Alright- it's late and I'm in a hurry, but this is more a heart-to-heart as Levi figures out how he can help his titan-shifter.

I hope Levi isn't too OOC here- I wanted him to be caring, since he cares about his soldiers (especially Eren), but not exactly eloquent, as he's still a bit out of his element here. Please review! :)

The first thing he was aware of was the pain. It was as though some sort of animal was trapped within his rib cage, clawing frantically at the side of his chest every time he breathed. For a moment the pain was all consuming- he wasn't in his body, he wasn't alive- there was just… pain.

It could've lasted for hours or minutes, he wasn't sure. When he finally came back to himself, he was staring at the bright peach colored back of his eyelids. His chest still burned furiously each time he tried to breathe, but the pain was in the background, now, overwritten by his consciousness.

He struggled to open his eyelids for a moment, and recoiled when he finally did, blinded for a brief second by sunlight that was streaming through the windows, landing on his face. He quickly closed his eyes again, struggling to get his bearings, before he managed to open his eyes carefully.

His eyes adjusted to the sunlight, he looked around the room numbly, confused. He was laying in a bed- crisp sheets covered his waist, his chest was horribly bruised, arm bandaged. Captain Levi was dozing in a chair beside his bed, chin to his chest, as sunlight streamed through the window.

He was still tired and confused for a brief moment- he wondered what'd happened to him. Had he been attacked, or been in some sort of accident?

Worthless fucking monster.

The words bubbled up from the back of his mind, and his eyes widened. He remembered it, then, remembered Gunther, remembered everything- and realized he was still alive.

Some sort of animal sound escaped his throat- a half-shriek of anguish and frustration. Levi started awake, looking down at Jager, afraid.

"Eren! Eren, what's going on!?"

Eren curled into a ball on the bed despite the protests from his body, dissolving into hysterical sobs. His chest crackled and burned, he hugged his midsection in agony, becoming nothing but emotion for a few moments.

Levi stared down at the boy, shock and confusion on his face. Was Eren in pain?

"D-d-die… I just wanted…." Eren choked out between sobs. Levi stopped dead for a moment, lips parting, an expression of horror overtaking his face. Eren was upset because he wasn't dead?

"Eren. Eren, look at me." Levi was on his feet, trying to uncurl Eren from the ball of misery and hate he'd dissolved into. Eren made no move to respond, continuing to sob and choke out all his regrets….

Levi was helpless. There was absolutely nothing he could say, the boy wasn't listening to him, and he needed to pull Eren out from these poisonous thoughts he was drowning himself in.

Not knowing what else to do, he crawled into bed beside Eren, wrapping his arms around the boy. Eren looked up from where he'd been mentally ripping himself to shreds, eyes teary and confused, before he dissolved into Levi's arms, burying his face in Levi's shoulder and sobbing.

Levi simply rubbed circles on his back, ignoring the way his heart protested painfully when Eren choked out more self-demeaning phrases.

"M-monster…. I-I'm a monster! Y-you p-promised to kill me if I lost control…. Why didn't you kill me!?" Eren stared at him, betrayal thick in his green eyes.

"You never lost control, Eren…."

"I nearly killed Mikasa and Gunther! I'm a danger to everyone around me…." Eren burst into frantic, hiccuping sobs again, pawing desperately at Levi's chest, as though somehow the man could release him from all the anguish he was suffering.

Levi was silent- he'd been hit hard by the knowledge there was nothing he could do for the brat- no matter how many times he told Eren he was worth something, that he wasn't a monster- Eren wouldn't hear it over the screaming in his own mind. Until Levi could get him calmed down and rational, he wouldn't be able to get through to him.

So instead he clutched the shattering boy close to him, as though holding him tightly would bring all his shattered pieces together. Eren simply sobbed, screaming blasphemy about how worthless he was, and Levi closed his eyes and let the boy cry. There was nothing he could say that would possibly help Eren right now- instead, he simply held the boy as he rode out the uncontrollable emotions.

It was painful, to clutch at shards of broken glass- just like it was to hold onto Eren Jager. To listen to the boy verbally tear himself to shreds, to hear the hate dripping from his words was like a blow to Levi. All this shit had been running through the boy's mind, poisoning him, for god knew how long- and he hadn't known.

The whimpers- the animalistic cries and gasps that escaped Eren as he fought his own mind- each sound lashed another wound onto Levi's heart, and the man closed his eyes and simply bore it, praying it would be over soon.

Eventually, Jager cried himself to exhaustion, and, still hiccuping sobs, fell back into the oblivion of sleep. Levi hoped it was oblivion, anyways- the kid could find no peace in his waking hours, so he prayed that at least in sleep, the boy had no nightmares.

Levi was left to lay in the bed beside the boy, still holding onto Eren- more for his sake than the boy's. He looked at the pinched sleeping face- how had one fifteen year old boy fallen so far? How had he slipped into the traps of self-hatred and doubt- how had he concealed this much hurt without anyone- not one of his peers- seeing it?

Levi simply hung his head, tucking it beneath Eren's chin and listening to the reassuring sound of Eren's heart thrumming against his chest. Despite how much Eren didn't want to be here- he was still alive. That was little comfort, but comfort all the same.

Levi sighed, brushing Eren's bangs from his face. Eren was clearly more broken than he- or anyone, really- had thought. Eren's cutting hadn't been some desperate cry for attention or some form of acting out- it'd been a way to relieve the hatred, the pure, voluminous hatred, that the boy had for himself. He'd been so ignorant to think it could be solved by simply taking the boy's sharp instruments and keeping a closer eye on him.

Eren Jager was, for lack of a better word, broken. Emotionally, physically, broken. His very thought process was broken- on the most basic level, Eren's thoughts were circling back to self-hatred, highlighting every flaw he had and magnifying it tenfold.

In order to save the boy from his demons, Levi was going to have to alter the boy's very way of thinking. He wasn't sure it was even possible, but he had to try- the alternative was giving up. He absolutely refused to give up on Eren.

Thoughts sorted out, Levi quietly untangled his limbs from Jager, sitting up and making up his mind. He'd ask Petra to watch Eren for a while, grab a quick bite to eat, shower and freshen up, and be back by midnight. He had a soldier to fix.

By the time Eren woke up again, it was late evening. Darkness seeped into his room from the window, and the candles that'd been lit in the room struggled to fend off the darkness.

Eren slowly sat up, wincing and scrubbing at his sandy-eyes. He remembered bits and pieces, fragments, really….

Captain Levi was in the room. He'd completely broken down and cried, and Captain Levi had seen it…. He looked away, fist clenching and mind fighting to keep the flush of embarrassment from his face. Why- why did he always have to be so weak?

"So- you feeling better?" Levi inquired gently.

Eren actually laughed. He'd just tried to kill himself and woken up to find out he was alive, against his desires, and completely lost his shit in front of his superior officer. And yet Levi had the audacity to ask him if he was feeling better.

Levi's eyes widened slightly at Eren's hollow laughter, but he chose to ignore it. He nodded to a bowl of broth sitting on Eren;s bedside table. "Hungry?"

"Not really." He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he'd die if he refused to eat. The notion was both painful and frightening- at least with jumping, he wouldn't have to suffer as much as starvation.

"Eat it anyways." Levi spoke up, nudging the bowl toward Eren. "Please."

Eren hesitated for a brief second, before he hesitantly picked up the bowl and put it to his lips, taking a long sip of broth. It was still a bit warm, but that was all he really registered- he didn't taste it at all.

Levi nodded his approval, and Erne wordlessly took another sip, then another. They sat in awkward silence for a few moments, interrupted only by Eren sipping at his broth.

"So Eren- how do you feel about yourself?"

Eren stopped dead, choking on the liquid he'd been forcing down his throat. He coughed, eyes wide with surprise, and the bowl of broth would've spilled had Levi not hurriedly taken it from him.

Eren dissolved into shocked coughing, trying to clear his windpipe, which made his ribs flare with pain and his eyes water. He ended up doubled over, clutching his ribs. It took him a full minute or so to regain his composure, and he looked up at Levi through watery eyes, confused.

"W-what do you mean?" he wheezed.

"How do you see yourself, Eren?" Levi was quietly handing him a small leather book with blank pages- a journal of sorts, Eren realized, and Levi nudging a pen into his hands. "Just- describe yourself for me. you don't have to say it aloud or anything but just- tell me, Eren- what do you think of when you hear your name?"

"Um… alright." Eren flipped the book open to the first page- crisp, white, he lifted the pen hesitantly, thinking for a brief moment….

Clumsy. the pen scratched across the paper. Levi nodded, eyebrows furrowed, and Eren apparently found more inspiration, as he pursed his lips and continued.

Angry. Sad. Lonely. Dangerous.

Levi frowned, but Eren had apparently forgotten LEvi altogether, as the pen continued to scratch across the page furiously.

Sub-par. Stupid. Erratic. Unpredictable. Monster. FREAK….

The paper tore beneath Eren's frantic pen strokes as he scribbled the words furiously, and he looked up as it did, surprised.

Levi was looking at the paper, lips parted, a mixture of concern and curiosity on his face.

"What is it, Captain?" Eren asked, voice dripping with sarcasm as he saw Levi's expression. "Are you afraid of me too?"

"I could kill you in an instant, Jager." Levi retorted, face remaining stoic.

Eren scoffed. "Then why don't you do us both a favor and do it already?" he demanded.

Levi wanted to ignore the comment, but he couldn't. Instead, he leaned forward, frowning.

"Where is all this coming from?" he asked, pointing at the page incredulously. "All this hate, Eren- you really don't like yourself, do you?"

Eren suddenly found the bedsheets incredibly interesting to look at, and Levi continued. "So tell me- where does it come from? All this hate, all this shit you keep telling yourself- how'd it start?"

Eren frowned, remaining silent for a brief moment. "I… I don't know. I guess- it was just what they told me, you know? I mean, even before I figured out I was a titan, I got called names- at training camp they called me the suicidal maniac. It just grew from there, I guess- figuring out I could turn into a titan didn't help matters much, it just gave them more ammunition. In prison, the guards would spit at me and mutter it, and even here… the squad thinks that of me."

"I'll agree with you that the squad didn't exactly take to you right away. But they don't think you're dangerous, Eren…."

"Captain- don't lie to me." Eren said, green eyes looking at Levi seriously.

Levi sighed. "Alright- so you're more dangerous than the average soldier, yes, but it also makes you an incredible asset. The squad's been checking on you since you jumped, Eren- they're all worried about you."

Eren laughed again. "I said not to lie to me, Captain."

"I'm telling you the truth, Eren."

Eren was quiet for a moment, contemplating the seriousness in Levi's expression and realizing the man was genuine.

"Really?" Eren looked shocked, fingers gripping the sheets tightly, lips parted, expression painted with surprise and a bit of… hope… on his face.

Levi nodded. "Really, Eren. People are worried for you…."

"Even Gunther?"

"Gunther the most, probably. He felt guilty- he was the one who attacked you before you jumped."

"That was my decision, dammit!" Eren barked. "That's on me! Not him!"

"Like it or not, Eren- your actions affect others. If you'd succeeded in ending your life- the squad might not have recovered."

Eren was silent for a long moment, his eyes falling closed as he struggled to coem to grips with the fact.

"Why do you tell yourself these lies, Eren?" Levi gently took the journal from Eren's hands. "Alright, I'll agree you're a clumsy oaf. But not nearly as bad as Auruo- the idiot's always biting his tongue."

Eren said nothing, his breathing becoming slightly uneven as he listened- he wanted to believe what Levi was telling him, he really did… but there was still that tiny voice in the back of his mind, whispering 'worthless'.

"Angry." Levi wrinkled his nose. "More like zealous. Sad- you're sad because you're lonely, and you're lonely because you're lying to yourself- you aren't alone, Eren- everyone is right here, if you'd just reach out to us…."

Levi looked up, surprised, when he heard rapid breathing. Jager was hyperventilating, almost, tears trickling down his face.

"I… I just don't know how any of you could like me…. I disappoint myself, so much, you know? And I try so hard but it's never good enough, and I'm never gonna be anything but a freak…." The words tumbled out, becoming more and more frantic until Eren was choking on his own sobs between them.

Levi pulled the boy into a hug. "You've got it all wrong, Jager…."

"I wish I could just stop breathing…." Eren whimpered, before he buried his face in Levi's shoulder, tears wetting the older man's shirt.

Levi stared, alarmed for a moment at how quickly the boy had gone from self-hatred to suicidal.

"Hey- hey, we're gonna fix this, you understand me?" his tone was soft as he looked at the teenager in his arms- Jager so so fucking vulnerable, he wondered how anyone could entertain the possibility of the boy being anything but human.

Eren simply whimpered in reply.

"I'm serious, Eren- this journal, for one thing. You're gonna write down your fucking feelings in it, yeah? And we're gonna go over them every night, just you and I…." Eren made no move to lift his head from Levi's shoulder, so the man plowed onward. "You're going to be happy again, dammit. I don't care what it takes, but dammit- you're going to be okay. You hear me?"

Eren looked up at him with watery eyes. The boy really was still just a child, wounded and lost….

"Thank you."

"Not a problem, brat." Levi ruffled Eren's hair, allowing himself to smile slightly, glad he'd managed to give Eren a bit of hope. "Get some sleep- and write in that goddamn journal. Understand?"

Eren nodded, and Levi wordlessly handed him a handkerchief and stood from the bed. "Now get some sleep. God knows you need it." he settled back in his chair beside Eren's bed.

"Levi?" Eren's voice was so soft Levi nearly didn't hear it.

"Yes?" Levi turned, looking at the boy carefully.

"I-I'll see you tomorrow." he stuttered, offering the Captain a wane smile.

Levi froze for a split second, shocked that one conversation could make the boy go from wanting to die to looking forward to waking up the next morning, but he returned the smile, nodding to the boy and watching Eren's eyelids flutter closed before sleep claimed him.

MAILBAG

EdibleCandy83, Chapter 9

Oh my word, the emotional state you put me through every time I read a chapter. This is an outstanding work of...of... ART. I myself have been depressed and I have to say the way you portray the emotional trauma Eren is feeling it's, to say the least, a near exact replica of what I felt. Honestly I get tingles when I think of how he might recover from his depression, and if you write everyone from his training days seeing him like this and their reaction? My heart is fluttering at the sheer magnitude of what this may Intel! I can't wait to see what happens next, I am living for your story right now.

Why thank you! I'm so glad you;re enjoying the story, and I can;t believe you think my writing is art, lol! I'm flattered! :)

However, I'm even more impressed that you managed to beat depression- I'm so fucking proud of you, and I'm so glad that my story can help shed some light on depression for readers who otherwise don't have experience with/understand depression. I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I look forward to writing more for you! :)

Takenokohime, Chapter 9

I just read through the last chapter, and wow, this is really good. You've presented Eren's self-harming urges very realistically, thank you for not romanticizing self-harm by the way. I think you've also done a great job of keeping the other Squad Levi members in character (personally I like the strong platonic bond between Eren and Levi, it's refreshing to see). There are a few spelling errors, but they aren't a distraction.

On a more personal note thank you for writing a realistic story about self-harm. I've struggled with severe anxiety, depression, and self-harming urges for years and so many stories present those as cliches when in reality it's far more than that. It effects the people around you so much and you always have to worry about relapses. So, yeah, just a personal thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story in the future. :)

Ah, why thank you! I hope you didn't find Levi to OOC in this chapter- I wanted him to be concerned and genuine with Eren, but he wasn't exactly eloquent, as he's a bit out of his element here.

I struggle with anxiety as well (panic attacks are a bitch, lol), but the worst is when there's just weeks where you're so afraid and can't explain it, and you're afraid you'll never go back to normal. :( That's been my experience, anyways, but luckily I've got meds and therapy that work incredibly well.

Self-harm is anything but glamorous- it's quick, dirty and dangerous. It's hiding razor blades and shame and wondering why you want to hurt yourself and if you're insane. It's altogether just awful business, and is mostly only practiced by those who're desperate for relief.

I wanted my fic to portray the misconceptions (people thinking Eren would stop if they simply took his blades) and other mis-nomers (such as Auruo thinking Eren only cut for attention).

Anyways, I'm glad you're enjoying the story! :)

ReganRocks, Chapter 9

Woah! I haven't checked my email in a long time, have I?
This story is truly the needle in the haystack of this site, if that makes any sense. I have never seen a fic, particularly a self harm one, that is this realistic, keeps the characters perfectly in character, AND as a bonus fills major holes in the canon. Excellent! I'm looking forward to the next update!

Thanks, I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I hope Levi wasn't too OOC for you guys.

Please review! *Hugs* ;)