Chapter 10: Alexithymia: Inability to describe emotions verbally.
The Rosalie Institute wasn't actually as depressing as Haley thought it would be.
Although the building was large and made solely out of grey brick, there was a park surrounding the building which leaked some sense of tangible happiness. Haley fiddled with the window shutters allowing a beam of weak sunlight to flood into the small room.
It was the first time Haley had been able to visit her sister. Vivian had been allowed to have visitors since the previous week and since it was a Saturday, Haley had taken the train to the Institute.
"Viv, how are you feeling?" Haley asked gently, sitting on the end of Vivian's bed. Her sister bunched her white sheets up in her fists and brought her hazy blue eyes down from where they had been fixated on the ceiling so that she was looking at Haley. Vivian shrugged, her eyes pooling with noticeable tears.
"I'm so sorry I didn't realise how unhappy you were." Haley said, trying to choke down the intense guilt she was feeling.
"It's okay." Vivian responded softly. "Hay? Can I have a hug?" The broken tone of her voice hadn't changed.
Haley nodded her head, moving to sit beside Vivian on the bed before wrapping her arms tightly around her older sister. When they moved back Vivian leaned down to rest her head on Haley's chest. It was weird, Vivian was five years older than Haley and when they were younger it would have been the other way around. It was time for Haley to be the strong one.
"Mum hasn't visited me." Vivian croaked, she paused for a moment before continuing, "She's not going to, is she?"
Haley took in a deep shaky breath. She knew how much her mother wanted to come see Vivian, but she also knew she never would. This whole situation reminded her mother to much of her father.
"Viv, I know mum really wants to see you." Haley started gently, "She's just really busy right now."
The lie sounded pathetic, even to Haley who had uttered it.
"She hates me doesn't she?" Vivian asked sounding on the verge of breaking down in tears. Haley opened her mouth to disagree but Vivian continued. "Everyone hates me. I mean I don't blame them. I hate me too."
"Vivian that's not true." Haley disagreed, her voice thick with unshed tears. "You're my big sister, and I love you so much."
Vivian looked up at her with large glassy eyes and Haley turned to rummage through her bag.
"I brought you something." Haley said, finally grasping onto what she was looking for and passing it to Vivian.
"Mr Waffles?" Vivian asked, looking down at the teddy bear Haley had had since childhood. "You love this bear."
"I think you need it more than me right now." Haley said.
"Thank you." Vivian murmured sincerely, a tear streaking down her face and Haley reached out to brush it away. "Haley?" She asked a moment later.
"Yeah?"
"I'm really sad." Vivian clutched onto the teddy bear and turned away from Haley. Haley didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to help her sister more than anything.
But how do you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?
Ten minutes later she walked quickly through the waiting room of the Institute. She really didn't like the inside of this place. They had obviously attempted to make it seem optimistic by painting the walls yellow and positioning bouquets of flowers at every literal area of the room. But honestly the whole place just seemed really off, dreary and well… sad.
"Haley?" The voice made her turn around instantly. A wave of shock radiated through her as she saw Nathan sitting at one of the chairs in the waiting room.
"What are you doing here?" Haley asked, moving over to where he was seated and taking the seat beside him.
"I could ask you the same thing." Nathan replied.
Haley tucked her legs onto the seat and turned to Nathan just deciding to be honest with him. "You remember when I was upset a couple weeks ago." When he nodded in confirmation she continued. "Well one of my sister's Vivian tried to kill herself. She's staying here now, and I was just visiting her."
"That sucks." Nathan replied. He didn't apologize and she was grateful for that.
"What about you?" Haley asked curiously.
Nathan froze for a moment. No one besides Lucas knew about his Mum. But for some reason he felt like he could tell Haley anything without receiving judgement.
"It's my Mum." Nathan said, "She's lived here for a few years. She was a drug addict. After her and my Dad divorced she kind of lost it. One day she couldn't find her pills and she slit her wrists. She came really close to dying too, but she was found before she bleed out. Now she lives here. I was just visiting her."
Haley shook her head sadly. Nathan was staring down at his lap with a dejected expression painted on his face. She reached out and took his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together. Nathan looked up in surprise. He stared into her beautiful brown eyes and felt immensely better instantly, he couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from turning up into a small crooked smile.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" Nathan asked, "I could use a break before I have to go back in."
Haley nodded and Nathan stood, tugging her off the waiting room chair. They then walked into the outside park.
As it was nearing the end of November the freezing emotionless air sliced through the thin cotton of Haley's long sleeve shirt and nipped viciously at her exposed skin.
The sky was a lifeless grey colour and the clawed trees were now bare. A few stray autumn leaves shifted around their feet as they ambled down the cobblestone pathway.
"How's your sister?" Nathan asked, absentmindedly swinging their linked hands back and forth.
"Sad." Haley said, using the one word she could think of to describe her sister's disconnected and blank expression. "She didn't used to be like this."
"What did she used to be like?" Nathan prompted.
"She was happy." Haley murmured, "It was a long time ago, but I remember. Before Emmett's accident and my father's prosecution. She was fifteen. Believe it or not she was the most optimistic person in my entire family. Always cheerful, encouraging someone, never dwelling on the negatives. Then Emmett died. They were always close, Emmett only being two years older than her. It was like something inside her broke. She wasn't the same after that."
It was silent for a brief moment. The wind whispered through the leafless trees and Haley could hear the sound of Nathan's steady breathing beside her. He squeezed her hand gently and she immediately felt a rush of warmth flood through her.
"How about your mother?" She asked, blinking up at Nathan through her long dark eyelashes.
"The same as she's been for years. Which isn't a good thing." Nathan said, "She just seems detached. Like she's isolated herself from this world completely. She hasn't spoken a word to me in two years. I think she blames me."
"Nathan I'm sure that's not true." Haley responded, tightening her grip on his hand.
"Maybe not." He murmured, "But it sure feels like it."
At that exact moment a concentrated gust of wind ripped through the park. Haley couldn't stop the shudder that tore through her body. She rubbed her free hand up and down her arm in a vain attempt to generate some source of heat.
"Are you cold?" Nathan asked, mentally smacking himself for not noticing sooner.
"I'm fine." Haley protested. Nathan ignored her objections and pulled off Tree Hill Academy Ravens jacket. He then slipped her arms through the jacket, before fastening it up and rubbing her arms to produce warmth.
"Thanks." Haley sent him an embarrassed smile as they started walking again.
Without thinking Nathan reached out and entwined their fingers together again. A moment later he realized what he had done and a sense of mortification engulfed him. Haley saw his blue eyes widen dramatically and sensing he was going to pull away she quickly clutched his hand tighter.
"Sorry." Nathan mumbled. At point he wasn't sure exactly he was apologizing for.
"Don't apologize dummy." Haley giggled, nudging his shoulder with her own. "We're friends remember."
Just friends, yeah right.
Haley banged loudly on the door to her dorm room. It always sucked when she forgot her key because Peyton always had her music up too loud and Brooke was never bothered to move from her bed. So Haley always ended up standing outside for at least ten minutes until someone finally bothered to open the door.
She had just finished helping backstage on the musical with Nathan. Although she would deny it if asked she actually had quite a bit of fun there, and was growing pretty fond of the ninth graders there were helping out.
"Jesus Haley!" Brooke said, swinging the door open, a toothbrush dangling from her mouth. "You'd think there was a flesh eating zombie chasing you."
"Just the impending doom of the family visiting weekend." Haley said, walking to their room and plopping down on her bed.
"I'm actually looking forward to seeing my dad." Peyton smiled.
"Well you actually get along with you dad P. Sawyer." Brooke pointed out. "My parents are even bothering to come down. What about you Hales? Anyone from your family coming to see you?"
"My mum's not coming." Haley replied, fiddling with the bottom of her sweater. "I think Quinn and Taylor are dropping by tomorrow afternoon."
In the room next door the flamboyant knocking on the wooden door frame caused Nathan to exit the bathroom and yank it open.
"Bad news little brother." Lucas said, storming into the room.
"Oh come right on in." Nathan said sarcastically, closing the door to his room.
"Dan's coming." Lucas interrupted.
"Fuck!" Nathan swore, he raked his hand nervously through his hair, "You've got to be kidding me!"
"Don't worry, my mum's coming." Lucas rationalized, "We can just hang out with her."
"Luke you can, but Karen doesn't have any custody over me." Nathan said, "It Dan wants to see me he'll find a way to do so."
"Boys!" Karen Roe yelled loudly. She practically ran across the courtyard before throwing her arms around Lucas. "Nathan what are you doing just standing there? Come here." Karen crushed Nathan in her arms as well, before squeezing both of the boys who were a good foot taller than her.
Nathan wished Karen was his real mother. Then he wouldn't have to live with Dan.
"I am so happy to see you both." Karen exclaimed, "Gosh you have to tell me everything that has happened."
Five minutes later they were seated at a table in the school ball room. Every time there was a family visiting day the school decked the ball room out with hundreds of pristine tables and literally every food you could imagine.
"So Brooke and I are dating." Lucas announced, chomping his way around a chicken drumstick.
"Lucas that's wonderful." Karen beamed, a moment later her face grew stern, "And chew with your mouth closed."
Lucas rolled his eyes and continued eating. "So what about you Nathan?" Karen turned to him, "Have you finally decided to settle down with a girl?"
Lucas proceeded to make large spectacle of coughing really loudly before choking out, "Haley James."
Nathan whipped around to glower at him but it was too late.
"Who's Haley?!" Karen questioned excitedly.
"She's new this year." Lucas clarified.
"And she's your girlfriend." Karen cooed, smirking largely at Nathan.
"She's not my girlfriend." Nathan mumbled, "We're just friends."
"He's madly in love with her." Lucas said.
"Dude what the hell!" Nathan hit him on the shoulder.
"Geez Nate, you know it's true." Lucas whined childishly, rubbing him arm.
"Will I get to meet this Haley?" Karen asked.
"That's her." Lucas spoke before Nathan could answer.
Haley and Brooke had just entered the ball room with the intent of getting some food. As neither of their parents had come to see them they were hanging out instead.
Lucas yelled loudly and waved them over to their table. Nathan folded up his arms and attempted to hide behind them.
"Hey Karen!" Brooke squealed excitedly.
"Good to see you again Brooke." Karen smiled, "I heard about you and Lucas."
"Yeah." Brooke beamed, and moved over to sit on Lucas' lap.
"You must be Haley." Karen looked up in Haley's direction. "Nathan's told me all about you."
Oh. My. God. Nathan cringed, someone hit him on the head with a frying pan and end this nightmare.
"He has?" Haley raised an eyebrow at Nathan in question, who in return shook his head madly.
"Please Haley sit down." Karen smiled, pulling out a chair for Haley to take a seat in. "So dear, what made you decide to start at Tree Hill Academy?"
"Well I've always known it existed, as used to visit Tree Hill a lot when I was a kid. But a spot opened up at the start of the year, and I was offered a scholarship so that's when I decided to come here." Haley said.
Nathan couldn't help the spark of pride he felt in his chest at her words. He smiled softly in her direction. Karen noticed immediately and grinned at him.
"So Haley," Karen gushed, "Nathan tells me-" She was interrupted by Nathan 'accidently' knocking over a water glass.
"No no no. We're going to go." Nathan warned, glaring at Karen and Lucas before getting up from the table and taking Haley's hand. He then proceeded to practically drag her out of the ball room.
"Lovely to meet you." Haley called over her shoulder.
The sound of Karen, Lucas, and Brooke's laughter could be heard even after they left the ball room.
Half an hour later they were lying on their backs on Nathan's bed in silence staring at the ceiling. His iPod lay between them as they shared a pair of earphones. The curtains were pulled shut causing the room to seem dim and a bit hazy.
"Karen seems nice." Haley said, breaking through the stillness.
"I'm sorry about that." Nathan replied.
"You ever going to tell me what you said to her about me?" Haley teased.
"Never." Nathan smirked.
The silence returned and Nathan turned his head slightly so he was looking at Haley. She was chewing on her bottom lip and staring intently at the ceiling. Her eyebrows were furrowed slightly.
"You okay?" Nathan nudged her gently with his shoulder.
Haley nudged him back, "I'm always okay."
Nathan moved so he was holding himself up with his elbows. He shot her an unconvinced look.
Haley sighed and clenched her eyes shut for a moment before opening them and turning in Nathan's direction. "There's a reason my Mum didn't come down to see me this weekend. It's the anniversary of Emmett's death today. It's already hard enough for my Mum to be in Tree Hill, she couldn't handle today."
"Come on." Nathan jumped off the bed suddenly.
"What?" She stared at him in confusion.
"We're going to do something fun." He responded, ignoring her groan and pulling her off the bed.
Five minutes later they were standing on the basketball court, in their usual spot by the old playground and the apple tree.
"Explain to me how this is going to be fun?" Haley asked, her hands positioned on her hips as she glared at Nathan who was bouncing his basketball on the pavement with a grin spread over his features.
"Oh come on Hales, have a little faith." Nathan quipped. "First person to get three shots in wins."
"I think I'll pass." Haley replied.
"Oh okay." Nathan shoved one of his hands in his jacket pocket, and walked slowly away from her. "I mean if you're fine with being the loser."
Haley's eyes widened slightly, "Fine, I'll play!" She scowled at him before stalking over in his direction and ripping the basketball out of his hands. "But I'm going first."
Haley positioned herself directly in front of the hoop and stared at it with intense concentration.
"Try not to mount the hoop Hales." Nathan chuckled.
"Shh." She yelled, "You'll break my focus."
Haley frowned up at the hoop which was a good few metres above her head before throwing the basketball at it. It practically went up in a straight line, and bounced slightly on the rim before gently going in.
"Yes!" Haley fist pumped the air, and jogged around the court in a brief victory lap.
Nathan laughed at her reaction before picking up the fallen ball and shooting it at the hoop without even moving forward. It immediately went in.
"I guess that makes the score even." He said.
"Damn it." Haley muttered.
Nathan grinned at her in response and chucked the basketball in her direction. She flinched slightly when the ball neared her, but still managed to catch it. Haley positioned her arms above her head and propelled the basketball in the direction of the hoop. This time it didn't even touch the hoop or the backboard. The ball instead fell to the ground like it was filled with water.
"Wow Haley." Nathan drawled, moving forward to scoop up the basketball, "You should join the team."
Haley poked her tongue out at him, "Okay All-star. Your go."
Nathan smirked at her before placing his hands precisely around the basketball. He was about to take a shot when Haley shoved him from behind causing him to stumble forward slightly and completely miss the shot altogether. However, since he was so much taller than Haley he didn't fall.
Nathan whipped around and grinned victoriously at her, he then contorted his face into a look of mock astonishment. "Oh you're on James." He passed her the basketball.
"Alright." Haley was about to take another shot when Nathan surged forward, wrapped one of his long arms around her waist and snatched her off the ground. A surprised squeal was ripped from Haley's throat as Nathan chucked her over his shoulder.
"Screw you Scott!" Haley yelled, trying to sound annoyed but failing to keep the laughter out of her voice, "Wait!" She suddenly noticed how high she was off the ground. "Walk over to the hoop."
"Are you serious?" Nathan chuckled and shook his head.
"Please Nate." She pouted, clutching the basketball in her small hands.
Nathan sighed in defeat before walking in the direction of the hoop with Haley still flung over his broad shoulder. When they were standing directly in front of the hoop he wrapped his hands tightly around Haley's waist before hoisting her upwards so she was practically level with the hoop. She placed the basketball into the hoop with a satisfied smile.
"I don't know Nathan. I'm getting pretty good, I might take your place on the team." Haley joked.
"Ladies and gentlemen look at the ego on this one!" Nathan announced to the empty space around them. He then gently placed Haley softly back on the ground.
"Say's you. Your ego is practically bigger than your entire body." Haley teased.
"Aw Hales, I can't help it that I'm this attractive." Nathan winked at her.
"You're full of shit." Haley quipped.
"You say the sweetest things to me Haley James." Nathan responded sarcastically. She grinned up at him in response.
"Would someone tell me what the hell is going on right now?" A feminine voice called from across the basketball court.
"Quinn, Taylor!"
AN:
Hey everyone! Sorry for the late update I've been overseas on holiday and unable to write.
I hope everyone enjoyed part 1 of the parent visiting day!
Please let me know what you think! Reviews for me are like applause for Tinkerbell; I need it to live ;)
-Rosie