Chapter 10: Innocent Lies

The next morning, I wake as usual, a bit before Yuuri does and I have an instant ache to be on the ice. I can't get dressed or downstairs fast enough. I forget to eat anything. I just grab a bottle of water so that I won't get dehydrated and I put my skates on. I work out on the inside rink, which isn't being used so much right now, because the weather's been good and everyone wants to be outside in the sun. I don't mind the greater chill. I just really like being alone and creating.

My heart knows the exact dimensions of the rink, so I can close my eyes through some moves and try to capture which way my soul is moving today.

Yuuri's asked me a million times how I think of what I want to do in a program. It's not so difficult, really. It starts with an emotion, something that comes to me as I work out on the ice. It's only in that peaceful place I go to in my head, while my body is turning, spinning, laying back or rising into a jump, that I can completely leave the world I'm in and connect with the heart of what will be my next program.

Lies…

The good and the bad kind.

There are some lies that are gentle, lies we breathe in soft voices. These lies aren't meant to hurt anyone. They're spoken to spare loved ones from feeling pain. These are innocent lies…

It doesn't look so bad (even though it does)

I know it hurts, but you'll feel better soon (It may be awhile)

It's not much longer (but it is)

You're perfect the way you are (We're all imperfect, and that's as it should be)

I believe in you (I'm not as sure as I sound, but I am here for you)

I know you'll do it eventually (But if you don't, I'll be here for you)

It's while I'm skating that feeling that the music starts to come to me. While I'm still feeling the emotion and hearing the music, I begin to move to it, trying to capture the proper flow, to make my blades cut that emotion into the ice, to let it run from my heart into my core, then turn and let it radiate outward, through my limbs. Every part of me, inside and out just becomes an extension of that emotion.

Lies…

When we tell everyone we're okay (But we're not)

When we push the hurt down and smile (We cry inside)

The truth is all around us (But we won't speak it)

We tell innocent lies to show love, to soothe, to support, to care for someone. Innocent lies are the soft landing we give each other.

Why?

Why am I feeling this now?

What does this have to do with everything that's going on in my life right now…or am I just escaping into my art form? I guess it doesn't really matter. All that matters is the connection between the ice beneath my feet and my human heart. Everything that tasks my heart, good or bad, comes out here, on the ice.

Each beat of my heart is one spent living. If I've spent that moment here, skating my emotions, then that heartbeat is never wasted. No matter what happens out there in the world, I'm always at home with myself here.

The chill air…

…the feeling of gliding…

…although moving through life is slow and clumsy, here I move swiftly and in perfect time…

…arms in while I spin…

…then out so I can soar…

I feel so much when I'm skating.

I wish I could just live here.

I'm still in the midst of my wandering thoughts when I feel that something around me has changed. I feel Yakov's eyes watching from behind the rink wall. Then…I feel Yuuri's hand take mine.

It's then that I really begin to fly.

I don't wait until the end of our practice to dance with him. This time, we dance right away. Yuuri reads me so well now that he's with me on every hop, loop and spin. Sometimes we hold hands and sometimes we work side-by-side. Together, we make a kind of magic that makes everything around us disappear.

I said before that I am most at home on the ice because it lets me skate my emotions. When Yuuri's with me, I don't just skate my emotions, we skate ours. While we're working together, it's more intense than lovemaking. The love we feel streams out from our hearts, through our bodies and along our limbs. It leaks out of our eyes and off our fingertips. I never felt so much when I was skating alone. Now, Yuuri's presence at my side brings me into whole new places emotionally. I feel myself connecting powerfully with those new worlds and I'm overflowing with inspiration.

Yuuri, I know I've said it a million times, but going to Hasetsu to become your coach was the most wonderful and perfect thing I ever did. I know that every tine we skate together, when we dance together, cook together, lie down and make love together…even when we argue. Thank you for seducing me with your dancing and your drunken proposition. Thank you for letting me into your world, into your home and family, into your life. Every step with you is a new adventure. I just can't wait until the day we are married.

I live for that.

Thinking about that makes the hard things now seem easier. It lightens the burden on my heart and lets me breathe more easily. I'm so blessed to have you in my life.

"Victor?"

I come back to reality and find that we've stopped moving and I'm holding Yuuri close, so that our lips are almost touching. We've attracted some spectators, and several have their cell phones out and look to have been recording or snapping pictures of our ice dancing. I smile and give them an absolutely stunning capture of me giving Yuuri a romantic kiss that would put the kisses of all the handsome princes to shame.

Let them put that on the news.

With more people gathering to watch, I start Yuuri's practice session, going over his programs with affine toothed comb and picking at every last detail. Then, we spend time working on his quad flip and quad lutz, a jump he's hoping to add to his roster soon. He landed it in our exhibition, but his completion rate isn't high enough yet for competition. I set him to work, then I head to where Yakov is waiting.

"Enough playing, Vitya," he pretend-scolds me, "Show me what you have."

He frowns at first as he realizes that something is different. This is not the short program I was working on. I show him the skating I came up with only this morning, and I can see immediately that although he wants to yell at me for changing my mind so close to competition, he sees the genius in the moves.

"You are kidding me, Vitya!" he complains.

"Yakov, it's inspired!" I argue, "The theme is Lies. This short program expresses the innocent lies we tell to other people…or to ourselves, for our protection, for our comfort."

"And are you also changing your free skate?" he sighs, shaking his head.

"I have to change the music and the focus, but a lot of the moves are the same. Let me show you."

I show him the longer program that had come into my head, then I return to find him looking thoroughly perplexed.

"The free skate is called Two Faces, and it expresses the physical lie we are when we show one face to the world, but inside, we feel much different."

"Damn it…" he mutters.

"You think it's better than what I had, don't you, Yakov?"

"I do," he agrees, "But can you have it together in time for nationals? Are you sure you can do that?"

I tilt my head and give him an amused look.

"Yakov, you insult me!" I laugh.

He gives me a more happy little smirk.

"That's my Vitya."

When our practice session is over, we order lunch to be sent to Yakov's suite, and we meet there with Stefan to have that long postponed meeting to talk about his recommendations for my treatment. I'm anxious to know what he will say, but I have come to trust him. Stefan has already done more to really know me than anyone did at that first clinic visit. He immersed himself in my life over the past few days, and I wonder how that will affect what he decides to tell me.

I lay down on the sofa, putting my head in Yuuri's lap while we wait for the food to arrive. Filip is near the picture window, looking out at the view and holding Stefan's hand. It's so comfortable like this that I can almost forget that we are here to talk about how I've screwed up a part of my life, and what I have to do to begin to fix myself.

Why did I have to be born to that man? I'm nothing like him…well, except for being an alcoholic. But, at least I'm getting some help. I wish that I could help mother also.

I see Yakov's phone sitting on the table, and I pick it up to look again at the words my mother sent him. He's in the other room, because the food just arrived. I'm sure he won't mind. I read the words again, and I smile, even though it's a sad smile. I start to exit the screen, then I notice, first that my mother wasn't calling from her cell, and second, that Yakov sent a reply to her.

I will always be here for you and our Vitya, Mirra. If you need anything, only ask.

"Vitya, what are you doing?" Yakov snaps, taking the phone from me, "Give me that."

"I was just looking at my mother's message," I tell him.

His look get a little more sympathetic.

"Well, next time, ask."

He starts to turn away, but I stop him.

"Yakov, did you give her that other phone?"

Yuuri and I exchange curious glances as he thinks before answering.

"You aren't the only one who tried to make her see she should leave him," he says finally, "I gave her the phone when I took you to live with me. I told her to keep it somewhere safe and use it if she needed to."

He starts to walk away to join the others filling up their plates with food.

"Yakov, you are a good friend."

"Hmph!" he huffs, shaking his head and walking away.

"What's with him?" Yuuri asks.

"Eh, who knows. Let's get something to eat. I'm starving. How about you?"

"Oh yeah, me too."

We fill up on food, then Filip excuses himself and leaves Stefan with just Yakov, Yuuri and me. I feel calmer about the meeting now, but I'm also still a little worried about what he will say.

"Victor," Stefan says, as he sits across from me, and Yakov and Yuuri are on either side of me, listening too, "I have to tell you that I have a very different impression of you than I did when I finished looking over your intake information. Some of the things that changed? Well, first is, of course, that you have recalled the abuse you suffered as a child. That was not something that you knew, so it wasn't your fault that you didn't disclose it. The repressed memory is something we will need to keep in mind as we continue. You are still in the early stages of recovering your memories related to that incident, so you will need some guidance in dealing with that. I feel it's been beneficial that I was here to see you respond to that. I learned a lot about you that I couldn't tell from the intake questions and examination."

"Like what?" I ask him.

"Well, for starters, I've learned that you have strong connections around you, and you utilize them already to help yourself through difficult things. Your relationship with Yakov is a very good thing. Having done most of your growing up in a dorm situation, it was good for you to have him looking out for you, and it seems that he fulfilled the need you would have had for a father figure. Your relationship with Yuuri, too, is a positive one, and even the times I've seen you disagree, there has never been any sign of violence or abuse between you. I'm glad to see that, because domestic violence can have its seed in abuse that one receives abuse in his or her formative years."

"Are you saying that, because Victor was abused as a child, even though he didn't remember, he could have become abusive too?" Yuuri asks worriedly.

"It doesn't happen to everyone," Stefan assures him, "It is just that having been abused, whether he remembered it or not, put Victor at a higher risk of abusing a partner or family member, at some point."

"Vitya is not like that," Yakov says firmly, "He would never try to really hurt someone, unless his life depended on it."

Stefan gives an affirmative nod.

"That certainly matches up with the person I observed when Victor's father had him by the throat. There was certainly reason for Victor to react, and he did. But, he only applied the force necessary to hinder the attack. I saw no sign of violence, just self-protection."

"I don't think I decided one way or another," I say, frowning.

"No, your reaction was instinctive," Stefan explains, "and that's why I trust what I saw. Now, something else I've noticed that may have a big effect on your treatment, is how much you are motivated to live a more sober life. You are open to my advice, and you fight your impulse to drink pretty admirably so far. I think you'll need monitoring and assistance to continue to fight off the addiction, but I believe there are lots of ways that the recovery center can assist you."

"Do you think that I will be able to work out an outpatient treatment?" I ask hopefully.

I worry at the look that comes onto his face, but his tone when he answers is bracing.

"Here's what I think. I was watching you this morning while you were skating, at first alone, then with Yakov watching and Yuuri on the ice with you. I think that the three of you make a good team for building the foundation for your recovery, but…that isn't going to be enough. It's just the beginning. I know you have a skating season you're in the midst of, and I don't really want to see you go off track while you're in that busy time, but I also agree that it would not be good for you psychologically or recovery-wise, to take you away from skating. Skating is a source of added strength for you. If we assume that you will keep skating, it's clear that the usual outpatient program won't work. It requires daily returns to the center for drug testing and maintenance, as well as group and individual meetings."

"I can see that's not going to work," I agree, "so what are my options?"

"Victor," he says, taking my hands, "I have to say that while I've been here, you've inspired me. I took the job I have now, because I used to be an alcoholic, and when I was helped and I went back to school, I decided that if I could help even one person like me to not let alcohol ruin his or her life, I would feel like I had succeeded in something really important. I've helped people in the recovery center, and that makes me feel great, but it seems like your need for help and mine for reaching out and helping someone in a less conventional way are crossing paths. I think that you should not face this season without guidance. I'm talking about someone who will meet with you every day, who will work within your schedule and see that you receive counseling, training in helpful thinking and meditation, and access to group settings that work for you. I am thinking that if you decide it will work for you, I will personally see you through this season. I will go with you when you travel, and support your recovery in whatever ways you need."

"Are you serious?" I ask, "Stefan, really? I mean, I am just one person. Don't you work with other people at the center?"

"I've been at the center for over ten years and I was just deciding what to do with the sabbatical time I've earned. I thought that if you want me to, I can support you through the skating season, but…in return, I want to ask something of you that might be difficult for you."

"What is that?"

He considers a moment, then answers.

"I think that you should consider a month of inpatient treatment during the off season, to make sure that you have all that you need to be successful. I can get you through the season and I can start what work needs to be done, but to really be sure we break this cycle, you need some time away from everything. I can arrange for you to continue to skate, and after the first week, you can have visitors and even go home on weekends. The inpatient time will be spent in specifically targeted counseling that will give you the highest possibility of success."

He looks at the three of us and gives us a sympathetic look.

"I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but it is what I think is best. You can choose to have me come with you and do the outpatient treatment upon your return, but there are some things the inpatient treatment offers that outpatient treatment can't. I don't want you to answer right away. After this weekend, Filip and I will be going back to Saint Petersburg. You can let me know when you've decided which way you want to go."

"Thank you, Stefan," I say quietly, "Yakov, Yuuri and I will talk it all over together and I will let you know."

"Okay, and in the meantime, since new information has come out about alcoholism in your family, I will need to get some more information about your mother and father. Do you know if there was any history of drug or alcohol abuse, or any domestic violence in your mother's side of the family?"

"No, no, there was nothing like that," I assure him, "There was no history of violence in my father's side that I know of either, although we all know now that my father, himself is an alcoholic and abusive."

"No, Vitya," Yakov says, stopping me, "he is not."

The rest of us exchange confused looks.

"We all just saw Modya Nikiforov grab Victor by the throat," Stefan says in a curious tone, "and Victor has recovered a memory of his father's drunken attack on him, that you, yourself, confirmed, so…how can you say that Modya Nikiforov is not an abusive alcoholic?"

Yakov's expression turns into something that, shockingly, looks like relief.

"Modya Nikiforov is not Victor's father."

What did he say?

"I am."

Wh-what?