Sunday, July 27, Room A/402
Levi Ackerman wakes up with a start.
With a groan, he rubs his eyes and blinks at his surroundings. His head hurts like fuck, he's in some strange room, his eyes feel like they're glued shut, he's naked, and the room smells like whiskey–
Wait a minute.
He's naked.
He's lying on a bed, covered in sheets, and he's naked.
WHY IS HE NAKED?
And that's not all. He has just realized something else.
There is someone else in bed next to him. Oh Maria. This is not happening.
He squeezes his eyes shut. This is a dream. A bad, bad dream. When he wakes up, everything will return back to normal.
But when he opens his eyes, nothing has changed. He's wide awake, and the nightmare is real.
He then slaps himself in the cheek. Nope. The person is still there. So he turns the other cheek and slaps himself again. No can do.
He tries to think happy thoughts to help him avoid thinking about whatever this is. He's in a field, in a wicker chair. He's holding a cup of Darjeeling and its earthy smell is soothing and calming. He's –
His fantasy is interrupted when his companion throws a stray arm over him.
"Tch." He pulls the covers off in order to get out of bed. Unfortunately, doing so reveals the person he has shared a bed with, and it's the last person he would like to be in this situation with.
And to make things worse, she's naked too.
Again, he tries to think of people he'd rather be naked in bed with. Isabel. Petra. Farlan. Mike. Gunther. Eld. Hell, even Oluo would do.
Moblit. Principal Erwin Smith. Eren Yeager.
His pet rock. A bottle of Windex. His grandpa's dead body. His cousin, who hates his guts. Principal Erwin's broom. A single dirty sock. In short, he would prefer being here with literally anyone except her.
Hange stirs in her sleep and turns so that her front is exposed. He has to cover his eyes to preserve his innocence – if it's still there, that is.
All of his symptoms lead him to believe that he was extremely drunk last night. Which he simply cannot believe, because A, he does not get drunk (no, seriously. Levi Ackerman is physically incapable of getting drunk.) and B, even hypothetically drunk him would know better than to sleep with Hange.
He sneaks a glance at her face. She looks so peaceful and calm, smiling in her sleep. You'd never guess that she's a crazy science freak from looking at her now.
It would be a shame if someone woke her up...
He reaches out and pinches her nose shut. This pose is held for a while until Hange realizes that she cannot breathe and is forced to wake up.
"WAAAH!" she sucks in some air through her mouth and exhales. "What – where –?"
"Shhh," Hange's loud voice hurts his ears and makes his headache worse. "Shut up, Four-Eyes."
Hange blinks at him. "Shorty? Levi? Is that you?"
"No," he says automatically. "I'm a fucking fairy princess that looks like him. What do you think?"
"Oh, so it is you!" Hange smiles at him and sits up in bed. Doing so causes the sheet covering her to slip off, revealing most of her body right down to her thighs. This does not make her uncomfortable in the slightest, but Levi is forced to turn away. "Did we have sex last night?"
Trust Hange to address the issue he's trying to forget about right away.
"Sina, I hope not," he mutters. He finds himself involuntarily scanning the floor for his clothes, and yep, sure enough, they're there. As much as he hates the thought of it, he can't help but feel that Hange is right.
"WE DID!" she screeches. "We so totally did! I mean, just look at you! You're naked! You look so embarrassed! Your clothes are on the floor! Oh my Goddesses, we totally had sex last night!"
Levi picks up a book from her desk and throws it at her. "You don't have to be so loud," he says. "I can hear you just fine."
"But you're not denying it! That means I'm right! We had sex! WE TOTALLY HAD SEX! WE –"
Realization finally hits Hange, causing her to stop in her tracks. "Oh no," she repeats quietly. "We had sex."
"Yah," Levi says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"I –" For once, Hange is at a loss for words. "What happened last night?"
Silence fills the room as both of them think about the events of the previous night. Unlike their cousins, who will be searching for answers all over the school in a few hours, Levi and Hange come to conclusions easily.
"It was your cousin's birthday," Levi starts. "Which reminds me."
He picks up his phone off the floor and taps away slowly. He's looking for a certain video taken last night that deserves to be seen by the rest of the world ASAP.
When he closes the YouTube app, he focuses back to the matter at hand. "Your cousin. The potato one."
"Sasha? I have only one cousin, you know," Hange replies. "Did she have some sort of party last night?"
He stares at her for a full minute, then nods. "Right. Of course. The two for one thing."
"What?" she asks.
"Here's the thing," Levi explains. He picks up a pair of pants off the floor and uses it to cover himself, while simultaneously throwing the covers over her to preserve her modesty. "You were bartending yesterday. And you were serving both the guests and yourself. For every two drinks you served, you drank one. And you got super high and now you're hungover. Do you understand?"
"Huh." Hange considers this for a while. "I don't remember anything. But it does sound like something I would do."
"Anything could sound like stuff you would do," he points out. "Throwing a ridiculous party and getting minors drunk? Something you would do. Getting yourself drunk? Still something you'd do. Getting me drunk? I don't know how you pulled that off."
"Awww, shucks, you're such a flatterer," Hange waves her hand at him, pretending to be modest. "Still, why did I end up sleeping with you? I don't even like short people!"
Levi throws another book at her.
"Ow," she complains, rubbing her head. "Besides, I always thought my first would be Moblit."
"Moblit?" he repeats.
"Yeah," she replies. "I think he has a crush on me, you know? I mean, he's always following me around and saying stuff like, 'Don't make liquid nitrogen bombs in the Chem lab, Hange! You'll kill yourself!', 'Don't set your own hair on fire, Hange! You'll kill yourself!' and 'Don't drop Mentos in the Coke, Hange! You'll kill yourself!' Why would he say stuff like that if he didn't like me?"
"Probably because, unlike the rest of us, Moblit doesn't want to see you blow yourself up?" Levi points out.
"Nah," Hange shakes her head and answers confidently. "He's totally in love with me. It's so obvious."
"Whatever," Levi snaps. "We need to talk about how we're going to deal with this. Regardless of what happened last night, no one finds out about this."
Hange smirks. "Are you ashamed of me, Shorty? Don't want people finding out about us?"
"THERE IS NO US." If Levi could pick an emoji to demonstrate how he felt right now, it would be (-_-). "WE DID NOT HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT AND EVEN IF WE DID NO ONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT IT. GOT IT?"
"Yeah, okay," says Hange finally. She watches Levi pick up his clothes off the floor and put them on. "I won't say anything if you don't want me to."
"Good." Finally clothed, Levi makes his way to the door. "This incident will be forgotten as soon as we leave. Have a good summer."
He opens the door to let himself out. There's something that's been bugging him since last night and he has to handle it as soon as possible. But he is forced to stop when a figure blocks his path.
Hange's roommate, Petra Ral, is at the doorway. Her room key is in her hand and it looks like she was about to open the door before Levi exited the room. She stares at him in surprise.
"Um," she says awkwardly. "Hey, Levi. What are you doing here?"
He's in shock. He thought he would be able to escape quietly and put this whole thing behind him, but apparently he was wrong. It's pretty early, so he thought that no one would be up at this hour, but Petra seems to be an early riser just like him.
He decides to turn the tables on her.
"You're wearing the same clothes as you were last night," he says quietly. "Walk of shame?"
Petra turns crimson. "I, uh, yeah, actually," she stutters. He's never seen her so embarrassed. Which is good, because it's exactly the kind of effect he was going for. "We were both drunk and lonely and..."
"Horny," he finishes.
Her face couldn't get any redder than it was then. "Yeah. That." she says.
"Huh," Levi says dryly. "Nothing like a good fuck every now and then. So who's the lucky bastard?"
Petra looks down. She's unable to meet his eye. Which means that the guy is one of their friends. Even better. "I – I'd rather not say. Yet."
He raises an eyebrow, pretending to be curious. "Well. I won't embarrass you anymore. Good day."
She gives him an embarrassed smile and enters her room. When she does, however, she is greeted by the sight of Hange asleep and naked. She stares back and forth between her roommate and Levi's retreating form, her mouth open.
When she finally connects the dots, Levi has disappeared.
Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Girls)
The super-important thing that had been bugging Levi since last night was this. The student lounge is a mess, and it is his mission as a self-appointed Crusader of Cleanliness to get rid of it. He enjoys this. After all, everyone has something that helps them blow off steam. Mike bathes their room in Chanel No. 5 when he's annoyed and spends hours just standing there and smelling it. His uncle Kenny drives far and fast when he's pissed. Levi, on the other hand, cleans.
He spends two hours there, clearing up the entire place and thinking about Hange. As much as he tries not to, her annoying face and shitty glasses and pudgy nude body are at the back of his mind. For the umpteenth time, he wonders what demon possessed him last night to get drunk and bang her, of all people.
By the time he's done, there are six black garbage bags lying outside the building. The room is back to its natural order. Sasha's presents and shoes are neatly placed in her room. The invalids in Rico's office are left where they are. Rico herself is returned to her room on the second floor. Pleased with himself and feeling marginally better about the whole Hange situation, he returns back to his room.
Sunday, July 27, Dining Hall
So far, Levi's morning has passed without much incident. When he got back to his room after a really long and thorough shower, Mike was fast asleep, so he lay down in his bed and pretended like he had been there all night. Mike didn't say anything about last night, except for "Great party, huh?" Now, they're both having breakfast in the dining hall and everything seems to be going well.
Mike Zacharias has an unusually strong sense of smell, and Levi is in perpetual fear of the thought that at any minute now Mike may smell the sex on him and out him. So he's been eating the smelliest foods served today and has already consumed five bowls of natto.
Understandably, no one is sitting near the tables around them. It's a miracle that Mike himself is able to tolerate sitting next to him.
Soon, Eld, Oluo and Gunther show up. None of them seem to know anything about him and Hange, so he's relieved. There's all sort of idle chatter and small talk and Oluo bragging about a girl he hooked up with last night, which he couldn't give two shits about. Some jokes are made about Levi's choice of breakfast, but other than that, everything seems fine.
That is, until she shows up.
"Hehe," Oluo chuckles, as the boys turn to watch Hange and Petra enter the dining hall. "Looks like someone's back for more!" He makes a sleazy face and winks at Levi.
Levi's blood turns cold. He grips the edges of his chair hard. Shit. He knows.
"Shut up, Oluo," says Gunther irritably. "You sound like a perv. Leave her alone."
Wait. Gunther is defending her – and indirectly, him? Does he know, too? Do they all know?
"Yeah," says Eld. "She's our friend. I mean, as a dude, I know I should be happy that a fellow dude got laid, but you're just making it creepy."
Yup. They know. He's never going to able live this one down.
He wonders if he should say something,
"Can you idiots please shut up?" Levi says, placing his chopsticks beside his tray. "Is that all you think about? Sex? Shouldn't you have more important matters on your mind, like packing and going home and seeing your families?"
Everyone looks startled for a moment. Then Oluo snaps back to reality and says, "Yeah! Why are you three always talking about doing it and girls and stuff? You're so lame."
Disaster averted.
But the disaster returns when Hange and Petra arrive at their table, trays in hand. "Good morning, guys," says Petra cheerfully. Levi notices that she's avoiding their eyes.
"Hey, Petra," they greet her.
"Hello, gentlemen!" Hange sings, slipping into the seat beside Oluo. "Good morning."
Levi is immediately thrown into a state of panic at the sound of her voice. He has to behave normally. He has to act like this isn't bothering him at all. No one should know. "Good morning," he blurts and bows stiffly at Hange.
This action earns him the stares of all of his friends.
"Um. Levi." Gunther says slowly. "What are you doing?"
"Since when are you so polite?" asks Mike suspiciously.
Crap. Instead of avoiding suspicion, he has cast more doubt on himself because of his stupidity.
In order to fix this one tiny mistake, he goes on and makes an even bigger one.
"Since today," Levi replies. "You know what they say. Manners make a man. Good morning," he bows at Mike. "Good morning," he bows at Gunther. "Good morning, good morning, good morning!" He bows awkwardly at Eld, Petra and Oluo in succession.
There is a stunned silence at the table. "Oh-kay?" says Eld uncertainly. "Good morning, Levi."
This is going from bad to worse. "I have to go," he says, standing up. He picks up his tray to clear it. "I have stuff to do."
He walks away, ignoring the murmurs of surprise among the group. "What's up with him?" he hears Gunther say behind his back. As if they don't already know.
He'd rather not face them than deal with that sort of awkwardness all morning.
If his friends do know about him and Hange, they're doing a good job of hiding it so far.
Thankfully, he's going back home soon. He won't have to deal with this shit anymore.
Sunday, July 27, Room B/403
Levi spends the rest of his morning shooting hoops and avoiding his friends. He has a lot of free time, because unlike his classmates he had finished packing already and had even triple checked his work. By the time he returns to his room, it's almost noon.
He needs another shower. Uncle Kenny will be arriving soon. He hasn't seen him since April (Uncle Kenny really doesn't like visiting) and he wants to make a good impression. His mind is momentarily diverted, as he thinks about home, his uncle, his hometown, his childhood friends...
When he opens the door, he's surprised and annoyed at finding Hange sitting on his bed, admiring the poster of Seijūrō Akashi on his wall.
His face turns magenta.
"What are you doing here?" he hisses. "Get out. Before someone sees you."
"Oh. Hey." Hange ignores his question and turns towards him. She doesn't seem like herself. She's usually chipper and excitable, but right now she's a lot calmer and more sensible. "Mike's with Eld. He let me in. Is that okay?"
He just stares at her. Why is Hange asking him if something is okay? She usually does what she wants without his consent.
"So," she starts, taking his silence as a yes. "We need to talk."
"No we don't," he replies, slamming the door shut. "Get lost."
"Yes, we do," Hange insists. "We made a mistake and we have to face the consequences now. You can't keep avoiding things forever."
He stares at her some more. Again, since when is Hange the responsible one?
Who is this woman (debatable) on his bed and where is the real Hange?
Then he realizes something. Last night, when he – did the unspeakable – he probably didn't use...
Probably? Of course he didn't. He doesn't carry any on him, because the thought of him actually having sex is laughable. Hannes has a jar full of rubbers in his office, in the hopes that if one of his boys ever did the deed, they'd do it safely. Levi has always kept himself at a minimum distance of three feet from that jar, because you never know what kind of vile scum had their hands in it. *cough*Franz Kefka*cough*
So, to sum it up, unless Hange forcibly put one on him, Levi did not use protection last night. Which would explain why Hange is so serious right now. She probably took a test, and...
Oh Maria. He thought his life was over, but now...he's literally fucked. This can't be happening. He's too young to be a dad. This is a bad dream. He's just being paranoid. He can't jump to conclusions. He has to remain calm. He can't freak out. He –
"ARE YOU PREGNANT?" he screams, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her.
Geez. Talk about Keep Calm.
"What?" she says in disbelief. "No! Why would you think something like that?"
Levi turns away. On the outside, he appears to be staring at Mike's collection of luxury fragrances. On the inside, he is weeping tears of pure joy.
"You're – you're not pregnant?" he says finally.
Hange looks heavenward. "I'm not pregnant," she replies. "I came here because I need to talk to you about the others. I think – I think they're on to us."
Levi flops down on his bed and gazes at the ceiling.
"Yeah," he says. "I noticed that, too. Oluo was saying some really dumb stuff earlier."
Hange frowns. "No, that's not it. I –"
A knock on the door interrupts her mid-sentence.
"Wait," he instructs, and strides across the room to open the door. Mikasa is standing there with Sasha cowering behind her.
"What?" he asks her. He knows that Mikasa doesn't like him and will do anything she can to avoid speaking to him. So if she's up here, knocking on his door, it must be important.
"Could we please come in? We need to talk to you about something." she says, with as much fake politeness she can muster. Behind her, Sasha looks like she could pee her pants any minute now.
It had better not happen on their lime green carpet. He had that cleaned last week.
"I'm busy," he tells her. Which is true. His room has been infested with the Third Kind and he has to exterminate it soon.
And besides, there is no way he is letting Mikasa and Sasha find Hange in his room.
Mikasa doesn't budge. "It won't take long," she persists.
Talk about the impossible meeting the immovable. There is no way that Levi is going to entertain Mikasa right now, and Mikasa is one of the most stubborn people he knows, so there is no way she will relent. Short of physically picking her up and throwing her away, he can't get rid of her.
"No," he says. For a moment, he sees a flicker of disappointment appear on her face. It looks like he might be winning this after all. If he pushes her away some more, she'll probably leave.
But then Shitty Glasses goes on to open her shitty mouth and ruin everything.
"Who is it, Levi?" she calls, wondering what's taking him so long. Levi wants to strangle her. He's trying to get rid of the brats so that they won't bother him and find out about her, and then she has to open her big mouth and confirm that she is in there.
Stupid, stupid Hange. She's supposed to be at the top of their class, along with him, but for the life of him he cannot tell where Hange's brains go outside class.
And as he expected, Sasha pushes her way into the room at the sound of her cousin's voice.
"HANGE?" she says, shocked. Levi facepalms. He then uses his left hand to facepalm again.
Then he wonders why he wasn't born with eight arms so that he could facepalm eight times.
He locks eyes with Hange and tries to communicate with her telepathically. Get rid of them, idiot. They will find out about last night and tell the whole school. Make them go away. Or I'll make YOU go away.
Unfortunately, Hange is not psychic.
"Hey," she says, smiling at her cousin. At this point, she's practically welcoming her into his room. "What are you doing here?"
Why don't you brew her a cup of tea while you're at it? he thinks. Seriously, though, why isn't strangling annoying mad scientists legal?
"We, uh," Sasha says. "Mikasa and I wanted to talk to Levi about the party..."
Levi freezes. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY FIND OUT?
He glances at Mikasa. She frowns at him, and raises her eyebrow. Sasha is looking at him expectantly. Hange looks alarmed.
How? How did these brats find out about us? And why do they even want to talk about it? That's fucked up on so many levels. I mean, who walks up to their cousin's room and asks, "Hey, so you banged this shemale last night. Wanna talk about it?"
But no. He's not going to jump to conclusions this time. Mikasa and Sasha are probably just fishing for gossip. They want to know if he and Hange really had sex last night. They don't know the truth. And they're never going to find out, because he's not going to tell them.
"WE DID NOT HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT," he says loudly, hoping to get the point across.
But, just like it's been happening all day, his words end up making things worse.
Sasha stares at him. "I...did not say you did..." she says slowly.
Well, if they didn't know before, they definitely know now. Levi turns his brain off. It's done enough damage for the day.
He puts his instincts on autopilot. Without thinking, he picks up both the girls and throws them out of his room, before slamming the door in their faces.
He then wonders if he should do the same with the Abnormal on his bed.
"Dammit, Shorty!" Hange says loudly. "I think you just blew our cover!"
At least she's back to normal.
Levi gives her a look. "You have five minutes to tell me what's bothering you before I throw you out of my room, too."
"Okay, okay," Hange sighs. She jumps out of his bed and begins pacing across the room. "So, after you left, everyone was acting really weird. They kept talking about sex and Petra was hitting Oluo and Eld tried to stop them. And Petra was giving me this look. You know what I mean, right?"
He glares at her. "What do you think?"
"Come on," Hange says impatiently. "The I-know-what-you-did-last-night-look. You know. Like this." Her face scrunches up into an unreadable expression.
Levi frowns. "Are you constipated?"
"No!" she yells. "Look, never mind. That isn't important. The point is, she knows. And so do Mike and Eld. They were whispering amongst themselves after you left. I think they all know. About us, I mean."
Levi just stares at her. Since his brain has been turned off, he doesn't know how to respond to that.
"You're jumping to conclusions," he tells her finally. "That's the worst thing you can do right now. Trust me. I would know."
She folds her arms across her chest. "I'm right about this. I know I am."
"If we're fucked, we're fucked," he replies. "We live with the shame for one more semester and watch our lives gradually get flushed down the can. You remain a weirdo, and I get demoted to your status. Then we graduate and I live as a sad, lonely man with nineteen cats."
"I don't see why this is such a big deal to you," she laments. "So yeah, we had sex. So what? Nothing's gonna come out of it. It's not like we're going to miraculously fall in love with each other now. And even if everyone else finds out, so what? They're gonna make fun of us for a while, but it won't go on forever. Everything's gonna be fine."
Levi shakes his head. Hange isn't getting it. He's not upset because he slept with someone. He's not afraid of everyone finding out (although it wouldn't hurt if they didn't know about this).
He's disappointed because this was his first, too. And it was with Hange.
He turns away and practices a "The Reason You Suck" Speech in his head. Idiot. You ought to be taking this more seriously. What happened to the whole "we made a mistake, and now we have to face the consequences" thing you had going on? It's not enough that I could have gotten you pregnant at eighteen, but it could have ruined MY life too. I mean, I have to live with the fact that I was inside your shitty –
His cell phone beeps with an incoming text message.
"Look at this," Hange says, her phone in her hand. "Emergency meeting. My room. Stat. Petra's posted this in our group. She obviously wants to talk about us."
"Obviously?" Levi raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah," she replies, and sighs. "Shorty, let's face it. Everyone knows about us by now. The gang. Sasha. Mikasa. It's only a matter of time before the rest of the school finds out. We might as well come clean."
"Why don't we," he starts, "see what Petra wants instead of assuming she wants to talk about us? And before we come clean, why don't we find out how much the others know?"
Hange stares at him, open-mouthed. "That's the smartest thing you've said all day," she sounds impressed. "See what happens when you don't overthink it? You end up actually using your brains for once."
Levi hits her on the head with a broom.
Sunday, July 27, A/402
"Hey." Mike and Eld finally arrive and shut the door behind them. "What's going on?"
"Oh. Good. You two are here." Petra says, relieved. She's sitting on her bed, hugging her knees. "We can start the meeting now."
"IT IS NOT A MEETING," Levi is quick to correct. He's leaning on the wall beside Hange's desk. "It's just us getting together and talking. Like we always do."
"Whatever." Petra says offhandedly. "So. You guys know why I called you here, right?"
"Yep." They all nod in unison. Grave looks are exchanged among the group. Levi dabs his handkerchief on his forehead and tries to look calm.
"Petra, really," Oluo sighs dramatically. To Levi's annoyance, he has a similar monogrammed handkerchief out and he's wiping imaginary sweat across his own forehead. "Just let it die. I know you're still hung up on me, but –"
Petra snorts. "Yeah, dream on." Her expression turns serious and she continues, "So, as you all know, Oluo and I –" she grimaces, "had sex last night."
"What?" Levi gasps.
"What?" echoes Hange.
Everyone gives them strange looks. "I thought you two knew about this?" asks Gunther suspiciously.
"No one told us..." begins Hange, but she stops when she feels Levi's murderous gaze in her direction. "I mean, no one told us that she'd be announcing it like this! This is so dramatic! And I didn't even bring any popcorn!"
"Yes, well," Petra's cheeks are tinged pink. "I decided to call you all to tell you the truth about last night. What happened was, Oluo and I got really drunk at the party, and I was kind of lonely, so he invited me outside to walk with him and the next thing I know I'm in his room and we're taking off our clothes and –"
She stops mid-sentence to take off her slipper and throw it at Oluo, who had been making lewd expressions while she was talking.
"Anyway," she continues, "I want you guys to know that there's nothing going on between the two of us. We're not going to start dating and let things get weird in the group. I mean, I noticed that you guys were being really strange this morning. Especially Levi. And all the teasing makes me uncomfortable. So I don't want you guys talking about this anymore. Oluo and I don't have feelings for each other and we never will. Got it?"
"Speak for yourself," mutters Oluo.
"Got it?" Petra repeats, more loudly this time.
"Yes, Petra," everyone mumbles. Levi feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Nobody knows. Good. His world is back to normal. He can now lock up his memories of last night in a sealed chest and dump it at the bottom of his mind. He is a free man.
Hallelujah.
"Well, if that's all," he says, making his way to the door.
"Um, Levi? Hang on a moment, please," Petra requests.
Levi freezes. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
He bites his lip and wishes that he could travel back in time to seventeen years ago when Mr and Mrs Zoë were about to have sex and slap them back to their senses, so that their abomination of a child could not be conceived and then he wouldn't have to meet her and –
Where was he? Oh, yeah. Petra was talking to him.
"Since I've come clean," she says quietly. "Don't you think the rest of us deserve to know what you did last night too?"
"What are you talking about?" Oluo demands.
Levi glances at him, ignoring Petra. "I have no idea what she's talking about. And I have to go. I don't have time for any more of this crap."
He turns to leave, but Petra grabs him by the arm.
"I thought we were friends!" Her voice has risen a few octaves higher and she sounds positively pitiful. "I always thought that there were no secrets between the seven of us!"
Levi doesn't respond to this. He knows where this is going. Petra is big on the whole "Friendship is Magic" thing and uses every chance she gets to force her values on the rest of the group. She is the poster girl for smiles, hugs and the Power of Friendship. Rumor has it that she owns DVDs of all of the seasons of a certain animated series about friendship and talking cartoon horses. Petra has been known to randomly spout friendship speeches at the oddest times, and it looks like Levi is about to be on the receiving end of one now.
"The whole reason I called you guys up here," she starts, "is because I didn't want to hide anything from you. I knew Oluo would tell you, but I still wanted to clear the air myself. I hate it when there are secrets in the group. We're all so close; we've been friends for nearly three years now. And you still don't trust us enough to tell us about you and Hange?"
Gunther and Oluo gasp loudly.
"What did you and Hange do last night?" Gunther demands.
"They probably killed someone," Oluo whispers.
"You're going overboard again. It's not that bad," Eld says dryly. "They just had sex."
"Wait, WHAT?" Gunther says.
"Wait, WHAT?" Oluo repeats.
"Wait, WHAT?" Hange says. "How did you guys find out?"
"I don't know how Eld knows," Petra says, "but I saw you two. Together. I'm pretty sure you did it."
"Guys," Hange forces a laugh, "It's not like that. Levi and I would never –"
"I don't know what to believe anymore," says Gunther. "First you and Oluo, now Levi and Hange..."
"Dude, you're totally stealing my thunder!" Oluo cries.
"Levi, what do you have to say for yourself?" Petra demands.
Levi is quiet. His eyes dart around the room, looking for a sharp object he could use to commit seppuku.
This. This is why he did not want anybody finding out about. This is what happens when his friends try to poke their noses into his business. Not only did they blow the issue COMPLETELY out of proportion, they also managed to confuse themselves and everyone else about what really happened.
He decides to step in and, like Petra asked him, speak for himself.
"So," he says quietly. His voice is low, but it has a commanding tone that immediately grabs everyone's attention and forces them to shut up. "According to you idiots, Shitty Glasses and I screwed last night. Is that right?"
Petra nods furiously.
"Alright," he continues. "Who here knows for sure that we did last night?"
Petra, Eld and Mike raise their hands.
Hange gives him a smug look. Damn. So Four-Eyes was right for once.
"Petra," Levi says, turning towards her. "What do you think happened?"
Petra turns pink. "Well, I don't know if you remember, but I got back to my room this morning, from the boys' dorm, because, you know, yeah. Anyway, I saw you leaving the room and when I saw Hange she was naked and asleep. So I'm pretty sure you guys...uh..."
"I see," he says. "So you thought that just because she was naked and I was leaving her room that we had sex."
"Yeah," she says. "I mean, what else would I think? I'm not judging you guys, but I –"
"So you don't have any REAL proof that we did it," he interrupts. "You're just assuming that we did."
Petra blinks at him. "Well, yes, that's true. But –"
"Eld," Levi says loudly. He turns his attention to him. "What do you know?"
Eld looks uncomfortable. "Levi. Dude. You can't pull that on me." He gestures around the room. "Unlike these guys, I wasn't drunk last night. I remember all too well what happened."
"Oh?" Levi says, raising his eyebrows. This one was going to be a little harder to weasel his way out of. Nevertheless, unless Eld actually saw them doing the nasty, he still had no proof.
"Yeah. I remember Hange being really drunk and doing this weird striptease thingy on the table last night. That's how it started," says Eld.
Levi tries to imagine Hange stripping. All the natto he consumed threatens to make its way back up his throat.
"Was I any good?" asks Hange excitedly. "No, that's a dumb question. I was obviously sexy and amazing, right?"
Everybody gives her a look.
"Yeah, not answering that," replies Eld. "Anyway, so just when she was getting to the good part, you jumped on the table and grabbed her arm and said something to her."
"What did I say?" Levi frowns.
"I don't remember," Eld shrugs. "But I think it was something really romantic. Something along the lines of, 'Babe, I'm the only one who can see you naked' I guess."
Levi's face turns green. His throat feels ticklish, and he is reminded of Bertolt Hoover and Jean Kirstein from last night. If he's not careful, he will find himself doomed to the same fate as those two shitheads.
"Moving on," Eld continues. "So then, Hange says something and unbuttons your shirt. And she's like running her hands all over your abs and playing with your hair and her fingers are on your lips and in your mouth and stuff. Trust me, dude, it was so gross that I – Levi? Hey, Levi? Where's he going?"
Everyone watches as Levi suddenly pushes his way out of the group. He makes his way over to Petra's closet and yanks it open.
"Levi, what are you doing?" asks Petra, worried.
He ignores her and rummages through her closet for a while, until he finds what he's looking for. It's a little brown paper bag that some of the students use when they want to carry food back from the dining hall back to their rooms. Levi opens the bag and hurls all of his breakfast into it.
"What's wrong with him?" Petra cries. "Is he sick? Levi, are you okay?"
"He's fine," Mike assures her. "Just a little grossed out, I guess."
The group moves so that they're surrounding him. Eld rubs his back while he tries to gain his composure back. "I'm sorry, dude. I didn't really expect you to throw up at that."
Levi glares at him. "Would it be too much to ask you to leave the filthy details out of your story? Just tell it like it is. Please."
"A sample of Levi's vomit," murmurs Hange, her eyes shining. To everyone's disgust, she lifts up the bag and raises it to the ceiling, not unlike the way Rafiki presented Simba in Lion King. "I never thought I'd ever get my hands on something like this! What secrets do you hold, you beautiful bag of barf? I can't wait to take you to the lab and find out!"
"Get that bag out of my sight," Levi commands.
"Nuh-huh," Hange shakes her head stubbornly. "I'm keeping this." She frowns for a moment, then snaps her fingers. "Tell you what, though. Why don't you use the bathroom and clean yourself up, and when you come back, this bag will be gone. Deal?"
Levi shakes his head and walks out of the room. When he returns, everyone is nauseated and green, except for Hange, who's grinning.
He shoots a questioning look at Mike, who shakes his head and mouths, "You don't wanna know."
"Anyway," Eld claps his hands to get everyone's attention. "So, you two were doing some weird stuff, and you pulled her off the table. And then you said something like, 'Not here. Let's continue in your room.'"
"And everyone went crazy," Mike continues.
Eld nods. "Yeah. All the girls were screaming and everyone tried to cram into the elevator trying to get to Hange's – well, to this room. And you dragged her up the stairs and disappeared."
"Oh," Levi says. "So...you don't know what happened after that?"
Eld shakes his head. "Nah. There were too many crazy girls around the place, so I didn't bother trying to find out. But from what I heard later, you have a really firm, um –" He coughs and flexes his fingers, as though he's grabbing something.
"CAN WE NOT," Levi almost screams.
"Right," Eld pauses. "So, uh, I don't know about you guys, but it's pretty clear to me that Levi and Hange did, in fact, have sex last night."
Levi buries his face in his hands. He knows that he sounds really repetitive and annoying, but again he begs a god he does not believe in to free him from his misery right now.
"Yep," Petra nods confidently. "These two definitely did it."
"See, now this time I didn't imitate him on purpose!" Oluo says triumphantly. "Our minds were in sync last night! We really do think alike!"
"Yeah, except that you don't," Eld replies. "See, Levi, I told you. It happened. I don't know why you and Hange are denying it, but yeah. It doesn't change facts."
Oluo slaps Hange on the back. "So, how was it, Hanj? Wait, don't tell me right now. I'll call you later when no one's around. You can give me all the deets then, hmmm?"
Only Oluo would use a word as obnoxious as "deets". Even though it's not like him, Levi can't help feeling sorry for Hange. If what Eld is saying is true – and it probably is, because Eld's not the kind of guy to make this stuff up – then it's kind of his fault that she's in this mess now. Because he apparently initiated it. Right now, Oluo is prodding her with all sorts of embarrassing questions, which she's trying to brush off with a laugh, and Petra and Eld are digging for more gossip on him. Only Mike is by himself, looking bored.
Come to think of it, Mike has been silent throughout the "meeting". Levi wonders what's up with him.
Hange tries to blow their questions off, but the three just keep prying. He shakes his head. He knows full well that she would have probably told them everything had she been sober during the deed. But since she's unable to remember anything, she can't answer them, and they just keep hounding her more.
What kind of friends are they? He starts to feel sorry for her again, but then remembers who she is and how she ruined his life, and he laughs to himself. Him, pitying her. Now that was funny. He has to hand it to his feelings – they know how to play a good joke on him every now and then.
"See?" Petra looks at him squarely. "There's no point in hiding it anymore. We know everything."
"Even I didn't want to believe it at first," Gunther murmurs. He looks like his world is being torn apart. "I feel like everything I know is a lie. I can see Hange doing something like this, but not you. And definitely not you two together. Can't believe you did it."
All of their accusations are only making him feel worse about himself. Never did he imagine he'd end up in a position like this.
"Yeah," Mike speaks up suddenly. He stands up straight and walks towards the group. "Except that they didn't."
There is a silence in the room.
"Um, what?" Petra says.
"Levi and Hange," Mike begins, "did not have sex last night."
There is another silence.
"What the fuck is going on?" Gunther wails. "What is this? What is life? WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
"Mike, dude, you were there last night," Eld points out. "You saw the whole thing. You know I'm not making this up."
"I did," Mike nods. "And you aren't. But they did not have sex."
"And how would you know something like that?" Petra demands.
Mike shrugs, and points to the trashcan at the corner of the room. "For one, no condom in the trash."
The gang ponders over this information for a minute. Levi, however doesn't, as he had already thought of this. He knows that he doesn't carry condoms around with him, so he most likely did not use one last night. Mike's revelation proves nothing. But he's still grateful to him for trying.
"That doesn't mean anything," Eld says. "They could have done it, y'know, unprotected."
Oluo sighs dramatically and wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. "Levi and I are similar in almost every way – we're almost like twins, in fact. But even I used protection last night when Petra and I..." He moves his fingers to perform a suggestive action.
Petra sighs. "You keep bragging about sleeping with me, yet you're too embarrassed to even use the word. SEX, Oluo. It's called SEX. God. Grow up."
"They didn't have to use protection," Mike insists. "Because they DIDN'T have sex."
"Mike, we discussed this already," Gunther says wearily. "We know that you and Levi are really close and you want to stick up for him, but you have to admit it, it looks bad. There's just too much evidence we can't ignore."
Levi's head hurts.
But Mike stubbornly crosses his arms over his chest. "I know for a fact that they didn't do it."
"What, were you spying on them or something?" Eld scoffs.
"Didn't have to do that," Mike shrugs again. "The Nose knows." He taps at the tip of his nose proudly.
Hange takes off her glasses and massages her temples. "You know that things are bad when even I can't keep up with the craziness around me." She sighs.
Hange may be too stupid to keep up, but Levi isn't. He knows what Mike, in his own brusque way, is trying to say. Mike has the nose of a bloodhound. Part of the reason why he and Levi make such a good team is this – Mike sniffs out the dirt, and Levi cleans it. He had spent all morning eating bowl after bowl of stinky soybeans hoping that Mike wouldn't call him out for his activities last night. But there was no fooling Mike – eventually, he always sniffs out the truth.
"Levi and Hange don't smell like sex," Mike explains. "On the other hand, you two –" he points at Oluo and Petra, "reek of it. Which means that you exchanged bodily fluids last night, while they didn't."
Levi fights the urge to yell, "BAZINGA!" in all of their faces. Their stupid, smug-ass faces accusing him of shit he didn't do. Assholes.
"Are you sure?" Petra says finally, "I mean, he's Levi. He probably showered like three times this morning. The smell could have just, um, washed away."
"I can name every drink Hange had last night right now, all off her smell alone." Mike says indignantly. "And you think I'd be wrong about something like this? Nope. Never doubt the Nose."
He smiles at Levi and Hange. "You two can relax now. You did nothing wrong."
Levi returns his smile. "You fool," he says fondly. "If you knew all along, why didn't you say something before?"
Mike smirks. "It was kinda funny, if I say so myself. It's not every day you see everyone all riled up like this. Besides, I wanted to – what's the word they use? Oh, right. Troll. I was trying to troll you all."
Levi simply shakes his head. Mike reminds him of someone else right now – Principal Erwin Smith. Both of them are serious, intimidating men on the outside, but complete dorks when no one is around.
"But that doesn't make any sense!" Eld cries. "If they didn't do it, then why did Hange try to take off his clothes on the table? Why did Levi drag her to the room? Why was he saying all that sweet stuff to her? Why was she naked this morning? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?"
"Who knows?" Mike gazes at the ceiling. "Maybe if there's someone out there with a clear memory of last night, who followed them up to the room, we might actually find out. But we can't really say anything. So for now, we can just be glad that our two friends didn't hook up and leave at that. Sound good?"
"Wow, Mike," Hange sounds impressed. "That's like, the most you've said all week."
"You're welcome," he replies. "I was only too glad to save your ass, Hange."
The atmosphere in the room has calmed down. It's now brighter and happier, and the tension has diffused.
"I won't give up, you know," Petra says. "I'm going to find out exactly what happened. You can bet on that."
Well, most of the tension, anyway.
"Whatever," Levi rolls his eyes. "I'm out of here. You're probably dying to apologize to me and the Abnormal right now, but I'm not in the mood to listen. So I'll meet you idiots in the parking lot in an hour, and I expect to hear a heartfelt apology from each of you. Five hundred words. No copying off each other. Four different apologies." He pauses. "On second thought, make that five. You owe me an apology too, Shitty Glasses. For being annoying in general. Come on, Mike."
The two leave the room, ignoring the horrified expressions of their friends.
Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)
Mike and Levi walk across the campus in silence. None of them say anything about the meeting in Hange and Petra's room, nor the events that transpired last night.
If there's one thing that Levi is thankful for, it's Mike's ability to mind his own business. Unlike the rest of his friends, Mike doesn't feel the need to pry and comment on Levi's sex life. Nor does he feel the need to question anything that Levi does under the influence of alcohol, simply because he's a nice guy.
But although Mike will not say anything, Levi can see that he's curious about what happened last night too. He wants to ask why Levi decided to seduce Hange when the thought of it literally makes him puke, but he doesn't. Levi is rather confused himself. He's glad to know that he did not actually sleep with her, but he'd really like to find out why he pretended to do such a thing.
Unfortunately, unless Hange has cameras in her room (he wouldn't put it past her), there is no way to find out. He'll just have to accept that he did something stupid when he was drunk and move on.
They enter the building and proceed for the stairs. The student lounge is almost empty. Most of the boys have left for their homes already, but a few of them are loafing about, probably waiting for their rides. Hannes's office is wide open, yet he is AWOL again. He's probably in the teaching quarters, getting drunk with Pixis, Levi assumes. But the sight of that open office makes him realize something.
"You go on ahead," he tells Mike. "I'll be right up."
Mike shrugs and pushes a button to summon the elevator. Levi, on the other hand, makes his way into the open office.
The condom jar is still on desk, as expected. It's almost empty, which not surprising, given the noises that had been coming from Franz's room all morning. Levi sighs, and pulls out a packet of tissues, using one of them to cover his hand. He then carefully pries open the jar and picks up one of the offending items, before covering it with three of the tissues and placing it in his back pocket.
He knows that the packet is going to remain in his wallet for the rest of the school year, yet he can't help but feel that he should always carry one around. He will never forget the disgust and loathing he felt this morning when he realized what he'd done (or what he thought he'd done) and the fear he'd felt when he had realized that the mistake could cost him more than his reputation.
If there's one thing he's learned from the whole thing, it's this: BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING. There's nothing worse than waking up and learning that you did something (or someone) you never thought you'd do. Seriously. Trust him. He knows.
He just hopes that he never has to use it. Especially not on her.
Ugh. He needs another shower. He had eaten the smelliest food on the menu today, barfed in a paper bag and put his hand in a jar full of condoms. When he gets back to his room, Mike's going to smell the condom jar on him, and he's going to know.
Levi shakes his head and smiles to himself. What a weird way to end the semester.
Although he hasn't left yet, he already misses Titan Academy. He can't wait to be back.
What Actually Happened
Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)
"You're smiling," Gunther tells Levi. "Dude. You're actually smiling."
Levi immediately stops smiling and glares at Gunther instead. Gunther is a little tipsy and is frowning at him like he's an animal at the zoo.
"Oh no," Gunther sounds alarmed. "See, now he's glaring." He pokes Oluo in the shoulder. "Oluo, Levi's glaring at me. Why is he glaring at me? Make him stop."
Oluo, like Gunther, is also a few drinks down. He joins Gunther in studying Levi and says, "He's not glaring or smiling. He's smizing."
"What?" asks Gunther, confused.
"You know," Oluo explains. He gestures to his eyes. "Smizing. Smiling with your eyes. Like Tyra Banks taught us to do on ANTP."
Levi doesn't know what that is.
"Wow, Oluo, I didn't know you were into American reality TV." Petra sounds impressed, and moves closer to him. "Did you watch the season when..."
Levi moves away from all three of the drunken idiots and heads to the bar. He needs another drink if he's going to get through this. As for why he was smiling, he was actually thinking that the party wasn't half bad. Sure, a lot of shit had gone down and some of the first-years had embarrassed themselves terribly – the latest being Eren Yeager and Jean Kirstein (which he may or may not have filmed) – but he was actually having a good time. Uncle Kenny always said that a glass of whiskey made any situation better, and he couldn't have been more right.
Levi had also noticed that there seemed to be a strange man dressed in an orange suit and hiding behind a potted plant, a man who looked suspiciously like Principal Smith. He had frowned at the man, as if to ask why he was there, but the man simply mouthed "Pretend I'm not here."
Looks like he has some interesting Twitter updates to look forward too.
At the bar, Levi doesn't wait for Hange to pour him a drink, and pours one himself. Hange is busy attending to some first-year. He has seen her around before; she's in the Newspaper Club. She has a rather silly name. What was it? Mitch? Bitch?
"You're Hange, right?" the girl is saying.
"The one and only," Hange grins at the girl. Even though she's sloshed, she still manages to pour both rum and coke into the glass without spilling most of it on the table.
"My name is Hitch Dreyse," the girl smiles. Levi nods. Yeah, that was it. Hitch.
"I've heard about you, you know," she takes a sip out of the drink Hange had prepared for her, and nods in appreciation. "There are some strange rumors going around, and I wanted to know if they were true."
"Rumors? What?" Hange's smiles disappears. Levi snorts. Being drunk certainly has a unique effect on everyone. In Hange's case, it made her a lot slower than she normally was. Not that she was very bright to begin with.
"Rumors," Hutch repeats impatiently. "Gossip. Stories. Surely you know what I'm talking about?"
"Uhhh," Hange's face scrunch up like she's thinking hard. "No, not really."
Hitch sighs in exasperation. "Fine. I'll tell you. There are some people saying that you're not, well, a woman."
Levi's eyes widen. He knows he isn't supposed to be eavesdropping, but he can't help himself. He has heard this rumor before, but never given much thought to it. Would Hange confirm or deny it?
"Um, what?" Hange says. "What do you mean?"
"How drunk are you?" Hitch asks, annoyed. "I'm obviously asking if you have a dick or not! Can't you tell?"
To Levi's surprise, Hange doesn't answer immediately. She actually takes time to think of an answer, and says, "You – you shouldn't be asking me something like that."
Hitch shrugs. "Why not? It's a simple question. See, if you were to ask me that, I'd say that I'm a girl. Easy enough, right? But not for you, apparently. You're not giving me a straight answer."
She leans forward and smiles maliciously. "Which makes me wonder if you have something to hide."
Hange swallows nervously. It's the first time Levi has seen her look so vulnerable and tense. "I don't have an answer for you," she says.
Hitch cocks her head to the side. "It's alright if you don't wanna talk about it. You just have to show me."
"What?" Hange says.
"Get on the table," Hitch instructs. "And dance. Like they do in strip clubs. Take of your clothes."
Levi slaps his palm on his mouth to keep himself from guffawing loudly. The thought of Hange doing something like that is ridiculous.
"That sounds like fun, but I'll pass," Hange replies.
"Aw, come on, Hange," Hitch says. "The entire Newspaper Club's here: we all really wanna know. We're just so curious. You're a scientist. You understand, don't you?"
Hange can't help but nod.
"You're drunk," Hitch continues. "So if you got up on this table and began stripping, no one would bat an eyelid. And once you're done, then the rumors would stop. Pretty simple, right?"
Although he was laughing a few seconds ago, Levi realizes that the situation is more serious than it seems. There's a chance that Hange may actually go along with this dumb plan. Not that he cares about her embarrassing herself – it's Moblit's job to keep her out of trouble, after all. But Moblit's kind of busy right now, and no one else besides Levi seems to have any idea about what Hange is about to do.
He has to do something, and fast. Only what?
He can't think of anything. His brain draws a blank. So for now, he just follows Uncle Kenny's advice and drinks.
Every time he downs a glass, he assesses the situation and checks for ideas. When he finds none, he pours another glass and drinks again. And again. And again. In doing so, the filter that was keeping the bad ideas out of his head weakens, and he can think again. This drinking process is repeated until he comes up with some sort of half-assed plan.
He moves away from the table and stumbles across to his friends. Hange, meanwhile, has already begun her striptease. She's dancing and playing with the buttons on her shirt, unbuttoning them one by one. Finally, she takes off her yellow shirt and throws it on the floor.
She is now wearing a pink bra and black pants. Unfortunately, no one is paying any attention to her, with the exception of a couple of people she knows and a few unpopular boys.
"I'm about to do somethin' stupid," he tells Gunther, Oluo and Petra, who are watching their friend dance with their mouths open.
"What?" asks Petra, not looking at him.
"Watch," he tells her. Trying his best to keep his balance, he walks over to the drinks table and climbs on top of it.
Hange's fingers and now fumbling with the hooks at the back of her bra. She keeps trying, and failing, to get the damn thing open. Although the sight is disgusting even when he's drunk, it makes Levi wonder how girls put those things on in the first place.
He shakes his head and tries to remember why he climbed on the table.
"Babe," he says. Bile tickles the back of his throat as he utters the word, but he forces it back down. "What are you doing?"
"What?" she asks loudly.
"You can't show off your – cough – beautiful body to anyone else, you know. I'll get jealous."
This one line manages to grab the attention of every female within a ten-foot radius. Mouths fall open all across the room, including Eld and Mike's. Several girls approach the drinks table curiously to watch.
"Did – did Levi Ackerman just say what I think he said?" one girl says.
"Is he dating her?" says another.
"Oh?" Hange blinks at him for a moment. Then she grins and nods. "You're right. I am beautiful."
Her finger travel over the white shirt he's wearing. "And so are you, Levi darling. Why don't you show all of us how beautiful you really are?"
Levi cringes at her touch, but forces a smile. He allows her to unbutton his shirt and tries to twist his face to fool everyone into thinking that he's turned on.
Hange smirks and runs her fingers over his body. Seven years of basketball have given Levi a body that ought to be on a Greek god. The mere sight of it causes some his fangirls at the party to faint, and they have to be taken away. And Hange's hands on his abs lead to many girls drooling with jealousy.
He realizes that he has been silent for a while, and tries to keep up with his stupid act.
"You can't strip," he tells her, in his most seductive voice. He says it loudly on purpose so that Hitch can hear everything. "You can't let anybody except me see you naked."
"Oh, okay," Hange shrugs, then resumes playing with his body. He wants to shake his head in exasperation. How dumb is she that she hasn't already figured out what he's doing? She can't think that he's seriously seducing her!
Her hands are now in his hair. Levi wants to tell her to stop. He doesn't like people touching his hair. Well, to be fair, he doesn't like people touching him, period. But he lets her do it.
Her fingers are now sliding over his face and into his mouth. Nope. Nope. Not happening. Abort mission.
He spits her fingers out of his mouth, and everyone gasps. Shit. Maybe he should have allowed her to keep going. But then another idea strikes him, and he pulls her by the hand.
"Come on," he says. "Let's continue this in your room."
"Deafening" is not the appropriate word to describe the screams that follow. The mere idea of Levi taking his clothes off sends everyone into a frenzy, and there is lots of screaming, hugging and crying happening in the room.
Levi ignores them all and pulls Shitty Glasses up three flights of stairs. When he gets there, most of his fans are already crowding the fourth floor, making it difficult for him to drag her towards her room. As he walks down the corridor slowly, people from all over the school try to get a feel of his bare chest. One of them even has the audacity to touch him on the face, and he fights the urge to bite down on the person's hand.
When they get to her room, he is quick to lock the door and throw her on the bed. She stares at him in confusion.
"Take off your clothes," he tells her, as loudly as he can. Screams erupt from the other side of the door.
Hange shrugs, and begins unbuttoning her trousers. Levi shakes his head in derision. Any other girl would have screamed, "Pervert!" and tried to hit him with her slipper, but not Hange.
When she peels them off her body, he positions himself so that he stands between the keyhole and the bed. This will prevent anyone, including Hitch Dreyse, from finding out what she's packing. Which was his original plan from the start.
Hange continues to take off the rest of her clothes, until she's completely naked before him. He squeezes his eyes shut before she can finish. He doesn't need to be mentally scarred, no thank you.
"Get under the covers," he tells her.
Since Hange's drunk brain is rather slow, she doesn't bother questioning his actions, and blindly complies. He's relieved; it's one less thing for him to worry about anyway.
"Are you gonna fuck me?" she asks. Levi groans. How slow is she? How can she not realize what he's doing already?
"I'm going to fuck you hard," he replies, rather loudly. He can almost hear his fangirls coming in their pants outside the room.
"Yay!" Hange says, and snuggles under the covers, awaiting further instructions. When she's done, he opens his eyes again.
Levi then does the most daring and selfless thing he's ever done.
In a parallel universe, there is a sober version of him not doing any of the crazy shit he's doing right now. In a few seconds, Sober Levi is probably going to arrive and kick him senseless for what he's about to do (He likes kicking little shits senseless).
But Sober Levi does not stop him. So he goes on to take off his white shirt and throw it on the floor. Hange watches on curiously as he slowly peels off his jeans, tossing them aside on the floor.
He so badly wants to pick up his clothes and fold and place them neatly, but he doesn't.
Levi swallows hard. He's aware of the fact that the fangirls are watching through the keyhole, although he's not quite sure how many eyes can fit there at once. So he gives them the best damn show they've ever seen.
He'll make it so they don't have to see another man naked until they graduate.
Of course, he won't show them everything. After all, a man must have his secrets.
Levi turns so that everyone outside has a good view of his back profile. Hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his black briefs, he slowly slides them down his legs.
Hange's eyes widen, and her mouth falls open. Thuds can be heard outside the room, as one by one every girl who takes in the glorious sight faints.
A loud, familiar voice can be heard screaming.
"Sasha?" Hange murmurs.
He picks his underwear from the floor and walks awkwardly backwards. Screams go off as his magnificent behind gets closer to the door. Without turning, he hangs his underwear on the doorknob, preventing them all from watching the rest of the show.
"Awww!" they cry in disappoint.
Levi sighs in relief. Quickly, he slides under the covers with Hange, careful not to peek or get to close to her.
He picks up a test tube from her bedside table (why the fuck does she have a test tube there? Does she check the pH of her saliva before bed?) and hands in to her.
"Suck on this. Loudly." Levi instructs.
"What?" she asks. "Why?"
"Just do it," he hisses. "It has to sound like I'm kissing you passionately, you idiot."
"Oh," she replies. Placing the test tube in the mouth, she sucks on it like it's a piece of candy.
"Good," he nods. "Now moan like a wildebeest."
"What?" she asks again. "What does a wildebeest even sound like?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" he snaps. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to HELP you here. The least you could do is play along."
"FINE." Hange sighs dramatically and begins making a noise like an elephant in pain. Levi facepalms.
She stops making the agonizing sound after a while to say, "Hey, why aren't you moaning?"
He snorts. "Please. Like YOU could satisfy ME."
"Hey! I could satisfy you quite well if I wanted to!" She smiles maniacally. "You know, I've been working on a formula to heighten the human libido. I think I have a sample – hey!"
Levi puts aside the thick book he used to hit her on the head. "If you're done moaning, say my name. Loudly. Like you would in the throes of passion."
"What?" Hange says stupidly.
He rolls his eyes. "Say my name like you would if I volunteered for one of your shitty experiments."
"Oh, Levi!" she says happily. "Levi! Levi, yes! Levi, ohhhhh! Levi, you're the best!"
A girl chanting a man's name like this is usually a big turn-on, but Levi could not be more turned off right now.
"Great," he says. "Now pretend like you're exhausted and need to sleep. That'll make it look like I did a good job."
"Well, I actually am exhausted," Hange yawns loudly, and turns so that her back is facing him. "G'night, Shorty."
He's surprised. "Wait, you're actually sleeping?"
"Yep," Hange says tiredly.
"But you're naked!" he cries.
"So?"
"Petra's gonna see us!"
"So?"
"How am I supposed to get out of here?"
"I dunno."
"What about the party?"
"Zzz..."
Levi lifts the covers over his head and sighs. "Why did I think this was a good idea?"
Hange rolls over so that she's facing him. She places one arm over him in her sleep. Irritated, he pushes her around so that she's lying on her side.
"I'm going to have a really shitty time tomorrow, aren't I?" he says to himself.
"Zzz..."
He sighs again. "You're welcome."
Rolling over, he tries to fall asleep too. "That'll teach me to never drink again."