I stayed in my apartment for days, only leaving for work and class. I didn't answer calls or texts. Carlos hadn't tried to contact me. I sat and stared into space a lot of the time. What else was I supposed to do? What else could I do now that I'd ruined my relationship with my best friend?

I beat myself up about taking so long to break up with Kendall. I'd hurt him more than I cared to admit to myself. And Carlos had waited….and waited….and waited. I'd crushed him. Carlos' pride was not something he took lightly. And I'd taken it and stomped on it. And then when I'd picked it up, I'd spat on it. Now that I saw everything clearly, I knew why he'd blown up at me. I'd unintentionally played him for a fool. I'd never been so stupid in all my life. Something about Carlos just made me second guess every decision I'd ever made. He made me nervous. I was so afraid to lose him that I kept him at arm's length. I couldn't be hurt if he's not too close. And, fuck it, that was my mistake all along. Carlos had been reaching out for me and I'd been too scared to make a home for myself in those arms, that heart.

Pulling me out of my thoughts was a knock at the door. Collecting myself, I opened the door. Kendall stood there with his hands in his jeans pockets and his head bowed low. My lips parted slightly and tears sprang to my eyes. No. I couldn't do this. He looked up at me from under his eyelashes.

"Can I come in?"

I stood aside as he walked in and shut the door. He stood in the entryway and looked at me. I didn't move from my position by the door. I wrapped my arms around myself like armor for my already broken heart, as if doing so would keep me from completely falling apart.

"Lacey." His voice was weak. He stopped and cleared his throat. "God knows I don't want to be here right now." He paused as I took in a deep, trembling breath. He looked into my eyes. "But Carlos is a mess. A fucking disaster. He won't eat, he barely sleeps. He's been fucking up at work and the other night, he drank so much James was up with him half the night. He fell asleep insisting that James go get you. He wanted you, Lacey." I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to control my shaking. Slow, hot tears began falling down my cheeks. I didn't want to know this. I couldn't handle knowing any of this.

Suddenly, I felt Kendall's thumb rubbing a tear from my cheek. I hadn't even heard him approach. "He needs you, Lacey. He's not himself without you. We all miss him." He tilted my chin up so I was looking him straight in the eyes. "And we all miss you." He squeezed my arm and gave me a weak smile before walking passed me and out the door.

I didn't move for what seemed like years. Did I really do this to Carlos? My best friend? How had it come to this? I missed him so much. We hadn't been the same for months. I'd ignored it, blaming it on our relationships, but I'd been lying to myself. Again. I'd lied to myself about my feelings for Carlos, deluded myself about my feelings for Kendall and then took all of that and lied to myself about what was best for me and everyone around me. I'd fucked up. I'd been so fucking selfish. I saw it now. I'd also been scared. I didn't know of what. My fear had just made this whole thing turn to shit. I was getting really tired of fucking up. But I had a change to make this right. Or at least a step in that direction. I grabbed my keys and ran out the door.

Pulling up to the guys' house, I put the car in park. I stared at it out the passenger side window. I looked up at Carlos' window. The room was dark. I glanced in the rearview mirror, and ran a finger under both my eyes, wiping away the vestiges of my tears. I went up and knocked. Kendall opened the door and smiled, silently mouthing 'thank you' as I headed for the stairs.

I paused before entering Carlos' room. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, I told myself. At least not at first.

I pushed open the door. The room was cluttered. There were half empty water bottles everywhere. There were plates and pizza boxes and dirty clothes everywhere. This….this here….this was not Carlos. I could tell how much I'd fucked him up by how much clutter was in his room. In the fading light, it was difficult to see, but Carlos was curled up on his bed under the blankets. He was still and at first I thought he was sleeping. But he rolled over and looked at me as I approached. I pulled over his desk chair and sat facing the bed. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and faced me.

His expression betrayed no emotion. He sat stoic and sunken-eyed, eyeing me cautiously as if I could make a sudden move and cut him down. Which, I realized, I could. Just like I'd somehow given him the power to crush me by passivity that morning, he'd given me the same power. It's a funny thing how love can make us give ourselves away.

We sat there for a long time, just staring at one another. I didn't know where to start. "Los." He shivered, hearing his name on my lips for the first time in a long time. "I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. For lying to myself and for lying to you and to Kendall. And I was stupid. I was so incredibly stupid for denying my feelings. I was such a bitch for taking forever with Kendall. I'm sorry." Carlos shifted but said nothing.

"There's no excuse for me taking your heart and ripping it apart in so many ways, probably more ways than I know. And, Carlos, I will never forgive myself for hurting you. If I could, I would take all of that pain and put it on myself. Because, you're perfect, Los. You are. You couldn't have been a better friend to me all those years and when I realized I loved you, I was scared. I was afraid to lose something I hadn't even had. Carlos, I'm sorry. I understand if you don't want me. Or if you need some time, but I need you. I want to be with you. Because I love you. This whole damn thing made me realize just how much."

Carlos was looking at me with something inexpressible in his eyes. I wanted to badly to surge forward and crash my lips into his, but I needed to respect his space. I waited a little longer and then got up to leave. Pausing on my way to the door, I stood, my back towards him. "You should know that you're the something that I hold on to when I'm left with nothing."

Before I could move an inch, his hand closed around my wrist, I was whipping around and his lips were on mine. I couldn't breathe, think, feel or taste anything that wasn't Carlos. His hands were raking across my back one second and then tangled in my hair the next. His lips were at once greedy and loving. I could tell he'd been waiting to do this for weeks, months, maybe even years. I cupped his face, guiding his lips over mine and oh my God, this was right, this was so right.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," I murmured over and over and over into his lips.

"I love you," Carlos repeated back to me.

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

He pulled back and held my face so I was looking right at him. "Hey, stop apologizing." His lips grazed mine. "That's over, that's over." He kissed me full on the mouth before adding, "We'll make it to tomorrow, and passed the sorrow." And with that, I lost myself in his lips once again.