Disclaimer: I still do not own Hellsing, just in case anyone has forgotten. I also do not own the following insane ideas. Someone else came up with them. I merely found them on the internet, wikipedia even. I do not know (or care) if they are 100% correct.
Date Seven: Mason the Paranoid
After Alex, Integra was positively ecstatic to see a man waiting for her at the next table. She gave him an awkward wave, but he wasn't looking. His eyes followed a fly circling the room, looking for the remains of dinner. Integra sat down anyway. Her date didn't seem to notice.
The Hellsing director coughed, ever so softly to gently notify him of her presence. Still, the man across from her seemed oblivious. She followed it up with a louder cough, and another, and another, each increasing in volume like the crescendo of an orchestra. It was of no avail. It began to sound as if she was dying of influenza, yet she was past the point of no return. Summoning all her strength into her diaphragm, Integra gave the loudest fake cough that she was capable of.
The entire restaurant fell deathly silent as all eyes turned to the Hellsing director. Integra felt like that unfortunate soul with uncomfortable bowels who unleashed a massive fart during a moment of silence in honor of the dead.
Graceful as ever, Master, a snide voice in the back of her head chuckled.
She sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck, cheeks on fire. "Sorry," she whispered.
That one word did what no amount of fake coughing could, alerting her date to her existence. He started so violently that he actually fell from his chair. The stares intensified. "When did you get here?" he gasped, still on the floor. "Damn teleportation…"
"About two minutes ago," she sighed. She abandoned her seat and helped the poor man up. He mumbled his thanks as his eyes again locked onto a target: her wrist.
"But where is your teleportation bracelet?" he demanded.
Integra sincerely hoped he was joking, but the earnest expression he wore made her doubtful. "The aliens took it…" she jested nervously.
"Those slimy Yerg!" he growled, slamming his fist on the table.
You attract the most interesting gentlemen, Alucard laughed.
I'm beginning to wish I repelled the entire sex.
The blonde woman took the comment silently, instead taking the opportunity to return to her seat. Her date did the same. He then leaned in and whispered, "I like your skin."
Integra involuntarily shuddered.
Judging from your previous dates, he probably wants to make a coat out of it.
"Thank… you…" Integra replied, now a little scared.
"The untrained masses will never guess your true form," he whispered again.
"Then how did you guess?" she whispered back.
He pointed to his bespectacled eyes. "Your companions gave them to me."
I wasn't aware that I had companions…
Then what do you consider me, Master? Alucard wondered.
At the moment, annoying.
"My true form…?" She couldn't stop herself from asking.
Brilliant. Encouraging the nutcase, the vampire mocked.
What else am I going to do for the next ten minutes?
What are you going to do when he starts measuring your skin for his new coat?
Isn't that what I keep you around for?
Last time I checked, I was confined to this infernal basement. It's rather difficult to protect you from here.
Fine. You can leave if - and only if - I am in danger.
Good. Now tell him you're a yordle or whatever.
Why on Earth would I provoke the delusional man?
What else are you going to do for the next ten minutes?
"How could my companions get such a gift to you?" she inquired, trying to keep from smiling. "They are imprisoned by those American dogs at the place they call… Area 51."
"I knew it!" the crazed man gasped. "The legendary prison!"
I thought it was some military science facility, Alucard pondered.
Some nutters believe the Americans are hiding aliens there, but their military claims that it's just a research facility, like you said.
"Exactly!" Integra agreed. "We need to help them escape."
"I don't know… we can't trust those military types."
"Why?"
This answer is going to be stupid, isn't it? Alucard groaned.
I expect no less.
"They've been planning all sorts of terrorist attacks for the Anunnaki."
"The Anunnaki?" Integra asked skeptically.
"You were the one who warned us humans of them!"
"I'm testing your knowledge. Now tell me what you know of the Annunnunnki." She stumbled of the pronunciation of the ridiculous alien race.
"The Anunnaki?" her date verified.
"Yes. Them."
"Well they're lizard people who feed off of our fear, guilt, and aggression. They want to steal Earth's precious metals to make themselves better at trans-dimensional travel and shapeshifting. Oh! And they've killed our top politicians and shapeshifted into their forms so they can control our politics."
Whatever he's on, I want some, Alucard demanded. It would sure liven things up down here in my lonely basement of solitude. Where I'm by myself. And no one visits.
Yes, yes. I'll visit your basement more often. Seriously though, his eyes aren't bloodshot. I think he's actually this crazy.
You humans are ridiculous creatures, but this… this is unbelievable.
"And the Annunaki bred with the Nordics to create a race of human slave masters, the Aryans."
Aliens caused the Holocaust. He has to be kidding.
He's just so… earnest, Integra protested. I think he actually believes it.
Can I eat him?
No! Although it might benefit the human race…
Integra's curiosity got the better of her. She had another question. "And what of my race? Tell me what you know of us."
"You are one of the Anchara, and you inhabit the moon. You built it as a base to observe the planet that was once between Mars and Jupiter."
Gee, and I always thought it was made of cheese, the vampire snickered.
That might be more realistic…
"You battled for control over it with the Atlanteans and drove them from the solar system," the nutcase continued.
"Tell me one thing, kid," Integra interrupted. "Your name."
He looked at her hesitantly, as if names held no value.
"Names give us power over you. They let us speak directly into your mind," the blonde woman clarified.
How very original, Alucard sneered telepathically.
Ignoring the vampire, she continued on. "It will let us contact you, should we need the help of someone so… enlightened." It took loads of self-control not to laugh at the last word, but somehow Integra managed.
"You may call me Mason."
Mason? As in the Free Mason conspiracy? Integra seethed. His parents were crazy enough to name him after a delusional theory?!
Well, Master, the vampire smirked, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Weep for humanity. This was loosely based on real conspiracy theories that people actually believe. Alien Hitler was not my idea.