A Series of Strange Events

By: Drixia

Chapter Ten: Mall Madness!

Authoress' Note

Yay! I'm into the double digits now! :D

Once more thank you to anyone that reads, reviews, adds this to your favorites, alerts, and etcetera.

Much love, D.

Disclaimer

Naruto & Naruto Shippuden © Masashi Kishimoto – Meaning I do not, nor will I ever, own the Akatsuki

Also, I don't own anything you recognize

Rating

Rated T for language

Warning!

This fanfiction may contain spoilers if you aren't up to date with the manga. Just letting you know. Um… also, there will probably be A LOT of perverted/crude/morbid humor. Since, I find that humor…humorous. There may be mentioning of yaoi and yuri. So, if you aren't okay with that… block it out of your mind? I won't heavily be delving into it though, just dabbing light sprinkles on it. This is making me hungry so… Enjoy! – D.

POV –First Person

"BE QUIET!" I'm surprised Konan can yell so loud. It made me wince. Everyone stared at her as if she were a newly discovered species. I just started clapping, "Bravo."

I stopped clapping when the attention was turned to me.

With a sigh I drove up beside my mother's scion and rolled down Pein-sama's window, "Where do you want to meet up at?" I think Pein-sama was kind of mad that I was screaming over him, but eh. My mom yelled out of her window, "How 'bout in the fashion show mall's parking lot? We'll meet there? Just call me when you're there!"

I gave her thumbs up and drove on my way.

Of course the silence was killing me, so I plugged in my I-phone and hit the magical shuffle button. It made for an interesting trip. Since every now and then Deidara and Sasori would argue about which song was better, and then Tobi would pop into the argument.

Tobi was nosy about the meanings of songs too; especially the perverted songs.

"What does shut up and swallow mean?" Immediately everyone looked at me. I could feel their eyes burning holes in my soul.

"When someone's giving someone else fellatio and they cum; then they're commanded to 'shut up' and 'swallow it'." I feel like a pervert. Well, I am a pervert so I guess its okay.

"So you must get around, yeah." I glanced over my shoulder to glare at Deidara, "And you must be a sheltered virgin, yeah." I like to be mean to Deidara. I haven't got to be fully rude to him lately though. I bet he feels neglected.

"You are both being childish," I like listening to the monotonous tone of Sasori's voice.

"Well I am considered a child until eighteen; therefore I'm just being normal. Deidei is being the childish one."

"Don't call me by that ridiculous name. I am Dei-da-ra. And I'm not being childish. You're being childish, un!" I glared at the road. "Stop being a baby Deidei-kun!" I'm going to annoy this blonde until he implodes.

Then I'll make Sasori clean up the mess.

"Deidei-sempai," I heard a familiar hyper voice sing, "Deidei-sempaaaaaii!"

THWACK!

"OW! What was that for Deidei-sempai?"

THWACK!

"Stop being a brat." I'm glad Sasori is back there to keep the peace

"But Danna -!"

"No buts."

I giggled quietly. They're so cute. I noticed a hot ginger staring at me. I raised an eyebrow, "What?" He sighed, "Why are you giggling to yourself?" I would rather not answer that.

"I'm giggling because I'm a girl, and sometimes I get the urge to giggle. This time I embraced it."

There, not an entire lie.

"Does Konan-san giggle too? Tobi is curious." I resisted the urge to slam my face in the steering wheel; since that would kill us all. Actually, that might not be a horrible idea.

"Don't ask stupid questions Tobi. Of course she does, yeah."

"What did you just say?" Her tone was ice cold. I think the whole temperature in here dropped to below zero. "I-I nothing un," So Deidara is a bit afraid of Konan. I will file that little tidbit of information into my secret vault.

"Are we there yet?" You did not just ask that.

"I'm not dignifying that with a response," In your swirly orange face!

"What is there to do at this…strip?" That makes me want to picture Sasori stripping. "Um…well, there are artists down there. There's people that dress up down there too, and lots of places to shop."

Oh how I love shopping. Well, not really, but I do enjoy spending money. I wish Kakuzu were in my car now. He could've been my BFF.

Oh well.

TIME SKIP

We finally got into the parking garage at the fashion show mall. I parked and dialed my mom, "Hey! Meet at the Apple store? Okay." My lovely group and I then went to wait for the elevator.

"What is this thing?"

"That's what she said," I stopped laughing when Pein-sama shot me a glare, "I-I mean…it's a magical mechanical contraption that gets you to and fro vertically." I have no clue how to explain an elevator, other than, 'horrifyingly closed-space death machine.'

The 'ding' sounded and we piled in. I hit the magic button and we began our trip.

"I'm feeling more and more thankful that I brought you five."

"Why is that?"

"Well Sasori-san, that is because none of you are fat. Actually, Deidei-kun is fat."

SLAP!

"Did you just slap me?" I glared at him with a hand against my burning cheek. He looked quite smug. I plan to wipe it off his face with a piece of sand paper.

We finally got out of the elevator, much to my relief, and immediately they all stopped to gauche at everything around them. It must have been overwhelming. I mean, first the buildings on the strip are huge, and now they're in the biggest mall in Vegas (in my opinion).

"Come on, you can stare when we get to the Apple store," with that I led my group of oddballs to our destination. Pein-sama was walking beside me, since he's the leader and he wanted to lead, but he can't since he doesn't know where to go. It makes perfect sense.

"Can Tobi get a green apple at the Apple store?" I just about fell to the floor in laughter, "No!" I stifled another burst of giggles, "The Apple store sells electronics like the laptop I have at home and this," I pulled out my I-Phone and showed them all.

"So it is a communication device?" I nodded, "We should obtain a few." Hell no. "They're really expensive so…no. Maybe I'll get you guy's pagers." Pagers are cheaper. I don't know where to buy them, but I'll get one per two people.

"Rachel!" My mom screamed and waved her hand at me. I sighed at her hyper demeanor and jogged up to her, "Hey mom."

"This place is very beautiful," I looked at Sasori weirdly. I've never considered this place 'beautiful' before.

"Eh, it's alright, yeah," Deidara received an emotionless glare. How? I don't know, but apparently Sasori can be emotionless and show emotion at the same time.

"So what is our reason for being here?" Apparently Pein-sama doesn't have a single spontaneous bone in his body.

"I'm here for shoes," Oh. So this was my mom's plan the entire time. Well, I knew she wanted shoes, but still. I can act surprised even if I already knew it was happening.

"I'm here for…money?"

Kakuzu looked at me, "Where is the money?"

I shrugged, "Outside."

"Let's go then," He started to walk off in a random direction, "Wait!" He stopped, "You don't know where you are. You can't just wander, aimlessly." I swear I saw him roll his eyes at me, but at least he stayed still.

I noticed there were quite a few people were walking by and staring intently at the Akatsuki; especially Zetsu, Kisame, and Kakuzu.

One person even did the nice guy pose and screamed, "Great cosplays!" Well, they do look exactly how they look in the anime/manga, but they are wearing normal clothes. So I suppose it'd be casual cosplay.

"What the fuck did you just –" I covered Hidan's mouth with my hand, which was incredibly hard; he's like he friendly giant, minus the friendly part. I laughed nervously as even more people stared at our strange little group.

"Ow!" I cradled my hand against my chest, "You asshole! You bit me!"

"You had your fuckin' hand on my mouth, bitch!" I glared at him, "Because we don't need to get into any fights in the mall. So stop fuckin' cussing and yelling!"

I swear if my mother hadn't stepped in between us I would've launched myself at that Jashinist and scratched his eyes out.

"You both need to shut the fuck up before I go medieval on your asses!" I just shrunk behind Itachi. Until I realized who it was, then I shrunk behind Zetsu. He will either protect me, or eat me; hopefully in the good way.

"Now," My mom smiled as if she hadn't just screamed in a crowded mall, "Konan can come with me, and you can babysit everyone else!" I just stared at her with my mouth gapping open. I bet I looked like a goldfish.

"You can't just leave me with all the men!" This has to be child abuse or something.

"Well Konan needs some girl stuff and I figured since you love hot guys you'd be fine babysitting them," She smiled an evil smile. She is on my hit list now.

I just frowned, "Okay then."

Not like I have a lot of options right now.

Once Konan and my mother were out of sight I decided to set up some ground rules. "So if anyone asks about your appearance, just say you're cosplayers. And that your names are 'confidential'." I looked around and noticed the large amount of women eyeing them, "If girls try to ask you out, just say you're gay, or in Pein-sama's case: you have a girlfriend. Unless the girl is cute, then you can give her phone number to me."

I was only half-joking about that last part.

Some of the guys seemed kind of pissed off about the 'gay' comment. I don't see why. It's a perfectly good explanation.

Then I thought of something to make my favorite blonde mad, "In your case I'd say turn the guys away unless you swing that way." I could pretty much see the anime vein pulsating on his head. His eyes narrowed in anger, "What does the mean, hmm?"

"I think you know. Unless you're stupid of course," He growled and clenched his fists. I sure hope he doesn't attempt to punch me; although I would definitely deserve it.

"Do not cause a scene," I practically jumped in the air when I heard him speak. Itachi never talks. It's like he's taken a vow of silence, but here he is; speaking.

"You just spoke!" I'm rude. I both screamed that really loud, and I pointed.

He just uttered his, "Hn," and turned away.

I sighed and smiled like a Cheshire cat, "Come on!" I grabbed Kisame's hand and began to run toward the Apple store we were standing in front of.

Kisame is of course a boulder, so I had to beg him to come.

"Please hurry up Kisame!" Then I received a flick in my forehead, "Kisame-san." I glared at my assaulter. "Sasori-san, do I have to use honorifics all the time?" I received a nod. I'm going to rape that redhead with a knife.

I released Kisame and continued on my way to a big Mac computer.

"Everyone get into formation!" They just gave me blank looks.

I sighed and moved them all into the proper places, "Stay there and smile." I knew none of them would listen to the smile part, but eh.

The magic button was clicked, and the countdown commenced.

"What was that, hmm?" I smiled, "It's a camera. It takes your picture. We're going to take pictures so I can email them to myself." Pein-sama raised an eyebrow, "Is that truly wise?" I shrugged, "Probably not, but its okay. I'm only keeping the pictures for my own amusement."

That was a lie. I fully intended to upload them to Facebook later; if I remembered.

MINI TIME SKIP

So after taking a dozen more pictures and emailing them to myself we traveled to my favorite store.

"What the fuck is this place?" A lot of parents shot him glares while maneuvering their children away from our group. "This is the magical store known as 'Build-a-Bear'," I scanned all the possible animals I could make.

"Tch. You are a kid, yeah." I picked up a bear and threw it in Deidara's face. He caught it with a glare, "I am a ninja." I mocked him, "I am a ninja." He threw it back at me, but I'm no ninja, so it hit me right in the face…when my mouth was open.

I got a mouth full of fur.

"Hey if you throw anymore toys I'm calling security!"

"We'll throw whatever the fuck we want, you cocksucker!"

"I wish you wouldn't cause a scene. It's grating on my nerves."

I smiled nervously at Zetsu and turned toward Hidan, "Please be quiet."

I apologized to the poor employee, and then it was onward to another adventure.

We headed toward Hot Topic, my second favorite store.

"Now this place is fucking great," I smiled in victory. Finally a place he likes.

"Tobi wants this!" I looked at the jacket in his arms, then at the price tag, and sighed, "I'm not buying you an eighty dollar coat. It's hot here, you don't need it." His head sunk low. It was almost a sad sight; almost.

"Can I get these, yeah?" I looked at the fingerless gloves and then at his hands. I could see their pink tongues licking the gloves. It gave me Goosebumps. "I want hand mouths," He stared at me strangely, "Just imagine all the dirty things I could do with them." His eye twitched, and I swear I saw a blush appear across his cheeks.

"T-that's not what they're there for, un!" I giggled at his flushed face.

I grabbed the gloves from his hands and proceeded to go to the cash register. I paid for them and collected the other Akatsuki members, and technically one subordinate.

"Here," I gave the bag to Deidara. He promptly took the gloves out and tossed the bag on the floor. I sighed at his carelessness. I picked up his trash and threw it away muttering, "Litter bug."

Once I got back to the group I noticed something, "Hidan…san," I corrected myself when I encountered a Sasori glare.

"Where did you get that?" He didn't have a Jashin pendant before.

"From that store we just left. Don't be a stupid bitch," I ignored the 'stupid bitch' comment and sighed, "You stole it?"

"Well I sure as hell didn't pay for it."

My frown intensified, "You can't do that here!" I was of course ignored, but its okay. Stealing isn't as bad as mass murder.

At least in my mind it isn't.

"Let's go in there," I turned and stared with an open mouth. Of course Kisame would suggest Victoria's Secret. "Hell yeah," I was mortified in seeing Hidan, Kisame, Tobi, and Deidara go inside.

"Come back here!" I was promptly ignored, no surprise there.

Well time to turn to drastic measures, "You three go get your partners!" Pein-sama decided he wanted a rest, so he went and sat down on a bench next to the store. Zetsu remained standing beside Pein-sama.

Sasori and Kakuzu wasted no time in going after their partners though. Itachi, however, remained planted in place.

"Itachi-san," I poked his arm, "Go after Kisame-san."

He remained motionless. So I sighed and grabbed his arm with a wince. I was mentally chanting, 'stay strong, stay strong. You can do this, you can do this.'

"Let's go Itachi-san," I pretty much dragged him inside (1). He sort of let me though, I mean, without him letting me pull him I never would've got him to move an inch.

I continued pulling Itachi like a wagon when suddenly I heard a scream come from the fitting rooms. I winced and began running.

"Hidan," I gasped. He was peeping on girls from the bottom of the rooms. I released Itachi and slapped the back of his head. "Get the fuck up and stop that," luckily Kakuzu showed up to drag (and nag) him before he could yell back at me.

I turned to the poor bra-clad woman, "Please excuse my…uncle. He's 'special' and doesn't understand a lot." She was actually a very nice woman, "Oh its okay. At least it was a hot man instead of a creepy old one."

I looked at her with wide eyes. That was too much information.

"Okay…Let's go get Kisame," I nudged Itachi.

We began walking toward the panty section, where we spotted a familiar blue man. "You get him," I looked around, "I'll find Tobi!"

It didn't take long for me to find him…groping a bra wearing manikin. "Stop doing that," I practically hissed at him. He just continued to grope. My eye twitched, "Tobi!" He turned toward me, "What Rachel-chan?" I sighed.

"Let's leave?" He stomped his foot, "but Tobi wants to stay here!"

We are not going to start this.

"Tobi…come here, now!" I pointed to the flooring beside me. He simply crossed his arms and yelled, "No!" I mock gasped, "Tobi…you're being a bad boy…and bad boys don't get toys, or candy!"

Well, that worked.

He ran and tackled me, "Tobi is sorry!" I gasped in pain. I still have a major bruise, and he knows that; bastard.

"Tobi," Wow. Itachi is saving me today? "We have to go now." I was released and pushed myself off the ground with a wince, "Ow."

"Thank you Itachi-san," I even bowed a little. Hmm, maybe Itachi isn't so bad after all? I mean, he's still scary, just not as much.

We three walked out of the store to see our whole group was there, minus the two other women. I decided to see what they were up to.

To: Mom

Hey, where'd you and Konan go?

Want to meet up so we can walk the strip?

Xoxo

I sat down on the floor in front of Zetsu.

It didn't take long for my mom to reply.

From: Mom

Hey hun! Konan and I are in Nordstrom. We just got her some super cute clothes! I got two pairs of shoes too.

Love you!

I informed her that we'd be there soon and announced it to my group. Then we headed out.

TIME SKIP

"You have…five bags," I can't believe they bought so much. My mom smiled sheepishly, "There was a sale."

I frowned, "We aren't made of money you know." My mom hung her head, ashamed. I pet her head, "I forgive you." She swatted my hand away.

I moved over to Konan and whispered, "Did you get any cute 'outfits' for you know who?" She turned an adorable shade of pink, much to my amusement. I giggled, "You're so cute." She gave me a look that said, 'I am not. I am evil!' Konan is ninety-nine percent cute, and one percent evil.

"Let's put these in the car and start our trek to the miracle mile shops?" I nodded my head in approval to my mom's question.

TIME SKIP

"OMG IT'S ITACHI!"

I felt bad for the Akatsuki. They were being swarmed by rabid fangirls (and fanboys). I just stayed by the sidelines with a look of shock on my faces.

"They accept tips!" I grinned at my mother. She comes up with the best ideas.

"Let the fuck go!"

"Release me, before I decide to snack on you."

"Stop that, un!"

I stifled a laugh as I watched them stand there awkwardly, accepting the fact that they couldn't kill anyone with so many witnesses around.

After a good hour of standing on the street and collecting free money (2), torturing the Akatsuki by allowing them to be hugged, and melting in the sun, we made our way to the miracle mile shops. We had a good two-hundred bucks on us; well, half on my mom, half on Kakuzu.

"So you're good at gambling, hmm?" My mom is beginning to sound like Deidara.

"Rae," She called to me, "I'm going to borrow Kakuzu for awhile."

I noticed that Sasori said nothing to her about the 'honorifics'. I gave him a horrified look, "What is wrong with you?" He raised an eyebrow, "She is not required to use honorifics." I frowned, "That's not fair!" He shrugged, "Life is not fair."

My frown turned into a glare.

"Let's go find Urban Outfitters," I always got lost in these shops; since it's in a big giant circle.

We wandered, passing the stripping food place. The same four perverts stopped to stare, except they were joined by a fifth; me. Actually, I'm pretty sure Zetsu is standing beside me, drooling. Of course, it could be my imagination. Oh, look. The hot redheaded dancer is wearing a black thong. She's also wearing a skimpy school girl outfit.

I'm so glad we decided to come here.

"I love redheads," I mumbled to myself while watching the hot redhead swing around the pole.

JAB

"Ow!" I glared at another hot redhead, "What was that for?" Sasori actually glared at me, "We have a schedule to keep."

I stuck my tongue out and began walking again. Sasori managed to get the other five perverts out of their dazes too.

POV –Third Person

DING, DING, DING!

"You won again!" Staci shouted in glee. Kakuzu simply smirked, "These machines are bit different than the ones in the hidden villages, but easy all the same." (3)

"You've doubled your money! We're definitely heading to the poker table next," Staci was pumped. She'd never won at slots or card games before; at least, not won this much.

After a few more hours, Kakuzu had successfully won at slots, card games, roulette, and etcetera.

He held many large wads of cash by the time they decided to leave, "I texted Rae. She said we'll meet up near the exit." Kakuzu nodded and handed her one wad of cash, "What's this for?" She looked at him in confusion.

"For our expenses," She thanked him.

Then the two of them went to meet with their group.

TIME SKIP

POV –First Person

We finally got home in the late afternoon. I was completely exhausted. Not only that, but I didn't even get to buy anything for myself. That's just plain sad.

I looked around from my spot on the couch.

Kakuzu was counting all his money on the dining room table. I shivered, remembering the body that was there not too long ago.

Hidan was holding his pendant, mumbling something to Jashin-sama.

Itachi and Sasori were both reading books.

Tobi/Madara was…upstairs. I assume he's assaulting my poor laptop, since it's still in his procession.

Konan and Pein-sama were also upstairs…doing something; wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Zetsu was outback…again. He should really just be our gardener.

Kisame was watching Transformers, and he was eyeing my woman. I have claimed Meghan Fox. She is mine. How dare he ogle her?

Finally there was Deidara. He was not only watching TV, but playing with some of my sculpting clay. I didn't really sculpt, but I kept artsy stuff in my room in case I got the urge.

I yawned.

"I'm going to bed," I informed my mom. She nodded and blew me a kiss, "Love you honey." I told everyone downstairs, "Goodnight." All I received were nods of acknowledgment from Kakuzu, Deidara and Sasori. I was completely ignored by Hidan, and Itachi said, "Hn." Kisame was the only one who said goodnight back.

He's my new favorite.

I went up the stairs and into my bedroom. I changed into some pajamas and cuddled in my warm sheets. I went to sleep with a smile on my face that night. Maybe the Akatsuki aren't too bad.

Das End

Authoress' Note 2

So I was contemplating starting up another story, but no worries! This one will not be abandoned. :D Just letting you know. So keep your eye out. ;)

Also, I'm sorry for all the 'Time skips' but if they weren't there, there'd be a lot of boring writing.

I added an Itachi moment so all you Itachi fangirls would be sated. Lol I'll try to keep the moments with Akatsuki members even.

And keep reviewing! I'm addicted to reviews. XD

PS. The Akatsuki will become kittens again, in the next chapter actually.

Much love, D.

Other Notes

1. ItachiProdigy suggested this. :D Thank you!

2. Suggested by .L (: Love you!

3. Suggested by XxDarkSarcasm1010xX =^_^= Thanks!