17. CHANGE
When I woke up Jake was gone. Edward had taken his place, resting his arm across mine and keeping a cool hand on my face. The sun was up already – as much as it could be in Forks – and I could hear the light sprinkling of gentle rain outside. I yawned and stretched my arms out as slowly and carefully as I could manage, but even then it still hurt terribly.
"Bella?" Edward murmured quietly, stroking my cheek with the hand on my face.
"Good morning," I mumbled back, trying to dislodge the thick sleepiness from my voice.
"How do you feel?"
I frowned. Of course that would be his first greeting; it had almost become routine. "I'm all right, just tired."
He sighed deeply. He knew I was lying. "Are you thirsty?"
"Yeah, I am," I replied, nodding.
I hadn't noticed her before, but as soon as the words left my mouth, Rosalie jumped up from her chair and swept into the kitchen to retrieve my glass. When she returned, I thanked her and took the plastic from her hands, latching my lips onto the straw and taking a deep sip.
"Where's Jake?" I asked Edward after I finished my third mouthful.
"On patrol," he answered. "He left several hours ago."
"Oh." I hesitated. "Do you think he'll come back?"
He sighed again. "He always has, hasn't he?"
I didn't respond.
We both sat in silence for a long time after that, the only sounds being the rain and the blood in my glass flowing up the straw as I drank. Rosalie watched me carefully out of the corner of her eye, and when I raised my eyebrows at her she glanced away. I didn't mind her looking out for me, but lately she'd gone a bit overboard with the security thing. I was eternally thankful for her generosity and support, but I just wished she and Edward were more civil around each other. It was exhausting just listening to their arguments, and more than often I had to step in before a fight could break out. I wanted them both near me, but lately it was hard to have them in the same room for more than a minute.
I jumped slightly as Edward suddenly shot up, glancing between me and Rosalie with a frantic expression. My heart sped up as an automatic reaction, irrational fear quickly consuming my thoughts.
"Edward, what is it?" I asked weakly, setting the glass down.
He ignored me, turning his full attention toward Rosalie. "Did you hear that?"
She arched an eyebrow questioningly, her eyes clearly telling me that she had no idea what he was talking about.
I reached up and tugged lightly on his shirtsleeve, willing him to look at me and sit back down. "Hear what?"
"I'm serious, Rosalie," he snapped. "Don't give me that look!"
"Edward, calm down!" I tugged again, and he finally glanced down. His eyes were wide with panic, making my heart beat even faster.
"How do you feel, Bella?" he urged me, grabbing my hand from his shirt and holding it tightly in both of his.
"W-what? You just asked me that a few minutes ago!"
"Answer the question," he demanded, squeezing my fragile hand tighter. I knew the blood had stopped circulating through it; it was completely numb in his grasp.
"I..I feel the same?" I responded, my words coming out like a question themselves. I was completely lost and didn't understand why he was in so much of a fright. But it scared me; he was acting like a madman. Not my Edward at all.
"Are you sure? You don't feel anymore pain?" he prodded, almost like he was trying to force the truth out of me. "Like another broken bone?"
"What?! No, Edward. I'm fine, I swear!"
"Don't say that!" he yelled, silencing me at once. I shrank back against the couch cushions, fighting back the tears that had suddenly built up. I tried to pull my hand free, but he kept it locked in his iron grip.
He shot me a glare before turning back to Rose. "She doesn't know what she's talking about! She's lying to me to spare me the pain," he growled at her. "But I can hear better than she can! And I can feel her agony…stop scowling at me like that! Get the hell over here and help me take her to Carlisle!"
"Edward, shut up!" she hissed. "You don't know what you're talking about. You've snapped again. Now cool it before I'm forced to tie you down."
"How can you say that, when Bella is hurting like this?! I thought it was your job to protect her!"
"It is! But how can I protect her from herself? And there's nothing else wrong! I would have heard it."
"Well I heard it. And I'm taking her if you won't."
"Edward, stop!" She jumped to her feet, her beautiful figure quaking with rage.
"Stay back," he snapped. "Stay away."
I couldn't remember having ever been more terrified of him in my life. He'd never lost it like this before, and despite my mind screeching at me to defend myself and try to escape, I would never leave him. It was my fault he'd sank to this, so it was my responsibility to help him through it.
"Edward…"
He turned and looked down at me, his expression instantly morphing into overwhelming anxiety and grief. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen to you. If only I had known…"
"Edward, listen to me," I said calmly, taking my free hand and reaching up to gently place it on his cheek. "Rose is right. Please, just try to relax. I haven't broken another bone, I promise."
By some miracle, it seemed to work. I knew I had influence over him, but it never ceased to surprise me when he responded to my touch. Almost like I responded to his. His posture loosened, and the look of panic eventually vanished from his face. But I could still feel the tension beneath his skin, tight and painful, and I knew he must have realized he was scaring me. He was playing it off now to ease my stress.
"Are you sure?" he whispered carefully, releasing my other hand.
I nodded as I pulled it back into my lap, leaving the other on his face. "I promise. I would have felt it."
"But I heard something…can we please just check?"
I sighed deeply, closing my eyes for a second. "Would it help you relax?"
"Yes."
I nodded again, staring back into his eyes in defeat. "Very well."
He looked relieved. "Thank you."
I was annoyed that I had to take another X-ray, this time an entirely unnecessary one, but if it made Edward happy, I'd have taken a million. I threw my arms around his neck when he cautiously picked me up, burying my face in his shoulder to let him know that I forgave him for frightening me. He seemed to understand, and he gently placed one hand on the back of my head and stroked my hair as he began ascending the stairs.
Rose followed behind us, looking thoroughly aggravated. I heard her muttering under her breath, and whatever she said caused Edward to stiffen again. But like before, he played it off and continued walking.
Carlisle didn't look surprised to see us; no doubt he'd heard the disastrous outbreak downstairs. He was waiting in the medical room, already setting up the X-ray machine. I sighed internally and sank a little deeper into Edward's body, and he gave me a little apologetic frown before placing me on the hard bench. I stretched out and closed my eyes and waited for Carlisle to begin.
It seemed to go by faster this time, but maybe it was just because I was starting to get used to it all. Edward helped me sit up, and we both watched as Carlisle extracted the results and waited for them to develop. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, making small humming sounds as he scanned the glossy sheets with narrowed eyes. After a minute, he nodded and glanced up at us.
"Well, I don't see anything, Edward," he said quietly, giving a small smile. "It seems that Rosalie was right. One of her ribs is weakening, but that's nothing that can't be fixed. Her pelvis is still intact, though."
Even though I'd known I was fine, the confirmation from a legendary doctor took an immense weight off my shoulders. I let out a sigh of relief and returned Carlisle's smile.
"See, I told you I didn't hear a crack," Rose started goading Edward. I wished she wouldn't; he'd really been upset by this. "You need your ears checked, Edward."
He didn't respond, and I shot him a worried look. His eyes met mine, and the corner of his lip curved slightly in an attempt at a smile, but only to placate me. He was in no mood to celebrate.
He gently picked me up and without a word turned around and walked out of the room. His face betrayed no emotion, but I knew exactly what he was feeling. Over his shoulder I could see Rose walking behind us, a smug smile twisting her lips. She noticed the frown I was wearing, and the look quickly disappeared. She actually looked sympathetic for once. The thought comforted me slightly.
As we reached the bottom, I heard quiet voices talking near the front door. I looked up and saw Jacob and Alice staring at me, the former with his seemingly permanent look of despair plastered across his face. I knew how I looked; I'd caught a brief glimpse of myself in the medical room's mirror. I was whiter than ever, and my limbs were thinner than any anorexic's. But despite how weak and exhausted I was, I couldn't stop the huge smile that spread across my face as I realized that he'd come back once again. A surge of warmth passed through me, and I felt immense happiness. I had the best friend that the world could offer.
"Jake," I whispered.
He didn't answer, but just continued to watch. Edward laid me down on the couch again, placing a blanket over my legs, and then settled on the floor near my head. I let my hand fall casually from my side, hoping he'd take it. He did.
Carlisle came down the stairs then, stopping in the middle of the floor, his eyes distant and his face creased with worry. I noticed how it seemed to make him look older, more human.
"Carlisle," Jake spoke for the first time. "We went halfway to Seattle. There's no sign of the pack. You're good to go."
"Thank you, Jacob," he responded, looking slightly relieved. "This is good timing. There's much that we need." I wasn't sure if I imagined it, but his eyes flickered to the cup of blood that I was still holding.
"Honestly, I think you're safe to take more than three. I'm pretty positive that Sam is concentrating on La Push."
Carlisle nodded. "If you think so. Alice, Esme, Jasper, and I will go. Then Alice can take Emmett and Rosa-"
"Not a chance," Rose hissed. My eyes flashed to her and quickly away. Her glares always terrified me. "Emmett can go with you now."
"You should hunt," Carlisle said gently.
"I'll hunt when he does," she growled, motioning to Edward and flipping her long platinum hair back.
Carlisle sighed, obviously too tired to argue. And regardless, it was never a good idea to fight with Rosalie.
In the next instant, Jasper and Emmett had appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Alice accompanied them and they waited by the glass back door for Carlisle. Esme drifted over to them as well, and Alice pulled her into a hug. We all knew how much all this was taking a toll on Esme, and being the mother figure of the house; it had to be more extreme than any of the guilt and burdens we were suffering.
Carlisle placed his hand on Jake's arm, and to my surprise, he didn't flinch or back away. But it seemed to me that he'd been harboring a soft spot for the doctor, ever since he cared for Jake's extensive injuries a few months ago.
"Thank you," Carlisle said in a grateful voice, and then he took Esme's hand and darted out the door with the others. They were gone in a flash, disappearing into the still-dark forest of the early morning.
There was a minute of silence following their departure, and then Jake sauntered over to the armchair between Rose's and my couch and settled in. His head was tilted in my direction, and I gave him a small smile. He didn't seem to be paying attention, though.
"Ew. Someone put the dog out," Rose complained, wrinkling her nose against the werewolf smell. I still found it hard to believe that they smelled that disgusting to my vampire family; Jake always smelled wonderful to me. Rich and woodsy, like the forests surrounding Forks. A very calm, earthy smell. But then again, the vampires smelled horrible to the werewolves. That was impossible to believe. Edward's scent was a distinctive mix of floral and sugary; like rose petals and vanilla. And in an inexplicable way, rain. Of course it was part of his predatory draw, but to me it meant home. I remembered his hand that I was holding, and gave it a light squeeze.
"Have you heard this one, Psycho?" Jake taunted her, making me frown. "How do a blonde's brain cells die?"
Thankfully, she didn't answer. She seemed to have more control and sense of self-preservation than he did. But in all honestly, I don't know who would win in a fight. Jake was bigger, and the single born enemy of vampires, but I had a feeling none of them had ever dealt with the likes of a vampire resembling Rosalie. She was certainly a sight to behold.
"Well?" he persisted. "Do you know the punch line or not?"
She picked up the TV remote and switched the plasma screen on, pointedly ignoring him.
Frustrated, he turned to Edward. "Has she heard it?"
I glanced down at Edward's expression. It was still the same; no sign of humor. Just pure, intimidating seriousness. "No."
"Awesome," he exclaimed, enthusiasm returned. "So you'll enjoy this, bloodsucker – a blonde's blood cells die alone."
Rose never turned her head, or moved in the slightest. "I have killed a hundred times more often than you have, you disgusting beast. Don't forget that."
"Someday, Beauty Queen, you're going to get tired of just threatening me," he said firmly, unsatisfied by her response. "I'm really looking forward to that."
That was my breaking point. "Enough, Jacob," I hissed at him, letting disapproval color my tone. I didn't want anymore fighting in this house. It had already gone on for far too long.
He glanced over at me and frowned at my scowl. "You want me to take off?"
I blinked, caught off guard by his immediate conclusion. I was shocked he would take that as a dismissal, when I'd personally asked for him to return. "No! Of course not."
He sighed heavily and gave a slight nod. I watched him carefully, saddened by how tired he looked. Like Carlisle, and Edward, and the rest of my family. It was all my fault.
"You look tired," I said softly.
He didn't argue. "Dead beat."
I frowned again and he slumped deeper into his chair in an attempt to get comfortable. I knew he didn't like being here, but I was too selfish to let him go. I almost felt like I was holding him hostage at times.
The hand that wasn't locked with Edward's still clutched my now-empty glass of blood. I realized I was thirsty, and asked Rose to get me a refill. She rose silently from her chair and took the glass from my outstretched hand, disappearing upstairs.
Jake looked like he was about to crash, and he deserved to. I would have insisted on making him sleep in one of the guest rooms where there was a comfortable bed, but he'd never accept the offer. And I myself was growing too tired to think of arguing again.
I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to wander, knowing exactly where it would go. My recent daydreams seemed to be dominated by my fantasy honeymoon, and as the days passed I'd realized that I missed the little island more and more. Once I was a vampire, I would have to beg Edward to take me back for an extended vacation. And this time we wouldn't have to worry about annoying human tribulations like starvation and sleep deprivation…and pregnancy. Though the last would never seem a setback for me; I'd go through this endless pain again if it meant having another baby with Edward. But I knew I'd never get the chance. And for all things considered, I was okay with that.
"Did you say something?" Edward asked suddenly, pulling me from my reverie. His voice sounded confused.
He turned and stared up at me, and I stared back. His face was bewildered, too, causing my expression to mirror his.
"Me? I didn't say anything."
He hesitated for a second and dropped my hand, and then turned around and balanced on his knees to he could look directly down on me. His face was as intense as ever, but it a much different way. It wasn't harsh and depressing, it was just focused.
"What are you thinking about right now?"
I stared at him blankly. "Nothing. What's going on?"
He narrowed his eyes slightly and pursed his lips. I vaguely noticed that Jake was watching us, and he looked just as confused as me. Rosalie stood a ways behind him, holding my glass with one hand and raising her eyebrows.
"What were you thinking about a minute ago?" Edward asked, catching my attention again.
"Just…Esme's island," I admitted, blushing. "And feathers."
His gaze softened noticeably, and he whispered, "Say something else."
"Like what?" I was beyond perplexed by this point. "Edward, what's going on?"
He didn't answer, but what he did next shocked me. I saw Jake's face, and heard Rose gasp, and knew that they were just as staggered as I was.
Hesitating again, he reached forward and very lightly put his hands on both sides of my stomach. His expression was now one of wonder, and disbelief; the same look he would always give me when we first started dating. I couldn't imagine what would give him that same feeling now.
"The f-" He paused, swallowing. "It…the baby likes the sound of your voice."
There was a single beat of total silence. Nothing registered; no one breathed. Then what he'd said hit me.
"Holy crow, you can hear him!" I shouted, startled again. In the next moment I winced as a sharp pain struck me.
Edward's hand moved to the top of my stomach, and he gently rubbed the spot where the baby had kicked me.
"Shh," he murmured. "You startled it…him."
My eyes widened and I carefully patted my side before placing my hand over Edward's. "Sorry, baby."
His eyes narrowed again, fully concentrated, as he tilted closer and tried to hear.
"What's he thinking now?" I asked, unable to contain my excitement.
"It…he or she, is…" He raised his head and stared straight into my eyes, his own eyes wide and filled with awe, even if it was lesser and slightly grudging. "He's happy," he whispered incredulously.
My breath caught in the back of my throat as an unexpected flood of emotions ran through me. A strong warmth passed from my fingertips to the rest of my body, and before I could help it, I was crying. A smile spread across my lips as I stared at Edward, and he smiled back. A real, solid smile. The first one I'd seen in far too long.
"Of course you're happy, pretty baby, of course you are," I beamed as I rubbed my stomach. "How could you not be, all safe and warm and loved? I love you so much, little EJ, of course you're happy."
"What did you call him," Edward asked curiously.
I blushed again, realizing that I'd never shared my little secret. "I sort of named him," I admitted, biting my lip. "I didn't think you would want…well, you know."
"EJ?"
"Your father's name was Edward, too," I reminded him.
"Yes, it was," he agreed, nodding slightly. "What-?"
He paused and closed his eyes, and when he opened them there was no trace of reluctance left. Only the same overwhelming warmth that I felt. "Hmm."
"What?" I asked tentatively.
"He likes my voice, too."
My smile widened, if that was possible. Edward deserved this happiness after all that he'd been through. I was glad that at least for now, I could give it to him.
"Of course he does," I said adamantly. "You have the most beautiful voice in the universe. Who wouldn't love it?"
"Do you have a backup plan?" Rosalie asked then, leaning over the back of the couch. I'd almost forgotten she was here, and now as I looked up at her she had the same look of wonder on her face. And perhaps a big of smugness. "What if he's a she?"
I wiped the back of my hand under my eyes, clearing away my tears so I could see better. Personally, I had a strong feeling that my nudger was a boy; in fact I refused to believe anything but that. I'd visualized my little Edward enough to have him memorized to perfection. But at the same time, the idea of a little girl with long flowing hair and big black-lashed eyes warmed my heart just the same. Either way, our child would be beautiful, and perfect.
"I kicked a few things around," I told Rose, shrugging slightly. "Playing with Renée and Esme. I was thinking…Ruh-nez-may."
"Ruhnezmay?"
"R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e," I said, unsure. "Too weird?"
"No, I like it," she assured me, leaning closer. "It's beautiful. And it's one of a kind, so that fits."
"I still think he's an Edward." I glanced over at the namesake, but he was staring off in a daze. "What? What's he thinking?"
He didn't answer at first, but then he leaned forward and laid his ear gently against my stomach, shocking me again.
"He loves you," he whispered. "He absolutely adores you."
An even more potent wave of warmth and bliss washed over me, the force of it nearly knocking me back against the couch. Tears filled my eyes again, and I knew I wouldn't be able to speak if I'd wanted to.
I grabbed Edward's hand and entwined my fingers with his, before bringing our hands to the baby. I was completely oblivious to anyone besides the three of us; we were our own little family within our much larger family.
But suddenly Jake jumped to his feet and I was brought back to reality. I took one look at his face, and part of the warmth resonating from inside me hardened over into jagged ice. Edward and Rose were watching him, too, and I was surprised to see the anguish on the former's face as he watched my best friend struggle to survive the pain that so blatantly tortured him.
"Ahh," he gasped in a choked voice, ripping his hand from mine and jumping up himself. I watched as he dashed to a small end table on the opposite side of the room, yanking the drawer open and pulling something out. It flashed in the light, and I saw what it was – car keys.
He tossed them to Jake and he caught them reflexively, his face still looking like a caged animal; desperate for an escape.
"Go, Jacob," Edward told him, giving him what he wanted. "Get away from here."
Jake met my eyes for the briefest second, and then he turned on his heel and ran out the door. I looked at the empty spot where, just a second ago, he'd been sitting, and was hit by a crippling sense of desolation. Even the surge of pleasure from my baby couldn't bring me peace. I glanced at my husband and frowned, creasing my eyebrows. This cycle of pain was never going to end, was it?
(A/N:) This chapter is ridiculously overdue, and it's ridiculously short because the chapter in the book is ridiculously short. Apologies to any readers I may still have; I've been majorly slacking and working on a ton of other stuff...including a new story that I'll begin posting chapters to in a few weeks :D Anway, sorry again. Please review! One chapter left and then you can pick up Breaking Dawn to finish where it left off :)
--Steph