Robin stared in awe at the intimidating white building standing in front of her.
"You know what? I changed my mind. Let's go play LazerTag." Robin turned on her heel and tried to escape, but Barney snatched her sleeve and tugged her back.
"No way. You can't just build this up and run away. Come on, Sherbatsky, be brave. I'll be there the whole time; I won't let the scary samples people get you." He smiled reassuringly and dragged her towards the door cheerily. "Operation 'Let's Go to the Mall' is officially in business."
Robin rolled her eyes, but her mind was wondering what sample people could do.
"Ladies first," Barney said, holding the heavy, transparent door open for her and watching her expectantly. She took a deep, bracing breath and stepped into the mall.
A blast of cold air hit her; she had forgotten how heavily air-conditioned these places were. A baby was crying in the distance and she could already smell the Wetzel's Pretzels.
"See? That wasn't so bad," Barney said happily. "We're in."
"Good. Okay, we can go now. I think the Lusty Leopard is having twins day today!" Robin grabbed him by his tie and attempted to yank him back towards the exit.
"Whoa, not so fast. We haven't even done anything yet! To conquer your fear you're going to have to expose yourself to the entire mall, including the seedy underbelly."
Robin groaned. Perhaps this hadn't been such a great idea.
"But, uh, Lusty Leopard later?" Robin laughed and slapped Barney playfully on the arm as he looked at her hopefully.
"Why not? I'm going to need to relax after this."
"Relax! That's perfect! Come on!"
Barney dashed off leaving a confused Robin to chase after him.
"Wait! What are you doing?"
Barney turned back and grabbed her hand to pull her along with him. They must look like idiots, sprinting through the mall, him dragging her, but she didn't really care because he had really large, cool hands.
They reached the escalator and Robin froze, nearly causing Barney to topple over from momentum.
"Uh, what?" he asked once he regained his balance.
"I don't do escalators," she said, refusing to look at it.
"Well, I don't think anyone does escalators. I've done it on an escalator once, but the logistics of actually-"
Robin giggled, but still wouldn't move. "No, I'm serious."
"Why? They're just stairs that move."
"Yeah, stairs that move and can suck you into their evil grasp and you'll have to get your foot cut off or something and then you can never ever walk again."
Barney tried to suppress a laugh and looked at her quizzically.
"I, uh, saw someone get stuck in an escalator once. It was right in the middle of a show, and I was singing the chorus and this girl started screaming and they had to call 911 and get paramedics and it was really gross."
"You guys have 911 in that godforsaken place?"
She punched him in the shoulder.
"Ow! Geez. Fine, then I guess we could take the elevator, it's just on the other end of the mall, and why are you shaking your head at me?"
"No. No elevators. They can crash and kill your robot."
Poor Barney looked like he was about to have an aneurysm from trying to stifle his laughter.
"Yeah, yeah, just let it out."
Barney burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, and even Robin had to join in a bit. "I know it's crazy, I just can't do it."
"I-yeah-no…problem," he wheezed in between snorts.
As she waited for him to regain his composure she observed the people going up and down the escalator, clearly not understanding the risks involved. Idiots. She wanted to warn them, but she figured Barney would probably die of lack of oxygen if she did.
"But you've ridden elevators plenty of times at the apartment," he managed, once he finally could look her in the eye again.
"Yeah, because those aren't mall elevators. Trust me, everything is more evil at the mall."
This sent Barney into a relapse of laughing and once again, Robin waited it out.
"All right, so how are we going to get downstairs?"
"Well, aren't there stairs somewhere?"
"Where do you think we are? The 1950's?"
"Ugh. Fine, then I guess we'll just have to leave."
"Nope. Oh! I have an idea."
Barney knelt down in front of her, his back facing her.
"Um, what are you doing?"
"Piggy back ride. That way you won't have to get on the evil contraption of death."
"What? I am not getting a piggy back ride! I'm a grown woman."
"Please. You told a nine year old to suck your dick last week at the LazerTag place. You're hardly the poster girl for maturity. Now mount up!"
Robin giggled and looked around. They were starting to attract people's attention. She slowly put her arms around his neck and positioned her legs in front of him. With one swift motion he stood up and she was clutching onto him for dear life, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist.
"Now be careful!" she said as he approached the escalator.
"Careful is my middle name, Sherbatsky. Prepare yourself to conquer your fear, sort of."
Now people were definitely staring. And pointing. And laughing. And Robin didn't care because now he was gripping her legs to keep her in place.
Slowly, Barney stepped on to the escalator. Robin closed her eyes in fear and Barney gently hiked her up on his back to make sure she didn't fall.
"No worries, Sherbatsky, you know I'm not gonna let it hurt you," he said in a slightly mocking tone, but it was still reassuring.
"Of course you won't, because you know I'd kick your ass if you did," she responded much more confidently than she felt.
"Please like I'm scared of you and your Canadianness. All I'd have to do is turn off the lights and you'd run screaming."
Robin laughed. "Well I could always sick a Grizzly on you and see how you take it. I'm guessing you'd wet your pants."
"How dare you, madam!" he exclaimed. Robin hesitantly opened her eyes only to see they were now on solid ground and walking.
"Hey! We're off!"
"Yup. It's a pretty short ride."
"Oh." Robin suddenly felt very self-conscious with her legs wrapped directly over his groin. "Um, should I maybe?" she started.
"Oh, yeah!" Barney muttered and almost reluctantly knelt down for her to dismount. "See? You're just facing your fears all over today."
"Or you're facing them for me," she said with a smile. "So that was actually a really short ride, wasn't it?" she asked pointedly.
"Yup. They all are."
"So how'd you do it on an escalator if it's like, a twelve second ride."
A slight blush crept up on his cheeks but he answered with his bravado firmly in place. "We were running up the down escalator as we went. It was quite the workout. Plus it was a longer one."
"Right…"
"Oh look! We're here."
In the excitement of making it down the escalator Robin had completely forgotten that they had started out with a destination.
"Uh, Barney, it's just a bunch of chairs."
"No, it's just a bunch of lounge chairs. Come on, sit down."
Robin just stared at them warily. "What if someone just left them here?"
"Robin, I think you would notice if you were suddenly not carrying a giant, fifty pound chair, don't you? They're left out by the stores," he said as he sat down in one and gestured for her to do the same.
"That's dumb. What if someone steals them?"
"Who is going to try and leave the mall dragging a chair behind them? Would you just sit down?"
Robin slowly sat in the chair adjacent to his and leaned back.
"Good. Now you see the slots? You pay and you get a massage."
"Five bucks for three minutes? Are you kidding? What a rip-off! I'm not wasting my money on this." Robin crossed her arms and pouted.
"Oh come on, it feels great." She glanced over and saw Barney's chair moving behind him, gently massaging his back. "You wanna share?" he asked when he saw her staring.
Robin couldn't quite tell if he was joking or not so she rolled her eyes and gave in to peer pressure. As she put five of her hard-earned, unemployed dollars in the machine Barney smiled triumphantly.
"You're going to enjoy this whether you like it or not, Sherbatsky."
Robin leaned back only to have her back pounded unceremoniously. "Ow! Dude, this hurts!" she exclaimed and glared at him accusingly.
"Huh, you must have yours on a different setting," he mused as the chair practically bounced Robin from its seat. Everything was more evil at the mall. Even chairs.
"Oh, this is making me nauseous," she moaned as it jiggled her entire body. "How much longer?"
"About two and a half minutes," he said serenely.
"I hate you. Malls hate me, don't you see?"
"Shh, Robin, I'm trying to relax here."
The back of the chair hit her head so hard she was pretty sure she had a concussion, which she would later blame for this reaction.
Without thinking she jumped out of her chair and plopped herself right on top of Barney.
"Oof. Well, this chair just got a little bit better."
"Scoot over," she said, but hoped he wouldn't. Sitting on top of him was actually rather comfortable. Or at the very least, more so than sitting on her traitorous chair. Unfortunately Barney heeded her request and moved so she had just enough room to squeeze beside him.
"Ah, see that's better," she said as she leaned back in the chair.
"Oops, guess it's over."
"What?" she asked, but Barney was already standing up and leaving her alone in the chair.
"So what now?" Barney asked, trying to fix his suit and suspiciously not meeting her eyes.
"Well, now that we've seen the best the mall has to offer according to you, I guess we can finally leave!"
"You do remember that this was your idea, right? And I didn't say this was the best the mall had to offer. Far from it. I just thought you should be relaxed before the rest of the jam-packed day of excitement! Now come on!"
Barney was moving again and Robin was on his heels.
"Where are we going?"
"I'm gonna find us a Sharper Image store. Bet you I can buy you a new robot! And then we can try to get it squashed by the elevator. You know, for old-times sake."
Robin laughed. "It would be rather cathartic."
"Totally."
Barney rounded the corner and found himself facing a large Macy's. He cussed.
"Don't they have those mall maps around here somewhere?" Robin asked, glancing around.
Barney whipped around on his heel and shot her a scandalized look. "A map? We do not need directions in a mall, Sherbatsky. It's practically your home! Oh! I have an idea!"
He came up behind her and put his hand over her eyes, completely blocking her vision.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Relax," he said as he began twirling her in place, keeping her eyes covered as she went. He stopped her mid spin and said, "All right, now smell, Sherbatsky. Search for the scent of Sharper Image."
"I'm not a dog you moron," she said, yanking herself out of his grasp and stumbling a few steps. When she regained her balance she caught a glimpse of the store standing in front of her.
"What the hell is this?" she asked, staring bemusedly at the giant smiling bear watching her from the window.
"Huh? Oh, it's a Build-A-Bear," Barney answered distractedly.
"Build-A-Bear? Jesus, I remember when bears were supposed to be scary."
"Yeah, I bet you do, Canada. Now I know it was on this floor somewhere and-hey, Robin, what are you doing?"
But Robin was already entering the disturbing store. This time it was Barney's turn to follow her.
"Oh my God. It's all so…cute!" she said disgustedly, glaring at the happy bears and bunnies surrounding her, all fuzzy and cheerful. "This is some sort of cult, right?"
Barney laughed. "Have you never been inside a Build-A-Bear?"
"We didn't have these things in Canada."
"Yet another example of your inferior lifestyle. So? Do you want one?"
"What?" she practically shrieked. "Why would I want one of these things watching me all the time? They're so…wholesome!"
"We can dress it up all slutty."
"Yeah, okay." Robin dashed towards the huge rack of potential bears. "Hey, why are these guys all flat?" she asked, surprising herself with the slight worry in her tone.
"Um, it's called Build-A-Bear. You have to build them. You know, put in their stuffing and stuff."
"We get to stuff them? Cool! Can we make them really fat?"
"Excuse me, do you two need any help?"
Barney and Robin both jumped at the sound of an intruding voice and turned to see a slightly apprehensive clerk eyeing them.
"No, we're good," Barney answered.
"Are you shopping for a kid?" the employee asked.
"No." Robin glared at the nosy guy and he backed off. "I wonder if he's going to call security on us," she muttered to a giggling Barney. She smiled conspiratorially at him. "Okay, I choose this one," she said, pulling out a gray, spotted bear from the bottom of the pile. "Now what?"
"Now you'll give it to us to stuff," the employee, whose nametag read Joey, said, once again intruding in the conversation.
"I thought you said we get to stuff it?" she asked Barney.
"We can stuff it. The kids aren't allowed to, but we can." Barney walked towards the machine.
"Excuse me, only employees are allowed to use that," Joey said, but Barney was already positioning the bear down and gesturing for Robin to take control.
"So I just press this button?" she questioned.
"Well, yes, but please don't!" Joey said desperately. Neither of them heeded his pleas and Robin hit the button and held it. The bear slowly ballooned up and Robin giggled excitedly. This was actually kind of cool.
"More, more!" Barney chanted, holding the bear.
"No, please stop, it's going to explode," begged Joey.
"These can explode? Cool!"
"Look, it's seams are starting to split. Dude, this thing is going to be fat."
"We could start a Biggest Loser for stuffed animals."
"We'll make millions."
Finally Robin let go. "No exploding?" Barney asked, slightly disappointed.
"Maybe next time," she responded, and it actually didn't feel like a lie. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket but ignored it. Marshall had promised to text periodically to make sure everything was going all right, but she wasn't in the mood for interruptions.
"I think we're holding up the line," Barney said, waving behind him at the petrified looking young girl and her mother standing behind them. The girl was clutching her own bear, horrified at the obese, distorted bear that they had created.
"Well it's time to get this sucker dressed, isn't it?" Robin strutted off, leaving poor, confused Joey in her wake and found the clothing section.
She grabbed an orange and black, tacky swimsuit and attempted to pull it over her bear's head. "It won't go," she complained.
"I think our poor bear might be too fat for clothes," Barney said, chortling. "Hang on, let me try. He pulled a bright pink shirt out and yanked it over her bear's head. As he did so Robin found a jean skirt from the pile and worked from the bottom to pull it up. With one final tug, him down and her up, the clothes finally made it on.
The shirt managed to reach just about halfway down its stomach whereas the skirt just came to the top of its legs.
"Well, you wanted it slutty," Barney said cheerily.
"Are you kidding? It's perfect. So is it done?"
"Not yet. You still have to name it."
"Oh. How about Fattie?"
"Too easy. How about Jesus?"
"Too creepy. Swarley?"
"Robin Sparkles?"
"Swarley Sparkles?"
"Perfect."
They walked over to the cash register and Robin plopped her bear on the counter. "We're done," she declared.
"All right," said the pretty, young employee. "Will you be paying in cash or credit, handsome?" she asked, directing her attention towards Barney.
The change in his demeanor was automatic. His giggling, enthusiastic face was replaced by a smooth, unfazed mask. His warm eyes darkened slightly and he leaned on the counter.
"Credit, please," he said calmly. "So, where are you from, Cindy?" he asked reading her nametag and giving her his undivided attention. 'Cindy' blushed and answered in her chipper voice.
Robin watched in disgust, clutching her bear awkwardly, as Barney flirted with this idiot right in front of her. She wasn't even all that pretty. If he was making the moves on, like, Naomi Campbell, that would be one thing, but this was just some dumb chick with badly dyed blonde hair wearing way too much eye makeup.
"I think it's time to go," she said, interrupting their 'intimate conversation'.
"Hang on," Barney said to her, without even bothering to turn away from his latest conquest. Robin couldn't even explain to herself why this was making her so angry; she didn't mind him flirting with a bunch of other chicks at the bar. Or she did, but not this much. She had even encouraged him sometimes.
This, though, this was supposed to be their time. This was supposed to be private and exciting, and he wasn't supposed to be looking at other girls while she was there, showing him so much of herself.
"No, we're going now," she said forcefully, grabbing a fistful of his jacket and yanking him unceremoniously out the door.
"Ow, Sherbatsky, what the hell?" he exclaimed, rubbing his shoulder where she had pulled him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt your public dry-humping there?" she shouted angrily, unable to control herself.
"What are you talking about? We were just talking! Plus there was a counter in between us so dry-humping, or any type of humping at all would be rather difficult…"
He wasn't even taking this seriously. He could see how angry she was and he just didn't care. She felt like hitting him.
So she did. Repeatedly. Any where she could reach, especially with the bear. The thing actually was coming in handy.
"What the hell? What is your problem?"
"My problem is you're an insensitive jackass. I mean I was standing right there!"
"So what?" he retorted, defending himself from the onslaught of attacks. "We were just talking! Plus it's not like we were on a date or anything. Jesus."
Robin froze, mid swing. "Right. No. Of course not. I was just- I just didn't like her. Sorry."
She turned away from him abruptly and wondered why her eyes were stinging. She knew they weren't on a date. No, it was just friends, hanging out. That had been very clear. And yet, there was a churning in her stomach and her face was burning and she felt like hurling herself onto an escalator and just see what happened.
"Robin?" Barney asked, a little more gently.
"Yeah? So what's next?" she asked, in a falsely cheery voice. It was fake, he must know it was fake, but he let her get away with it.
"Well we could go to the food court…" he ventured softly, examining her for some kind of clue to what she was feeling. She wished Marshall was there, he'd know how to make Barney understand. He was good at talking about things.
"Sounds good! I'm starving. And I think little Swarley Sparkles is too."
She wasn't.
xxxXXXxxx
Hours later and Robin and Barney had nearly exhausted every store in the mall. Robin had shoved her discomfort to the bottom of her stomach and tried to enjoy the rest of the day. Luckily, given her company, that wasn't too hard.
They had finally located Sharper Image (despite the fact that Robin couldn't smell it), but unfortunately couldn't find a suitable robot to squish but vowed to look again; they had gone into every department store and found a couple of cute outfits for Swarley in the petite section; they had seen the jewelry stores, the computer stores and all the random stands.
Now, according to Barney, there was just one more thing to do.
"Are we almost there? My feet are killing me."
"Almost, Sherbatsky. You've been a great sport, but there is still one last thing you need to do to prove you have officially defeated Robin Sparkles." He stopped walking and turned to face her, blocking her view. "The final test is behind me. Can you do it?"
"I can," she said, in a mock serious tone.
Barney stepped aside to reveal…
"No, Barney, no. I'll get sick. I swear to God, I'll throw up. You can't make me!" she pleaded desperately.
"Come on, it's just one Wetzel's Pretzel! You can do it. I'll even pay."
Barney moved to get in line and Robin stood back, holding Swarley to her chest. It had been over a decade since she had eaten one of those pretzels but she could still taste the salt in her mouth. She took a deep breath, bracing herself.
"Nice bear."
Robin jumped and glanced up to meet the eyes of a handsome man eyeing her bear. Or eyeing what her bear happened to be covering at the moment.
"Thanks," she said, stealing a look at Barney who was still in line.
"Who's it for?"
"Oh, um, I got it for-" It was the moment of truth. All she had to do was blow him off and go home and her plan will have gone off without a hitch. And yet, all she could think about was Cindy, and Barney leaning in towards her, without even caring that she was watching.
"I got it for my brother over there. He's mentally retarded and I took him to the mall for the day to get him off my mother's hands."
Wow, he really was rubbing off on her. Marshall was going to be pissed.
"Wow, that's really sweet. I actually got one for my daughter," he said, pulling his own bear out from his bag.
"Oh, are you married?"
"Divorced. My wife and I-" But Robin wasn't listening anymore. Barney had paid for her pretzel and he was about to come back and she had to act fast and that stupid Cindy slut was racing through her mind and she leaned in and grabbed Divorce Man's face and kissed him passionately. Or at least as passionately as she could while holding a stuffed bear.
"What the hell?" came an angry, shocked voice from her left.
"Oh, hi, I'm Rick," said Divorce Man, loudly and slowly when he spotted Barney and stuck his hand out to shake with a disconcertingly kind smile planted firmly in place.
"Robin, what the hell are you doing?" Barney asked, his blue eyes showing worlds of hurt.
"We were just kissing," Robin said rudely.
"I need to talk to you. Now." With that he grabbed her by the hand and tried to pull her away.
"Excuse me, Nick," she said sweetly.
"Uh, Rick," he responded, looking absolutely bewildered.
Barney let go of her when they reached a deserted hallway leading to the bathroom.
"What the hell was that?" he hissed.
"What? We were just kissing. And it's not like we were on a date or anything," Robin said vindictively.
"Is that what this is about? God I told you me and that girl were just talking. I wasn't making out in the middle of a mall with someone whose name I didn't even know!"
"Not tonight anyway," she sneered back.
"What the hell is wrong with you? What are you, jealous?"
Robin laughed too loudly. "Please, jealous of what? You and your stupid one-night stands? Yeah right. You're just pissed because I'm doing what you always do. What, I can't have fun just because I'm a girl?" she yelled, sure she wasn't making any sense but just trying to bait him anyway.
"No you can't do it because-"
"Because what?"
"Because-" He was towering over her, his blue eyes dark with anger, or sadness, or fear, or maybe all three. His brow was furrowed and the corners of his eyes were crinkling slightly and they were practically nose to nose, screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and suddenly, without thinking, they both moved forward and their mouths connected.
It wasn't a normal kiss. It wasn't like with Ted, when it was all about yearning, and longing. And it wasn't like the last time they had done this, where it was about comfort and friendship. No, this time it was about passion, and fury, and pent-up desperation.
One of his hands ran through her hair, making goosebumps stand up on her skin as their tongues danced desperately in each other's mouths. The other well-practiced hand made its way down her back and under her skirt. She pushed him back into a wall and started fiddling with his belt. She yanked his pants down and he hoisted her up by her legs so she was level with his groin and pulled her panties down her thighs and entered her.
He thrust hard and she pushed down with equal force, moaning in satisfaction. Her head fell onto his shoulder as he pushed against her and began kissing his neck, up to his ear. His hands caressed her breasts, surprisingly gently compared to the rest of the encounter.
Her body moved up and down rhythmically, her legs wrapped around his thighs to keep her position and she had never had sex this powerful before. They were both intent on having control and just when she thought she couldn't take it for even one moment longer and was about to beg for release…she came.
Her body sagged against his, exhausted and she disentangled herself from her lover to find her footing. Refusing to leave his touch she kissed all parts of his exposed chest where she had apparently ripped his shirt and kept her arms wrapped firmly around his waist. He moaned in satisfaction and she smiled, pleased with herself.
Just then it sunk in. She, Robin Sherbatsky, had just had incredibly hot, passionate sex with Barney Stinson where anyone could have seen her.
Marshall was going to kill her.
And then it didn't matter because he was bending down and sucking her nipples and they were doing it again, and she was moaning with passion, with lust, and with just a tinge of love.
Maybe malls weren't so bad after all.