Deacon found it hard to sleep that night. He would sleep in fits and starts. More than once he rolled over on his injured shoulder and winced with the pain. He wasn't completely sure he was ready to do this in the cold light of day. Somehow it had been easier to just sit silently beside her in the middle of the night. But he also felt that he couldn't let Maddie down. This was his first opportunity to step up as her father and he felt that he needed to do it. Her father. That gave him pause. He was in seriously uncharted territory here.
Finally, he knew he wouldn't sleep any longer and he got up. It was still dark. He took a shower and cautiously toweled off. Everything still hurt. He got dressed and walked slowly into the kitchen. Scarlett had pre-set the coffee so all he had to do was turn on the coffee maker. While he waited for the coffee to brew, he wished he had a shot of whiskey instead. Maybe more than just one. He was back to the place where he had to struggle with the desire for a drink every day, every hour, every minute, every second. He wondered how long it would take this time to get back to the place where it wasn't always on his mind.
When the coffee was done, he went to get a mug, but he was still clumsy with his left hand and it fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. "Damn it!" he muttered. He heard Scarlett run down the stairs almost as soon as it happened. She came flying into the kitchen, her face pale.
"Deacon? Are you ok?"
Deacon smiled sheepishly. He knew what she thought. "It's just a coffee mug, sweetheart. I'm still not good with my left hand."
Scarlett flushed. "I'm sorry. Let me help you." She knelt down and picked up the broken pieces and then poured her uncle a cup of coffee and brought it to the table. "You're up early."
"I couldn't sleep. Maybe we could go ahead and go?"
"Will they let you in this early?"
"They let me sit with her in the middle of the night both nights I was there," he said quietly.
"Oh." This was news to Scarlett, but she let it slide. "I'll get dressed and we can go." Deacon nodded and then looked away.
###
Once they got to the hospital, they took the elevator to the tenth floor. Scarlett went to the waiting room to wait for Deacon and he walked up to the nurses' station. The nurse on duty was one he'd seen before. "Can I see her?" he asked.
She nodded. "Of course." Then she smiled. "I'm glad to see you're doing ok and you're out of the hospital."
Deacon nodded at her and walked slowly to Rayna's room. He hesitated outside the door for a moment and then walked in. Rayna was still lying in the bed, unmoving, with her eyes closed, the steady beep of all the medical equipment the only sound in the room. He choked on a sob as he looked at her. But he also still felt the bitter bile of anger over the lie. The reason they were in the SUV together. The reason Deacon was drunk. The reason they were arguing right before Rayna lost control and flipped the vehicle. But he reminded himself he was doing this for Maddie. His daughter. Those words screamed in his head. He didn't know if he was prepared for this.
He moved closer to the bed. He struggled with his composure as a moan slipped out, of hurt and bitterness and heartbreak combined. Because this woman lying here so still was still the love of his life, his soul mate, even though his anger was beyond anything he'd ever felt before. He started to reach for her hand and stopped, clenching his fist in pain and confusion. But slowly he unclenched his hand and reached slowly for hers. Her hand felt soft and warm. He squeezed it gently and bowed his head.
"Rayna. What are we gonna do?" he whispered. He moved a little closer, pulling her hand towards him and he gently kissed it. "I'm so mad at you, Ray. I don't know how I'm going to get past this. I don't know how I'm ever going to forgive you. But you got to pull through this. Because somehow we got to get through this together. We have to figure it out. I can't do that without you."
He laid her hand back down. He wasn't sure what to do. Should he stay or go? He decided to sit for a few minutes just watching her breathe, like he had those nights he was still in the hospital. Then he was startled by a hand on his shoulder. He turned quickly to stare into Maddie's red-rimmed eyes. He was surprised to see her this early in the morning. He looked around, wondering who had brought her.
Maddie smiled at him through her tears. "I'm so glad that you came. I was afraid you wouldn't." She pulled up a chair to sit next to Deacon. She didn't touch him again but she leaned in. She looked at him earnestly, all her emotions clearly telegraphed in her face. Deacon experienced a rush of emotions as he looked at her. "Please don't hate her, Deacon."
Deacon squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, rubbing his hand over his mouth. He cleared his throat. When he spoke his voice was raw with pain. He couldn't look at Maddie. "I don't hate her, Maddie. I could never hate her. But I'm so angry with her and I don't know what to do with that. I'm not ready to get past that yet, I don't think."
"I know. I was mad too. But I forgave her. Can't you?"
Deacon reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. "I think it's just harder sometimes for grownups."
Maddie looked at him pleadingly. "Do you still love her?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. I'm still angry, sweetheart. It's hard to know how you feel when you get hurt like that. I trusted her, you know. Now I don't know what to do."
Maddie looked over at her mother, then back at Deacon, and said softly, "I think if you told her that you still loved her and that you wanted to try to work things out, she'd wake up. I think that's what she needs. We've all told her, but she still won't wake up. I think she's waiting for you to tell her."
Deacon didn't know how to tell Maddie how conflicted he was, or if he even should. She was so wise in so many ways, but she was also so young. And right now, she was a young girl whose mama wouldn't wake up. He looked over at Rayna and he felt such an ache inside but he wasn't sure if the ache was love, pain, bitterness, or anger. He looked at Maddie with sadness. "I do want her to wake up, sweetheart. Just like you do."
Maddie put her hands in her lap and lowered her head, tears running down her cheeks. "I'm so scared, Deacon. What if she doesn't wake up? What if she dies?"
She looked up at Deacon with fear in her eyes. Deacon bit his lip and felt his heart constrict at her words. Not only did he hurt for his daughter and her pain, but he realized it was his pain too. He was surprised at how bereft he felt just at the suggestion she could die. He tried to smile for Maddie's sake.
"Maddie, sweetheart, she's not going to die. She's going to wake up and she's going to be fine. She's going to be fine."
Maddie reached over and put her arms around Deacon's neck. He hugged her to him with his good arm. "I'm so glad you came. I know this will help her."
Then with a sob, she got up and ran out of the room, leaving Deacon staring after her. With eyes full of tears, he turned back to Rayna's bed. All his emotions played across his face. He remembered her shouting at him in the car that he had said it didn't matter if she told him everything or nothing, that she did love him and that if he would let them, they could get through this. But it did matter. It mattered more than anything.
Then he said, in a rough whisper, "Ray, you have to wake up. God help me, I do love you, but we have to figure this out. I can't do it by myself. I don't know what's next for us. I don't know that love is enough to get us past this. But I know I can't help Maddie alone. Please, Ray."
He sat there watching her for a while. He thought about their history, how they met as teenagers. How he was there for her when Lamar kicked her out of the house. He had known when he first met her that she was his soul mate and he knew now that he had never not loved her and would love her for the rest of his life. But when he thought about Maddie, he still felt anger. What should have been a wonderful thing – to know that their love had created that beautiful girl – was tarnished by the lies.
He finally reached out and gently took her hand, his own hand shaking. He rubbed his thumb over her fingers for a moment, then turned and walked out of her room.
###
While she waited for Deacon, Scarlett had her own conflicts to deal with. Gunnar's proposal was so out of the blue. Because she got the call about Deacon, she never did respond to him and she had put him off since then to focus on her uncle. She wanted to let him back in, but she was afraid that he still hadn't dealt with what tore them apart to begin with. Avery was back and he reminded her so much of the boy she first met. But she couldn't forget how badly he hurt her and how he let his ambition, and his jealousy, ruin their relationship.
And then there was Deacon. She had never been as frightened in her life as she was that day that Gunnar called her and told her that her uncle needed his sponsor. She and Coleman had met Gunnar at Deacon's house and he had been in a drunken rage, tossing over furniture and then attacking Coleman. When she brought him home from the hospital, he had been so quiet. Even though he had told her not to, she insisted that she would stay with him until he was able to manage with his injuries. She watched him like a hawk. Even though the events of those couple days leading up to the accident were scary, Deacon seemed committed to staying on the sober path. But she still wanted to watch.
Last night at dinner, he finally told her about Maddie and her heart broke for him and for Rayna. She truly hoped they would find a way to repair the damage.
"Scarlett, honey, what are you doing here? I thought Deacon was home from the hospital already." She turned when she heard her name. It was Bucky, Rayna's manager, with Rayna's sister.
Scarlett took a breath. "Um, waitin' for him now. I brought him over to see Ms. Jaymes."
Tandy tensed up and opened her mouth as though she was going to say something, but stopped.
"So he's still with her?"Bucky asked.
Scarlett shrugged. "I guess. I haven't seen him come back." She looked at Tandy. "I did see Ms. Jaymes' daughter, maybe a half hour ago."
Tandy looked startled. "You did? Maddie? Did she leave?"
"Yes, m'am. She looked like she was dressed for school and she went runnin' by here."
"Do you know if she saw Deacon?"
"I think probably so."
Just then Deacon walked into the waiting room. He looked at Bucky, then Tandy, then at Scarlett.
"Are you ready?" Scarlett asked. Deacon nodded.
Tandy took a step towards him. "Deacon, are you ok? We've been worried about you. Did you talk to Maddie?"
Deacon just stared at Tandy, gave Bucky a slight nod, then turned and walked towards the elevator. Scarlett gave Tandy and Bucky an apologetic look and followed her uncle.
###
Later that day, Coleman showed up at Deacon's house. He was sitting in the porch swing, staring out at nothing. He didn't turn to acknowledge Coleman, but Coleman sat down next to him. Deacon lowered his head and spoke without looking at Coleman. "I went to see Rayna today. Maddie had called me and asked me to." He rubbed his face. "She came by while I was there. She asked me to forgive Rayna. Cole, I'm so confused about how I feel right now. I know she and I have to figure this out, but I'm afraid I'm still too angry. I don't know if I can forgive her. But what if she doesn't wake up? I can't do any of this if she doesn't make it."
Coleman patted him on the knee. "I know, Deacon. I know. The good news is that you will get to figure it out. Rayna's awake. Tandy just called to let me know."