Chapter 10 – I Will Follow You

Maura awakened to a disturbance in the bed. Her eyes opened slowly and adjusted to the darkness. She looked over at the clock on her nightstand and it read 1:32 am. The disturbance came again. A movement in the darkness; it was jarring. She turned over to face Jane. Jane was lying on her back with her arms tucked underneath the pillow. Her body jerked again as her head moved away from Maura's view. Maura felt heat emanating from Jane's body.

"No..." Jane's voice whimpered in the darkness.

Maura reached over to switch on the light. She turned back towards Jane and watched her for a minute. Jane was very disturbed in her dream state and Maura knew she had to wake her up, but she needed to do so carefully. She scooted over near to Jane, immediately feeling her soaring body temp. She touched her lightly on the bicep.

"Jane?" Maura whispered.

Jane snapped her head back towards Maura; her eyes were tightly clenched shut. Sweat was pouring down her face as her beautiful face was distorted in anguish. She whimpered and groaned, her eyes moving rapidly in REM mode.

"Please don't." Jane cried out, her voice was full of anguish. Her fingers clenched the pillow underneath her head; her entire body was soaked in her own sweat. "Maura…please come back."

Maura shook her gently, "Jane, I'm right here."

"Maura, no," Her body started trembling.

"Wake up, Jane," Maura gave her a brisk shake. Jane's body stopped trembling. Maura shook her again firmly. "Jane, sweetie," Her voice was calm and authoritative, "Wake up."

Jane's eyes slowly opened as she responded to Maura's command. Her pupils were very slow to contract, causing her eyes to appear onyx in color. She blinked a couple of times but seemed to stare off past Maura.

Maura leaned closer so she could focus her eyes on her. "Jane?" she whispered to her as she caressed her sweat soaked face. "You're having a nightmare, Love." She said softly as she placed a soft kiss on Jane's lips, which Jane did not respond to. Jane just stared at her, not uttering a word.

A few moments rolled by and then Jane finally blinked a couple of times as she began to wake up. "Ugh…" She groaned, "Not again."

Maura continued to caress her face reassuringly as Jane struggled to wake up. "Are you okay?"

Jane immediately shook her head and pulled Maura closer, placing a firm sudden kiss on her lips. It caught Maura off guard as she struggled to maintain the pace of Jane's fevered kiss.

"Jane," Maura pulled away, "Sweetie."

But before Maura could say anything else, Jane had latched onto her lips again, kissing her passionately and pulling Maura's body against hers. "I don't need to talk, I just need you." Her voice trembled as she took Maura's lips again.

Maura pulled away for air and looked into her eyes, "I'm not going anywhere, Jane." She stroked Jane's hair and kissed her lightly. Jane's body relaxed and she pulled Maura onto top of her, the unusual heat of Jane's body caused Maura's own body heat to rise.

"I need you right now." Jane said as she pulled Maura's head into the crook of her neck.

Maura wasted no time responding to Jane's requests. She kissed her neck, trailing soft kisses down Jane's neck and around her throat and over to the opposite side. Jane's fingers laced through Maura's hair, pulling her in closer. Maura's lips took Jane's equally as urgent as before, their two hearts quickly getting lost in the passion.

"I love you, Maur."

"I love you too." Maura said as she unsnapped the buttons on Jane's shirt and placed soft kisses down her chest.

Jane's hand guided Maura's head to where she wanted her to be at the moment. Maura obliged and kissed her nipples softly; gently tasting her soft skin that was now briny from Jane's battle in her sleep. Maura was gentle as she delicately cared for Jane's beautiful breasts. Her mind was only concentrated on being with Jane and making love to her.

Jane pulled her quickly back up to her lips and kissed her hard, her teeth nibbling on the edge of Maura's bottom lip. "Do you want to fuck me?" Jane asked; her breath was hot as it danced across Maura's lip. Maura pulled away and began her passion fueled descent on Jane.

"You know I do." Maura was nearly to the point of no return; her lips just passing Jane's belly button when she suddenly realized that she couldn't make love to Jane. Panic streaked through her body as she literally slammed the brakes before she went too far. Maura rose and stared at Jane. Her breaths were heavy as she watched the expression on Jane's face turn to confusion.

"What's wrong?" Jane asked.

Maura felt so angry on the inside, not at Jane, but at herself for forgetting. She felt her heart rise into her throat. "We can't."

"What? Why not? Why did you stop?"

Maura's eyes traveled down Jane's belly before meeting hers again. "I can't," Maura said softly, "It's not the right time."

Jane's expression was confused, but then slowly understanding crossed her face and sadness replaced confusion. "Oh man, I forgot." She said releasing Maura and sitting upright in the bed. She pulled her knees up to her chest and put her head down. "I'm so sorry, Maur. I just forgot."

Maura nodded. "I know. I did too."

Jane lifted her head and ran her figures through her hair as she looked at Maura. "I'm so embarrassed." She kinda smiled and shrugged, giving up eye contact with Maura as she looked everywhere but into her eyes.

"Oh Jane, don't be embarrassed. It's not really a big deal." Maura had meant that to be encouraging but it landed the wrong way on Jane's heart.

"Not a big deal?" Her face was distorted in misplaced hurt and anguish and her voice trembled with emotion. "It's a big deal to me, Maur."

Realizing that she had taken it wrong, Maura made quick steps to reassure her of the meaning of her words. "Jane, I didn't mean it like that."

Jane chuckled, "Yeah, that's okay either way. Everybody thinks that is not a big deal, but they aren't inside of me!"

Maura frowned. She was slightly confused. "Everybody who? Jane, what are you talking about?"

"You guys just kept on going; you didn't even care how I felt and how much it was killing me on the inside."

Maura began to slowly realize that Jane wasn't just talking about her cycle. "Jane…" Maura said reaching out to her. "I need help understanding."

"Yeah, well I need help living!"

Maura sighed. She had to force herself to calm down from the arousal because it was too quick of a change, and now Jane was obviously ready to flip out. She needed to compose herself. She got up out of the bed and slipped on her robe. She walked over the Jane's side of the bed and knelt down.

"I do care, Jane. I always have."

"Maybe you did to a certain extent, but you don't understand what it's like to be me and to suffer what I did."

Maura nodded, "You're right. I don't understand, but I do know you went through a lot."

"A lot?"

"Yes."

Jane chuckled and rolled out of the bed. She couldn't be still, she was in panic mode. She paced the floor back and forth as Maura sat waiting for her to speak. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably. Jane clenched them into fists, trying to calm herself down.

"I started my period, Maur." Jane choked up instantly with tears. "Do you know what that means?"

Maura nodded, but she didn't answer. She knew that Jane wanted to answer the question.

"It means that I no longer have my baby inside of me. It means that my body has decided to reset and move on. It means…" She cupped her mouth and stifled the whimper that came out of her mouth. "It means that I need to move on too. And I'm not ready."

Maura got up and reached out to her, but Jane rejected her advance, turning away from her instead. Maura still hugged her, pressing her face tightly into her back.

"Everyone can just move on because it's not them, Maur. Barry died, I had to move on. Then my baby died, and I'm forced to move on. Why do these things keep happening? Who's next? You?"

Maura felt Jane's body trembling with sobs. She squeezed her tighter and sighed heavily. "No, I'm not going anywhere."

Jane brought her hands up to her face and swore, "Damn it! I'm cracking up, Maur."

"Shh, I'm here," she said as she tightened her grip around Jane's waist.

Jane reached down and covered Maura's hands with her own. "Sometimes I feel like it's my fault the baby didn't survive."

"Why would you feel that?" Maura asked as she moved around to face Jane.

Jane bit her bottom lip and sighed, a thin stream of tears coursed down the side of her face. "When me and Casey made love that night, it wasn't normal."

"What do you mean?"

Jane slumped down on to the window box and cleared her throat. "I knew where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be with you like I had promised you I would be. He had texted me when he was at my front door. I mean," She put her head in her hands and sighed, "He was acting like freaking sad puppy because he flew in to surprise me. I mean, what was I supposed to do?"

Maura knelt beside her and sighed as she placed her hand on Jane's thigh.

"I told him that I was on my way out to see you, but he kept bugging me about staying and helping me through Barry's death. Truth is I didn't really want him to be with me that night. I wanted to be with you."

Maura nodded.

"But he was like: 'Oh, well I see how you're going to be. I fly out here to surprise you and all you want to do is go hang out with Maura. I deserve more.'" Jane looked up and Maura saw pain in Jane's eyes. "He made me feel bad for rejecting him, you know, and one thing led to another."

"Jane, you don't have to tell me this…"

"No, I want to." Jane sighed. "I got into it, I was really enjoying it. But only because in my mind, I had replaced him with you."

Maura swallowed hard and nodded.

"I knew that I could never have you like that, so I just pretended that Casey was you with a dick, making love to me."

"Oh Jane." Maura lowered her head and fought off an all too familiar feeling that rushed through her body.

"Yeah, pretty crazy huh? I mean, who does that?"

Maura said nothing, she was actually quite flattered.

"Anyways, it felt so good to me after I convinced myself that it was you. I mean, that was the most passionate sex that he and I ever had, until…" Jane's voice drifted off and she looked away.

"Until what?"

She sighed deeply and chuckled emptily, "Well, my dumb ass slips up and calls him by your name."

"Oh no," Maura gasped.

"Yeah. I remember saying, oh my god, I love the way you fuck me, Maur…" She laughed a bit and then her expression sobered, "and then he snapped and rightly so."

"He snapped? What do you mean?"

Jane squeezed her eyes tightly shut and bit down on her lip. Slowly she began shaking her head as she rung her hands. "I totally deserved it." She exhaled. "He…" she cupped her mouth, holding in the sob.

"Deserved what? Jane?" Maura took Jane's hands and squeezed them gently, "What did he do?"

Jane sighed heavily, "He like totally freaked out. And he said: 'You're thinking about Maura while I'm making love to you?' and I admitted that I was. All the while his dick was still inside of me, you know. Then he grabs my wrists and pins them right at my head and then he just starts fucking the hell out of me." Jane lowered her head and sniffled.

"What?!." She gasped. She was at a loss for words. Anger from deep within flashed up inside of her, blinding her momentarily. Maura squeezed her eyes shut tightly, and shivered as an overwhelming feeling of indignation washed over her.

"He kept at it until he finally came inside. So…" Jane cleared her throat and sat up straight. "The conception of our baby wasn't as romantic as one would imagine."

Maura just stared at her with a shocked expression on her face.

"And after it was over, he just blamed me for it. I guess had I not called out my best friend's name while my fiancé was making love to me, it would have ended totally different, huh?" She shrugged and waited for Maura to respond.

Maura tried her best to remain composed but the longer she looked into Jane's eyes, the more emotional she felt.

"My baby's life began in violence, and it ended in violence. And it's my fault."

"How is any of this your fault, Jane?" Maura's voice trembled as she looked up into Jane's eyes, "He raped you."

Jane shook her head, "No, he didn't."

"Yes he did!" Maura hadn't intended on raising her voice it just happened. "From what you just told me, he forced himself on you."

"We were already having sex, Maur. I mean I would have been mad too if my lover called out someone else's name."

"What?" Maura's eyes blazed with an indignation that Jane had only seen once before. Maura was angry. "Jane, how can you say that?"

"It is what it is. It happened; I can never go back and change it."

Maura just stared at her, slowly shaking her head. She felt the tears stinging the backs of her eyes. "I can't believe he did that to you!" She turned away from Jane and allowed herself to release a few tears. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Jane just shook her head, "Because I know how you feel about him. It would have complicated things. I already feel bad enough, Maur. I brought this all on myself. This would have never happened if I had just kept my fucking mouth shut." Jane cupped her mouth and as Maura reached out to her, she rejected her once again. "No, please. I'm okay. I just need…" She said backing away and around Maura, "I just need a shower. I'll be back in a while."

"Jane? Jane wait," Maura started off after her but Jane was walking briskly down the hallway. Maura caught her right before she dipped into the bathroom. "Jane… Please don't go like this?"

Jane put her hands up defensively and nodded. "I'm okay. I just want to be alone." She said even though she didn't really mean it. The look in Maura's eyes spoke volumes as she let go of her and backed away. "I'm sorry," Jane whispered as she grabbed Maura and planted a kiss on her lips. Maura held on as Jane's tears turned into sobs and she sobbed through their kiss.

She tried to pull away, but Maura held on tighter, kissing her pain away.

"Please let me go," Jane asked, but her heart pulled Maura closer and tighter.

By now, Maura's tears were streaming down her face. "Wherever you go, I will follow, remember?" She whispered, cupping Jane's face.

"Why do you want to follow me?"

Maura wrapped her arms around her and squeezed her tighter, moving around and pulling her into the bathroom. "Come with me." She said as she guided Jane into the bathroom. She sat Jane on the small chair by the door and walked over to the shower and turned it on.

The water heated up fairly quickly as Maura walked back over to Jane and took her hand.

"What are you doing" Jane asked, her body trembling as Maura took her into her arms.

"Keeping my promise." She answered as she finished unbuttoning Jane's shirt. "I promised to love you, no matter what." She said dropping her shirt to the floor.

"But Maur, we can't make love."

Maura placed a soft kiss on Jane's shoulder, "I know…Shh. Relax, my love." She said reaching around and unsnapping her bra. Next it fell to the floor.

"What are you doing then?" She whispered before she pressed her lips against Maura's forehead.

Maura didn't answer, instead she removed her robe and sighed against Jane's shoulder, taking Jane's hands and pulling them up to her torso. Jane's hands were placed gently on either side of Maura's breasts, trembling.

"It's okay." Maura wrapped her hands securely around Jane's waist and waited for Jane to unsnap her.

A moment later, Jane's trembling fingers unsnapped Maura's bra and let it fall to the ground. Maura walked backwards to the shower. She glanced down at Jane's fleece bottoms.

"I'm plugged." She chuckled lightly.

Maura smiled and removed her own underwear before she reached and tugged off Jane's bottoms and underwear in one graceful move. Jane closed her eyes, a shiver passing over her body suddenly as Maura stepped backwards carefully into the shower.

She reached and took Jane's hand and pulled her in with her. Jane gazed into Maura's eyes as the warm water poured over their bodies. As she gazed into her eyes, Jane found comfort and security, something that she hadn't felt in a very long time. Her heart swelled up in her chest as Maura reached up and stroked her hair, whispering "I love you", ever so softly against her lips.

Her eyes stung with tears as she leaned in and placed her head on Maura's shoulder. Maura wrapped her hands around Jane's neck and pulled her in closer, placing soft kisses on her cheek and temple.

"Dance with me," Maura whispered into her ear as she began a slow sway back and forth while she strummed Jane's hair.

"I can't… I'm hurting so bad, Maur."

"I know…" Maura said, continuing to carefully slow dance with Jane in the shower. Eventually Jane picked up the rhythm and tightened her grip around Maura, dancing close to her, their hearts beating in the same rhythm as the other. "I can feel your pain so strongly," she placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I know you can. I'm sorry for what I said. I know you care." Jane inhaled heavily and let out a quivering sigh. Next, a sob came out suddenly, overwhelming Jane as she buried her face into Maura's neck. "Make it stop."

Maura cupped her face and pulled her in for a deep kiss. Maura's lips trembled as she captured Jane's absorbing her pain into her own body. Each time Jane released her, Maura would take another kiss. "I'm never letting you go, Jane." She placed a soft kiss on her chin.

Jane choked up and bit her lip as she pressed her forehead against Maura's. Her knees seemingly grew weak and she knelt down in the shower. Her emotions getting the best of her. Maura followed her and embraced her, pulling her into her bosom as she cried.

Maura allowed a few minutes to roll by as she stroked Jane's hair, holding her close as she cried in her arms. Maura laid her head against Jane's and placed continuous soft kisses on the top of her head.

"I know you feel empty right now, but I promise you, we will fill that void together." Maura's breath was warm against Jane's face.

"How?"

Maura wished she had an answer for that question. "We are going to figure that out… together."

"Oh, Maur." Jane embraced her tighter and bawled her eyes out.

Maura reached and turned the shower down a little and settled into the corner of the tub, pulling Jane closer than ever. She inhaled deeply and she couldn't stop the sorrow that came out of her as she exhaled. She joined Jane and cried along with her…

Minutes passed, possibly an hour before their tears dried up. Maura reached and turned the shower off and got out of the tub to retrieve a towel. Jane remained in her spot as Maura dried herself off and brought the towel to Jane.

She sat down on the edge of the shower and dried Jane's top portion off. Jane took the towel and finished the rest. Maura stood and walked towards the door.

"I'll be in the bed waiting for you, Love." She said softly.

Jane nodded, "I'm probably not coming to bed yet."

Maura smiled. "Okay." She turned slowly and disappeared out of the bathroom.

Maura reached over and switched the light off and settled her head onto the pillow. It was so cold without Jane lying beside her. She closed her eyes and exhaled softly. A moment later Jane appeared in the doorway and walked quietly over to the bed. She pulled back the covers and slid in. Maura turned over and sighed with relief, thankful that Jane had chosen to be with her instead of being alone.

She reached out and touched Jane's face as Jane covered her hand with her own.

"Hey baby," Jane whispered.

"Hi." Maura smiled gently at her. "Are you getting sleepy?"

"Yeah." Jane said as she moved closer to Maura and allowed Maura to embrace her.

They flipped into their customary position with Maura as the big spoon, holding Jane close into her arms. She placed a soft kiss on the back of her neck and inhaled her sweetness.

"Thanks for what you did earlier."

"I needed a shower." Maura said.

Jane chuckled and playfully elbowed her. "That was really special to me." Jane leaned back received a sweet kiss from Maura.

"It was special to me too, Jane." She said as she wrapped her arm around Jane, resting her hand on her belly. "Do you want to try again one day?"

Jane sighed, "I think I may be too afraid to try."

"I understand." Maura kissed her lightly on the cheek. "I would carry the baby for us."

Jane turned to look into her eyes, "Are you serious?"

Maura nodded, "Yes, I am. I'll do it for us."

Jane's lips began to tremble as her eyes gave way to tears, "Oh my god."

Maura leaned in and kiss her until her tremors passed. "I love you." She whispered to her.

"I'm so glad." Jane responded.

After a few moments, Maura finally released her and laid her head down on the pillow beside Jane. "Let's go to sleep." She yawned, "I'll make us breakfast in the morning. And maybe then we can go for a walk later."

"I'd like that." Jane said softly.

"Good, me too." Maura sighed contently and settled in to fall asleep.

Jane stayed awake however, thinking about what happened earlier. She was in a panic mode and Maura stayed with her, even deciphering that she didn't want to be alone. And what happened in the shower was truly special to her. It wasn't a sexual thing. It was an emotional and spiritual moment. Maura refused to leave her in her time of absolute need.

She refused to leave…

Jane inhaled deeply and covered Maura's hand with her own. Maura responded by pulling her closer. She'd already fallen asleep and was responding to Jane's movements in her sleep. She was truly a special woman.

For the first time in a very long time, that dull churning pain she felt every day, every hour, every minute, and every second, had ceased. Now whenever she took a breath, instead of a sharp hot stabbing pain, she felt a calm descend over her. This was definitely a start to something better.

She swallowed her heart and closed her eyes. If she must move on, she would do so courageously. With Maura by her side, she knew that she could do and accomplish anything. As she contemplated Maura carrying their baby, her heart began to anticipate that time in the future when she could share that very special joy with Maura.

That was her hope. It was their hope...

Note: Thanks for reading. The drama will decrease, and the happiness will again abound in the coming chapters. I love writing the girls bonding and loving and just being happy together. Your reviews are welcomed. Thank you all who have reviewed this story so far. Keep following, exciting times are in store for them. :-)