Chapter 10
Days of Shadow
Last time:
Daily Prophet 13 August 2013
The Daily Prophet was saddened to learn of the death of young Struan Snape of Hogsmeade in an accident on 12 August 2013. No details are available at this time, and we have been told the couple and their two children have gone into seclusion. The Snapes own Snape Apothecary in Hogsmeade, which will be closed until further notice.
Hermione pulled the packet back to her lap, stroking the withered newspaper announcement with her fingers. "These were written when Struan died." Hermione looked at the bundle for a long moment with pain in her face. "Oh, Lenni," Hermione blew out a breath. "I don't think I want to read them to you. They are very painful letters, and I haven't read them since they were written."
"I understand, Gran." Glennis put her arm around Hermione and pulled her into a comforting embrace. "How did it happen? I was told he drowned."
Hermione rested her head on Lenni's shoulder and looked into the fire. Although it had been decades, tears still came to her eyes; perhaps because Severus had just died and her usual control on her emotions was fragile. With a deep sigh, she answered: "It was August of 2013. The UK and all of Europe was in the middle of a terrible heat wave. We were working in the apothecary, and Severus suggested I take the children to Hogwarts to swim in the Black Lake. They were fretful because of the heat and their fighting was becoming a bit much for him. He said he'd join us after he closed up the shop.
"We were there for about an hour; the kids were having a grand time swimming and playing when Varina decided she wanted to climb that big rock near the lake; you know which one?" Hermione asked.
"Oh yes," Glennis replied nodding her head. "It was the best rock to sunbathe on because it was flat at the top."
"That's right. I asked Silas to stay near the shore with Struan so I could help her up. Silas was eight and very responsible for his age. I often asked him to keep an eye on the younger children for a few moments at a time when I had to do things out of their sight. Just as I was getting Varina to the top, Severus' crack of apparition startled her and she fell. She was pretty scraped up so I asked Severus to heal her while I went to make sure the boys were all right. They were still playing on the shore just wading ankle deep. I reminded them to go no farther in and returned to help Severus. It was taking longer than we expected because you know how it is; scrapes produce more blood than the actual injury, and Varina was fearful of the blood. Silas saw us tending her, and he came to see what happened.
"When I noticed Silas was with us, but not Struan I got up to find him. He was nowhere in sight. I called for Severus to help look for him, placing a confinement charm on Silas and Varina so they wouldn't wander off." Clenching her fists in her lap, Hermione hissed through her teeth, "How I wished I had done so for Silas and Struan….."
Hermione sobbed quietly for a few moments. Regaining her composure, she continued, "It was so scary. We hollered for Struan, and then I heard Severus scream in agony. I looked at him and then followed his gaze. There in the middle of the lake was Struan, floating face down. Severus threw himself into the water and swam out.
"I sent my Patronus to Minerva and Poppy Pomfrey and splashed in after Severus. He had reached Struan and was pulling him back to shore. I waited, waist deep in water, for them. In the meantime, Hagrid had come down as he had heard the commotion; I begged him to take the other children back to his hut, and he immediately complied. Severus pulled Struan onto the shore and began to chant incantations. I even tried Muggle resuscitation. Poppy finally arrived and despite all of our efforts, Struan would not breathe and his heart would not beat. Poppy had to stun Severus to stop him from further spells and incantations. It was no use."
The women sat in the sofa quietly. Only the sound of the quiet susurration of Poe's feathers as he cleaned and settled them back into place and the soft crackle of the fire could be heard in the stillness. Taking a deep breath, Hermione continued.
"The next months were hell for us. I don't even remember the funeral, I was in such shock. It was very hard for your great granddad. Struan was his boy; the only one of our children that took after him. Silas and Varina, while pale skinned, had my facial features, hair and eye colour. But Struan was a tiny Severus right down to the nose. The other children enjoyed being with their dad in the lab, but Struan followed Severus around like a puppy, playing with a toy cauldron and old ingredients in a way the others didn't. He was as introverted and introspective as his father. Silas felt guilty because he was supposed to watch his brother, so between dealing with Silas's grief and my own, things were very hard on us.
"But the letters...no, I don't want you to see them. As you know, we eventually grieved and learned to live again. And we had Honor to help us heal." Hermione stood from the couch rubbing the backs of her hands together, a nervous habit she had not indulged in since her teen years. "Lenni, I think I'd like to be alone for a while if you don't mind. Could you come back tomorrow?"
"Of course, Gran." Giving Hermione a hug, she moved quietly to the front door leaving her grandmother to her grief.
Hermione closed the door behind Glennis and went back to the sitting room. She stoked the fire with her wand and looked up at the picture-strewn mantle. She looked at several pictures of her children at play; Silas, Varina, Struan, and Honor. As she let her eyes drift down the mantle, it was like watching a time turner move her life forward; all her children aging with the exception of Struan.
There were Silas, Varina, and Honor as babies and toddlers; on their first day of Hogwarts and then their graduations. Silas getting married to Emily. Varina's marriage to Andrew, and Honor's marriage to Bartholomew. There were the grandchildren: Martin, Jean, Cecilia, Severus (Glennis' father), and Sierra. Their weddings; Jean to Alexander, Cecelia to Peter, Severus to Sandra, Sierra to Philip; a picture of Martin and his partner Jerry, and finally, her great grandchildren: Lucia, Andrea, Ariadne, Mathias, Glennis, Peter, Scott and Emma. There was one large photograph of all of them at Severus' 132nd birthday; his final one. Hermione ran a finger around the frame of that picture and then stroked the picture face of her husband, who was twitching his lips, fighting the smile of happiness he felt wanting to break through, his arms lovingly holding his Hermione closely to him. She then picked up a picture of Struan, turning it this way and that as though she could make him grow up before her eyes and have the life he never did.
Setting the picture back down, she turned away from the fire and sat down on her sofa, picking the black-ribboned bundle that Glennis had asked her about. The letters in this bundle had only been read when they were first written and received. Hermione never had the heart to open them again, nor share them at all, not even with Severus. She breathed in deeply. 'Oh Struan….you were your daddy's boy. He was so in love with you.' Hermione slowly pulled out one of the letters and read, however painful it was to do so.
20 August 2013
Miss Granger,
I am sitting here next to MY DEAD SON'S grave writing this to you. I am beyond feeling anything at all, for you, for our children, for Struan and that pains me most of all—that I can't even feel for my dead son.
What in the name of all the gods were you thinking leaving Silas and Struan alone on the edge of the lake? Your moment of stupidity and impetuosity has cost me my son. I WILL NEVER forgive you for this. You have done so many stupid things during our courtship and marriage that I have been able to forgive—hell I even forgave you for leaving me in that damned shack for dead, but this-this Miss Granger never.
Do you even realize what Struan meant to me? Of all our children, Struan was the most like me –in looks and demeanour. He was so very special to me. I vowed from the day he was born to protect him as I saw immediately that he would be the least confident of all our children; that he would need special care and protection so that he would not have the life I had as a child, BUT YOU HAVE TAKEN HIM AWAY from me. How could you do this to me?
How could you do this to young Silas? What he must see as he tries to go to sleep each night, I can only imagine. Do you want to know what I see each night before I go to sleep? I see the cold lifeless body of my son as Poppy levitated him away from me from the edge of the lake when I came to. I see the simple oaken box he now lays being lowered in the ground. I see the love I had for you dying a little bit each night and wonder if it will ever grow again because I CANNOT FEEL FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. CAN YOU SEE WHAT YOUR STUPIDITY HAS DONE TO ME? TO US?
I think it would be best if you take the children and go to your parents. Before you ask-no I am not sure for how long-I cannot even look at you right now, let alone any of the children, it is too painful for me to see them growing and laughing only to know that my Struan lays cold and lonely in a grave by the lake that he died in. Whose idea was it to bury him on the grounds of Hogwarts anyway? I will have him moved somewhere less steeped in the memories of the idiot wife I married and the constant reminder each time that each time I go to see him he is where he died and that I CAN NO LONGER GUIDE HIM IN THIS LIFE.
You have hurt me Miss Granger in a way I am not sure can even be fixed. Please be gone by this evening. I will contact you at some point to discuss more permanent living arrangements for the children.
SS
Hermione crushed the letter to her chest as she heaved loud sobs of grief. Even today, the viciousness of Severus' response to his son's death overwhelmed her. She had written back, several times in fact, and received no response. It wasn't until well over a year had gone by that Severus finally wrote, confessing he had not opened the letters until a few weeks before he finally wrote to her. The only way she knew what Severus was doing was through Minerva, whom she wrote secretly. When she had control of her tears again, she picked up the first of her letters to Severus during that desperate time and unfolded it, breathing in a breath of courage as she did so.
21 August 2013
I am NOT a stupid woman. I may not make the best decisions occasionally, but I am far from stupid. Don't you ever, ever call me stupid. What are all these apparently stupid things I'm to have done when we were dating and married that you apparently forgave me?
No words can describe the shock and horror I feel after reading your letter. That you would place the sole blame of Struan's death on me. He was MY SON, too Severus. I carried and nurtured his body for nine months and then loved him with all my heart and soul after his birth. Not a day went by that I did not see to his every need, as I did with all of OUR children. I stopped teaching so that I could be home for them so that we would not have to rely on daycare or friends.
You think I decided to bury him at Hogwarts? Why would I want him at the place of his death? I've no idea who decided that, so don't you dare place that blame on me.
Silas is distraught. Of course I know he will feel guilty. I trusted him and have let him keep an eye on Varina and Struan several times while I was doing little chores around the house or made a quick trip to take care of something at the apothecary AT YOUR REQUEST (I can write in capital letters too, you bastard). You even encouraged and applauded Silas's responsible behaviour and ability to watch the children for short periods of time, so don't you blame that on me.
I can hardly believe that you feel that you need us out of your life, when we need you the most. The children want to know where daddy is and why won't mummy stop crying. My parents are at their wits end trying to help them understand what has happened. They watch Varina for me while Silas and I lay in bed for hours on end talking and crying. I am trying so hard to alleviate his guilt and when I want you, my soulmate, my very life, to console me, I find that I am alone when I need you most.
You will not take my children away from me. How will you run the apothecary and watch them at the same time? How will you help them grieve for the loss of their brother and, if you proceed with this, the loss of their mother? How will you help them deal with the fact that their world has turned upside down? TELL ME, SEVERUS, TELL ME! Tell me how I am to deal with this since you are so much older than I am and, of course, far more smart and mature.
Hermione
Hermione dropped the letter in her lap. She gazed out the window and thought about the horrible months that went by. Wizard marriages were for life with no possibility of divorce. She knew from Minerva that Severus was trying to find a way around the divorce issue. He also, much to her anger and pain, found a way to take Silas and Varina away from her. Severus would not allow Hermione to have the children unsupervised, so her parents would pick them from the Leaky Cauldron and bring them to their house for a few days at a time each month. Hermione would come to visit and stay. When the visit was over, her parents would then take them back to Severus. He even made good on his word to have Struan's body moved. He now rested in the same cemetery as Severus' mother in North Manchester.
Severus never answered any of her letters and after a few months, she gave up writing to him. Any issues regarding the children were taken care of through their solicitors.
15 November 2013
Severus,
I am so lonely without you. I am back at Hogwarts, teaching again. Minerva allowed me to teach Muggle Studies part time. Even so, it gives me too much time to think. Silas will be eight in a few weeks' time. Will you please let me see him? I would like to have a little party with his grandparents and the Potter and Weasley children. Would you consider this, please? Even so, I will send a gift along a few days beforehand. I hope you will allow him to have it.
Severus, please. I've written you several times….won't you please answer me? I cannot think that you would continue to blame me for this; that you would shut me out when we need each other the most. My heart aches and never stops. I still love you.
Hermione
18 December 2013
Severus,
I hope that Silas had a happy birthday. How did you explain to him that I was not able to see him? How do you explain to both of them where I am and what I am doing? How do you explain to them why we don't live in our home anymore and why Grandma and Grandpa Granger pick them up and take them home?
How? How do you explain everything to them? Do you tell them I am an idiot? That I don't love them? That I caused Struan's death?
I know that you will not care, but I wanted you to know that I have been seeing a Muggle therapist who deals with parents who experience the death of a child. It has been helpful, but the nights are long and lonely in the castle, and my mind never shuts down allowing me any peace in this sea of grief.
Please answer my letter. I want to know that you are all right and the children are okay.
Hermione
12 February 2014
Severus,
I am tired. This will be the last letter I write to you. I can no longer continue to live on hope that you will begin to work your way out of your grief and decide to be a family again.
After all, you are the king of grudges; you held on to your hate of the marauders for well over 20 years. That I should find myself in that same category with little difficulty on your part should come as no surprise.
I will continue to abide by the visit schedule for the children you have determined.
Severus, above all my grief for our son, I will love you always. I hope that you will remember that.
Hermione
Although I would normally wait until my beautiful britpicker, xpage394x, gave her final seal on this, I didn't want to wait too long between this chapter and my last one. I know that xpage394x is busy finishing up requirements for her final university weeks and didn't want to pester her. She had read this and stated only a few things needed to be changed so I gave this a good look through, changed a few things, and here it is.
I have never lost a child, but I want to extend my deepest sympathies to any reader who may have. I can't even begin to fathom the emotions that you may have experienced; however, we did experience a deeply personal crisis with our son and it was those emotions I used for this and the next chapter or two.
Thank you to my sister, who gets first crack at every chapter, and to my BP who has become the daughter I wished I had. I also thank onecelestialbeing; she knows why!
Thank you to all those who continue to follow my story and to those who have reviewed. Reviews do feed our souls and muses!
I have written a companion piece to A Raven's Story that tells all about the wedding day and a few honeymoon highlights. It is sitting in the 'stewing' process waiting for that second look through and then it will be off to my betatwin and my britpicker and then to you lovely readers.
Worrywart