked straight to the cabinet that held stores of vials very similar to the one Harry held in his hand. Harry looked at the label and saw the short hand note that Snape used when labeling his own potions. Harry didn't know what it meant, but he didn't have to know. He just needed to find some more.
Harry quickly located two neat rows of vials containing the same potion by comparing the symbols on the label. He grabbed four of the vials and rushed out of the house as quickly as he could back to the place in the forest where he had left his Master. Snape hadn't moved since Harry had left, so Harry knelt down beside him and carefully dripped the potion from the first vial into his mouth. After emptying the vial, Harry waited. He wasn't sure how long the potion was supposed to take, but it had affected him pretty quickly.
When nothing happened after two long minutes, Harry uncorked another vial of potion and repeated the process of giving to to Snape. Almost immediately, Snape moved his head towards Harry and opened his eyes.
"One more," he said.
Harry uncorked another vial and was able to help Snape bring it to his mouth to drink. Then, Snape was able to sit up, and he looked his apprentice over quickly.
"You should take another one, too," he said.
Harry bit his tongue before he could reply that he was fine and didn't need to take the final potion. Instead he just took out the last vial and drank it.
"We should go inside," Snape said after a moment of silence.
Harry nodded. "I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't know you would get hurt."
"I am not hurt, and if you would have done anything differently we both probably would have been," Snape replied.
"Not if I wouldn't have done that in the first place," Harry said under his breath though he knew his Master would hear him.
"You do have demerits to work off after dinner."
After eating the dinner that Snape had prepared earlier, Harry found himself back in the work room this time he was brewing replacement potions for those that he and Snape had just used. Snape usually only assigned Harry potion brewing when he wanted to teach him to focus on details and concentrate; however, this time, Harry was sure that it was just a punishment. But Harry felt that he deserved it so he said nothing and did the work to the best of his ability. He was glad that Snape was there watching over his shoulder the whole time and fixing his mistakes, because he was pretty sure that they would need that potion again soon.
After the potions were neatly lined up on the shelf in the cabinet, Snape let Harry into the training room. Snape knelt down on the floor in a meditation position and gestured for Harry to join him. Harry knelt down across from his Master.
"We need to discuss your apprenticeship training and the rules that you must follow in order to continue in the program," Snape said.
Harry nodded and kept his head down. He knew that he hadn't had to follow the strict discipline of the apprentice program since he'd started his journey. He had hardly started back training before the most recent attack, but Harry was happy to hear that Snape wanted to discuss the rules. Harry wanted the rules back. He wanted the training back. He needed the intensity of his apprenticeship right now.
"You are not to practice magic or attempt to practice magic of any kind without my knowledge, consent, and for now my presence."
"Yes, sir," Harry responded.
"I mean no magic at all. No lumos, no accio nothing."
"I understand," Harry replied. And he did; it was just like when he was at the Dursleys. He would just have to remember to think before trying anything magical. He wouldn't be able to let the magic come naturally as it had started to since he'd been at Hogwarts.
"We will set aside at least four hours every day for physical and magical training," Snape said.
Harry thought that that would not be nearly enough time, but he just nodded his head. Snape had said at least four hours not no more than four hours.
"We will decide when you have your magic under control enough to loosen these rules."
"Yes, sir," Harry replied.
"Your other time here will be spent doing research on the topics you previously chose for your apprenticeship unless you have decided to change your focus."
When Harry didn't respond immediately, Snape added, "Have you decided to change your focus, Apprentice?"
"No sir," Harry said. "I still want to focus on the spells and dark arts."
"Very well. Finally, you will also meet regularly with a psychologist associated with Jenner's office and the ministry."
Harry looked up at that and felt an irrational fear start to build up inside his chest. He wanted to say no, but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't say no to anything that Snape required of him for his apprenticeship. He felt his words stuck in his throat and he didn't know if he could even ask any questions.
"I know that it will not be easy for you, but it is one of the Ministry's requirements for them to allow me to train you. And it is a requirement that I agree with."
But...Harry wanted to say. He could think of a million reasons why he couldn't. And there was only one reason why he would. When he looked up at Snape, he saw that the older man really did seem concerned, and Harry felt that Snape really did think that meeting with a psychologist would help him. Harry couldn't say no, but he couldn't make himself agree either.
"I have contacted the person that Jenner recommended if he were ever unavailable. His name is Dr. Jerry Bradley. His training is from a Muggle university, and he is not magical though he comes from a magical family."
A squib, Harry thought. "He won't be able to do occlumency," Harry said out loud.
"No," Snape said without elaborating on any of the implications of that fact.
"Do you know him?" Harry asked, finally voicing one of his many questions.
"No, I have not met him. However, he was recommended by Jenner for you."
That meant that Jenner trusted him. Harry nodded.
"If you agree to see him, he will have to give regular reports to the Ministry about your health. The ministry requires a third party to assure them that you are in the best situation."
For who? Harry thought. Surely they didn't really care about him. "It won't be confidential?"
"Yes, it will be confidently just as it was with Jenner. Dr. Bradley will make very general reports to the Ministry as Jenner also did. And he will also keep me up to date with your progress in the same way that Jenner did. Anything specific that you discuss with him will be private between the two of you."
Unless I'm trying to hurt myself, Harry thought to himself, but he didn't say anything. He didn't want Snape to say it. He wanted Snape to stop talking about it and to stop bringing up Jenner's name.
"He is available to meet with you tomorrow morning at 10. Will you meet with him?"
"Yes, sir," Harry replied without hesitation. He wanted to get off the subject, especially since he knew that he would have to agree, and he even knew that Snape was probably right and that he should agree. He just wanted to avoid the whole subject.
"Very well. Let me see your physical training drills, so that I can see what modifications need to be made now that you back in full training," Snape said.
Harry felt a small breath of relief leave him as he got up. He knew that he was a little behind on his physical training, but he was ready to do whatever he needed to get back into shape and back on track.