Hello my lovelies! Like always I'm so glad you're here reading this as I post chapters. I re-read the book series and rewatched both movies ( not a fan of the creative liberties taken in those) I tried to inspire myself to write some more of what I had stenciled out. In the scene where Tobias and Eric throw knives at Tris I just adored their chemistry. Morbid creepy assholes who can only get away with what they are doing because they are so badass. I have plans to incorporate some more Eric and Tobias scenes. I have a need for their dynamic. There is so much story left to tell! Special thanks to Storylover00 for that awesome comment! I'm so happy to hear you got drawn into the story like that! I hope I can keep you interested!

There are voices near by but I cant get back to them. I know they are important that they are talking to me but I cant open my eyes. What are the saying? I swim through a dark heavy sludge the color of an oil slick. It's so dark as to be black but with the slightest twinges of blue and green flit past my vision as I spiral through it in a dizzying corkscrew. It pulls on my limbs and fills my mouth and throat. I feel it in my ears and I want to claw at it I want to get it out of me but it's too deep and I can't make my arms move. Then air rushes into my lungs like a seal has been broken and my eyes shoot open.

"I swear to god if she dies on my training mats I'm throwing you into the chasm."

"Wouldn't be the first time you used the chasm to do your dirty work would it Eric?"

"Are we really going to start that again. Does it seem like the time for this?"

I throw my body forward I can still feel the sludge in my throat and my ears I gasp for more air. No amount of oxygen will satisfy the fire of panic in my mind. My hands scramble pushing at the remnants of the sludge I can feel on my skin. I have to move.

"Fuck ,Nix don't get up."

I hear Eric's plea but I can't stop myself from moving as the adrenaline courses through me. I'm on my feet pacing back and forth and clutching myself tightly as I try to make sense of what just happened to me. I lock eyes with Tobias and I can see that Eric's nickname for me was not lost on him, he answers the question I didn't need to ask.

"4 minutes, twice as long as before."

Four minutes. I was helpless, unconscious, useless for four minutes and I don't know why. A sound of disbelief coming from Eric helps me keep my attention on the two other people in the room though all I want to do is scream and cry and demand answers from someone, anyone.

"Last time? This has happened before?"

I ignore him and so does Tobias. The idea of explaining something I can't even wrap my mind around is daunting and overwhelming. I try to push my hair behind my ear and feel something warm and sticky. Bringing back my hand I see exactly what I feared. Blood. I wipe at both of my ears and find more blood. My breathing becomes more shallow and I start to feel light headed. Why is this happening? I feel like I'm being poisoned as desperation sinks its teeth into me.

"Tobias?"

If I wasn't so panicked about the possibility that my brain was leaking out of my ears I might have been embarrassed by how small I sounded calling to him. Eric is shirtless and I can't remember why. He stares at my mouth hanging open but stunned silent as Tobias walks to me. He stills my hands that are clawing at my ears and neck. I'm about to ask him if I'm dieing but Eric's voice cuts into this moment again forcing us to acknowledge him.

"She knows you'r fucking name? She's been here less than a week and you told her that?"

"I didn't tell her anything Eric. Shut up."

Tobias has a hand on either of my shoulders and his eyes mirror the panic I feel. My skin vibrates like the march of a million tiny ants and I shove his hands away afraid that if he keeps looking at me like that I won't be able to hold the tears in. There is dampness in my eyes already and It will over power me If I don't look away from him.

"If one of you doesn't start explaining this right now.."

Tobias cuts off Eric turning on him furiously and jabbing a finger into his chest.

"What do you even care you sadistic bastard?"

"Do I have to remind you who you are talking to Tobias"

The low growl of Eric's voice cracks the dam and they both start yelling over each other. My mind spins only able to pick out a snippets in this uneasy state. 'Don't use that name.' 'I'm your leader.' 'You know nothing.' I watch them pushing into each others chest and I know they are going to have it out right here if I don't do something. They would beat each other bloody and the desperation from before doubles when I realize how alone I'd be in this if they were both incapacitated by their stupid rivalry.

"STOP!"

I can't take them arguing the pain in my head is too much even without the added volume. I can't tell if the broken nose or the episode I had is to blame and I accept that it's probably both compounding into one super headache. My fists are clenched at my sides and I grit my teeth against the burst of flames yelling caused behind my eyes.

"Eric this happened yesterday, same time. I didn't go to lunch because I had already gotten in trouble that day and I felt like I needed to work harder. Tobias wanted to talk to me about how I knew his name and what that name means which is a long and irrelevant story. I was reading something he handed me and I just started having these flashbacks or hallucinations or visions I don't know. I kept seeing this man. Then I opened my eyes and Tobias was freaking out and I was bleeding from my nose. Everyone was coming back from lunch so he knocked me out and took me to the infirmary."

Eric and Tobias had maintained aggressive eye contact throughout my little speech both of them refusing to back down. Eric's bare chest and Tobias's black clad one heave with restrained anger. They are about the same height Eric is bulkier but they are the most even match I've ever seen. They stand their like day and night and I see the power that lies in their strong bodies and sharp eyes.

"You fucking punched her in the face? I knew something was up with that bullshit story you told me and when I went to check the camera footage it was just missing."

"Eric I've got this under control. What does it matter to you anyway?"

"What does it matter to me? How about Max is pissed about how poorly last years initiate training went and I'm supposed to be keeping this year eventless. How about she's my initiate too and you fucking knocked her out to save face. You call that under control? You have a tendency to fuck people up when they figure out your name. I remember vividly just how under control you were then. Maybe you just wanted to keep her quiet. You're deleting security footage I should have your job you slimy little fuck."

"Stop fucking bickering! Tobias, Eric knows now that some weird shit is going on and he wouldn't be a very good leader if he just looked the other way so you need to deal. Eric he didn't knock me out to scare me and you can't fire him for this he is just trying to figure this out without letting the whole world know that I have some fucking issues okay. I would appreciate the same discretion from you especially when I don't even know what the hell is going on with me, If I'm dying or losing my mind or what."

Once I say the word dieing out loud my voice cracks and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep the pitiful sound from escaping me. Eric is vibrating with emotion If I didn't know any better I'd say he looked pained. Tobias is alarmingly still by his side his shoulders hunched forward and his face resigned. There is something much bigger than initiate scores between them and I dont have the energy to sort it out right now. Luckily Eric takes a hint and focus in on the issue at hand. He runs a hand over his face and sighs before locking his fingers in his messy hair.

"Okay Okay. So you said You were hallucinating? A man? What did he look like? What was happening? Where were you?"

"Uh I um I couldn't see his face. I was looking at his feet the whole time and I wanted to look up, to see who he was but I couldn't. I couldn't control how things went it was like I was observing a recording but from behind my eyes. He was wearing gray slacks and plain white sneakers. His voice was deep and he had big hands. They were soft but his grip was painful. We were in my mother's kitchen in Amity."

"What would an abnegation man be doing in an Amity kitchen?"

After Eric says it I make the connection for the first time. I feel so stupid for not realizing it sooner. Of course a man in Gray would be from Abnegation. He called me selfish too. Eric is right though he had no business in that setting.

"The only time they visited Amity was to pick up food to distribute to the Factionless. They aren't allowed to mingle with us though. Not since I was little and the Dauntless guards started enforcing faction separation."

My gut clenches I can feel more of a connection there than I can put words too. I know there's more I just can't find it in the folds of my mind. The blank spaces in my memory scream so loud in their silence.

"Shit I can't remember half of my life I don't know if this is a memory or some made up illusion in my head."

This time it's Tobias who speaks up.

" What are your three earliest memories?"

I rack my mind for the answer to that. What do I remember?

"I learned to play guitar. E minor first then G. Ah I think my brother taught me but I'm not sure. I can just see my fingers on the strings and that's it. After that I remember coming home and finding out my brother was gone. All his stuff his pictures. My mother was so angry. After that I remember you."

I look at Tobias and swallow the lump in my throat. I was 12 when that happened. The class Eric and Tobias were in was four years before mine so I must have been 12. I was 11 when Lucien left and I have no idea how old I was when I learned to play guitar. I'm turning 17 next month. That's not even half of my life that I can remember. Eric does not seem happy about what I just said his biceps flex against his hands as he crosses his arms over his chest. I realize now that the shirt on the floor near my feet is his and it's soaked in my blood. He hasn't mentioned it. I kneel down next to it and pick it up. Just holding it sends guilt shooting through my entire body. Eric turns the topic away from Tobias and whatever pre existing relationship we have.

"Do you remember anything else about this man? If you can't remember further than 5 years back you might have blocked it out. Traumatic shit sometimes is just easier to forget. "

There's something strange in Eric's voice in that last part and I tell myself I'll ask him about it later. There are smears and drops of scarlet on the dark blue mats. The overlapping colors make a foul shade of brown and I wonder how many times these mats have seen blood. I close my eyes and the visions flash there again like a flip book or a photo album. I try to remember as much as I can but the headache isn't letting up and I just want to sleep. I try to hold onto the images behind my eyes to grasp at detials.

"I remember him calling me selfish, saying I was angry and evil. He said I was his child but that doesn't makes sense my dad died in an apple picking incident when I was really young."

"Do you remember that?"

Eric's voice sounds hopeful.

"No No I don't remember it someone told me that. My mother never spoke of him, not his name, not anything. I asked my brother I think. Yeah that's who it was it must have been right before he left. I can see it, he looked so upset when I said I couldn't remember."

I'm still kneeling, holding Eric's ruined shirt when he sits down beside me. He gets on eye level and takes the shirt from my hands finding a clean corner and wetting it with his water bottle from class. While he talks he starts dabbing the fabric at the blood that's dried on my face. His hands are warm and gentle and I let the steadiness in his movements sooth me.

"So you blocked some shit out, some super bitchy Abnegation dude in your kitchen. It doesn't explain forgetting everything else. People usually just block out the thing that they need to forget."

I look passed Eric and see Tobias standing looking torn. His mind working quickly as he stares hard at Eric's hands on my face. Seeing Tobias I remember something else. The words from this last fit.

"This is for your own good."

I say it quietly but Tobias reacts as if I had screamed them. His whole body freezes and his eyes bulge. He looks like he has seen a ghost all the color drains from his skin and he doesn't move his eyes from my face for even a second. He stares into me like he can see my every thought.

"What did you just say?"

"It was what the man said this time, It was right before I felt this pain like something was stabbing into my back."

"Say it again."

Four is getting his teeth so hard I can barely make out the words he was trying to push between them.

"This is for your own good."

When I repeat the words Eric stills looking at Tobias who is approaching us hastily.

"Get up."

"What why?"

I see an urgency in his movements that frightens me.

"Get up and show me your back."

Eric starts to stand between us as I pull myself to my feet. One of us is already shirtless at this rate we are all going to be by the time lunch is over.

"Dude the fuck are you trying to do, she's been bleeding out of all the holes in her head ."

"Shut up Eric I need to see something."

I work quickly with shaking hands turning my back to Tobias as I pull my shirt up onto my shoulder blades. I hear a strangled sound leaving both of the men behind me and scramble quickly to pull my shirt back into place. I feel naked and vulnerable. I don't like not knowing what they saw and I frantically demand an explanation.

"What! what is it? "

Only one word leaves Eric's mouth and it hits me like a punch in the stomach.

"Scars"

Its real, this is real. Some part of me was holding on to some kind of hope. Hope that I was crazy I guess or just delusional. Anything that meant the pain and the fear from those visions was a product of my imagination. Stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm bringing back memories terrible memories that don't make sense, should never have happened and now that I have evidence all I want is more. More proof. I want to understand. Tobias takes off for the door leaving both Eric and myself standing there confused.

"Where the fuck are you going?"

Tobias keeps moving and pushes through the doors without even looking back. Eric groans and kicks the nearest punching bag with enough force to send it swinging helplessly for the next several minutes. When he turns back to me the bag swaying forcefully against its chain, his instructor face is back on.

"Go to the infirmary, you're a fucking mess."

I hear his command but after spending nearly a half hour talking to him about something so personal it doesn't feel right to just fall back into the initiate instructor dance. I crouch down next to my blood and Eric's shirt picking it up delicately and trying to un wad it from the sticky ball its in. My hands are shaking and my knuckles that were already smeared with my own blood are being painted a new darker shade of shame. Eric is suddenly beside me his grip on my wrists is gentle. I can see the restraint he isn't accustomed to using in the strain of his features. He pulls his lips tight between his teeth and puffs air through his nose like a bull that wants to charge. I know I shouldn't push him. I shouldn't antagonize him after dragging him into my fucked up mess of a life. I don't want to go though. The pink haired nurse Meg and the smell of disinfectant. The thought of walking in there on my own too feet for any reason at all seems absurd. There's nothing she can do for me. She can't make my mind stop fracturing. She cant take away the nightmares and ghosts that follow me everywhere. She cant even make my head stop hurting without giving me something that will compromise my fight later. I feel the sag of my shoulders and think of how soft and comfortable my bed would be. If I could just lay there for the rest of my life maybe I'd feel better.

"Leave it. Lunch is almost over, you need to go change that bandage on your nose."

"I'm not going to the infirmary again unless you knock me out and carry me there."

Eric hesitates. I can see how badly he wants to scold me or maybe just knock me out like I suggested but after a long moment his eyes soften and his stiff hands release my wrists.

"Fine but would you at least go wash your face before the rest of the class gets back and I have to explain why you look like you've just committed a murder."

There's such a gentleness in his voice right now and it makes me want to scream at him that I'm not fragile, I'm not some weak little girl. I can't let all of this distract me from my initiation. I don't want to risk ending up factionless and losing my mind all in the same month. So I just nod my head and start for the door Tobias just exited. "Nix"
When he calls my name I stop walking but I don't look back. I don't want to see the pity I hear in his voice. I want the sharp predatory smile and the words that taunt and tease me. I want him to challenge me. I think it might be too late for that now and it weighs me down even more with the loss. I was so absorbed in self pity I almost missed his next words.

"You've got 10 minutes to get your ass back on these mats and if you are a second late I'm dangling you off the roof by your bra straps."

I look over my shoulder to make sure I just heard him correctly. As if his last words would be written on his face for me to read. When I see the devilish grin with just the hint of white teeth showing through my own smile splits across my face like thunder. His eyes twinkle just like they did yesterday after our run and I see no hint of the worry and strain that was there just a moment ago.

"You'll have to catch me first."

I try to pay attention to the fights. I should be learning weakness picking up on patterns. If I can't learn how to win I can at least learn about my opponents but I can't focus on any one thing for long. None of the people fighting today will be my opponent. My opponent waits on the sidelines with me eyeing me when he thinks I won't notice. Cooper is the name beside mine. The second of the Candor twins and the quieter of the two. That is no comfort to me it serves instead to spread the unease of being ill prepared like butter on my mind furthering my inability to focus and that poor attempt for an excuse is all I have to cling to in the moment. Ren and Maybell are keeping up a running commentary beside me but it sounds like it's miles away. Ren has his long coppery hair in a bun today. Maybe so that it doesn't get in the way in the fights but It looks strange seeing the defintion of his jaw and the strength in his neck muscles that his hair usually hides. On the other side of the fight Eric and Tobias stand and observe. Tobias looks disgusted and impatient while Eric looks bored. Occasionally one of them yells out 'Get on with it' or ' We don't have all day'. The sounds of punching and grunts of pain circle around my head and submerge me in a well of dread. I don't want to do this. I don't want to fight anyone.

Maybell gets called to the mat to fight the other girl, the one from Erudite. Lauren has already fought once and lost to the mouth of the Candor twins Oxley and she looks determined not to fail again. She has a ferocity that can only come from losing and Maybell has trepidation in her nervous bouncing feet. Maybell looks so frail standing up there and it takes every ounce of strength I have left not to run to her side and protect her. These fights are stupid and brutal. They don't accomplish anything more than the training we already received. Sure a fight against another person is different than a punching bag but we could easily spar without beating each other senseless. We could wear gloves or pads. We could fight until someone taps out but instead we have to bare knuckle box each other until someone's unconscious or spitting out their teeth. Doing something like that even seeing something like that changes you. Maybell will be carried out of her unconscious or walk out a different person and I see now how badly I don't want her to change. The two small girls circle each other hesitantly for a long minute before Eric steps up and shoves Maybell into Lauren.

"This is a fight not a dance class ladies!"

Maybell stumbles back a foot or so but her balance isn't entirely regained when Lauren strikes for her face. Maybell isn't keeping her hands up to protect herself and she gets hit hard across the temple. She falls back on to her ass with a thump and hollers out in pain. Ren grips my hand tightly I had forgotten that he was here. We look at eachother and I see now that he is just as nauseated by this sight as I am.

"She doesn't stand a chance."

I whisper to him my doubts and he brushes them off half heartedly. His hand is like stone in my death grip. We anchor each other to this spot and keep our eyes fixed on Maybell.

"She can make it. She has too."

Maybell scrambles back to her feet but before she's fully upright Lauren punches her in the stomach and then the ribs. Maybell grunts and and gasps in pain as she swings her arms out to hit Lauren. She isn't using her full weight in the punch and it does almost nothing when it hits Lauren in the arm. Lauren sweeps Maybells feet and pounces on top of her throwing punch after punch at Maybells face and torso. I can't watch anymore as my stomach churns. I feel helpless. I can't stop this or protect Maybell so I tuck my face into Ren's shoulder to hide from the pain that I can still hear. Ren raises a hand and puts it over the ear that is turned towards the fight talking behind it to drown out Maybells crys.

"She'll be okay. She's tough."

It doesn't sound like he believes it and I think he may have said it more for himself than for me. I squeeze my eyes closed and pray for this to be over soon. Just knock her out. Just finish it. Eric meant to start the fight but he threw Maybell under the bus. He put her into a position she couldn't recover from and I seethe with anger for him. I hear a gurgling sound that makes my hair stand up and some morbid part of me has to look, has to see what's become of my friend. Maybells eyes are moving frantically behind her closed lids and blood dribbles from her mouth. Lauren is still sitting on her panting and smiling with her fists held high but Maybell doesn't move. She doesn't fight or make any more noise and Tobias calls the fight by circling Lauren's name on the chalkboard. It's over and the fact that it happened quickly is both a blessing for Maybells health and a curse for her ranking. I can't decide if I should be relieved or even more worried than before. How is she going to get through stage one or more to the point how will Ren and I get through stage two without her.

"Phoenix and Cooper step to the ring."

Tobias calls us forward but my eyes are glued to Maybell. Ren has gone to her. He moved her hair away from her face showing the nasty marks of fist and elbow already blossoming like a meadow of blue flowers across her cheek. As he carries her out I feel a hand gripping my inner elbow tugging me towards the ring but I don't look to see who it is I don't care. Its his nickname for me that finally breaks my trance.

"Nix you've got to snap out of it right now. You've got to be alert and ready if you're going to win this fight. Are you listening to me?"

His voice is harsh and quiet but its urgency wakes me up and reminds me just how important this fight is. I try to remember to be mad at him but with each step we take towards the mats my resolve melts a little more. His lips hardly move as he speaks and to anyone else it would probably look like we aren't speaking at all. I give him a small nod maintaining our discretion as we close in on the mat. I can't afford to hold a grudge right now just like I can't afford to dwell on Maybell.

"You can't be thinking about her right now. You need to worry about yourself. This little twit pisses me off and I'd really like to see you clobber him. Remember to keep your fucking arm up or he's going to hit you right in the throat before you have a chance to do anything. "

Eric throws me forward onto the mat with more force than I was expecting and I stumble falling to my knees clumsily. My pony tail whips forward smacking me across the face and sticking to my lips. His temper is out of control today.

"Alright you know the drill lets see some action!"

Eric claps his hands together and waits for me to meet his eyes. When I do he brings his clasped hands up in front of his face as a second reminder to block. Maybe it's not his temper but his effort not to show me any slack that landed me on my hands and knees before the fight even started. I don't nod this time I know that everyone's eyes are on me so instead I roll my eyes. It's something I think the others might expect that still lets Eric know I understood. I push on my knees to stand up and see Cooper waiting with his fists raised. He's small not a lot of muscle and shorter than me but that means he's probably quick. That advantage is the one I'd normally exploit and right now I don't have a plan B. I'll just have to be faster. I try to foster in myself some resentment something to drive me into this fight and motivate me but I can't. I have no reason to want to hurt this kid and knowing I can't avoid it is only adding to the weight of my burden. I start to bring my hands up and Cooper immediately dives forward to try and catch me before I can block my face. It's a dirty move but I was expecting it. I had a feeling the twins were slimy little pricks. I drop my shoulder down and throw it into his chest forcing him to roll over my back onto the mat behind me. I turn to face him waiting a few steps back for him to get onto his feet. Over coopers body I see Eric shake his head. I know what he wants from me. He wants me to go after this kid at every moment. To never let up and until he's bleeding and broken but I can't do that. I won't do that. I shift my weight around on my feet my nerves buzzing with fear. I see something like desperation in Cooper's face as he throws a hard right hook. I catch his fist with my forearm and duck under our arms to get behind him. I sweep his feet again knocking him to the mat buying myself time to think. I don't want to hit him but I'm going to have to. I can't out run him forever. I can't rely on blocks, ducks and sweeps. Its defensive and it's not going to help my ranking. Cooper lunges for my legs trying to knock me down so he can hold me, pin me to the mat, I wasn't ready for it but I manage to jump just far enough to the right to stay on my feet. That was close and I can feel my luck running out. I have to do something quick. He's at my side now and I realize my arm is dropped to low. He has an opening and he sees it. He strikes hard for my throat hitting me in the wind pipe with enough force to send black dots through my vision. If I hadn't removed the bandage closing off my nose before returning to class I'd have had no way to breath right now. Trying to breath through my nose is painful still and a surprised gurgle climbs up my damaged windpipe, my throat feels like it's caving in. My body responds without my mind bringing my elbow up and then back down across his nose knocking his face into the knee that I'm already raising forcing his chin into an elbow and knee sandwich that makes a sickening crack noise before the room falls into complete silence. I am capable of brutality, good at it even and I don't feel proud.

An anvil settles in my stomach pulling me to my knees in front of Cooper who lies motionless on the matt. His jaw is at an unnatural angle and If I'd eaten lunch I'm sure I'd have lost it now. His face is slack and his hair sticks to his forehead with sweat. He looks like a sleeping child and a heavy sob seizes a hold of my ragged windpipe. Oxley is at his brothers side talking and clutching at his twin, there is no one here for me. Ren is probably still with Maybell in the infirmary and neither Eric nor Tobias can step forward now in this room full of people. There's noone to tell me I had to. There's noone to pretend to feel happy for my win. There is only silence and in that silence self hatred. I came to Dauntless because I wanted to be strong, I wanted to protect people and free myself from fear. That's not what I've done here today.
Tobias yells that we are dismissed and I'm on my feet before the words have finished leaving his mouth. One glance around shows me more than I wanted to know. The others are staring at me with a mix of astonishment and hatred on their faces. I just exposed myself to them as a threat and it didn't go unnoticed. Before I was a smart mouth, someone you write off for over compensation. Now though I've painted a target on my back and so I leave looking for a way to outrun myself.