This is a very heavy chapter. WARNING you right now that this is a suicidal themed chapter, very serious. If you are easily triggered, please skip over this. The last thing I would want to do is hurt any of my readers. Also, this is my take on his thoughts and how he is very confused.

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Severas22 - Thank you for the review and the advice! Hope you like this chapter.

I had no one. The Avengers didn't count as I had to work with them. Peggy, Bucky, the Commandos, Dr. Erskine - gone. I had already accepted that Bucky wasn't returning. I didn't care about my image anymore, Captain America didn't mean anything. It was all fake.

For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to do what was right. I guess I'm not quite sure what that is anymore. I felt hopeless, trapped, with no way out. I thought I could myself back in, follow orders, serve...it's just not the same. The only organisation I've ever worked for was responsible for Bucky's 'death'. The same one that imprisoned, tortured and dehumanised him for 70 years. Everything I had worked for in the past two years had been a lie.

As I made my way to the elevator, I thought over my past. Jumping off a plane without a parachute, taking off my mask mid-mission...part of me thought that I wanted it. That I wanted an excuse. My reckless behaviour was me tempting fate, the inevitable.

I was meant to be a strong and resilient hero, not this weak failure. I grew up poor and fragile, but that person was lost, taken over by super soldier serums and reputation. I was fighting for nothing. I had never felt so confused. Maybe that's how I ended up here.

It was cold, the concrete edge seeming equally terrifying and comforting. Part of me wanted to cry, another part wanted to scream and another wanted to stand in silence, staring out at the trees that surrounded the compound. I never let the cold in, always being able to deflect it. This time I had given in, letting it consume me in these last few moments.

I had zoned out, ignoring my surroundings as I looked down to the ground. I gasped, focusing on the concrete below me. I was very high up. Even though the serum would allow me to land safely, I knew that I would be able to strategically allow my neck to break if I landed on it correctly.

"Steve." It was Maria. She was shouting at me from across the rooftop. I heard more than one set of footsteps, more than one heartbeat, so she must have been with other people. I tried to focus my mind, but I was a wreck. Tears were pouring down my face and it wasn't the cold air surrounding me that caused me to shake. I was terrified.

"Steve, what the hell are you doing?" That was Clint's voice. Definitely Clint's. I didn't know how many people were behind me, how many people were watching, but I didn't care. I was done.

"I can't do this. I can't..." I couldn't live on pretending my life was okay, but the only thing to do was pretend. I was Captain America, the whole idea of him was fake. I hated this time zone, everything about it was different and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to go back to how it used to be and if that wasn't an option, not existing in any timeline was the only alternative.

"Yes, you can, Steve." Maria again. Listen to me, everything is going to be fi-."

"No, it's not!" I screamed, spinning around on the thin ledge of concrete that I was trying to balance on. I tensed my stomach, refusing to fully break down in front of them. I didn't want them to see me as weak, but...I was pathetic. I was a pathetic, barely human, being that didn't deserve a life. I was selfish.

"Steve…" Maria whispered softly. I hadn't noticed until now that she had broken away from the group. She was only a few metres away now, the others staying closer to the exit door. I looked at her. She was calm and calculated like always. No emotion. She knew that if I fell on my head that I could die. She knew the situation. I let my head hang as I shut my eyes, not wanting her to see how pathetic I was being.

"Look at me," she whispered. I followed her voice, like it was some kind of last hope to me, and looked up. She was worried. I had never seen that look in her eyes before. "What's making you upset? What are you feeling like this?"

I heard someone through the door but I didn't care who it was. I was focused on her. "They forget I'm human. Nothing...there's nothing here to make me happy." I felt like I was slowly being drowned into this hole, quick sand that was making it so hard to breathe. It was like the air in this time was different and I was suffocating. I needed my own time and if I couldn't have that, then I wasn't going to live like this.. What was the point of trying if I had nothing to live for?

I felt like I had been moving in slow motion. Like I had been alone and everything around me was moving so fast. "I just want to go back...to when things were normal. And there's all this pressure because everyone is hovering around me, waiting for me to do something, or say something, or flip out, or mess up, or yell, or cry some more about how upset I am for living in this time." I was speaking so fast now, my words only just comprehensible as they left my shaking lips.

"And I want to say that I'm happy to play my part, I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't...I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to be that person." I took a breath, something that I hadn't done the entire time I had been speaking. I was a performing monkey, playing a part for the crowds and the government and the agencies.

"I don't know who this person is. I'm meant to be Steve Rogers, but he's Captain America. It doesn't...I...How did this happen? How did I end up here?" I was starting to get angry now, I could feel it. The way my shoulders tended and my breathing increased and my muscles flexed. I looked at Hill angrily, searching for answers as the blood boiled in my veins.

"Why am I alone?" I shouted at her, causing her to flinch slightly, but i didn't pay attention to it. It was unfair. Why couldn't my life have been simple? "Everything I've ever cared about is gone. Ruined, dead!"

I was practically screaming, the blood boiling in my veins as the memories flooded through my head. "The commandos, Peggy, Bucky. Dead! They're all dead! I have never been more alone. I have nothing. No one! It's all gone!"

It mattered how I looked and how I acted because it mattered to them. It didn't matter to me, it mattered to them. If they didn't like me, then who would? If they didn't accept me, then who would? "You're scared," she said, like it was simple. It was anything but simple.

"I'm not," I replied, my voice gruff and deep. We both knew that I was lying to myself. I was scared, but I also knew what I wanted.

"Yes, you are. I know what you're going through." I started to get angry with her at that point. How could she understand? Everything I ever loved was taken away from me. I had nothing left, nothing to live for.

"N-no, you don't. No one...no one gets it." I groaned and ran a hand through my hair, gripping it slightly as I did. Being rough and pulling it somehow released some tension from my mind. It wouldn't stop me from doing what my mind was set on.

"I do. You have a fear...that you're going to be alone? That you're not good enough and that you have to change yourself, but you don't want to change? I know how it goes...you start believing you are a failure and that no one will accept you. You are not alone." I shook my head. Her words almost floated over me, brushing by my mind. They didn't mean anything. "You're not alone. And we...we accept you. You think you're a failure, don't you?"

I glared at her slightly, the pleading look in her eyes irritating me somewhat. "The serum worked," I spat, highlighting how that area wasn't a failure. I didn't deserve the serum in my veins. I was the failure.

"I'm not talking about the serum, I'm talking about you," she replied, her voice harsher. It was the voice you would expect from the headteacher when you had been called into their office. She was wrong, however. The serum and I were one and we were a disease. "I'm talking about the fact that you wake up every morning and you do good, you don't sit around wasting your life away, you help us. We'd be nothing without you."

"The Avengers can get a new leader," I argued, knowing that it sounded like I was making excuses, but my mind was set.. There was no reason for me to stick around.

"It's not about the Avengers, it's about you. And even if it was about them, do you ever think we'd have a better leader than you? And don't you dare nod Rogers. Don't you dare."

I could see her bottom lip tremble and couldn't decipher whether it was from emotion or the cold harsh wind blowing onto our faces. She was focused on me. I felt like prey caught by a predator. She walked a little closer and I shuffled slightly, my feet getting closer and closer to the edge of the rooftop. For some reason, the thought of falling from that height didn't scare me.

"There are some things in your life that are out of your control that you can't change and you've gotta live with that.. The choice that we have though is to give up or keep going. Are you gonna believe in yourself or in people's judgement of you?" It was a valid point, but most people aren't put under the ice for 70 years. Well...I say most people...I was the only one. Alone.

"Even when I'm off duty, I feel like they're all staring at me, waiting for me to...I don't know, I...I feel like I always need to impress people," I admitted, tears coming to my eyes as I felt my heart tense. It didn't matter that I was telling her these things. She was trying to reason, but my mind was made up. I felt like a performing monkey or something stupid, the act of Captain America that I had to put on.

"But you don't...you don't okay?" I didn't reply. I had nothing more to say. "I really need you to step away from the edge for me Steve..." I shut my eyes, begging for them to just leave me alone to do this. Wet tears fell down my cheeks, running across my face to fall on my clothes. I felt so weak and pathetic. They didn't need to see me like this. I shook my head, not wanting to step away from the ledge I was balanced on. I could very easily let myself go.

"Are you going to finish your life, here, falling off the edge of a building...or are you going to step off the ledge and finish it in battle, being strong and fighting for others, because that's what Steve Rogers would do."

I almost laughed at that, but ended up sniffling from the tears. She didn't know me at all. She didn't know who the real Steve Rogers was, nobody did. "Even though you feel like this is the end, are you not still here? You are still here. With us. With me. You don't have to do this alone."

Silence. It was silent across the rooftop, but my heart was so heavy and loud in my ears. I needed it to stop, I wanted it to stop. My whole life in the century, I had been pretending to be this heroic icon that saved the world, but it was all lies. I was a disgrace. I didn't deserve this.

"No, no, no, NO!" Pepper shouted as I let my body fall backwards, shutting my eyes as the weight felt like it was lifted off my shoulders. I thought of Peggy, the sweet red lips that I only had the fortune of kissing once. She had her life and ultimately I was glad she did. She deserved much more than my selfish heart could give her. She wouldn't have liked the person I had become.

I thought of the commandos, how I lead them to victory back in the war. They would've been ashamed of the person I was too, the Captain who could never live without a war. I would hoped to join them in heaven and beg for their forgiveness.

Lastly...I thought of him. The man that had stood by my side for years until I let him down. I could've moved quicker or put my life in more danger to save him. I wish I had died then. I wouldn't have had to live through the pain of seeing everyone that I cared about die. Bucky was the rogue, winter soldier, his assassin record built up because of me. His suffering because of me. But no more.

My eyes shot open when my entire body jolted, my body being held up by metal arms underneath my armpits. I struggled against them, trying to pry the metal away, but it was useless. I was weak. I sobbed as I pathetically struggled against the machine.

I heard some people shouting, but I blanked them out. It almost felt like my chest was ripping open as I landed onto the roof, a painful ache clasping around my throat. I felt so hopeless, like there was nothing else to live for. Why couldn't they just let me die?

"Because we need you..." someone said. I hadn't realised I had said my question out loud, but someone had obviously heard it. I think the voice was Pepper. I couldn't really tell. I was so confused, my heart and mind pulling at each other. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to sit alone and seclude myself in silence, riding myself of the rest of the world. Another part of me wanted to cry myself to exhaustion, feeling sorry for myself.

I was sobbing now, on my hands and knees. I could feel the rough concrete under my fingertips as I clenched to it, begging for this torment in my mind to stop. I didn't want to be this person anymore. I felt one hand on my shoulder and one on my back, one female and one male. The female hand on my back was more delicate, the motions of her hand going up and down in an attempt to soothe me. The mans was firmly gripped, which helped by grounding me slightly.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus, opening my eyes to see what was going on around me. Maria was the one with her hand on my back and Clint with his hand on my shoulder. Pepper was next to the iron man suit that Tony had obviously suited up in with Rhodes behind him. Wanda was at the back with Vision, worried expression on both of their faces. I stared at Maria, frowning my eyebrows as I felt confused. I don't know what about, but I did feel confused.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her, a sob coming out of me as I said it. I didn't know why I was apologising, perhaps it was because of her being out there to look after me, but I knew I was guilty about something, the feeling strong in my gut. She smiled softly at me and shook her head. I barely noticed her eyes, glazed over with tears.

"Don't worry," she replied and pulled me to her. I stayed, crying into her neck as she held me. "It's okay, it's okay..." Her whispering voice was the only thing I could hear apart from the sound of my own heavy breathing. I didn't even have any thoughts in my mind in that moment. Being saved had made me feel pathetic, but also made me think how reckless I was being. Even if I did jump off the building, S.H.I.E.L.D would most likely bring me back. I was going insane. I felt so desperate and lost, my thoughts scattered all over. I wasn't myself anymore.

I felt my body be picked up under each arm, allowing myself to be dragged across to the elevator, away from the rooftop. I didn't care about the tears falling down my face and the dishevelled way I looked. The cold wind ended and I knew from that and the muted noise around me that we were inside the elevator.

"Steve, I need you to take deep breaths for me, okay?" My mind wasn't focused, my body tired and my face limp. This time it wasn't the fact that I was breathing too fast, I was breathing to slowly. I filled my lungs, allowing my eyes to close as I did. The dizziness in my head was making me spin.

I overheard them all talking, it was the only thing I could focus in on, apart from my breathing pattern.

"His room?" Maria.

"No." Sam. "I looked in on the way up here. It's trashed."

"Mine then." Maria.

"Are you sure?" Clint. "Do you need us there?"

"No." Maria. "We'll be fine."

*ding* Elevator. I felt my heavy body dragged out by Sam and Maria, my vision becoming a little clearer as my tears began to subside. I mumbled to them; "Just...leave me..."

I helped them as they dragged me, my feet finding some stability on the floor. "No chance, Rogers. Let us help you." I didn't bother putting up a fight, following their lead as the took me towards Maria's room. I shut my eyes and instantly regretted it. Flashes of Bucky falling from the train shot through my head. His scream echoed in my ears and I tried so desperately to block it out. My heart panged with guilt and I tugged against the people that were holding me, wanting to get back up to the roof.

"It's okay, buddy, just stay with us." For a second, I thought it was Bucky's voice, the memory in my head merging with the present. I shook my head and came to the realisation that it was actually Sam talking to me. I sobbed at the thought of him not being here, the people holding me slowly placing me down on a soft material. A hand still remained on my shoulder as I shut my eyes, hands going out to grip the mattress I had been positioned to sit on.

"Steve?" I heard Sam ask. I looked at him, slightly crouched in front of me so we were at eye level. "What's going on, man?" I stared into his eyes, seeing the worry there. I had made him feel that way. Unnecessary pain. I felt guilt run through my chest and let whispered apologies escape my lips.

"Don't apologise, Steve. I just want to understand..." I heard running water in the distance, most likely coming from the kitchen of the apartment. It wasn't my apartment. It smelled different. It was actually a relief not to be in my own apartment, surrounded by all the things that made the person I pretended to be.

"I...d-don't want to get hurt..." I told him, only explaining a small portion of the problem with the statement. I didn't want to get hurt, not wanting to let anyone in. "I have...a habit of losing th-the people closest to me." I took a deep breath, trying to calm to pain that was tightening in my chest. "'Losing' is too nice of a word," I added, shaking my head.

I felt Sam squeeze my shoulder again as I shut my eyes tightly, relieving some of the pressure in my chest. "We are never going to hurt you and..." I opening my eyes, watching as he smiled sadly at me. I could see his eyes brimming with tears, thinking about the set of demons that he carried.

"The people you think you've lost are right here," he explained, pressing a finger to my chest. It caught my attention as he pulled his hand away, placing it back onto my shoulder. "Grief...is really just love." He took a shaky breath and continued. "It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that...unspent love gathers in the corners of you eyes, the lump in your, and in that hallow part of your chest," he said, tapping back to the place on my chest. "Grief is just love with no place to go."

His words were the first thing that actually seemed to make sense for a long time. It was just a build up of love that was stuck and I couldn't expel it. His words brought me a little bit of comfort, something that I hadn't had in a long time. I small smile brushed across my lips, staring at him as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

I took in a sharp breath and shook his head, our eyes locked in what felt like equal fear. "I can't..." He bit his lip and looked down to the ground. He breathed in, composing himself to finish his sentence. "I can't lose another partner, Steve." I knew that he was trying to make me feel better, and he had with what he had said about grief, but now I felt guilty for trying to jump. I'd never want to make anyone else feel pain.

"Sam..." Maria said, her voice carrying a small amount of warning to it. I saw her, focusing my gaze on her as Sam stood up, his hand slipping from my shoulder. and went to speak with her. They were talking in hushed tones, just quiet enough so that my hearing couldn't pick up on them. I felt my heartbeat slow slightly, my body slowly returning to how it would usually be.

Sam walked over to me and I noticed the way his hand reached out slightly before he glued it back to his side. "Are you okay to stay with Maria?" I looked to Maria who had moved since I had last seen her. I saw a figure in the dark of the kitchen and assumed it was her. I looked back at Sam.

Maria was simple. She was calculated and unemotive, probably something that I needed. She knew what would be best for me and would make the best decision to help me recover from what had happened. I felt stupid and ashamed, but I had the feeling that she wouldn't judge me for any of it.

I nodded and watched as Sam's lips curved into a small smile before nodding. "Goodnight, Steve," he said, hesitating to leave for a second as he moved away. He sighed reluctantly and headed for the door, sparing a glance at Maria as he did. I heard the door shut and the world drifted into an odd silence. It was just Maria and I.

I looked around the room I was in. The walls were void of paintings, the floor clear of any rubbish or clothing. There were a few small details - there was a photo frame sitting next to her bed or Clint, Natasha, Fury, Coulson and herself. There were a few smaller ones but I couldn't recognise what they were.

"Steve," Maria said, pulling me from my observations. She looked different, her hair tied up into a messy bun. She was wearing pyjama shorts and a vest top. I frowned, not actually remembering what she had looked like on the rooftop. I noticed a blue, shiny material on one of the living room chairs and guessed that it was the gown she had worn. My frown deepened as I remembered that I had ruined everyone's night.

"Is the party going ahead?" I asked, my frown disappearing as I looked at her with curiosity. She looked at me, one eyebrow raised with concern.

"That's the first thing you're going to say?" I nodded and she sighed, putting her hands on her hips. "I think after tonight's events, everybody is going to sleep."

I gritted my teeth a little, angry at myself for ruining what was meant to be a perfect evening. Why did I always have to ruin everything? "Let's not focus on that though..." she said, sounding a little less irritated than before, and sat down next to me on the bed. I looked at her, watching as she folded her legs beneath her. "Do you want to talk about it or sleep?"

Her offer was simple. One choice or the other, but the question felt much more complicated than that. Do I take the easy way or the hard way? I knew I was going to have to talk about it at some point, whether it be Maria, Natasha, Sam or a shrink. I decided to get it all out in one instead.

"I'll talk."

Even though suicide is a very serious topic, I think it effects people in different ways. In this, I hope to highlight how Steve didn't actually want to kill himself, but how he is confused in this era and has been neglected in his adaptation to a different time. From this point forward, Steve will get better, don't worry. It's going to be about how he gets out of this depressive side to him.

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Dear readers,

I feel so loved by all of you that follow me and be aware that this isn't me saying I'm never writing again, don't worry. This is an apology. Recently, not going to lie here, I have been through a ridiculous amount of shit, including moving into University on my own and coping with being away from my ill mother. I'm constantly worried about her. I promise that I am going to try and update more often.

Posting a chapter on here is a really accomplishing feeling and knowing that people read it is amazing. If you don't review already, please review because it gives me so much motivation to keep writing. Thank you to all 18 of you, because you keep me going at times when I can't keep myself going. Fanfiction is honestly such a big part of my life, so thank you so much for reading my romantic tales that are 100% not realistic, but are 100% enjoyable...hopefully anyway :)

Today, tell someone that you love them, whether it be a family member, a friend or the person you've had a crush on for the past three years (like any of us would have the balls to do that). LOVE YOU ALL!

abstract0118 - (This is a little secret by the way...my real name is Lucy!)

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