Chapter 10: Wheels in Motion

Some things are better left unsaid. Sometimes you don't have to know everything. Science isn't always about finding the precise details of every single object in the known universe and some outside of it. It's about knowing when to stop, when enough is enough. It's knowing when to draw the proverbial line and say that no more needed to be found. She shouldn't have seen the video.

Nausea curled in her gut, twisting its thick fingers around her stomach and squeezing convulsively. Her head was spinning and her hands felt heavy no matter how hard she tried to forget the footage she had just been privy to. She should have clicked away, tapped the mouse over that little x in the corner and that would have been it. So she would have been craving to know still, wanting to find out because she was nosy, curious, but she would not feel like this. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe that was what was making her feel so sick; a deep seated fear spreading like poison through her body, clawing tendrils ripping her apart because she shouldn't have seen it. But all the same, if she had not seen the tape, would she have stopped when Carter refused to explain? Or would she have kept pushing, and ultimately found out another way? Still, it had to be better than finding out like this.

She should have so many questions – why did she and Jack break up? How did she and Mckay end up together? What had they had to go through to get Lexy cleared charges she was too young to pay for? – But she didn't. They were small in comparison, insignificant. They didn't matter because she knew more than she should. The siege wasn't just another attack on the base, it was worse.

War was something she was painfully familiar with. She'd flown in the Gulf. She'd spent a good portion of her life out in the field, a gun strapped to her chest and her thigh, a knife in her boot. She'd taken lives in the name of her planet, her country and her friends and watched lives be taken in front of her but this… this was different. It wasn't just a war, or a battle, and massacres; this was about a child, a little girl corrupted and used to turn her home into a slaughterhouse.

Adria was evil. They were well aware of the fact, and the term 'evil' sounded childish and almost Disney in such an over-simplified description but it was true all the same. However none of them had assumed she would stoop so low as to use her sister to achieve her means, they probably should have guessed it really but the Orisi's weakness in regards to her mother made them sloppy, thinking that blood meant more to Adria than universal-domination. How wrong they had all been.

What was the hardest, Sam found, was that there was no one to blame. Lexy had been a child, six years old, and her hero-worship of Mckay had not apparently dwindled even now; the girl echoing her idol's moves was simply her way of helping. No one would ever know if it were Lexy who had remembered the four-digit over-ride protocol, or if it was Adria implanting the numbers into her head; it didn't matter really. Daniel and Vala were her parents, as devastated as the rest of them, if not more so, guilt would have been roaring in their heads, grasping at their chests because Daniel always blamed himself, eight years working alongside Jack hadn't changed that, why would anything else? And Vala was Adria's mother, no matter how hard she tried to escape the fact.

Sheppard had done what he had to. He hadn't liked it; the expression on his face in the video had been more than a testament to that because for all they fought for Adria, her soldiers were not evil as she was, simply brain washed and they did not deserve to die, but they had, had to. Sheppard had ordered the warheads be deployed in self defence. Despite what some people may think, not all members of the military were happy-go-lucky with their trigger fingers, and nuclear warfare was always the last resort. She sympathized with the now-General greatly for doing what he had. The video, despite the horrors it revealed, explained many more things that had been bugging her as well. The withdrawn, cool exterior of her counterpart, the darkness that haunted Sheppard's eyes and the tense movements of the man whenever he was forced to recollect the dreaded day that would be imprinted on Sam's mind forever no matter if it happened in her own timeline or not, and she sincerely prayed for the latter.

She dare not contemplate Isobel and Mckay more than a swift glimpse over the surface, terrified of what else would be stirred up alongside such thoughts. It would mean too much hurt, too much heartache to think about it, and with her biological clock ticking the way it had been for several years now, the prospect of dealing with a miscarriage that had not even happened yet was something she was not sure she could cope with; she admired her older self for surviving it the way she had.

Lexy stood in the women's locker room, staring at herself in the mirror. Her damp hair hung about her shoulders haphazardly and lighter tendrils were spiralling around her cheeks as they dried in the artificial air the complex circulated through the mountain interior.

Her eyes were a bright, piercing blue, framed with the light make-up she had applied in the aftermath of her shower. Her skin flushed from the heat of the water. She frowned at her reflection, tidy blonde-brown eyebrows knitting together in a thin line across her forehead as they furrowed in minor disgust. It was impossible to escape it and she hated the fact that no matter what she did, she would always be reminded of memories she would rather forget, faces she wished she could not see in her own; running to another galaxy and back again had not changed that.

The thin chain hanging around her neck appeared to be silver, but she knew it wasn't, some alien alloy the Asguard had utilized to construct the seemingly ineffectual piece of jewellery many years ago. The pendant on the end of the chain was simple enough; a ring approximately the size of a quarter-dollar with a small stone set into the centre, appearing black save for those rare occasions that a light bright enough to penetrate the gem revealed it to be a deep blood red. Her fingers hovered over the clasp, and not for the first time, she was struck by a rebellious urge to remove the necklace, seconds later though, rationality broke through and she lowered her hands; it was not worth the risk.

It had been ten years since she was gifted with the pendant. Ten years since she had lived even a minute without it on. Her ticket out of spending the rest of her life in confinement; the three months that she had been subjected too as the Asguard raced to find a way to prevent Adria ever regaining access to her sister's thoughts was more than enough and despite what everyone around her, both at the time, and now thought, Lexy had been more than aware of what was going on. The poorly constructed façade that had been erected in lieu of anything else had been temporary even as they had all been faced with the prospect of permanence that had loomed on the horizon. She had been six, not stupid.

She blinked, sighing when the image in front of her did not change; instead she reached inside her locker, opting for glasses instead of contact lenses; if she had to be forced to see things she did not want to, she figured she may as well see them in focus.

"Thought I might find you in here," Carter said as she stepped inside the only puddle-jumper currently on Earth; the soft glow the walls emitted was more than enough indicator that someone with the ancient gene was nearby.

It would not give the teen enough credit to say that she jumped for Lexy did not turn away from the controls as she ran routine diagnostics despite the fact she knew full well she should not be in the jumper without supervision anyway, simply made a vague noise of acknowledgement.

Aware she was treading on thin ground, but grateful that she was able to avoid her doppelganger's questions for the time being, she tentatively stepped further into the ancient space craft, hesitating when for some reason the machine let out a barely audible hum that sounded almost hostile; as if echoing the feelings of the occupant of the pilot's seat.

"How're you doing?" she asked, even though she knew it was pointless. Lexy was expert at avoiding questions, giving people the answers she thought people wanted just to get them to leave her alone; probably why she had taken such an instant liking to Mckay as a baby.

"I'm fine," Lexy answered curtly, shifting a control and commanding the HUD to jump into life at the same time, displaying a mass of miscellaneous data that the average scientist would balk at, but the girl simply glanced up, found what she needed and moved on.

Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional; Fine; iit seemed to describe them all. The arrival of SG1 from the past had certainly left them all shaken, even those who had known they would be coming ever since the letter had come through but for Lexy, the one who deserved to know perhaps most of all, had been unaware until she had been backed into a corner, and Carter knew all to well how bad an idea that was. Ever since her parent's deaths approaching Lexy had been like moving around a wild lion, careful and quiet, treading silent footsteps for fear she would run; they'd made that mistake once already. Lexy had been fine for seven years. The rest of them had been hovering over the proverbial knife edge, waiting for the other boot to drop.

"Listen…" Carter began and she wasn't sure where to go from there.

She understood why Lexy did not want to talk to these people who had appeared in their lives, claiming roles they had no right too like reckless intruders and it felt bizarre to watch the team interact as they once had, a long time ago. Before pain had destroyed their trust, betrayal had corrupted their souls, and death had ripped what was left of their hearts to shreds. So much was yet to come, so much change, and Carter found herself yearning for that time when they had been so blissfully ignorant of what they were yet to face, the trials they would have to overcome or work around, the losses they were yet to suffer. It was painful. It was perfect and she wanted it all back.

"Save it, Aunt Sam," Lexy snapped tonelessly.

Carter knew she should admonish the girl for her insolence, point out to her subtly that, that was no way to talk to her legal-guardian, but she could not bring herself to argue, it wasn't worth it. After everything, Lexy deserved some leeway, even if the voice in the back of her head was arguing that Lexy had, had more than enough chances, enough rules overlooked and misdemeanours disregarded because of who she was, and what she'd been through. Maybe that had been why she had left six years ago, because the lack of rules and regulations had been wearisome even for a ten-year-old.

"Have you tried talking to them?" she asked because it was a way of avoiding the conversation she did not want to have, either with her younger self or one about respect with her God-daughter.

"Why would I want to do that?" Lexy answered acerbically, sounding frighteningly like Mckay in her indignation; her tone declaring that she could not comprehend a reason why she should possibly need to do what Carter was suggesting.

"Because they're you parents," Carter said earnestly, and she knew as soon as she said it, it was the wrong thing to say.

Lexy turned her head, glaring at the blonde over the top frame of her glasses "no," her tone was clipped, "they're not,"

"Lexy please,"

"Just because they look like mom and dad, doesn't mean they are them. My parents died when I was nine. Those two people may be the Daniel and Vala Jackson of 2008, but there isn't a Mr. and Mrs. Jackson of 2024," she answered, the HUD shut down, flickering out of existence as Lexy realized she was not going to get any more work done.

"You might learn something," Carter tried, plausibly thinking that by appealing to her keen urge to acquire new knowledge she might get somewhere.

"Mom and dad can't just be replaced by a couple nearly ten years younger than I last remember them," a pained looked flickered across her face but she quickly schooled her expression and Carter hated the fact the girl had the ability to do that so young. "I'd rather stay out of the way until they leave – it's not like I could ever run out of things to do," she added sarcastically.

"Nobody would blame you if you did want to-"

"If I wanted to what?" Lexy got to her feet, ran her fingers through her now dry hair and put her hands on her hips, flesh peeking between her leather pants and military issue top, sleeves pushed to her elbows, it was as if she thought by rising to her grand height of five-foot-four she would managed to maintain some sort of power. "Go play happy families?" she snorted derisively, "I don't think so,"

"Oh stop it Lexy," Carter commanded shortly, growing weary of her obstinacy.

"What? Just because I don't want to pretend I'm living in some sort of fairytale where we all get a second chance, I'm being ridiculous?"

"I never said that,"

"You were thinking it," Lexy retorted stubbornly, moving to exit the small spacecraft.

"Lexy-"

"Aunt Sam," she said slowly, "there are more important things here than trying to sate the curiosity of two people I barely know,"

Carter sighed; reasoning with Lexy had always been difficult. Her father was stubborn to a fault; her mother hot-headed and just as mulish and spending five years living with Mckay probably did not help the fact. Nevertheless it had been so long since the girl had shown any true emotion; always in control, her movements measured and carefully considered and whilst rebellious, the only life she ever attempted to jeopardize was her own, and even then, it was carefully thought through her head before she instigated a task. The fact that her mind worked at twice the speed of the average person did not help to rid the image of a reckless teenager to many who came across her.

Something had to be done, it had been so long since anyone had mentioned Daniel and Vala's names, using them again sounded odd, and whilst no one had the right to necessarily force Lexy to talk to their visitors, someone had to do something to help her. They never should have instinctively prohibited mention of their names, stopped using them like it was taboo to refer to their lost friends. So it had hurt them, so they had choked on their words and had to blink back floods of tears, Lexy had been a child at the time; they should have let her know somehow that it was okay to think of her parents, to miss them and ask for them, to dream of her family and scream and cry when it all got to much; that it was normal. Instead they had been selfish in the aftermath, thinking only of themselves and their own pain and the subject had become lost and buried, thought about just not voiced for fear that someone would break, and God forbid they should lose anyone else.

Carter thought of Sam in her office, another name she had not heard uttered by anyone save for her ex-husband in years. The question had been innocent but if answered, would dredge up so much with it that Carter felt she would drown should she remember it all again.

"Who was Isobel?"

Her throat tightened as a thought struck her, and she was sincerely grateful that her voice did not catch as she spoke; "you coming home tonight? Or are you staying here?"

Previous topic forgotten, Lexy smiled, "depends whether or not you're cooking,"

Taking the joke for what it was, Carter was thankful for the momentary distraction,"your Uncle Jack wants a barbecue,"

"Count me in," the teen shrugged, smile dwindling but still there.

"I've got to go shopping for the steaks – feel like tagging along?" Carter hoped the deception in her tone was not obvious, her plan ad-hoc and very last minute as she improvised, playing with what she had and hoping that Lexy was distracted enough not to notice that her Godmother was so blatantly attempting to trick her into doing something she would never agree to otherwise.

Lexy looked momentarily torn but shrugged again; "why not?"

Carter's smile did not quite reach her eyes, but Lexy did not notice as she had already turned away "great," the older woman said, swallowing hard against the lump rising in her throat.

Next Chapter: Sam's question stirs up old memories for Carter and Lexy is faced with something she has successfully managed to avoid for years.