AN: Ok… no good excuse for this absence. However, I was feeling nostalgic and looked my story up. I noticed that people seem to still be reading it. Due to that fact, and because I hate it when an author of a story I start to like just stops, I will attempt yet again to finish what I started. Again… very sorry. I hope this makes up for it to some degree.

Ch. 9

I woke late the following morning. I suppose my emotional exhaustion from the previous night's confrontation with Philotas must have taken more out of me than I realized. Still, without opening my eyes to greet the sun yet, I put my arm out to touch the man in question. However, I was met only with cold bedding. Surprised, I opened my eyes to see what my arm already knew: Philotas was not in bed beside me. I scrunched my face in confusion. 'Where could he be? Was he angrier with my waning emotions than he'd let on last night? But he'd said that he was not ready to give up on me yet… and I had told him that I was not yet ready to give him up either…' Finally, my mental monologue was interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Can't seem to find your lover? What a shame. Perhaps I should warm your bed in his place." My head jerked to the door to see Cassander leaning against the threshold, smirking that diabolical smirk. My stomach flipped at the sight of him, and I tried to convince myself that it was nausea. What Philotas did not seem to realize was that I was not only hiding the truth from him, but I was also trying to desperately hide it from myself. I knew this, but wild horses dragging me through the Persian desert would not pull that truth from my lips. I refused to acknowledge it. I desired only to go back to a time before that stupid night when I had allowed myself to get lost in Cassander…. To a time I could truly believe that my body's reactions to this hateful man before me were aversion instead of attraction. At the very least, I could say with the utmost honesty that my attraction made me nauseous. So, I guess I could continue to say that Cassander made me nauseous, at least indirectly. Yet, his presence in my chamber making his usual innuendos was truly inappropriate.

"Can a man as cold you truly warm a bed?" I questioned innocently. Before I could register his actions, he had cut across the distance between the door and my bed, slid over my body, and trapped my forearms on either side of my head to the bed with his hands. His eyes bored into mine from only centimeters away. His voice was husky and low.

"We both know how well I can set your skin on fire. But, if you think it was a fluke, I'd be happy to demonstrate again." My heart was beating out of my chest to such a degree that I was certain Cassander could feel it; my skin was tingling from the millions of goose bumps. I stared back into Cassander's eyes. My mind had gone blank. I felt speechless. I could feel the heavy rise and fall of Cassander's chest as his breathing began to deepen. I can only imagine that my arousal was just as apparent. I was aware of every inch of his body which covered my own. I could feel the nerves under my skin jumping out to reach for him. I ached, and I had to give him credit… I was indeed scorching from the heat of the situation… from him. But, I could not do this. I closed my eyes.

"No," I stated as firmly as I could, given the circumstances. But I did not feel him move. Instead, I heard him speak again in that same husky voice.

"Open your eyes and tell me no." The task was simple… the execution remained elusive. I braced myself to look him in the eye. However, just as my eyes began to crack open and my mouth began to form the desired word, one of his hands released my forearm and he began to lightly and slowly scratch his way down the sensitive skin on the inside of my arm, and "no" came out sounding more like "oooo." He remained expressionless, merely kept staring into me. And, just as I was about to regain control once more, I was again thwarted as he had ducked his head and began lightly ghosting his lips across the skin on my neck. The sensation of these light touches was indescribable. All I wished to do at that moment was forget everything: who I was, who he was, our supposed hatred, Philotas, the world. I wanted to forget everything except what he was doing and could do to me. I just wanted to let go. I could feel his lips traveling along my jaw line. He was coming heart-poundingly close to my own lips. He was being so gentle… so unlike himself. It was hard to recall the brutal terror I knew that he could be. The wall between myself and my desires was crumbling, but still somewhat holding. The tip of his nose lightly grazed my cheek and his cheek softly rested against my own and his free attempted to pull me into him… almost like a hug. The subtle sweetness of the moment combined with my arousal and the wall came crashing down. My free hand went straight to his beautiful hair and pulled his lips to mine. He did not hesitate to respond. This kiss was deep, it was passionate, and I lost myself to it completely. I began to wrap my legs around his torso in order to pull his pelvis against mine. I wanted to feel his own desire. But, just as my wish was granted, he pulled away. In my confusion, he unlatched my legs from around him and moved away from where I was. I felt cold suddenly, and the disappointment was surly evident on my face. I could not voice the question on the tip of my tongue, but I did not need to. He answered without my asking, his damnable smirk back on his face.

"Not now. If you want me, you will come to me." My desire and confusion began to turn to anger. That arrogant jerk! For the second time in my life, my actions with Cassander came crashing down on me. How was it so easy for him to get under my skin like this?

"Never. I would die first." He chuckled at my response.

"You will. And that will be a very satisfying day… for you as well." My face was beginning to redden both from embarrassment as well as anger.

"Get. Out." Again he laughed. He turned to leave, but not before turning one last time at the door.

"Oh, by the way, I came to tell you that we are leaving in an hour. We travel further east. Philotas is out preparing for the trek. Though, I suppose you've forgotten that you wanted to know where he was at this point." He smirked again, knowing he was right. I'd, again, forgotten Philotas. I truly was undeserving of his adoration. And, with his damage done, Cassander finally left the room. I was left with me and my confused thoughts once again. But now was not the time for my girlish emotions. We were to leave in less than an hour and I needed to assume my role as general once more. I needed to check to make sure my men, and myself, were ready for the journey.

As quickly as I could, I dressed and packed all personal items I would require and made my way down to the stables. Once there, I took note of each of my men. I smiled at the knowledge that no one was missing, and everyone was pitching in and nearly ready to move out. My heart swelled with pride. Soon enough, each of us was ready to mount and I gave the signal to do so. As one, we swung our legs over our horses and adjusted ourselves for the long trek ahead. As an organized unit, we rode out to meet Cassander's men. I coldly greeted Cassander as a good show for our men, and Cassander merely laughed once more before we both led our groups to where the infantry was lining up. Once our troops were in line, we rode off to the front where the other commanding officers were riding at the head. Alexander noted our presence.

"Well, that's all of us then. Let's go," he said simply. With that, we started the long march.

Many days passed. The march reminded me very much of the first one. I still was forced to meet with Cassander, but I no longer went to his tent. I insisted that we meet in Alexander's. Hephaistion was less than amused with our interrupting what time he usually had with Alexander, and I felt guilty for that fact. I knew that the time when Alexander would have to take a wife was approaching quickly. And, on that day, Hephaistion's time with his true love would be even more rare and precious. However, the risk of being alone in Cassander's tent was too great. And, the added presence of Philotas in mine would only lead to fighting. Thus, this was the only solution. Luckily, Hephaistion was the forgiving sort. Other than that, nothing much happened. I enjoyed my friendship with Philotas by day, was tormented by my lack of attraction for him at night, and generally avoided Cassander unless in Alexander's tent. I had also come to assume that Cassander had been avoiding me until, on the night before we were to arrive in a village called Bactria, Philotas informed me otherwise.

I was sitting on a rock somewhat away from the camp, gazing up at the stars when I felt a presence settle next to me on the ground. I smiled, automatically knowing it was my dear Philotas. Without even looking, I reached for his willing hand, and felt content as his fingers interlaced with mine. It was a perfect moment. That is, until I turned to see the troubled look on his face as he too stared at the night sky.

"Don't tell me that you're seeing warning star signs telling us to turn back, because it's a little late for that," I teased. His face rearranged into a light smile at my joke.

"No, love. No star signs." But his face again looked troubled.

"What's wrong? You still look upset." He gave me a long look before sighing. 'This cannot be good.'

"It's Cassander-," he started, and I immediately became defensive. I gave a frustrated "ugh" while pulling my hand away.

"What do you want from me Philotas? I have not gone near him since we left except for war council. Even then, we've been meeting in Alexander's tent," I huffed. Philotas looked annoyed at my outburst.

"If you'd let me finish… it was not you to whom my distrust is aimed at." Feeling guilty for assuming, I did not know what to say. So, I said nothing. I merely nodded at him to go on. He sighed, as if letting his irritation go. He really was a good man.

"As I was saying, it's Cassander. You may be staying away from him, but I've seen him watching you. At first, I thought that I must just be paranoid. However, the more I observed it, the more convinced I am that it's not paranoia. And it's not just that. It's the way he's been looking at you… like he's expecting something. It puts me on edge… because I don't know what it is that he is waiting so patiently and attentively for." Philotas looked at me, proving that the expectant look he'd just described was apparently not just reserved for Cassander when observing me. It was apparent that he wanted to know if I knew what Cassander might be waiting before. Unfortunately, I had a sinking feeling that I did know. Traditionally, this would be the point where I would shrug and pretend I had no clue. Yet, this day, I did not truly wish to do that. I had already been so dishonest with him about so much, and he didn't deserve that. Furthermore, what Cassander was waiting for was not my fault. So, I decided to tell the truth.

"He's waiting for me to come to him," I bluntly stated. Philotas looked somewhat taken aback.

"He…what?"

"He's waiting for me to come to him," I stated again.

"What do you mean by 'come to him'?"

"He expects me to go to him and sleep with him." Philotas looked enraged.

"And how do you know this?" I sighed, thinking of the best way to put this.

"Well… he told me so. He believes that one day, soon I imagine, I will simply go to him… for satisfaction." I had not thought it possible, but Philotas looked even more enraged than before.

"How dare that sack of swine suggest that you need satisfaction elsewhere! What arrogance to think that he could offer better!" Philotas was fuming. And, I felt guilt course though me at the knowledge that I could not honestly placate him. It was true, was it not? Philotas no longer satisfied me, and Cassander could. But, I knew that I could not say that to him. Yet, I had to do something before he ran off to confront Cassander… and likely either got himself killed, learned too much, or both. So, I stood and approached where he was pacing, pulled him to me fiercely while burying my head into the crook of his neck and whispered comfortingly to him

"Please calm down. My sweet Philotas, do not listen to Cassander. He is an arrogant jerk. This should not surprise you." Well, at least all that was the truth. At my words, I could feel him relax into my embrace and put his arms around me in return. I relaxed as well. Then, Philotas tipped my chin to look me in the eyes.

"I love you," he whispered. I knew he meant it. He always did. And, as always, my heart tore in two that I again could not return his words. Instead, I reached up and pulled his lips to mine. I kissed him with all the want I wished to have for him. And he responded with all the want that he truly did have for me. It truly was a poignant and tragic moment. There was still so much about love that I did not understand. How could I adore Philotas so much and yet not feel for him what I felt for Cassander? And how could I hate Cassander so much and yet melt into him every time he touched me? It wasn't fair. The gods truly were cruel. But to whom were the crueler right now? Me or Philotas? I could feel my eyes begin to water for us both, unshed tears yearning to break free. But, I could not let him see my tears. It would give too much away. So, instead, I leaned my head on his should and surreptitiously dried my eyes on his toga. I stepped away, taking his hand as I did so.

"Come, Philotas. It has grown late. It's time for bed." Taking my words to mean something more, he grinned while raking his eyes over my form suggestively.

"Tonight, I will make you scream so loud that Cassander can hear you in his tent. Let him try to continue to believe that I don't satisfy you after that." My stomach clenched at his words. I truly hoped that he was right, but I feared that whatever screaming I did this night would be once again feigned. But, for Philotas' sake, I would try to indeed make it loud enough for Cassander to hear. Though, part of me feared what Cassander's response may be.