A/N: POV switch to Dean's later on in this chapter, plus some suicidal idealizations.
"Have you ever read the Supernatural book series by Carver Edlund? You kind of remind me of one of the main characters." - Anonymous
"Yeah. Even met the author. Interesting guy. Wonder what happened to him…
"Heh, don't know why you say that, I kind of don't measure up to either of the guys in the books. At least visually."
It still amazes Sam to see just how much Dean hates himself. How he does not even think he measures up to what is essentially him in book format. Then again he wonders if Becky's comment of Dean not meeting expectations is what probably threw him for a loop. Everyone was expecting Dean to be more muscular, taller, filled out, more like something out of a men's health magazine.
Instead they got a ken doll who looked like he had been through the trenches of war. Not all far from accurate really. He wonders what his brother would be like if he had not been raised in this life. Had a chance to settle down with someone nice.
How different would his brother be?
Sam has no time to mull on it though, and he hates himself for it but he has to chase down Benny. Part of him, the part that still resents who his brother used to be, feels it just. Dean killed Amy, and there were other non-human girls along the way. But then he remembers how Dean feels about Benny and his chest aches.
That was the plan until he got the text at least.
'I need your help.'
He never expected to hear from Amelia again...
"I'm tangled up in something I don't know how to get out of. Shit went down, Sam's chasing after Benny, same with Martin. I'm torn between defending Benny, or being with Sam.
"My heart tells me to defend Benny, he's not a bad guy and I know that. He's not who Martin and Sam think he is. They don't know him like I do.
"Yeah he has a past, but we all do…Not like I'm going to get rung up for all the shit I've done. Hell I've done some things Sam doesn't know about. Things I'm not exactly proud of but had to do.
"Ha, I don't think I want him to know about my history though, turning tricks just so he could eat while Dad was off working.
"I have my past, I have my skeletons, I was…at least I think I've been forgiven for them, even if I can't forgive myself. I keep telling myself I did what I had to, and Benny can be forgiven for his own too.
"So I just need him to lay off him. Or I might have to take matters into my own hands, and I don't think Sam will like where it ends. Because this will be the first time I take someone elses side over his own.
"Well aside from the shit that went on with Cas over a year ago.
"Sam and I have had some big disagreements before, but nothing like this."
The text was a diversion, at least that was what he kept telling himself. Get Sam out of the way, Benny safe, Martin would be easy enough to handle if they crossed paths. He was nothing like going against Sam. Plus Dean knew already that if he did cross paths with Sam, he would not be able to hurt his little brother. Never could.
Martin however, he had no qualms with taking a tire iron over the assholes head for what he did to Dean's. His head still hurt from the attack, but as long as Sam was out of town, and Martin out of the way he was good. Benny was safe. They could handle what was going on here, get rid of the real threat and get out.
His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest with how fast it was going. Never would he admit he was scared - not for his life but for Benny's. He got the vampire out, and for what? To go back?
And part of him wanted Benny around still so they could see if anything might become of the two of them...
That was a silly pipe dream though.
Right now he had to keep going, even if it was just to make sure Benny survived. The text would get Sam out of town - he had to keep himself from thinking it might take Sam out of his life too. That hurt too much to think of right now. But if he was going to be made to chose why should Sam be free of that?
He keeps his bitter thoughts to himself, heading off to meet with Benny. The only distraction is his phone buzzing alerting him to an e-mail. He checks quickly, sighing since it was from his tumblr.
"What would you do if Sam found this blog? Or, maybe, what do you think Sam would do?" From Anonymous.
He taps out a reply quickly;
"I don't know what I'd do honestly…would depend on his reaction honestly.
"I don't know how he'll react though, he's become unpredictable. He's not the man I used to know. He could get angry, yell at me, run away from it because he does not want to face it, tell me to suck it up…
"Dad did when I tried to talk about feelings."
It is depressing, he knows it is, but he has worked for years to build this armor of 'stay out'. A shield of self loathing and self hatred, focusing more on Sam than himself because it was his job, his purpose, his life.
Yet here he is, years later, with Sam once more trying to cut away and alone. His only friend in danger, the other doing god knows what. He could lose them at any moment and he knows it - worse, he expects it. Happiness never lasts for him. It never does.
He feels a bit more at home once he is with Benny again, sparing the teddy bear of a vampire a smile. Benny gives him a questioning look but does not ask. He never does and Dean guesses that's one of the reasons he fell for him. Benny never asked anything of him that Dean could not give...
And what he did ask for he could always give back.
What he loves more is how they make a great team, still natural together like they were in Purgatory. It's not as black and white here, but the mission is clear and they get through it with ease, only a little damage done to Dean - and like many times before Benny proves his self restraint. He does not latch onto the damaged skin, instead helping Dean up.
For a moment he wants to lean into that strong body. Breathe the other in, feel his arms around him and just be. Not on the edge and worried about Benny still because both Sam and Martin would still be out there.
In his pocket his phone vibrates but he ignores it - just e-mail alerts after all. It's when he and Benny have separated, with him warning Benny to get out of town, that Martin might try to track him, that he finally spares a moment.
Another one from anonymous; "Ya know, in that list of possibilities for what Sam might do, it's kind of hard not to notice that you don't say anything positive. Don't you think it's possible that he might react by trying to talk to you, or help you? Siblings tend to be close like that; I find it hard to believe your brother would turn his back on you for any of this."
He lets out a heavy sigh before responding this time, "I just don't have that much optimism. Our relationship isn't what it used to be. I don't know if he'd want to help me. I've always been the strong, unbendable, dependable big brother to him. Nothing was ever wrong with me. Even if it was obvious something was, I always hid it with a smile and I don't know if Sam could handle knowing that all this time I've just been shattering to pieces.
"Especially since it's getting hard to keep up the mask."
That done it's time to get to clean up. The call to Sam is a mess, and he knew this would be coming. He should not have tricked him, and he feels bad for it, but at the same time he had to. He did not want to lose either Sam or Benny, especially not to one another in a blood bath.
When Sam hangs up he resigns himself to going and chasing down his brother. Sort things out the easy (or hard) way. Talking might do them both some good.
Another message comes in as he is getting ready to leave, "You're 34, right? So Sam's, like, 30-ish? Don't you think it's about time to start letting him take care of himself? You don't have to protect him from everything, it's not your job. In fact, don't you think it's about time you let yourself be taken care of? It kind of sounds like you need it."
He sighs, heavy and deep in his chest. Like he is tired and feels like there's this weight on him. 'You think I haven't considered that?' he thinks to himself.
"Never been taken care of honestly, always been the one to take care of others. It's always been 'watch over Sammy, make sure he's okay'. Never 'watch over Dean'. Not even five years ago when I came back a little messed up because of things I don't want to get into.
"Yeah I laughed it off, but it still gives me nightmares.
"I don't think Sam would know what to do knowing that I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be."
He gets ready to hop out of town, but has to turn back as soon as a call comes in. Expecting the worst his knuckles go white, holding the steering wheel.
When he arrives it's not as bad as he expects - bad but it could be worse in his opinion. She's a wreck on the stairs and he hands her something to clean up. Inside it's Martin's body on the ground. Fang marks, enough to tell him that is probably why Benny made a run for it. Came to save his grandkid, and left because he broke their promise.
Every part of him screams to chase him down and tell him it is alright, that he understands. Instead he leaves to do clean up, and handle her before he has to go chase down his brother.
Before he leaves town he checks his messages again, another from an anon; "No offense meant by this, but he probably already knows. It's easy to see through the masks people put up; realistically speaking, you're probably not as good of an actor as you think you are. On another note, have you ever considered getting help, like professionally? I've been studying depression, and other than anti-depressants that's really the only solution I can think of for you."
It takes everything in him not to bang his head on the car. If he wasn't a drifter that would be easy.
"I move around too much. I've only stayed in one place for a year at most. I'm constantly moving from place to place finding work. Don't know if I could afford or have the medical to see a therapist, let alone psychiatrist so I could get the pills…
"And if he's noticed why hasn't he said a damn thing? He pestered me about it five years ago but let it go, why hasn't he said a thing now? He knows I won't just open up about it, at least he should. He's known me since he was born…"
That done he is off. When he finally sees Sam they blow up at one another and Dean ends up alone, drinking away his sorrows. Wondering just where his life went wrong.
Across town Sam lays with Amelia, ignoring the occasional vibrations of his cell, alerting him to a new update on Dean.
"Things are more fucked up than I expected but that's just how my life is.
"Benny ran off…I think he thinks I hate him or something when that's far from the truth. I helped him get in the clear but Sam still hates him. Sam won't talk to me, I tried talking to him, explaining things to him but he wouldn't hear a word of it, actually hung up on me.
"I know I'm a shit person, and a shit brother and I shouldn't have used the girl he liked to get him out of the way but I didn't want him and Benny killing each other. I'd rather lose him to Amelia than lose them both in a bloodbath but it looks like I'll lose both either way. He doesn't want to talk to me and Benny won't pick up the phone.
"I'm all alone right now and worse I'm scared.
"I'm at the point where I might just call Cas and see if he'll listen even if he's got shit of his own going on.
"Just at the point where I feel like taking the impala and driving it off a cliff."