Chapter 10…

'Hey, Annie! I'm really sorry but I have to work late tonight and I have a meeting early in the morning so I'm staying at a hotel in Seattle. I'm really sorry! I left you some money in the kitchen, order yourself whatever you want. I'll see you tomorrow, Love you, Dad x'

I sigh as I read the message just as I'm walking into the house.

Great.

I'm completely alone.

I walk into the house kicking off my shoes before slumping on the sofa and orders a pepperoni pizza, potato wedges, a bottle of coke and garlic bread.

I don't even care, I feel like comfort eating.

Might even have ice cream for dessert, because why not right?

They tell me it'll be delivered within an hour, so I decide to grab a quick shower in an attempt to rid the day.

I sigh letting the water run over my body, simply standing under the water with my eyes closed.

Thinking.

Overthinking.

I fell for him.

In the month I've been here, despite his anger and the way he's treated me, I have feelings for him.

Feeling's I'm not sure about anymore.

I've never experienced anything like it before but I feel numb.

I feel like my heart is barely beating.

After 15 minutes of over thinking and letting the water drown away my thoughts and feelings, I climb out and gets ready for bed.

I pull on my pajamas and my fuzzy socks for comfort.

I make my way downstairs slumping onto the sofa searching through the TV channels.

I come across the notebook.

This seems fitting.

I sigh curling up into the corner of the sofa watching TV waiting for my food to arrive.

10 minutes later there's a loud bang at the door.

PIZZA!

I've never felt so excited to have pizza.

I grab the money on the counter that my Dad left me, before moving to open the door.

My heart stops.

I gasp slightly and I feel frozen in place.

Christian.

Has he been crying?

I look to his hands and they're all bloodied.

He stumbles slightly.

Shit, has he been drinking?

He looks at me and his eyes are glassy, he takes a step towards me but he stumbles backward instead.

I can't do this.

My heart starts to hurt again as I watch him.

I cross my hands over my chest. Be strong Ana, be strong.

"Ana…I…I'm…S-Sorry..." He slurs his words.

"So you keep telling me, but you never do anything to prove it," I say coldly.

"Please…f-forgive me…" He hiccups a little.

It's kind of cute.

No Ana…Don't fall for it.

"I can't do this anymore Christian…. I waited for you! I waited for you for over an hour! You didn't even have the decency to tell me you weren't coming!" I yell as I feel the tears brim in my eyes.

"I'm here now…." He looks at me, his cheeks are a stained red.

"It's a little too late…" I go to close the door but he puts his hand in the way and yelps in pain as I don't realize and pushes the door closed.

Shit.

I quickly reopen the door and he's holding his hand close to his chest and he moves to sit on the step holding his bloodied hand.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry…I didn't mean to… I…"

"I'm sitting here until you agree to talk to me," He says seriously and looks out towards the road.

I bite my lip, looking at him as he sits at my feet. He looks so lost. So broken. So childlike.

Stop it, Ana, he let you down again.

Don't fall for it.

"Come inside, let me clean up your hand…" The words are out of my mouth before I can even contemplate whether this is a good idea.

He looks up at me with a surprised expression.

Yes, I know, I'm to nice for my own good. I internally scold myself but I can't leave him out here bleeding.

He stands and I move the door open a little wider letting him walk past me and into the house.

Just as I'm about to close the door the pizza delivery guy shows up.

Great. I'm starving.

There goes my pizza and movie night.

I hand over the money thanking him with a small smile before heading back inside.

Christian stands awkwardly in the living room as I walk in.

He eyes the boxes curiously and I look away moving to put them on the coffee table.

"I haven't eaten all day… and my Dad is in Seattle, I didn't feel like cooking after the day I've had" I shrug.

"I did this to you…"

"Yes, you did". I say honestly.

He looks at me sadly, his eyes filled with pain and I can see it as clear as day.

I sigh standing and I leave the boxes there before walking to him taking his hand and looking it over.

"Let's get you cleaned up," I say as I escort him to the kitchen gently running his bloodied hand under the water.

I feel him wince at the pain and I look up at him, "Why are you here Christian?".

"I….well.." He sighs, shrugging.

Seriously? The least he could do is give me an explanation.

I dry his hand and lets him keep the towel wrapped around it.

"Well..if you don't know why you're here then you can leave whenever you're ready…"

I say moving back into the living room to my pizza.

"Ana…" He says just before I reach the living and he gently grabs my elbow.

"I can't stay away from you….I…I don't know how to cope with this..whatever this is… I…" He looks away and grinds his jaw together as if it's paining him to be this truthful with me. I look up at him sadly.

"I want to tell you everything…I was going to tell you tonight but... I couldn't. I got angry at myself and so….then this happened…" He holds his hands up gesturing to the bloodiness of them.

I remember his room being smashed up the other evening while I was there, but I thought it was better not to mention it then.

Maybe it's something he does regularly?

I look up at him and he looks away from me as if in shame.

I sigh, You can do this Ana.

"Do you want some pizza?" I say quietly, but to my surprise, he nods.

We move into the living room and we both sit on the sofa beside each other. I take a slice and starts to eat it but he doesn't. He just stares at the box as I watch his eyes turn glossy again.

Is he going to cry?

"I wanted to tell you everything…but I couldn't do it sober.. So I drank…The more I thought of what I wanted to tell you the angrier I got. I don't want you to leave me, but you will…as soon as you know you will, the angrier I got the more I drank, The more I drank, I didn't realize the time and I was late for you… I'm so so sorry…I was coming…I just…I…" He looks away.

I look at him sadly. I put my slice of pizza back into the box and puts my hand on his sadly.

"Christian… I wouldn't leave…Just tell me"

"You will Ana, I know you will…you deserve better than me"

Without even realizing it, my hand moves to his cheek and makes him look at me.

"I promise you If you tell me everything…I won't leave…I need to know Christian, I need to understand you…I can't keep going back and forth and not knowing what I've done wrong".

He stares down into my eyes before looking away, pained.

"Ana…you haven't done anything…ever…y-you…you're perfect in every way" He sighs.

I can see the hurt and anger in his eyes and it makes my heart hurt.

We sit there in silence for a moment, I watch as he stares at the pizza box.

He's thinking.

"My mom….my real Mom was a crack whore…she died of an overdose when I was 5"

Oh my gosh, …he's talking.

He's talking to me.

The start isn't good and I'm sure it doesn't get any better.

I listen to him intently, I listen to him sadly. My heart hurts for him.

I imagine a small 5-year-old Christian.

"I was there with her body for 3 days before someone called it in, that's all I know… She used to have pimps around all the time. But there was one specific one… He was angry. He drank, he abused, he smoked. He used to smoke a cigarette and when he would light it, I'd run off to find a safe place in the house, but there were no safe places... he'd always find me" He clenches his hands together tightly.

I reach over putting my hand over his and he takes it between his hands gently.

"He used to use me as an ashtray… I have burns on my chest, my back, my legs…" He looks down, "I'm sure you can put the rest together…"

I move a little closer to him.

Oh my gosh.

Christian.

"Grace was my Doctor at the hospital… she was the only person I would let touch me. I don't like people touching me…there are areas of my body…that…that burn when people touch me. I can still feel the burns." He looks back at me "I wouldn't talk to anyone, but Grace, My Mom, she was nice… She was the first person I trusted after everything, I went into foster care because that's what had to happen, but within 6 months Grace adopted me and took me home"

I gently stroke my thumb over his knuckles in the hope to soothe him.

"I was a dick to her, I still am, her, Elliot, my dad, the only person I would talk to was Mia, and to this day I have no idea why"

"You're protective of her," I say quietly and he nods in agreement.

"The older I got, the worse I got…I got into fights, I got suspended and expelled from school, I just got angrier and angrier and I hated the world….I still do…" He looks down sadly.

"A woman came along and thought she could…she could help me…"

Oh gosh no. Is this…Is this what I think it is?

I take a deep breath bracing myself.

"She showed me a way to…to relieve my anger…it helped…I started when I was 16, she was older and so experienced, She was my friend…is my friend…"

I close my eyes and my stomach clenches.

He doesn't even have to say it, I know it.

"She would introduce me to girls and women…and…" He looks away as if he's disgusted. "You're going to leave me now…"

I shake my head and I gently squeeze his hand.

"No…I made a promise I wouldn't"

He looks at me as if surprised but I can still see the glossiness of his eyes.

"Since I met you…it's all changed. I don't want any of that anymore…it doesn't help…but somehow I can't stop it. She's always there, we need each other… but…The moment I met you, you calmed something in me and you didn't even try…I didn't need to fuck you for you to help my anger, you did it with just your smile, or your laugh, the way you saw me in a way no one else did"

I scrunch my nose up at his foul words and I look away. He realizes what he's said and when he sees my face, he cups my cheek making me look back up at him.

"I didn't mean that I'm sorry…You're so innocent and naive and fuck…you're so beautiful…I want to be good for you Ana…I…I…"

I gaze up into his eyes, they're pleading with me. My heart clenches in my chest as I listen to him.

He's opened up so much to me tonight, I know it's because he's been drinking but he's told me everything. I want to keep asking questions but I don't want to push him too far. He's already let so much out.

I can't throw him out now, but I do have a lot to think about.

Can I do this?

Could I do this?

Now I know everything…

He says he can't stop with her, so where does that leave me?

Would he ever stop?

What am I supposed to think about this?

I have no idea.

My head is spinning.

"Please say something…." He looks at me worriedly and I realize I've been quiet for too long.

"I…I…thankyou for telling me…"

"Are you still mad at me?" He sounds like a hurt child. It makes me think of the 5-year-old Christian he just told me about.

"Yes…a little…but, I appreciate your honesty and for telling me everything"

He nods and looks away as if he's thinking.

"Does….Does..anyone else know about her?"

"Who?"

"Mrs. Robinson?" I try to make a joke and I actually hear him laugh.

"I'll tell her you said that she'd love it"

"Y-You're still going to see her?"

He shrugs slightly, "You don't understand…I…I can't not"

"Christian…she's basically a child abuser…you can't…"

He looks away again as if he's hurting, his jaw clenches together.

"She helped me, Ana, you have to understand that"

"I think she used you to her advantage… does your mom know?"

"My mom? Of course not! No one knows this…just you.." He looks at me worriedly, "Just you Ana".

Great.

What a secret to know.

What am I supposed to do now?

"You can't tell anyone…" He says clenching his fists.

"I won't but you need to stop it Christian… you need to…"

"I can't"

"Then… I guess you'll have to make that choice. I'll keep your secret Christian, I promise you that….but I can't be the girlfriend, not if you're going to continue whatever it is you're doing…"

"Ana…please…" He cups my cheek pleading with me. But I shake my head.

"I can't Christian…I told you before, I can't do this if there's someone else… I have dreams, I want a future…but I can't do that, I can't do this…" I gesture between us.

"I need you… I want you…I've never felt, this way, I want this, I want you"

"How much do you want it Christian? I'm here… this is your choice, but I can't keep getting hurt in the process".

He nods slightly and he rests his forehead against mine.

"What are you doing to me?" He whispers and he leans down as if he's about to kiss me but I pull back and I shake my head.

"I can't Christian… we both need to think and figure this out"

"You're not leaving?" He asks sadly.

I shake my head, "I'm not leaving…even if we just have to be friends…"

"I don't think I can just be friends with you"

That internally makes me smile. Will he change? Will he end it with her?

"Do you want to stay tonight? On the couch? I don't want you wandering around this late alone, and you've been drinking"

I'm way too nice for my own good.

"I'd like that If that's okay.."

I nod agreeing.

We sit there for a while longer and digs our way through the food. We talk about school. The future. Careers. Normal conversation.

A conversation I think was needed after everything he just told me. I can't believe it.

He didn't say her name but I know. I know It's her. He doesn't have to say her name for me to know exactly who has corrupted him.

I notice how he's sobered up a little since he first arrived.

After a while, I yawn softly and he smiles watching me.

"You're cute when you're tired," He says and I'm not sure it was even meant to come out of his mouth, but it makes me blush and I look away.

"You're so beautiful…men must have thrown themselves at you"

"Never one I've wanted" I look at him. His eyes gaze into mine and we sit there in silence for a moment but I shake my thoughts away.

"I'll uhh…I'll go and get you some blankets and a pillow"

I head upstairs and by the time I come back down, he's removed his shirt.

My mouth goes dry.

I watch his muscle move under his skin, then I notice the scars. The burn scars he spoke of.

It pains me to think of the torture he went through.

"Enjoying the view?" He smirks playfully and I look down embarrassed, I've been caught.

"Sorry…I…here you go.." I hand him everything.

"Thank you" He smiles appreciatively.

"I'll see you in the morning then…" We both nod and I make my way upstairs climbing into bed.

That night was unexpected.

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