"I look huge!" I exclaimed. I was around seven months, and I looked like I was carrying a five year old, not a baby! My stomach was it's own continent. Hearing Jace say that I looked beautiful despite my swollen abdomen only nauseated me about how many times I've heard him say that. Of course he would say that. Who in their right mind would say something disrespectful to a pregnant woman?
"Clary, you look amazing as always!" Jace argued. I rolled my eyes and stormed off into my room. I guess I should say our room because there wasn't a day that Jace didn't lay down with me at night and wake up with me the morning that followed. I couldn't complain, because his warm arms wrapped around me helped me sleep; even though he did mumble a little in his sleep. I tore open my door and ran over to the mirror, where I peeled off my shirt. My stomach was so large! How could such a petite woman such as myself look so huge when pregnant? Maybe because Sebastian was so tall? Nonsense, I'm pretty sure Mom would have told me that she was as large as me right now when she was carrying Jonathan. By the angel; Isabelle wasn't even this large when she was carrying Olivia, and her and Simon are fairly tall people. I gazed at my stomach in disbelief, until the sound of the door slowly opening disrupted my confusion.
I turned my head and saw an angel; Jace. I snapped my head back to the mirror and continued gazing at my enlarged abdomen. "Clary?" Jace asked cautiously. I didn't respond to his words. "Clarissa." Jace said in a stern voice. This had gotten my attention; he never called me Clarissa. I turned to him once again, this time with a raised brow. Seeing as that was my response, he continued. "Clary, I want you to know that in all honesty, you look absolutely breath taking. That fact that you are bringing life into this world only makes you seem more beautiful to me." He said with certainty. His words made my jaw drop.
"Why do you say stuff like that Jace?" I asked him. I pulled down my shirt in embarrassment. He was so kind to me. Sometimes I thought it was because he had an ulterior motive. He seemed taken aback as to why I would ask such a ridiculous question.
"Was it not clear?" He said, as if I could read his mind. I shook my head and continued to look at him in a perplex expression. He frowned at my movement, and his brows furrowed in thought. He seemed tongue tied. I watch as his face turned to frustration, disbelief, and finally bravery; as he took a deep breath he let out his thoughts. "For my motives not being clear, I am sorry. When I say what I'm about to say, I don't want you to think I am only showing you kindness for that reason only." I nodded at his words as he took another deep breath, gathering courage. "While my feelings for you are still protective, it is not only security that I want to give you, but affection. As much as I keep denying it, I love you; and I feel as if I will never love anyone else so long as my heart remains beating inside my chest."He spoke with dignity. His words had left my skin flushing crimson. Deep down I had known that the feelings Jace had carried for me still remained, but I thought that with me being pregnant with Sebastian's child, would sever those feelings. I was wrong.
"Jace, I didn't know you felt that way, and even if I did, I wouldn't know that your feelings for me were so-so strong." I gasped. His eyes shifted to his feet; his fingers were tapping away at his thigh, as if he was playing the piano. Regret coursed through my veins as I saw his hurt expression.
"I see." He mumbled as he struggled to regain his confident composure. I could see the hope fading from his eyes. His eyes that were once full of adoration when he looked at me were now full of sadness. Full of longing. So badly did I want to go over and kiss away his hurt; but it would feel like betrayal to love someone while I was carrying my dead husband's baby. I knew that Sebastian would want me to move on, but that didn't ease my distraught feelings. I was torn between the love that I wanted to feel again so badly, and the remembrance of Sebastian. It all felt to soon. Even though I was starting to regain my life, the wounds of my broken heart still remained. My foot inched towards him, but the rest of my body protested it's movement. I wanted to scream out for him. To tell him that my feelings for him were hidden, not dead. I felt like I was watching him die in front of me. His fragile self disappearing before my eyes as the wounds of rejection shielded him. No; I wasn't going to lose him again. I agonizingly walked towards him; each step drawing a shaky breath into my lungs. What was I doing? He looked at me as if what he was seeing was an apparition. As if all this wound fade away like a dream.
I was face to face with him now. My breath was rapid and rough as I held up my hand and ran it up his clothed chest. His breathing was erratic as I did this. His eyes fluttered closed, his golden lashes cascading shadows across his cheekbones. The voice in my head that told me that what I was doing was wrong after the death of my beloved was growing louder. My hands cupped the back of his neck, trying to bring his head down to mine. He willingly did so, and soon we were sharing the same breath. I could feel the warmth escaping his body, showering me in his radiant presence. Jace didn't dare move an inch, fearing that I would realize the tragedy of this all and run away. I couldn't though; no matter how loud my thoughts were. It was all longing that powered my movements.
My lips brushed against his cheek, the smoothness of his shaved face feeling soft against them. Warm breath was spread across his skin as I continued my journey down to his lips. My mouth grazed the corner of his full lips; leaving me wanting more. I slid my lips over his; a small amount of space separating what would have been a kiss. His breath was warm and inviting, urging me to go on. All the pain that I had felt after Sebastian dying was distant as I focused on this moment.
Ever so slowly, I pressed my lips against his, feeling him gasp. My eyes slowly closed; desire leaving me blind with passion. I could feel Jace's hands at my hips, pulling me closer to his. As sweet as we both wanted the kiss to be, it soon grew passionate and our lips were crushed against each other, despite my protruding stomach. My hands combed through Jace's golden hair as I pressed him to me. The lack of oxygen didn't seem to deter me as I continued to shower him with affection. To show him just how badly I needed him.
A soft groan was made against my mouth, pushing me in further search for more. My tongue delved deep between his soft lips as I searched for his. Our tongues were intermingling as the kiss deepened. It was becoming apparent at the sudden stiffness that resided between Jace's legs. That only seemed to encourage me to further my desire's. I gasped into his mouth as I felt Jace's hands against the exposed skin of my back. I shuddered against him, telling him to continue.
At an agonizingly slow pace, we made our way back to the bed that he made ours. Soon, I could feel the familiar cotton under me as I was laid down on the mattress. Warm tears licked down my face as it had been so long since I felt such strong passion for someone. Jace's mouth separated from mine as he kissed them away. It became known to me that he hadn't been with a woman in a little more than two years compared to my three months. It made me feel special, despite the used feeling I carried the first time he kissed me. If all he wanted from me was sex, he wouldn't have taken his time with me; he would instead have thrown me on the bed and taken me there.
My hands wandered to the hem of his shirt, peeling away the thin fabric. He gasped as the cool air of the room kissed his skin. When I could not pull his shirt up any higher, he gladly through it over his head. The need for him that I had felt was intensified. I wanted to beg him to not be so careful with me. To tell him that I wouldn't break at his touch. I would more or less break without it. I groaned in irritation, pulling away from his mouth. Jace's expression was filled with confusion as I sat up. I shook my head at him and pulled up my shirt, showing him that I wanted him just as badly as he wanted me.
In that moment, I no longer felt embarrassingly aware of my enlarged abdomen. The desire in his eyes told me that the only thing that mattered was me, no matter how large I had gotten. I hurriedly slid the tights that had once encased my legs off my pale skin and tossed them to the floor. Jace did the same with his pants, leaving us both in our underwear. Soon enough, that wasn't a barrier between us as they too joined our other layers of clothing on the carpet. Jace held back on me, looking at me with uncertainty.
"Clary, if you're not sure about this, we can wait." He spoke with the utmost understanding of someone beyond his age. I matched his cool gaze, holding back my touch.
"Jace, I want this. By the angel I want this so badly, but only if you'll have me." I said with certainty that surprised me as the words left my lips. With confirmation, Jace presumed his hands on me, and straddled me. The sudden connection of our bodies made me gasp with desire I hadn't experienced in the months since Sebastian's passing. For so long I had felt that I would never feel this way for anyone again. That I wouldn't want to feel this way again; yet I found myself moaning at the intensity of passion that was beginning to rise. His movements were steady and smooth, despite my need to go faster. His grunts were animalistic as he continued his movements. A thin layer of sweat had coated the both of us, making us shine in the moonlight that crept through my window. I found my arms clawing at his, the passion that had been building up was now pushing me off the edge that remained me patient. My movements were now quick and sloppy; counteracting his loving slowness. My muscles tightened at the impact of pure bliss that I crashed after being pushed off the edge. The sounds that I had been suppressing were now escaping my lips as I clung to him; fearing my dream would end. I was plunged into feelings of passion so beautiful it hurt. I closed my eyes and bright colors burst out from the darkness of my encased vision. I could feel Jace's connection with me become tense and erratic, his emotions mimicking mine. We writhed together in the blazing feelings that we shared, shuddering as we detached from each other. He rolled off to my side, speechless. I joined him in his silence, fearing that any word that I spoke would send him running. As my breathing steadied, I could hear the distant sound of crickets outside.
"No words can describe how beautiful that was." Jace spoke breathlessly. I could feel a smile creep up my face, realizing he wasn't going to abandon me. I turned my towards him, and he the same. I gazed into his golden eyes as I tried to think of words I could say to match his. Instead I reached out and caressed his smooth jaw, keeping eye contact with him. He held my hand against his face affectionately. The words I had been trying to think up before resurfaced.
"Jace, when you told me that you, that you loved me; it scared me. All these months I felt that without Sebastian, I would never love another man again; but I was wrong. As I look at you now, it is love I gaze at you with. When you kissed me the first time, I pushed you away because I thought that you were just using me because I was the only girl in your grasp. I know now that this is not true. I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain when I was with Sebastian. I should have explained to you why I felt so distant with you. I realize now, that when I was with Sebastian, my heart was split down the middle. I loved you both equally. At the time I didn't believe that my heart could carry so much love for two separate people, but it did; and it still does." I admitted. I didn't want him to think that just because Sebastian was gone, that I had forgotten about him entirely.
"Clary I wouldn't ask you to deny the love you still feel for Sebastian. He was your husband and no one, not even me, can replace him. I have loved you since the moment you spat words of criticism at me. I still do; and I always will. The fact that you feel the same way makes me happy beyond words." He spoke. Hearing his words of understanding made me press my lips to his.
And in this small contact, I gave to him my love.