Chapter Ten:
my safehouse
"Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care."
― Laurie Halse Anderson
It is Monday so I have school. I don't have to go, but If I stay in this house I'll be reminded of it's emptiness every second. I'll accidentally pass by my mom and have hurtful words shouted at me, or I'l see my dad's saddened eyes, and I'll break. I'd rather just go to school, and to top it off, I have another stomachache today.
The school bus wheezes to my stop and the doors open. I'm the seventh pickup of the day, so as soon as I step up onto the bus I'm being stared at. Everyone knows. It's no surprise though, they would stare at me and whisper even if my brother wasn't dead.
The bus ride feels longer than usual, and every-time we stop to pick up students, it feels like hours until we actually pull away again. When we do, we pass the hospital, and I close my eyes. This is what I've been dreading.
That's where I lost the two people that I loved most in this world.
Centuries pass and we finally pull to "Hollywood Arts." I am the last one off and as soon as my purple converse touches the concrete it's like gravity has shifted. Everyone's eyes are on me, and I feel as if one toe out of line with break everything.
I walk slowly through the entrance, and to my locker.
"Caterina Valentine?" Helen says to me, as she passes by. "I know you're going through some things right now, that's why I called home and said you were being given time to deal with grief and that attendance was not required."
"My name is Rina." I correct. "And I appreciate it, but I'd rather just be here."
"Alright, just if it becomes too overwhelming be sure to come to the main office." She says as she walks away.
I nod, and continue what I was doing. I had Sikowitz's class first period, and than I had free, so I didn't need any books. As I try to open my locker, I come to the realization that it's stuck. I tug at it a little harder, and when It finally opens I'm shocked at what's waiting for me. A big fat hairy pink chewed glump of gum.
Is this some kind of "your brother passed away I'm sorry" prank? Because it's not funny. I slam my hands against my locker hard, and I continue to do that until I have everyone's attention.
"Who did this?!" I question, turning to face them."None of you know me! None of you have the right to do this to me! Or to anyone!"
Blank stares look back at me. I slam my locker shut, and lock it. I don't have time for this. What a way to welcome a girl who just lost her little brother that was battling cancer. These people are so pathetic. The worlds fucked up. I think we have that established.
I motor so fast out of the hall that not even the fastest track runner could've beat me, If only I could've done this that night.
I walk into Sikowitz's class and once again once are on me.
I take my seat in the back, and my eyes lock to the back of Robbie's. I needed to apologize to him, I needed to take it all back, but He wasn't going to talk to me. I know it.
I can feel Jade staring at me, but I ignore it.
Someone taps my shoulder, and my eyes widen and I can feel myself tense up. I look up to see Sikowitz looking down at me." I'm so sorry for your loss... Rina."
"Yeah me too." I say quietly, tucking my hair behind my ear, and looking down.
"If you have a hard time, just know that you can talk to me alright?" He says.
"Thankyou, I'll keep that in mind." I lie.
Robbie looks at me right after that, but it's a look I've never seen on him before. It wasn't the look he makes when someone calls Rex a puppet, or when someone calls him a nerd, he looked like someone had took his heart and chewed it.
I know this person is me, and I feel the need to cut myself because of this. I know I promised Ty I would stop, but I need to. If I could cut myself every second of everyday I would, just so I could escape from this nightmare.
I mouth "I'm sorry." to him but he looks away.
A while back when I was still Cat, he told me he'd never give up on me, and that he'd never leave me. He was leaving me now when I need him most of all, and it's my fault. I make myself sick. I say that other people are pathetic, but the pathetic one is me. My stomachache is starting to kick in, and the pain is unbearable.
So I do what I couldn't do that night.
I run.
::
I feel like this bathroom is my safehouse. If there's anything that's been there for me this whole time, it's been this bathroom. Always empty when I need it, and clean.
I've been in here about ten minutes, and I'm surprised no one's come for me. I guess, Sikowitz figured I just needed some time, which I do. But I'm not going to cry. Not yet.
I'm going to do what I promised my dead little brother I wouldn't, and then I'll cry, and hate myself, and maybe purge while I'm at it.
Do I even hear myself? Who am I anymore? I sound like a sadist. Maybe that's what I am. A sadist. I obtain pleasure from inflicting pain on others because that's what happened to me.
That's what I'm going to have to make myself believe. There's just no other option. Yup. That's it.
Rina you're a sadist. Rina you're a sadist. Rina you're a sadist. Rina you're a sadist.
And just as easy as I say those words, I slice right below my other scar on my wrist not thinking about the mess I would leave or the consequences.
It scares me how little I care.
A/N- WE ARE OFFICIALLY IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS OF "CAT,INTERRUPTED!" YAY! 20 CHAPTERS LEFT GUYS! I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO WRITE THESE TWISTS THAT I HAVE IN MY HEAD AND TO SEE YOUR REACTIONS!
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