Chapter Ten

Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts.

Zeke hadn't been expecting her, precisely as she'd expected.

She'd watched his eyes rake her over time and time again when she went to the library. And again when she'd interrupted his conference with Annie and Father.

And she knew then that her theory was correct, that she could get what she wanted.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, nervously wiping his palms on his trousers.

Saskia stepped into the evening light. Sunset glittered around her, daylight dying as she was dying. "I'm afraid for my sister."

"You don't sound it." Zeke eyed her suspiciously.

"Why show what you're feeling?"

"Did your father teach you that?" Zeke sat on the grass and motioned for Saskia to join him.

"He didn't have to." Father had beat the shit out of her every time she cried, especially over Mother. Saskia knew from early on that withdrawal was the best shield.

Zeke's eyes filled with venom. "Bastard."

"Now –" Saskia had always found speaking in general difficult, especially above a whisper. "Now you know why – I can't lose Annie."

"We all have to surrender something," Zeke replied. "How else can we end this?"

Saskia shook her head. This was on her. She should have gathered more from history, figured out how to save the world. It was her fault.

"But Annie is strong. She's not your weakling father. I have faith in her." Zeke gripped her hands, and Saskia's lips parted in surprise.

"She'll find the Coordinate and return, even if she's the only one," Zeke assured her.

Lies, probably, but they sounded pretty, Saskia reflected.

"Ah – are you jealous? Of her freedom? Moving away from that vermin? You could always move closer to town. Stay closer to your work."

"Closer to you, you mean." Saskia looked down at the grass.

"Have I been that obvious?" Zeke laughed. Merriment was always his defense.

"Quite." Saskia couldn't meet his eyes, but she could run a hand down his arm, onto his thigh.

Zeke inhaled. "Saskia – are you – are you saying you want this?"

She nodded. She had to. She wanted to. For Annie.

Then Zeke was leading her inside, and they were sharing a meal together. He asked her questioned, and she always answered.

Then he kissed her. "I've wanted to do this for so long," he groaned.

Saskia intensified her kiss. Make him yours. She had to, to keep Annie safe.

He carried her over to his bed and fell on top of her. Saskia's heart pounded. Even though she wanted this – the control if not him – she had never been with a man before, and her only education had in fact come from the library. She'd taught Annie rudimentary facts only three weeks ago.

But he wasn't moving fast, and her heartbeat slowed. This was up to her.

Her fingers ran through his hair, down his back, under his pants.

Zeke responded by moving her dress up, and suddenly Saskia was scared, but also curious and those chemicals called hormones felt rather pleasant. She didn't want to stop.

Saskia awoke the next morning to self-loathing stronger than any titan. She felt only mildly sore, but emotionally ruined. If she survived, there was no guarantee she could keep up their affair, or that Dad wouldn't find out. He would kill her.

Zeke brushed her hair away from her face. "You're awake."

She rolled over to face him. "Are you happy?"

"Yes," he said with a smile. "Are you?"

"Yes."

"No, you're not." He sat up, terrified that he had hurt her, ruined his chances with her forever. "Is it your father?"

She nodded.

"I'll protect you. There's no need to return." Zeke cupped her face in his hands. "This can be your home now – if you'll have me."

"I would like that," she said seriously. This serious, mysterious woman whose brilliant mind rivaled his own. He loved her.

"I hate waiting," grumbled Ymir.

"I shouldn't even be here!" squeaked Hitch.
"Well, you are, and I'll take the blame for it." Ymir cocked her head. "Say, when have the police ever cared about shirking duties anyways?"

"Since I'm already in trouble with Zackly," hissed Hitch. "What if he kicks me out and sends me to Garrison?"

"Oh, please, you'd be better for it," Ymir shot back.

The doors swung open to reveal a resplendent room Hitch had only seen in her imagination. A sniffling man dressed in ridiculous black robes held up a hand towards a rather despondent queen atop a golden throne. "If anyone can help, we believe you can."

Historia nodded, despite the panic in her eyes.

"What gives?" Ymir dragged Hitch into the cavernous room.

Historia glanced up. "Oh, Ymir – that was Judge Sturm, whose daughter is missing."

"What did he want?"

"More news; what else?" Historia wiped her eyes. "There's no news from the police on the case, though. I don't understand how people can just vanish, even inside the walls. It's so sad."

"The missing nobles case?" Hitch leant forward. "Your Majesty, my friend Boris was part of the team investigating that. I heard they found Lionel Vicar's body by the entrance to the underground two days ago."

Historia clapped a hand over her mouth. "That can't be – he can't be dead – why hasn't anyone been informed – oh no!"

"Military Police," Ymir said with a shrug.

"Hey!" Hitch scowled at Ymir. "Someone is dead; you should at least show you care!"

"Ymir is rudest when she cares the most," Historia said.

"Oh…I see." Like she had perfected flirtation as her only defense. Hitch crossed her arms.

"Has this Boris told his superiors?"

"Well, of course. I think the superiors on the case found him, or that's what he implied. He never takes credit, even when he should." Hitch sighed. She would have. She really was the worst of the 104th. "They should have reported to Zackly and the family."

"Well, they didn't from what I know. Are there really that many distractions in the Capital?" Historia wondered if she should call Judge Sturm back, but she didn't have the heart. It would only worry him more. But… "I don't know who you are, but can you … can you send word to the Vicar family?"

"Of course." Hitch brightened at a direct order from the queen.

"There's another reason she's here," Ymir added.

"Oh?"

"I'm Hitch Dreyse; you may have heard of me before…"

"Yes, I have!" exclaimed Historia, surprising Hitch.

"Commander Zackly knows about Annie. That the Survey Corps freed her. He questioned me – and – and I told him – because I was scared," Hitch confessed tearfully.

"So you helped them?" Historia queried.

"Well, yes, of course." Hitch's lip trembled. "Marlowe was my partner…he left the Police to join your Corp and died. I had to help."

Ymir softened. "I'm sorry."

Historia came down from her throne and embraced the crying girl. "I'm so sorry, Hitch."

The queen was sweet. How could nobles actually be kind? Hitch hugged her back.

"Darius Zackly is onto the Survey Corps' actions. That's not inherently suspicious, and really it even makes sense, but with his behavior towards Bertl, I really think he's the one who sent the attackers," said Ymir.

Historia frowned. "We don't know that yet."

"I know, I know." Ymir pointed at Hitch. "But I think she can help us. Ears in the Police would be a huge asset."

"Can you?" Historia turned to Hitch.

She nodded. Her, personally assisting the queen? And for a good cause? Geez, this was a dream. "Yes. Yes, I will…but who are these attackers, and who is Bertl?"

"Oh, dear." Ymir sighed. "Historia, you're nicer. Want to explain?"

"So, you see, it's really complicated and we can't blame them fully." When Historia finished, to her surprise, Hitch was nodding, deep in thought.

She's not angry? Historia wondered. Well, of course not. Hitch hadn't seen the fall of Maria or ventured outside the walls. Ymir had brought her here, and Annie had been her roommate. How could she hate Bertolt for his titan horror?

"If you really wanted to catch Zackly, or whomever, shouldn't you give them what they want?" asked Hitch suddenly.

"What?" Historia frowned.

"Bring Bertolt or Annie into the Interior. Pretend they're your allies, or maybe manipulate them until they are," Hitch said. "And leave them 'vulnerable' to whomever would want to kidnap them."

"Which would be everyone if they found out," Historia said worriedly.

"No, but you'd only tell the superiors. Dok and Zackly – they're the only ones who probably know, right?" Hitch's eyes gleamed.

"I think," said Ymir. "That is our best idea."

Hitch jumped up and down at the praise. "Fantastic! Write a letter right away, Your Highness!"

Saskia awoke with a shudder. Were nightmares contagious? Had she ever cared for Zeke, or had she merely convinced herself she had?

Guilt tumbled through her stomach. She'd betrayed her spouse, something she'd never forgiven their father for.

"What's wrong?" Annie asked. She was finally allowed to sleep in a room instead of a cell, although her wrist was manacled to Saskia.

"Just…thinking," Saskia said, rubbing her temples.

"You don't know if you can do this," Annie surmised.

"Something like that." Saskia gave her sister a tepid half-smile.

"I've failed to become a warrior. I don't have an option," Annie said. "I don't think you do, either."

"I had a choice, to help at Shinagashina or not. I didn't choose anything I knew."

"I chose to save Sasha when we attacked Trost. I chose to keep Armin alive when I killed everyone else I came across," Annie said. "I don't mind making that decision again."

"Who is this Armin?" Saskia turned to her sister. "Eren and Mikasa's childhood friend, highly intelligent – yes, I've heard all that. But why did you keep him alive?"

"I don't know," Annie confessed, tears in her eyes. "But he's the only person who ever called me 'nice.' He's a fool, because he's the kind one, but he told me I was nice. Even when he led me into a trap, my one consolation was that I could be a good – helpful – person to him."

"He's the reason you were caught?" Saskia asked, a storm on her face. Emotions came easier around Annie.

"He was loyal to his side." Annie shrugged. "It hurts. It still hurts. But I want to see him again, Saskia."

"Is this love?" Saskia frowned.

"I don't know what love is."

"Maybe it's hoping you'll see someone again," Saskia suggested, squeezing Annie's hand. "I'll help you see him again, Annie."

"You'll help save the lives of everyone in here. I see the way you look at Erwin and Mikasa. You care about their lives, more than a Warrior should," Annie said.

Saskia felt nauseated at Erwin's name. "Yes."

Annie had noticed more, far more, but now was not the time. "The meeting begins soon. Although – afterwards –"

"Hmm?"

"I need to talk to Bertolt. He's glad to be caught, Saskia. He's not a villain." Annie laughed, recalling how many times she had called Bertolt and Reiner villains and fools, to Saskia, to her father, to herself. But villainy – maybe no one was.

Armin awoke smothered in exhaustion. Where was he? And why did he feel despair?

"Already?" He heard Reiner's voice rise outside.

He's back. Armin was grateful for at least one semi-ally.

"Are you still not committed, Reiner?" Zeke said lazily.

Armin gasped. The serum!

He stared at his hands. He was human again. Why were they clean when there should be blood all over them?

No, no, no. It wasn't my fault. Armin didn't care. It's my fault for being weak!

Tears leaked out his eyes. He hated himself. If he had the strength – he would kill himself right here and now. He'd fight Zeke until the War Chief had no choice but to kill him. Why hadn't he done that before?

I was weak. Armin choked back a sob. But I'm strong enough to die.

Zeke stepped into the room. "I'm pleased you're awake."

The boy was crying. Zeke hated tears, as if he never cried himself every night the memories haunted his dreams. "Reiner. Explain to him. He was your comrade, correct? Now he will be again."

As the Chief swept out, Reiner gaped after him. "Armin…"

"Shut up," Armin squeaked. "Don't even look at me – I'm a monster –"

"Now you understand?" Reiner said furiously. "Now, do you believe me? There's no hope when you're a titan."

"Kill me now, or I'll force you to kill me," Armin pled.

"You haven't done anything," Reiner hissed. "You're a victim in this."

"I ate someone! I must have." Armin felt like he couldn't breath. Good.

And he meant that – he truly didn't want to stay alive, and that scared him even more.

"Yes, his name was James and he was Marcel's father," Reiner said. "Marcel's entire family were shifters. If it makes you…feel better, James was an ass."

"It doesn't," Armin said.

Reiner wanted to scream, to shake Armin out of his misery, to kill the Beast Titan, to take back everything he'd ever done.

"What's he planning? If I'm a conscious titan, I still won't hurt my friends," Armin insisted.

"I know," Reiner said, a lump in his throat. His life was so unfair. Armin's, and his own.

"Help me," Armin pled. "What is he planning?" He might as well know before he killed himself.

Reiner looked away.

"Reiner."

"He hasn't shared much with me."

"You know something."

Fuck it. Reiner wanted redemption. He couldn't resist giving in. "Likely he wants to see you fight Eren. Killing Grisha's son, his true son, would satisfy him. And he'll tell you he'll kill your friends anyways, but slowly and torturously. So you'll obey, and it'll destroy you."

Armin's first response was panic. His second was confusion. "No, Zeke is smart."

"What do you mean?"

"Killing Eren wouldn't be satisfying," Armin explained. "Turning Eren to his side would."

He's not going to kill me at all. He's going to make Eren think I'm a Warrior now.

He should live – but no, he'd already committed to death.

"Please untie my hands," Armin said dully.

"You're joking, right?"

"Reiner!" Armin peered at him. "Grant me this, at least."

The eerie calm in Armin's voice chilled Reiner. "No. Armin."

Armin looked away, but he was weeping again.

"No." Reiner stepped forward and sat besides him. "No. You're too valuable for that."

"That's why I want to die!" Armin yelled.

"No, not to Zeke. As a person. You're a good person, Armin."

"I don't believe in good people," he moaned.

"I do. I'm bad. You're good." Reiner blinked back tears as he drew his friend into an embrace. "I'll help you. I'll stay with you all night if I have to. The world would be much, much worse without you in it."

"Thank you all for coming," Erwin said as soon as Squad Levi, Hange Zoe, Saskia and Annie were present.

Eren, the last to enter, closed the door and hurriedly took a seat next to Mikasa.

Sasha exchanged a smirk with Connie. Now Eren was the one hanging onto Mikasa.

"We have two letters, one from the queen, one from our enemy." Erwin placed the papers on the table.

"Historia?" Eren narrowed his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"The letter arrived an hour ago, sent by an overnight messenger," Hange answered. "They have a suspect for the attempted kidnapping and want to create a trap."

"A trap?" Jean's eyes lit up.

"Which suspect?" Mikasa turned towards Erwin.

"Isn't it obvious?" Sasha's intuition had told her the answer long ago. "Not many people knew about Bertolt."

Mikasa's eyes lowered. "I know."

She'd just, just wanted better for humanity. She hadn't expected better, but she'd wanted it.

"Who?" Eren asked.

Levi sighed. "Only Historia, Ymir, the Survey Corp, Dok and Zackly knew."

"Dok? Let me guess, he wanted to dissect him." Eren scowled. Not even Bertolt deserved that.

"Actually, Historia mentions Zackly. But her proof is nonexistent. Hence, the trap, which would work for either," said Erwin.

"What do you think, Commander?" Hange rested her chin on her elbows.

"I think a trap is a good idea," said Erwin. He couldn't comment further.

Dok used to be his friend. Marie's husband was cruel, but not a traitor.

And Darius…the man who'd appointed him Commander, the man he admired. Was anyone true? Was anyone pure?

"So, they want Bertolt? That sounds like a terrible idea. We should send someone in disguise."

"Who's tall enough?" Annie retorted. Bertolt is glad to be caught. There's hope for him.

"Annie is right." Erwin sighed. "But we cannot trust him. That's why someone of nearly equal value will be sent."

Saskia stared at the table, her worst fear realized.

Annie blanched. "Me? You think you can trust me?"

"Eh, if we have your sister, you won't fight too much, will you? Besides, you know I'd love to kill you should you rebel," Levi said lackadaisically.

"You talk tough, but you wouldn't," Annie shot back.

"If I had to, I would."

"That I believe," she acquiesced. "Fine."

Saskia didn't dare lift her eyes. Annie had to return as bait? No, no, no.

"Levi, you'll accompany Annie to the capital."

"Wait – wait – wait – what about Armin?" Eren protested. "We don't have much time!"

"Lucky for us," said Erwin calmly, "Levi is not Humanity's Sole Strongest."

"Oh." Mikasa paled under his stern gaze. Then she saw Levi's almost fatherly smile, and resolve blossomed within her. The Ackermans would not be stopped. "Yes, sir."

"So The Special Operations Squad will be split?" Levi asked.

"Yes." Erwin scanned the table. "We must decide who goes to the capital, and who rescues Armin Arlert. I won't leave our soldier to die, and we can't let many know about this rescue mission, or Commander Zackly would stop us for certain. Saskia, you and Bertolt will have to accompany us to keep up the ruse. I believe we can trust you, at least?"

Saskia's heart skipped. "Yes."

"She doesn't know how to use 3D gear at all," Jean pointed out.

"We have a week. Mikasa and Levi, you can teach her the basics." Erwin looked at Saskia. "You understand venturing outside, with only a week of training, gives you the lowest possible chance of survival."

"I don't care about that," Saskia replied.

Concern flickered across Hange's face. "I'll need to visit the Capital for chemicals necessary to synthesize the serum, anyways."

"Yes, and we need Jean's connection to the Military Police again."

"Yes, sir." Jean cleared his throat.

"You'll need a shifter in case Bertolt escapes," Eren prattled.

"Your titan can't do jack shit against the Colossal Titan," Jean said.

"Actually, Eren, we know Zeke wants you. That can never be allowed. You'll be accompanying Levi, Jean, and Annie to the capital."

"What?" Eren shrieked.

Jean had to confess, he derived mild satisfaction by Eren's horror.

"My mom –" Connie began.

"You'll be there when we heal her," Hange assured him. "But for now, you and Sasha are not needed in the Capital."

"I – suppose…" Connie felt like fighting, but their decision did make sense.

"No, no, no!" Eren ranted. "I should be there – to – Armin's my best friend –"

"He's my best friend, too," Mikasa said impatiently.

"But this is suicide!"

"No, this is smart," Annie said from across the table.

"For once, I agree with Annie."

"I don't!"

"Eren," Erwin said loudly.

Eren froze. A tear trickled down his face. "C-commander."

"We understand this is difficult for you, brat, but you're here to follow orders." Levi's feet were now on the table, and he made a distinctive kicking motion. "Got it?"

Mikasa planned on a stern chat with Levi later, but she was immensely relieved when Eren sullenly replied, "Yes, sir."

"Hey."

Bertolt glanced up in surprise. He'd expected to see Eren, or perhaps Levi, or anyone besides Annie Leonhart.

In the distance, Jean scowled at them. He was rather eager for a reason to avenge Marco while on guard duty.

"G – glad you're free," he stammered.

"None of us are free," she said. "Bertolt, you're even glad you're not free."

"What?"

"I saw your face," she snapped, kicking the iron bars. "You didn't want to be free."

"It's easier, isn't it?" Bertolt cried. Coward.

Annie's eyes flashed. "Maybe. I don't know. I prefer it to working for Zeke, though."

Bertolt gasped. "You can't say that!"

"I can."

He doubled over. "Annie, please don't join this race."

"I always was. You know that," she said. "The King would have killed my parents if they hadn't fled. And all they did was discuss rebellion."

And she was about to carry her own rebellion through, against the son of their benefactor outside the walls.

Bertolt wiped his eyes. "I never cared about that."

"Why?"

"Be – because you were so smart, and strong, and pretty." He drew in a ragged breath. "I always knew that everyone within the walls couldn't be defiled, because you were perfect."

Annie's stonehearted expression began to crack. How did Saskia do it? "Bertolt – Bertl – I'm not the one you love."

Her hand slipped through the bars and gripped his. "Look at me, Bertolt."

His eyes were red as blood. "I don't love anyone, then."

"Reiner may disagree."

Bertolt's mouth dropped. "It's not like that – wait – have you come down here only to accuse me of loving Reiner?"

"No. To ask why you would rather stay captive than be free." Annie sat back on her heels. "Sure, it's easier. But you also simply don't want to kill your friends."

"I killed Armin. Or tried to. I even tried to speed it up, so he wouldn't suffer." Bertolt hiccupped. "Annie, would you – would you be talking to me if he didn't live?"

"I don't know," she admitted.

See, he was evil and twisted and rancid. He wished he were dead.

"I suppose that's fair." Bertolt drew his arms tighter around his legs, wishing he could make himself as tiny and vulnerable as he felt.

"I think there's a way to save more friends," she said.

"No matter what I do, I fail."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I'd rather do nothing."

"Well, I wouldn't," Annie said impatiently. "So I'll choose for you."

Bertolt's heart rate eased. He was truly pathetic.

"You're helping your friends and saying 'fuck Zeke.'"

When Annie left, she paused in front of Jean. His hand was still by his blade.

"I don't like seeing you free," he growled.

"I'm sorry."

"Then why did you do it?" he burst out.

"He…found out who Reiner was," Annie said, tearing up. "By the time I came, Reiner had him pinned down."

"And Bertolt?" Jean's eyes slid over to the quiet boy. At least he was sitting up rather than huddled into a ball this time.

"He stood there. I'm the one who took Marco's gear, not Bertolt," Annie insisted.

"Then you threw him to a titan?"

"No!" Bertolt exclaimed, unable to stay silent.

"No," Annie confirmed. "We left him for one."

"Oh, what a difference!" Jean snarled.

"There isn't. We're all guilty!" She stepped closer to him, close enough that Jean drew his blades. "We can't be forgiven…Marco."

Then she drifted away, like a ghost.

"Wait!" Jean shrieked. "Come back! I need to know – his last words! He was Marco!"

Annie stopped at the head of the stairs. "I don't remember."

"How?! He was our comrade!"

"I wish I did," she forced herself to say. And she meant it. Meant it so much, she felt scared to say it.

"He told us to wait." Bertolt spoke up again.

Jean noticed his glazed countenance, as if he were reliving it. Now he wanted to dive into Bertolt's mind, to relive it, too. I found the truth, buddy. You didn't die in vain.

"He said 'Wait. We haven't finished yet. Talking.'"

Similar words he'd just conveyed to Annie. Jean clutched his face, begging the tears to release, but they wouldn't. I'm not this coldhearted.

"Stop." Annie's hand pulled his nails away from his cheek.

Blood? I drew my own blood?

"It's okay not to cry. Saskia doesn't." Annie shook her head. "But it's not okay to hurt yourself. Give yourself some grace, dammit, because at least you're not a murderer. You deserve it. Give yourself grace for those of us who can't." Her voice eased. "Anyhow, how will you live for Marco if you hurt yourself?"

"Stargazing again?"

Saskia was sprawled across the grass, as she had been the night before this adventure began. She even suffered the same foreboding – Ymir was all that was missing.

She was glad there was no captive nearby. Glad Ymir was free. And excited by the man looking down at her.

"I know all the constellations," she said. "I would recite them every time my father and mother fought, whether I could sneak outside or cower inside."

She hesitated. "I would pretend I was lost but happy, flying free amongst the stars. Like they were all I needed."

Why was it easier to speak of her parents than her dreams?

"Hmm." Erwin sat beside her.

Saskia sat up, startled.

"I didn't mean to trouble you."

"No, you didn't really," she assured him. The stars soothed her, when all she wanted was to cry for Annie. They gave her beauty she'd never see otherwise. "I found you staring at the stars before. Why?"

Erwin pulled up blades of grass with his hand. "Because they remind me that there is a beauty and vastness to this world, far beyond our understanding. That is almost comforting."

"Like you don't have to know everything," Saskia interpreted.

"Yes, I suppose so," Erwin mused. "And the mere idea that there is so much more to discover, to learn – perhaps, one day, I can find out some sliver of the truth."

"But you wouldn't be satisfied with a sliver," Saskia challenged.

The corners of Erwin's mouth turned up. "No, I wouldn't. I want the whole truth."

"I do, too."

He looked at her. Colorless in the starlight, and yet her soul seemed so vibrant. "That was your duty, wasn't it?"

"To know everything," Saskia said, her eyes clouding over. "I found that the more we knew, the less we did. We thought killing you all was right. Because of the First King. Because of your hampered memories, your inability to learn." Her breath caught. "And then I saw your faces and your depth and your humanity, and you weren't so different. We were repeating history to bring about a new history…I don't believe that any longer."

She wrung her hands. "It was a terrible thing to believe, I know. But I did, and it was my comfort, really. Now it's gone. I could go back, but I couldn't…fully believe it. I'm frightened. Being more knowledgeable…has not made us better people after all."

"I admire your courage, to change sides."

Saskia leant closer, peered into his eyes. "Really?"

"Yes," he said honestly. "You were wrong, and you're changing. Your sister is, too, and who knows?" Erwin tossed the grass blades into the breeze. "Maybe the Colossal Titan will change, too. People change. And that is good."

"You're not half as guilty as you condemn yourself," Saskia said.

"Neither are you." Erwin touched the stump on his shoulder. "And your sister was a child when she helped lead titans into Wall Maria. If she is guilty, I am guilty of my father's death."

"I don't agree," Saskia replied, removing his hand from the missing arm. "Annie should never have had to commit the crime she did, and I will defend her to the death. But you committed no crime. And you don't need an arm to heal whole."

"I don't think there's time for healing in the life of a soldier."

"We'll make time," Saskia encouraged.

"You're quite the optimist, you know that?" Erwin was eerily reminded of merry Marie. But Saskia was also haunted by her past, deeply scarred like him. How had she gained such a perspective? The world needed more humans like her.

She seemed genuinely shocked. "I – I never was."

"Maybe you never had the chance," Erwin speculated.

"That could be." Saskia loved it. This word optimist. She wasn't, but oh, how she wanted to be. "You should try it."

"I would fear losing more lives. Maybe…when this is over." For the first time, Erwin dared to hope for a life after the Survey Corp. He wasn't sure how he would live without a purpose, what he could do. After all, he hadn't even made it to the basement, and in good moments, he could accept that.

But maybe, life could be good, and he could accept himself.

Saskia drew back, but, in the next moment –

she could not ascertain what came over her –

but she pressed her lips against Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Survey Corps.

Completely stunned, Erwin didn't know what to do. Feelings bubbles up inside him, feelings he hadn't expressed since those nights with Marie. But his lips responded for him, returning her kiss.

Both of them pulled back, gaping at the other in the starlight.

"I – I don't know – I'm sorry," Saskia said. Erwin Smith was not Zeke. She could not seduce him, and she didn't want to.

Erwin was smiling, though too shy – yes, shy – to meet her eyes. He could die at any time – but she knew that. Saskia knew his position, and seemed to accept him. How could this woman actually exist? "I'm not."

Saskia laughed nervously. She shouldn't – she was technically married, even if separated and on opposing sides of a war.

But she cared for this man. He'd changed her world even while dying on a battlefield. She was no stranger to fictional romantic clichés, but with him, the world really did seem brighter.

She didn't know if this was okay. But she did know that this world – and herself – were better with Erwin Smith.

To the Guest(s) who left reviews: Thank you so much! Saskia is a tricky character to write - since she likes to keep her mind as blank as possible, I didn't think she would realistically let us see much of her past until now. I plan one exploring her and Zeke's relationship quite a bit in upcoming chapters, though. :)