Disclaimer: I owneth this not.
Author's Note: I said, and I quote, "the next one really is going to take time". That's what I said right? Right? I thought as much, so how did this happen? GULCH! I will admit, writing the last chapter did provide inspiration for where this one should go.
...
Officer Gulch would admit that he hadn't been paying the strictest attention to the conversation. He considered it one of the advantages of being a bodyguard rather than a cop: it wasn't what people were saying that mattered so much as what they were doing. As long as no one was declaring their intention of murdering the entire royal family, Gulch felt free to tune them out in favour of attempting to teach sign language to Princess Azkadellia's new baby mobat Kansas.
That is not to say the policeman wasn't keeping at least some track of the present dialogue. Since his rather major gaffe of not knowing the princess' birthday, the cop had begun paying a bit more attention to the discussions going on around him lest some other insidious event try to catch him unawares. He still had no idea how he'd escaped the repercussions of not having a present on hand for his charge's birthday. Hell, he very much wanted to know why he'd been further treated to a night out at a local tavern (the proprietor of which had not only recognized them, but was also relieved to learn someone intended to pay). When Gulch had insisted on getting something for the princess she had decided to claim his handcuffs as her gift. This was somewhat odd given that she had basically stolen them the day he arrived in the O.Z. – he never saw them when not being cuffed to something or someone – and, really, it kind of made him nervous. He hadn't considered himself in the position to argue, however.
This all being so, the cop kept half an ear open to the ongoing council session while he attempted to teach Kansas how to say hello. As far as he could tell, the topic of debate was the people's desire to hold a celebration on the anniversary of the Eclipse in honour of its heroes and the liberation of the O.Z. They had wanted to do so last year but the continuing trouble with the Longcoats had made it impossible. Thankfully that problem was all but taken care of at this point, so really, why not have a ball?
Isn't that just great? Gulch thought, less than happy at the prospect.
He would have been even less happy – he'd be downright frightened actually – had he known that the eldest princess was sneaking covert glances in his direction, visions of strollers and baby booties dancing in her head every time she saw him with the mobat. Wyatt Cain, widower and father, knew that look well and mentally patted the policeman on the back in commiseration. Poor fellow had no idea how doomed he was.
The plans for the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration and Ball were going on smoothly until one of the advisors had brought up a 'small' problem: they didn't think that Princess Azkadellia should attend.
"You have to understand, Your Majesties," the spokesman said plaintively, "that this will be an event in commemoration of not only the Heroes of the Eclipse, but also those that fought and died to end a war that, quite frankly, the eldest princess was on the other side of."
DG sat forward angrily, mouth opening to deliver blistering retort.
"Please don't misunderstand me," the buffoon insisted, holding up a hand to forestall her, "I mean no disrespect but the fact remains that Princess Azkadellia was the face of the sorceress and even now is seen as the enemy by much of the O.Z. Now that the truth is known, Princess DG herself only escapes censure...
The Tin Man, already angry at the advisors diatribe, snapped to attention, his hand falling to his gun. The idiot spokesman owed his continued existence to the fact that DG, already having made peace with her past, did not react negatively to the perceived accusation.
"...because she was not only very young at the time but she was the one that saved us in the end. And yes," he continued, cutting off DG's attempted heated interjection once more, "we all realize the eldest princess was also quite young when this all started, but the fact remains that the O.Z. saw her constantly since, and well into adulthood, working to destroy the O.Z. while serving as host to the true evil. Frankly, Your Majesties, we don't think it would be appropriate for her to be there when so many feel she is to blame."
A shocked, angry silence reigned in the council chamber. This, coming just three days after a pompous lord had endeavoured to deliver a backhanded insult at the Princess Azkadellia's birthday celebration, seemed almost a deliberate attack on the eldest princess.
"What I've always wondered," said Officer Gulch absently, making the 'hello' sign once more, "is who lets young children play in a bear infested forest containing prisons for deranged wicked witches."
The Queen and Consort paled. Several of the lords, formerly charged with advising on the education and care of the young princesses, suddenly looked chagrined.
"Especially considering one of those children was DG. I've known since the first time I pulled her out of Farmer Spencer's bullpen that she was a magnet for trouble. From what I've heard, she demonstrated this quality early on."
Since Cain could not deny this charge and as DG was starting to look amused, the cop remained unshot.
"For that matter," Gulch continued reflectively, "who puts a powerful evil being in a prison a five year old can unlock?"
Another contingent of advisors, who liked to claim as ancestor this or that individual who helped to conquer and/or imprison the witch in the first place, looked like they'd been forced to suck an entire bag of lemons.
"At the very least they could have made the magic words amount to something more than 'hey, I wonder what's back here'. Might as well of used 'Open Sesame', it's like locking Hannibal Lector up in a kiddy pen."
DG and Ahamo, the only ones to understand the Otherside references, choked back laughter.
"Y-yes, but..." one lord tried to interject, unfortunately Gulch was distracted by Kansas' close approximation of the hello gesture and so he went unheard.
"All things considered," Gulch mused on, switching to the sign for beautiful, "Princess Azkadellia has done remarkably well. Take the my word for it, any other child raised by a psychopath such as this witch you all talk about would be bathing in your blood and dancing in the fields wearing your spleen as a hat. Instead the princess somehow managed to grow into a caring, responsible individual who is not only hell bent on setting things right but also has the interests of the people very much at heart."
"Yes, but some people think..."
"My father always used to say, 'if you wait for everyone to agree with you you'll never get anything done'," the cop interrupted idly. "You know, I think Kansas is hungry," he said, losing all interest in the advisors.
"Perhaps you should get him something to eat," replied Azkadellia, lip twitching, face endeavouring to keep up with the myriad of emotions flying across it.
Officer Gulch hesitated; he was currently the eldest princess' acting bodyguard.
"I've got it," said Wyatt can-I-just-shoot-them-already Cain setting his gun on the table.
Nodding, the cop exited in search of baby mobat food.
"You know," Princess Azkadellia said when he was gone, "if he keeps doing that, one of these days I'm just going to have to jump him."
Glancing at her Tin Man, DG replied, "I know what you mean."
Meanwhile, Officer Gulch was wending his way through the halls of the palace on the way to the kitchen. It took some doing as Finaqua Palace was currently filled to capacity with nobility; the gathering provided by Princess Azkadellia's birthday had turned into what the policeman chose to think of as a political convention. Everywhere you looked groups of nobles, advisors and army commanders stood plotting, scheming, and occasionally brainstorming, some looking out for their own ends, others actually thinking how to help repair the O.Z. And through it all moved a country cop who'd never been forced to learn politics.
"I'm telling you," Gulch overheard one lord tell another, "that my boy would have a real chance at the Consortship if he'd just bestir himself. He spent most of the night with the Princess DG during that ball they held here, oh a year or so ago – you know, the one that bloody Tin Man went all Papay in a drought about – and who else could say as much?"
Surprised, the cop couldn't help but stop and listen. While this event must have taken place before he came to the O.Z. he really couldn't picture Wyatt hands-off-DG Cain allowing anyone, no matter how high ranked, to spend that much time in the youngest princess' company. Least not if they had any ideas of courting her.
"I keep telling him he should try taking her for a ride or something," the lord continued.
"I wouldn't do that," the policeman interrupted in the interest of preventing a future homicide, "unless you particularly want your son to be shot. Honestly, from what you just said it's amazing he's still alive, probably used up all the luck he has in this life in the process."
"And just who might you be, sir?" the lord demanded, outraged. Then, spying the mobat currently riding on Gulch's shoulder, he sneered, "Oh I see, Princess Azkadellia's bodyguard. I would thank you not to stick your nose into the concerns of your betters."
Officer Gulch, not having been raised to respect monarchies and their offal, frowned and decided to let Darwin do his work on this particular division of the gene pool. Turning his back on the idiot he returned to his original mission.
Fifteen minutes later, feeding Kansas what basically amounted to a warmed banana milk shake with tree leaves ground in, Gulch became the unwitting eavesdropper to a conversation between scullery maids. He really did his best not to listen, but the women had not only failed to notice his presence but had blocked the exit as well.
"Blah blah bravery blah blah Tin Man blah blah butt blah blah Cain," one was saying to the other, "You know, I think I'm going to ask him to go out for a drink with me."
The last sentence caught the lawman's attention. Wishing to save the girl some embarrassment and forgetting this was a conversation best kept out of, he said, "I wouldn't bother if I were you, the Tin Man's taken. I'd have thought that was obvious. Hell, I figured it out when I still lived on the Otherside and I'd only met the man twice."
The maids gasped in shock, then in outrage, and then they turned on him.
Escaping the scullery harpies eventually, Gulch was considering how to avoid future complications when he was waylaid by Tutor's voice.
"Officer Gulch," the kindly man called, "come over here, I'd like you to meet someone." When the cop complied he continued, "This is Lord Linster, Advisor of Transportation. Since I understand from DG that you specialized in highways on the Otherside, I thought you might be able to provide some insight into his Crack problems."
Astonished now, the policeman responded, "Well I never did work narcotics but I could probably put a team together. They had us take some courses at the academy that would likely be of use. How long has he been an addict? Would he be willing to roll on his suppliers and do you have any rehabilitation centers in the O.Z.?"
Tutor blinked, Lord Linster stared. Shaking his head slightly, Tutor smiled indulgently and said, "Remind me to give you some geography lessons sometime."
Dismissed, Gulch was about to head back to his post by the princess when Kansas yawned in his ear. Sighing, he altered course, might as well put the mobat to bed first.
He was nearing his destination when a friendly middle-aged lord, eager to brag, pulled him forcibly into a conversation about his latest trade agreement. The man seemed ridiculously impressed by his ingenuity of getting the Consort himself to help work out the deal with Ugabu to the mutual benefit of the crown and his barony. The lord actually believed himself to have received the most advantage out of the arrangement.
"Shouldn't think that," the cop said pensively, "the man was a carnie on the Otherside, probably swindled you out of your underwear when you weren't looking." Nodding politely, mindful of the sleepy baby mobat on his shoulder, Gulch moved on leaving the disillusioned lord gaping behind him.
Continuing through the madhouse, the policeman was starting to wonder if he would ever get anywhere as this or that conversation seemed determined to jump out and grab him. Asked for his opinion on what sounded like a proposed O.Z. version of Prohibition, the cop was firm in representing how that act on the Otherside had done nothing but increase crime and had been one of the dumbest ideas a politician had ever come up with. Attempting to work his way around a gathering of the Eastern Guild, he couldn't help but point out that the munchkins would probably get further in life if they actually listened to what a person was saying instead of insisting on working from preconceived notions. Cutting through another throng, he got in a loud argument with an ambassador who dared call Kansas a filthy beast. Words were said, threats were made, and Gulch finally just borrowed a page from Cain's operating manual and pulled a gun on the fellow. The man changed his tune.
Several discussions, debates, and confrontations later, beginning to miss the quiet, isolated confines that had been Glitch's submarine, the policeman finally made it to his chambers where, for some reason, Kansas' bed was kept. Setting the little mobat in the basket, he paused to have a fuzzywuzzy moment only to be interrupted by a commotion in the hall. Sighing, the Gulch went to go check it out – it was his duty as a man of the law.
"Officer Gulch?" a voice caused him to turn.
Click.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Gulch," the queen continued, as the cop inspected the handcuffs now attaching him to the heavy wardrobe, "you are a good man but you are a walking, talking, political, economic and domestic disaster. Not to say that what you did in the council chamber wasn't fantastic, much as the truth may hurt, but the rest of the chaos you left in your wake I could do without at the moment. If would do me the favour of staying put for a bit? Thank you. I'll have Az come let you free when we are done. Oh, and I'd stay out of the kitchens for a while if I were you."
Gulch watched the queen leave in mild bewilderment. What was he supposed to do now? At least she could have bought him a drink before chaining him to the furniture. Like mother, like daughter.