Hi guys! This will be the only update this week. It's my birthday on Monday and I won't be on the computer much during the weekend so, I hope this slightly longer chapter makes up for it!

We have a memory in this chapter. It's all in italic and marked in between horizontal lines. I hope it's clear enough.:)

Thank you again for all your support and amazing feedback, it makes me very happy!

I hope you enjoy this one! :)

Chapter 10 - I Can't Do This.

Lexa slowed down and pulled over in front of Clarke's building. She stared at the wheel, not knowing what to say while hundreds of thoughts ran through her mind. She felt Clarke's gaze on her and turned to face the blonde. They stared at each other for a moment in silence while Lexa tried to form word in her head. Clarke was faster and broke the silence.

"See you on Thursday then." She watched as the blonde reached for the car door and opened it. She widened her eyes slightly, trying to say something that would make the girl stay longer. She couldn't tell, however, why she wanted her to stay.

"Definitely, see you on Thursday."

Lexa smiled timidly and locked gazes with Clarke once more. This time, however, the blonde didn't hold her gaze. She watched as the girl returned the smile and stepped out of the car, shutting the door behind her and starting to walk towards the entrance of the building.

Lexa kept staring at the girl as if she moved in slow motion, thinking about the evening they just shared and a ton of feelings flooded her chest. She had enjoyed herself, enjoyed the company and she found herself wanting to have Clarke around for a while longer.

Her heart was beating fast and she was breathing heavily, confused with all the thoughts in her head.

You like her, you idiot. Do something about it.

A voice in her head kept repeating those words as she still looked at the blonde girl who was reaching for something in her bag. She watched as Clarke retrieved a bunch of keys from her bag and placed in the door's keyhole.

Without thinking, she opened her door and stepped out the car, calling Clarke's name.

"Clarke, wait!"

She speeds up her pace as if this was her last chance. She needed to reach Clarke, she needed to show her somehow that she had so many feelings inside of her that she couldn't understand.

"What's up?" The blonde asked as she reached her.

She wasn't in control of her actions, she wasn't in control of anything. She was letting her body take her, lead her to where she felt like she was supposed to be. She ignored the blonde's question as she carried on walking towards her. When she is close enough, she reached out and grabbed the back of the blonde's neck, pulling her towards herself and crashing their lips together. She wanted that kiss, she wanted to be close to Clarke, she wanted it to be more than just gentle. She felt the blonde lose her balance and lean against the door, putting one of her hands on her waist and the other behind her neck while pulling her even closer. She felt her heart beat faster with surprise; Clarke was kissing her back, she felt like the girl wanted that as much as she did. She captured the girl's lower lip against her teeth and bit it very lightly, feeling goosebumps grow on the blonde's neck. She opened her mouth slightly, gently licking Clarke's lips, asking for entrance that was instantly granted. She felt the blonde's tongue touching hers as she pressed her body closer to Clarke's. She felt like this was exactly where she was supposed to be. It felt right, it felt good. She caressed the back of Clarke's neck softly while their tongues explored eagerly. Lexa couldn't help but release a soft moan as the kiss deepened. She felt Clarke losing balance once more, as if the blonde's knees were weak. She captured the girl's bottom lip between hers once more and pulled back slightly, resting her forehead on Clarke's.

Her heart was still beating fast and she felt a smile growing on her lips. She still didn't know what to say as she took control of her thoughts and actions.

"See you on Thursday." She whispered without opening her eyes.

For some reason, she couldn't face Clarke. She wanted to, she wanted to look into her blue eyes but she couldn't. She then turned around and walked back to her car, starting it and driving off without looking back. After a few blocks, she pulled over once more, trying to catch her breath. She felt like she had just ran a marathon. She rested her forehead against the wheel and closed her eyes.

Slowly, her breathing got back to normal as she raised her head from the wheel. She sighed and started the car again, finishing the journey to her loft.

As Lexa got into her flat, she locked the door behind her and ran to the bedroom area. Reaching for the small chest of drawer, she took the framed photo and her notebook, placing the frame atop the chest of drawers. She looked at the beautiful brunette and smiled fondly, she then took a pen and opened the notebook.

I think I can do it. I want to do it.

I know that, wherever you are, you are smiling right now.

I know you're happy for me.

There is a long road ahead of me,I still cannot forgive myself for what I did to you.

But maybe I won't have to go down that road on my own.

Lexa smiled again and looked at the photo. With a deep breath, she took the frame and the notebook and put them back in the drawer. She couldn't control the smile that refused to leave her face. She raised her hand and gently touched her lips, closing her eyes and thinking about what she had done a few minutes before. With a quiet giggle, she walked to her bed and took her pyjamas from under the pillow and went to the bathroom. She felt tired, exhausted really but in a good way. She thought for a moment, that maybe all the pain and doubt she had inside her mind and heart would indeed go away and maybe, she will be able to forgive herself and start again.

Clarke stood under the pouring water as steam filled the small bathroom. She hoped the sensation of the tepid water running down her body would take her mind out of what happened. With her eyes closed, she raised her chin to allow the spray to touch her face. One thing was to take the initiative and kiss Lexa; but being kissed like she just had been was completely different. She was not in control and that scared her. But above all, the feelings that surfaced after that kiss were making her feel like she was about to lose her mind.

It was not possible, she did everything she could to make sure that wouldn't happen again. Also, it had been only a few days since she met the girl. It was really unlikely that she would be feeling something in such short amount of time. Still, she felt like a thousand butterflies were dancing inside her stomach.

She turned the tap closing the water and grabbed a towel. Walking out the bathroom, Clarke finished drying herself and put her pyjamas on. Taking her phone, she collapsed on her bed and tucked herself under the covers. She turned to the bedside table and took a small diary from the drawer. Flipping the pages, she let a small smile grow on her lips. Putting the diary down, she took her phone again and started a new message.

Clarke: Just checked my diary. I'm definitely free on Thursday.

Clarke changed the screen on her phone and opened a second new message.

Clarke: I think I'm in trouble.

The reply to the second message came less than a minute after.

Octavia: Do tell.

C: She kissed me.

O: Well, you kissed her last time so I suppose we have a trend?

C: It was different.

O: How?

C: Idk. She seemed eager. It was pretty hot.

O: You fucking lesbian…

C: Shut up Octavia. What do I do?

O: Why are you asking me? You're the bisexual.

C: You know what I mean.

O: Just let yourself go, princess. You'll be fine.

C: I'm scared.

O: I know. But she is not him. It's ok to like her.

C: Who said I like her?

O: Why else would you be messaging me at this time to talk about her?

C: Good night, Octavia.

O: Night, princess.

Clarke rolled in bed and put her phone on the bedside table. She stretched her arms and legs and curled under the covers. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes, attempting to fall asleep. A few minutes later, she felt herself starting to drift off but the buzz of her phone brought her back. She heavily opened her eyes and reached for the device that buzzed once more. Pressing the power button, she lit the screen that showed two unread messages. Both from Lexa.

L: That is wonderful. I also checked my schedule and I'm free. What time do you want to meet?

L: I only just noticed how late it is. I'm sorry.

C: It's ok, I'm awake. Any time is good to me.

L: How about 10am at the park's entrance? We could have some lunch after if you don't have plans.

C: Sounds great.

L: Wonderful. Good night, Clarke.

C: Good night, Lexa.

The blonde pressed the power button once again to shut down the screen but before she could put the phone down, the device buzzed again.

L: I had a great time tonight.

Clarke smiled at the message. She had a great time as well; actually, the best time she had in a long while.

C: Me too.

L: I'm sorry if I was out of line.

C: Are you?

L: Am I what?

C: Sorry. Are you sorry about what happened?

Clarke felt her muscles tensing as the reply took a small while to come. After a couple of minutes, the phone buzzed again.

L: Not really.

She smiled and released a breath she didn't notice she was holding.

C: Good.

L: Good night again. See you on Thursday.

C: See you on Thurs.

She put the phone on the bedside table and rolled to her side. As she closed her eyes, tiredness took her over quickly and she fell asleep still holding a smile.

Clarke stood at the entrance of the park, her backpack on her bag and her easel folded under her arm. She looked at the time on her phone; it was only 9:50. She felt nervous, much like she was before she met Lexa to go to the nature reserve. This time, however, she wasn't thinking the brunette would not show up. The nervousness was exactly because she was sure the girl would be there any minute. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

She spent the whole week thinking about that very moment. Clarke met with Octavia during the week and went to work on Monday and Wednesday. It would have been a normal week if it wasn't for the fact that she couldn't stop thinking about Lexa. It was a strange feeling and she felt more scared than ever. Octavia tried to make her feel better, telling her she would be fine, and that she had nothing to be scared of. She had told her friends everything that happened on the dinner date and Octavia seemed to be sure that Lexa liked her. She tried to tell her friend that she didn't like the girl but she couldn't. There was something about Lexa; something that, even though they didn't know each other for too long, made her lightheaded. Something that made her smile for no reason and her palms to go sweaty just by thinking about her.

At exactly 10am, she spotted the brunette walking towards her with a smile on her face.

"Hey!" Lexa said.

"Hey you." She couldn't help but smile. "Ready to photograph the shit out of this park?"

"Very ready! Are you ready to paint the shit out of it?"

"Well, I think we are about to find that out."

She started to turn around and started to walk inside the park when she felt Lexa's hand holding her arm. She stopped walking and turned back to face Lexa. The brunette still had a smile on her face; she watched as the girl took a step and leaned forward, capturing her lips on a soft kiss. Clarke closed her eyes as she felt Lexa's lips on hers, this time extremely gentle, as if she had no hurry.

She opened her eyes as Lexa pulled back and stared at the girl in silence.

"I could easily get used to this." She said in a whisper.

"Perhaps you should."

Clarke followed the girl with her eyes as she started walking inside the park. Taking a deep breath, she started walking behind the brunette.

Once they reached the very spot where they first met, Clarke started to set up her materials. Looking at Lexa, she saw the brunette placing her own bag on the floor and setting up a massive lens onto a camera body. She watched as the girl set up her tripod close to the easel and placed the camera on it. Bringing her attention back to her own materials, she took a small canvas from her bag and placed on the easel, fixing as well some paints, brushes and pencils. She took a pencil and started to sketch the scenario while she heard the sound of Lexa's shutter working.

"I was wondering," Clarke turned to face Lexa who spoke without taking her eyes off the viewfinder. "If it's alright for me to offer you again those extra materials that you brought back to my office. I never returned them, and maybe you could have them? As a gift?"

Clarke could sense the tension on Lexa's voice. She could see how the girl calculated each word and how she genuinely did not mean to make her feel bad for taking the materials back. She was simply offering the supplies that were of no use for her. She smiled at the girl's sincerity.

"Yea… Well, I never apologised for that. Now I realise how rude I was."

Clarke saw Lexa's face move away from the camera to face her, a concerned look in her eyes.

"No, Clarke, I didn't mean to make you think like that. I just really want you to have it because I know you'll make good use of it."

"I know. And do you know what? Why not? I can go pick it all up whenever is good for you."

She noticed the broad smile that grew on Lexa's lips as the brunette turned her attention back to her camera.

After a couple of hours, Clarke was feeling tired and hungry. She looked at Lexa who had set her tripod a bit farther from her and still had her face glued to the viewfinder. She walked towards the girl and stood right behind her.

"Anything interesting?"

She held a laughter as the brunette did a little scared jump.

"Oh my god, you scared me!" The brunette said with a grin. "And yes, a lot of interesting things."

Clarke locked gazes with the brunette, she felt like she could lose herself into those green eyes. They were deep and kind, but she could see some sadness hidden in there. She lowered her gaze to Lexa's lips and back to her eyes and started feeling a buzzing sensation in her chest. She took a step forward, getting even closer to the girl.

"What interesting things are you seeing?" She asked in a quiet voice, never looking away from the girl's eyes.

"I...many. Birds…"

Clarke grinned when she noticed that her proximity was taking the concentration away from Lexa. For some reason, she liked how that felt. Taking another step, she was only an inch away from the girl.

"What else?"

She was whispering now. She could hear and feel Lexa's erratic breathing and as she lowered her gaze once more, she noticed that Lexa was biting her own lower lip. She felt her own breathing becoming shallow. She took a deep breath and grinned teasingly. Watching as Lexa started to lean forward, she pulled herself back, leaving the brunette pressing her eyes at her tease.

"We should go grab some food, I'm starving." She said as she started to put her materials back in her bag. "I suggest The Ark. They have amazing options for lunch and I can leave my stuff at home, if that's ok with you."

"Yea, that's fine with me." She heard the brunette's voice being closer to her.

As she stood up and looked behind her, Lexa was stood with a mischievous look in her face.

Clarke felt as the brunette slid her arm on the side of her body, placing her hand on her back, pulling her and making their bodies lightly collide. She inhaled sharply with the contact and held the brunette's gaze for a moment; the girl's green eyes looked darker and she had a grin on her lips.

"I'm very hungry myself." She said in a whisper, causing the buzz in Clarke's chest to grow and her breathing to go even more erratic. She held her breath while they stared at each other. After what felt like an eternity, she watched as Lexa stepped back, still smiling. "And I also know how to tease, Clarke."

Clarke pointed at an outside table at The Ark. She handed a menu over to Lexa who chose a chicken salad. Choosing a smoked salmon sandwich, she gave the menus back to the waiter and waited for the food to be served.

"So, did you have an interesting week?" Clarke asked, taking a sip of water.

"More of the same. Photographing models is really not my thing."

"Why do you do it, then?"

"It's part of the job. I can't just deny all the photo shoots, it wouldn't be good for the office. Besides, hopefully I won't be doing for too long."

"And why is that?"

"Anya and I are trying to break a deal with a major nature magazine. If it works, I'll make some images for them. And then I'll be able to do what I really want to."

"Which is?"

"I want to travel, Clarke. I want to go everywhere!"

Clarke felt her heart beating fast. Her eyes widened and her breathing became erratic. She blinked a few times to make sure that she just heard those words.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Clarke approached the sofa and sat by his side.

"Searching online." The young man replied without taking his eyes from the computer screen.

"What for?" She insisted

"Plane tickets. They're all fucking expensive." He said in frustration.

Clarke huddled against him, taking his hand and interlacing their fingers.

"It's ok. We can go places one day." She said, reassuring him.

"I want to do it soon. I will find the money somehow 'cause I can't stand being here for much longer." He said with excitement.

"And where exactly will you find all this money?" She asked, suspicious.

"I don't know. But I will. I want to travel, Clarke. I want to go everywhere!"

"Hey, Clarke!"

Clarke shook her head and looked at Lexa who were snapping her fingers in front of her face. She focused on the brunette's gaze for a second, widening her eyes.

"There you are." Lexa said, smiling.

Clarke's heart was still racing, her head was spinning, she needed to leave. She needed to get out of there right now. She placed her palms on the table top, pulling herself up as she lowered her gaze and faced the floor.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this." She said.

"Can't do what?" Lexa's voice sounded confused.

"This, Lexa. I can't do this. I thought I could but I can't. I'm sorry."

She turned around and started walking away, not noticing that a few seconds later she was running. Tears started to stream down her face and she felt a sharp pain in her chest. She knew she couldn't do it, she knew it from the start; yet she let herself go, she let herself believe that this time, it could be different. But it wasn't. And this time she wouldn't let herself be fooled. This time, she was not getting hurt. She couldn't tell, however, why she already felt so much pain.

Lexa knocked on the door repeatedly, seeing the light on as a sign that there was someone in. She sighed in frustration and knocked again.

"Clarke, please, talk to me!"

She knocked once more but there was still no reply.

"Clarke, I don't understand. If you just open the door, we can talk."

The brunette knocked again and again, until her knuckles were red and sore. She lowered her head facing the floor and took a deep breath before turning around and walking away, not being able to know that, behind the door, a defeated Clarke Griffin sat on the floor, leaning against the door with her knees up, her face buried between her legs, unable to respond as her words would have been stopped by the guttural sobs that were leaving her throat.