Chapter 10

And all the best lies,
They are told with fingers tied!
So cross them tight,
Won't you promise me tonight
If it's the last thing you do, you'll get out..

-Paramore, Feeling Sorry

Angela pulled up ten minutes later in her little green slug-bug. It matched her usual happy nature. I looked out the window and waited until she looked my way, then waved with a smile. That smile made her look at me in a mask of confusion and happiness.

When she got to the porch, I jumped off the couch and threw open the door. "Hey Angela!" I said with a little bit too much excitement. I had been devoid of every emotion except pain for almost two years.

"Hey Bella, what's going on?" she asked curiously. I grabbed her by the hand and led her to my room. When I stepped inside, she followed and I let go of her hand. I looked at the room for the first time in about 2 years and let out a startled gasp. The walls were blank, no photos or posters. The bed was a disaster of tangled sheets and pillows. The purple bedspread was on the floor in a lump, on account of me throwing it off last night because I was sweating. The floor was empty though besides that. There were a few books stacked in piles collecting dust, except for the two in the corner I had thrown earlier. My desk was blank, with only my ancient computer to rest atop it. There was nothing that gave a hint to who lived here, well except for there being a range of colors excluding blue.

I gestured to Angela that she could sit on my bed, which she did. I walked to the other side of my bed and gently picked up the two drawings. I said a silent prayer, hoping someone was listening, if anyone was up there at all. I prayed that this craziness wouldn't chase Angela away. I was afraid she would be crept out by my apparent obsession with my ex, or the fact that someone I tried to not to think about at all was the subject of my art. I took a deep breath. This was going to be a long story. I started at the top.

"I haven't had anyone to talk to about this and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind very much if I told you," I said without looking at her, afraid of what she might see in my eyes. Angela was a very perceptive person.

"Sure, you know you can tell me anything," she answered. I smiled slightly and started the story.

"Well, he left, as you know. I didn't want to live without him, at all. So I thought hard about it, and tried several different ways to carry out on that. The first thing I wanted to do was break my promise though. When he left, he told me not to do anything stupid for Charlie. I wanted to break every promise I made to him, since he broke all of the ones that mattered." I looked into Angela's eyes. She wasn't looking at me as if I was crazy, just with sympathy. I took that as a good sign and continued.

"Well, I went to a movie with Jess, before she hated me. When we went past this bar, I saw these guys. I was tempting fate, so I made my way over to them. When I did that, I heard his voice. I heard him telling me to stop, because I had promised him. I don't know if I have some weird form of schizophrenia, but it made me feel better, to hear him I mean. So even though it hurt me later on, I still wanted to hear him so badly, it didn't matter. I had pain, and still do. When I think of him, my heart hurts- bad. It feels like he ripped it out when he left," I said. The pain was threatening to explode again, so I constricted my arms around my chest. I blinked back some tears. Angela still wasn't looking at me like I was crazy, so I still continued.

"And so that became a crazy obsession, his voice. I did different things like that, riding on the back of strangers' motorcycles, talking to people who looked dangerous. After a while, his voice started fading, I couldn't stand the thought of loosing him again, so I tried multiple solutions. In the end, I decided suicide would end the pain. I jumped off the cliff, and long story short, I didn't die." Angela was looking at me with tears in her eyes.

"So, I guess after that, I still needed to hear his voice, not accepting the fact that it was unhealthy. I couldn't think of anything else but Luke Davis. I got heroin from him, and kept that up for about two months. Near the end of those two months, Edward started fading. I decided to try and quit again. I finally did, quit I mean. I saw how much it was hurting Charlie and I decided to stop trying to see Edward. That was about a year ago. Here I am now, dating Mike Newton of all people. The pain never goes away though. When a heart breaks, the rest of you will wilt away. I don't think I'll ever be able to love a man like I loved Edward ever." I had said his name now, and the pain exploded. I bent over crying in pain, rocking in regret. I regret ever trusting him with my love, because look where I was now. Angela leaned over and rubbed my back comfortingly.

After I felt the pain recede back into my heart, I started from where I left off. "I was just randomly letting my mind wander earlier, and I thought of him while I was doodling. After a while I really looked at what I was drawing, and there was his face. The best part is that when I draw and think about him, I don't feel the pain."

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I had no idea how much pain you were going through. I hope you know that I really am there for you, no matter what. Your drawings are perfect. They really do look exactly like Ed…him," Angela said. I smiled a sad smile at her. "You know these are amazing. There is an extra opening at an art exhibit this weekend in Port Angeles. I have a couple of my paintings going there. Maybe you could make something too. Plus if someone buys it, you get the cash," said Angela with a smile.

"I'll think about it Ang," I said. I truly would think about it. And who knew, if someone liked the art, I might not have to keep working at the Newton's store. And what could be a better job than drawing the one thing in the world I loved the most.

Angela said she had to go and I looked at the clock. It was already 7pm. We said goodbye and Angela went home. After she left, I started making dinner. I made lasagna, which required some time. I was in such a good mood, I didn't mind talking to Mike in the middle of the preparation. He suggested that we go out sometime this week, and I agreed. I was getting the lasagna out of the stove when Charlie walked through the door.

He froze when I entered the living room smiling. "Hey Bells, you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, actually I'm better than okay. Angela came over today and we had a good time," I answered as cheerfully as I could. I might be happy, but I wasn't healed.

Charlie ate his dinner in a shocked silence. I would look over at him every once in a while to make sure he was okay. After dinner was over, he went to his usual spot in the living room. He sat in his big tan reclining chair in front of the TV and flipped on ESPN. No way was I going to sit through that. I departed into my room after a quick "goodnight."

Once I was in my room, I pulled out some art supplies my mother had given me before I became artistically challenged. The canvas and paint set were expensive and about twelve years old. I had never used them. I sat on my bed again and focused on Edward. Memories flooded through my mind, and I started painting.

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